Tag: life after cancer

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Cancer Family & Friends Health losing a parent Mothering Parenting

April 18th- Birthday and Cancer

 

Birthday and cancer may seem like an odd title, but April 18th, would have been my mom’s 63rd birthday.  She passed away 2 years ago, and I can’t help but think about her today. Losing a parent never really goes away.  There are always reminders, birthdays, holidays, and family events that tend to make you stop and remember.  Fortunately, I have a lot of happy memories of her, and that is what I like to remember about her.

I actually skipped the cemetery visit today. I’ve always gone on her birthday, and death anniversary. But this year, I don’t feel the need.  I know she is in a better place, and even though her remains are buried, I don’t think her spirit is in the cemetery. Her spirit is in the memories my siblings and I have of her, and in our children.  People often tell me what great kids I have, and credit that to my mom.  She was a good mom, and I model a lot of my parenting after my mom.  When I’m facing parenting issues I have no idea on how to handle, I think back to what she did, and 9 times out of 10 it works with my kids.

So today, in her honor, I’m going to spend some extra time with Ryan and Cole, and tell them a story about when I was a little girl with my mom. I have the picture books she put together, and I’m going to find the book with my first trip to Disneyland, when I was 6, and show those pictures to the boys, and tell them what I remember about it and my mom.  I think that will do more to honor her spirit and teach my boys about their Nana, then going to the cemetery.

April 18, 2009 was the day I received the phone call from my doctor that changed my life- forever.  I was told I had thyroid cancer. That day seemed so long ago, and yet, it seems like it was yesterday. I remember wondering what was going to happen to my boys. I remember my family and friends telling me I was going to beat this, and be okay.  I remember being the most scared I ever was.  I remember crying for hours and then stopping.  Getting dressed and going out with my family and friends.  Being normal, in an abnormal situation.   Knowing I had to for my kids.  Nothing else mattered. They needed their mom- every child does. I remember that night resolving no matter what, I was going to fight and do whatever I needed to do, to fight cancer, get healthy, and live so my kids didn’t have to grow up without me.

It isn’t always been easy. I have to do follow up visits every time this year, that stress me out and bring up all the “what if’s,” again. But, three years after a cancer diagnosis, with the help, support, and love of my kids, family, and friends, what I envisioned as hope, three years ago, is a reality.

I wish I had time to respond to all the emails I get from thyroid cancer patients, but I just don’t anymore.  I am planning to write another post soon, addressing a lot of comments, questions, and issues, I’ve received in emails.  I haven’t written about cancer in a long time, but this date is significant for me.  No one knows what is around the corner, but those of us who have had cancer, happen to know some of what we need to deal with.  My boyfriend, John, pointed out to me this past week, I know what I am dealing with, and can stay on top of it. It actually does make it easier in some respects.

The only way cancer wins out is if it steals your spirit from you. There were days when I was fighting cancer, I didn’t care if I was alive or not. Then I remembered my kids and family.  Let them be your strength.  Let people help you.  Even though it is a battle, thyroid cancer is curable.  Don’t let it take your passion, drive, and optimism away.

One of my favorite things I read when I was fighting cancer was, “Cancer is a word. Not a sentence.” Sometimes it is easy to let it become a sentence, but it doesn’t help you in the long term.  Three years ago, as I was crying on my bed for hours, I would have never imagined I would be in the best health of my life, cancer free, biking, 30+ miles, placing in competitive running races, and thriving, within a few short years.

I want anyone who is fighting cancer, to know life is what you make of it- cancer or no cancer. Don’t let it become your “sentence.” Fight with everything you have to keep it a word.  Fight with all you have, and then some, to beat it.  It is hard at times- most things worthwhile are.  But, three years later I can tell you, from being there and back, it is one of the most important things you will ever do.

My mom passed away before I got my cancer free diagnosis last year.  But she saw me fight it, and continuing to live my life.  One of the last conversations I had with her in the hospice, she held my hand with what little strength she had left, and told me I was fine. She told me to keep running; she could see how strong it was making me.  She said she knew the cancer was gone- she said I was just too strong for it to survive- I was stronger than cancer. She was right.

Happy Birthday, Mom.  I love you.

To all my thyroid cancer fighters and survivors: Keep fighting! Cancer is a word. Not a sentence.

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ACS Blogger Advisory Council Cancer Mothering Parenting

In Memory of Susan Niebur

I found out yesterday that a mother I know of two young boys, who was fighting a very aggressive form of breast cancer, inflammatory breast cancer, had passed away.

It shouldn’t have been such a shock- Dr. Susan Niebur has been writing about her battle with cancer for years, on her blog, Toddler Planet.  She had already survived almost 5 years since she was diagnosed with IBC, and had lived almost 3 years beyond the time most IBC patients live.  Susan herself realized, one day she wasn’t going to be here- but that was always one day in the future.

I met Susan in 2010 in New York- we served on the American Cancer Blogger Advisory Council, and we had a meeting the day before the BlogHer conference.  Susan had an aura to her.  I knew the first moment I met her, she was fighting cancer. I didn’t know what kind, or the details, but she didn’t focus on that.   I remember when we were taking a tour of the Hope Lodge, she had to rest on the bed in one of the rooms.  I remember thinking at the time, having just fought thyroid cancer a year before, I was so lucky- that the cancer I had was very treatable and curable.  Yet, I was amazed that Susan was even there- working on a cause she believed in.

And at the time, she made me think. Not by saying a word, but by her just being there, living her life, doing what she wanted. It was such a powerful example for me.  Some people will never have to endure a sliver of what Susan went through, just to get a few more years of life.

It is so easy to take what we have for granted.  To complain about the small things, worry about really trivial things.  I realized I was lucky- for whatever reason. It could have been, just as easily me with IBC, fighting to live.  I had a second chance to live my life, and not have to battle every day just to live.  I didn’t have to lie down on a bed to rest, after walking down a hallway.  When I heard her speak in the meeting, and give some background into her condition, she didn’t have to say it- I knew she going to die- someday. But that day was far off.  She was strong, and determined. She had two little boys who needed their mother.

I followed Susan’s blog loosely the past year and a half since the day I met her.  If am to be honest, her blog made me uncomfortable.  I loved her words- she was such a gifted writer. But something about having a condition that can claim your life, shift your foundation, it hit too close to home for me. I don’t like to think about dying, and it breaks my heart to hear about cancer patients who have to fight so hard just to make it to another day, and to think about the children who will be left without their mother.

In some way I wanted to keep the vision I had of Susan in New York- she absolutely glowed when she was speaking, sharing her ideas, and working with people. I wanted to remember that about her.  She gave me hope and was an example to me, that no matter what comes your way because of cancer, you can make the most with whatever time you have left.

I read the last post Susan wrote on her blog, on January 22nd.  I saw it linked from my friend’s Facebook update.  My heart sank as I read her post- hospice was coming to her home, but Susan was still fighting. She wasn’t ready to call it quits or say good-bye yet.

I checked her blog daily, since January 22.  The one day I did not check it, Monday, was the day Susan’s battle with cancer ended.  I received an email from BlogHer yesterday their thoughts were with Susan Niebur’s family, and I knew she was gone.  That one day- that seemed so far off, had arrived.

Susan made me realize again yesterday, how precious life is, and how lucky I am- how lucky we all are really.  Not everyone survives cancer.  Not everyone has the quality of life they had before cancer. But everyone can live their life in the best way they can, and we can appreciate the small things. Being alive to give your child a hug. Telling your friends and family you love them. Following your passions.  Living your dreams.

Susan was an  astrophysicist, and had worked at NASA headquarters. She wrote numerous academic papers, but her mantra on her blog for her life was simple. It was, “All that survives after our death are publications and people. So look carefully after the words you write, the thoughts and publications you create, and how you love others.  For these are the only things that will remain.”

For the short time I met Susan and worked with her, it will stay with me forever.  She was a great voice for cancer awareness, and surviving cancer.  She will be missed, and my deepest sympathies to her family and friends.

I found this a few weeks ago for another friend, whose mother had passed away, and I thought of it yesterday for Susan. The stars were one of Susan’s passions.

Rest in Peace, Susan.

“Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.”

Author: Unknown

You can make a donation in Susan’s honor at The Inflammatory Breast Cancer Research Foundation

You can read more on Susan’s legacy at Care2 Make a Difference

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Activities Cancer Cole Family & Friends Health losing a parent Parenting Running Ryan School Work

Time for an Update!

It’s been a month since I’ve written a blog post!  I wish I had a great excuse for not doing so, but I’ve been busy.  Mainly with work.  I work in the accounting field, and this is always a busy time of year.

I’ve been well since my last post- finding out I was cured from cancer.  It is pretty hard to top that!  My doctor changed my Synthroid dosage slightly for reasons I mentioned in the previous post.  I now take a smaller dosage on Sunday, and I’m finding I’m very tired on Monday and Tuesday.  It’s amazing how such a small adjustment down in dosage can affect how I feel.  I’ve been trying to get more rest on these nights, and just hoping eventually my body will adjust.  But it’s always a process. 

The weather has been so windy here, and we’ve had lots of rain and cooler temperatures.  Combined with my being swamped at work, and extra tired two days out of the week, I’ve not been running as often or as long as I would like to.  I also had a hard time last year, around this time of year.  Everything with my mom being sick, dying, having her funeral, her birthday, and then Mother’s Day, started in February and goes until May.  It’s only been a year, and it’s still an emotionally hard time during these “anniversary” dates. 

I’m trying to let myself feel what I need to feel and not push myself physically too much.  I have been able to get out on shorter runs on tougher routes during my lunch, and that feels like the extent of what I want to do with running for now.  I hope as the weather gets nicer, I can start running longer distances again and get out on my bike.  I was going to try to run a half marathon in April, but I hadn’t been able to build up the mileage, and I didn’t want to risk running that distance and get hurt.  I’m not going to pressure myself to run in any races for the time being, but am just going to enjoy running when I can for now. 

Ryan and Cole are doing great.  School is almost over for them, and they are excited about attending a school / day camp program where they will be learning and going on field trips this summer. They have both learned how to ice skate, and enjoy playing hockey- on ice, and in our driveway.  Ryan is finishing up Cub Scouts for the year and they both started karate lessons a few weeks ago.  They love it, and are already talking about earning their next level belt. They don’t want to be white belts anymore!  Here’s a picture of them from their first lesson:

I’m looking forward to summer- the warmer weather and spending time with my boys.  They are growing so fast, and after this summer my “baby” will be in school full-time.  Cole is going to be five next month, and in full time kindergarten in the fall.  It seems like those years from when he was a baby to now, have just flown by.  I hope we can slow down a bit during the summer, relax more, and I can savor what is left of my youngest child’s pre-school days. 

My 20th (gulp) high school reunion is planned for July. I helped plan our 10 year reunion, and am helping out as much as I can on planning the 20th.  If I thought my kids were growing too fast, it seems crazy I’ve been out of high school for (almost) two decades!  It will be fun to see everyone in person, and see all of our kids- new ones, and see how the babies have grown into pre-teens and teenagers from the last reunion.  Seems like we were just kids ourselves, and now we have kids- when did that happen? 😉

I am planning a special post in June, to coincide with the two year anniversary of my thyroid cancer surgery.  I’m excited about it, and I think it will help so many cancer patients looking for resources and answers.

This is some of what has been going on- of course there is more, but I’m trying to get to bed earlier, so the more will just have to wait. 🙂 I post shorter updates on my FaceBook Fan Page.  I hope you will stop by there, and even though it’s been a few weeks, thanks for continuing to read A Mama’s Blog.

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Cancer Family & Friends Health Running

Do You Really Want It?

“There will come a point in the race, when you alone will need to decide. You will need to make a choice. Do you really want it? You will need to decide.” ~ Rolf Arands

I came across this quote about a month ago, and I thought it was kind of corny the first time I read it, but it seemed to keep popping up.  I thought about it when my dad told me he was ready to try his first 5K race.  He’s been working really hard, and I have no doubt he’ll finish well within his goal of 35 minutes.    

My best 5K race time is 27:07.  I ran this in the second race in November, and I finished in fifth place for my age group.  I’ve wondered why I haven’t been able to run that fast since in a race.  I thought about what I did in that race, that I haven’t done in the races since then.  I have always known I pushed myself in that second race.  I started out faster than I had wanted, but I kept up the pace.  It was one of the harder races I’ve ran, but it was also my fastest.

Since then in races, I start out a comfortable pace, building up my speed for the end of the race.  I’ve been running negative splits.  I have tried several times starting out faster in training 5K runs, and every time I have done this, I’ve ran the 5K distance faster.  But I also have to work very hard during the run- much more than when I run it in negative splits.     

Then I kept thinking about this quote- how much did I really want to work for what I wanted to achieve?  What if I fail at it?  Is it better to try it and fail, or just stay in the comfortable zone, not risking much-not being disappointed?  

I’ve been concentrating on running longer distances since February.  I have to start out at slower paces for those, so switching gears to start out fast for a 5K, is like starting all over again in some aspects.  I know I have the speed to begin, and I know I can do the distance, but can I maintain the speed to get the time I want for the entire distance?  I would also have to train backwards for the 5K from what I was used to.  If I wanted to do this, it was going be a lot of work, and I kept thinking about the quote- “Do you really want it?  You will need to decide.”

I found a smaller 5K for my dad’s first race, which won’t be overly crowded.  The race is this Saturday, April 17th.  It is also the exact day to the year last year, when my surgeon called me at home, on a Saturday, and told me I had cancer.  The actual date was April 18th- my mom’s birthday.  I called my mom when I received my devastating cancer diagnosis, and told her.  I was very upset and scared.   She talked to me for what seemed like hours.  She was positive and optimistic for me.  She told me I was strong and I was going to beat it.  I couldn’t have known at the time it was her last birthday.  I am very grateful my mom saw me beat cancer and knew I was healthy when she passed away.  I am sad it was the way we had to “celebrate” her last birthday. 

My goal is to get a new personal best (PB) time for this race.  I decided I was going to put in whatever work- whatever effort into training and running this race I needed to achieve this goal.   The last few weeks have been the hardest I have ever worked physically.  My focus had always been to finish the race, and get a decent time.  This time my focus has been to train hard, and carry that through the entire race.        

Two weeks ago, I ran the 5K distance and I had cut a full minute off my PB.  I was down to 26:07.  Last week, when I ran it again, my time was 25:56.  My goal is to run the race on Saturday in less than 26 minutes.  I’m not content to say I’ve done my best, and I’ll see what time I get on race day.  I’ve been training and running with this goal in mind for weeks.  I know exactly what kind of race I have to run, to cross the finish line in less than 26 minutes.  I am not going to be content until the race is over, and I have accomplished this goal. 

I was sad, terrified, and uncertain of my future, when I received my cancer diagnosis.  I want to replace that awful day with feelings of happiness, hope, and health.  I got through cancer with love, help, and support from my family and friends.  I want to achieve this for myself, what I have been working so hard for, one year after cancer. 

The choice has been made.  I have decided.  Yes, I really want it.

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Activities Cancer Cole Family & Friends Health Ryan

Attitude & Medication

On Saturday, I took Ryan and Cole to the North Pole (a Christmas themed amusement park for kids), which is about 100 miles from my home.  We spent the night at my dad’s house in Denver, and then drove the rest of the way outside Colorado Springs on Saturday.  My sister, her daughter, my sister-in-law, and my dad came too.  The weather was perfect, and the kids had the best time.  Watching the kids having so much fun made the day for the adults.

The only negative aspect of the trip for me, was while I was unpacking at my dad’s house on Friday night, I discovered I had forgotten to bring my Synthroid (thyroid replacement medication) with me.  The medication has to be taken every day in the morning, and we were staying until Sunday, so that meant two days without it. 

I was wondering how I was going to feel by Sunday night.  I wondered if I had enough built up in my system that I would hardly notice it, or if I would immediately start feeling tired, and out of energy. 

On Saturday evening, after walking around the North Pole all day, I felt pretty much the same. I felt a little more tired than usual, but nothing I couldn’t handle.  While my dad and the boys were enjoying a marshmallow roast in the backyard, I decided to go for a run; unsure if I would have enough energy for my usual Sunday run.  I only planned to run until I got tired, but I was able to do 3.2 miles. 

I had some plans with a friend for later on Saturday night, but I canceled- I decided it was more important to get a really good night’s rest.  I woke up on Sunday, and I could tell right away I had missed the dose of Synthroid the previous day.  I felt tired, and sluggish.  I ate some protein for breakfast, hoping that would give me a boost, and my dad had a vitamin drink he gave me.

It was another beautiful Indian Summer day on Sunday, and the boys and I walked to a neighborhood park and played. After running around with the boys, walking, carrying Cole for part of the way home, and making lunch for them, I was out of energy.  They boys played in the back yard, while I sat on the patio and watched them, and I felt like I was having a flashback to the summer.  They played, and I sat and watched because that was all I could do.

It has been almost three months I have been on Synthroid, and I have never missed a dose. I also have felt wonderful since the day I started taking it.  I absolutely hated sitting in that chair, feeling fatigued again, and knowing  if I don’t take that tiny pill every day- the result is I end up out of energy- no matter what I do.    

I let myself feel sad for a few minutes.  Then I came to the final terms with not having a thyroid anymore and being on medication.  It isn’t my first choice.  I hate feeling like I am dependant on a medication in order to feel well.  However, I am sure it will not be the only time in my life I will forget a dose.    

As I watched my boys play, I knew it all comes down to my attitude and it always will.  Other than canceling my plans on Saturday night, I did everything I had planned to do for the weekend- Synthroid or no Synthroid.  I could have gotten a cold, or the flu, and felt even worse.

Living life to the fullest, after an illness takes some adjustments, but they are worth making, worth getting through.  If not you give up.  There isn’t anything that I can’t do for myself, or for my boys that I couldn’t do before my illness.  If taking medication allows me to this, it is a small price to pay, and one I am happy to pay- over and over again. 

Here are some pictures from the weekend:

Cole, Maelin, & Ryan Flying010

The Motorcycle Gang

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Row of Fall Maple Trees in Denver

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