Category: Work

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Activities Cancer Cole Family & Friends Health losing a parent Parenting Running Ryan School Work

Time for an Update!

It’s been a month since I’ve written a blog post!  I wish I had a great excuse for not doing so, but I’ve been busy.  Mainly with work.  I work in the accounting field, and this is always a busy time of year.

I’ve been well since my last post- finding out I was cured from cancer.  It is pretty hard to top that!  My doctor changed my Synthroid dosage slightly for reasons I mentioned in the previous post.  I now take a smaller dosage on Sunday, and I’m finding I’m very tired on Monday and Tuesday.  It’s amazing how such a small adjustment down in dosage can affect how I feel.  I’ve been trying to get more rest on these nights, and just hoping eventually my body will adjust.  But it’s always a process. 

The weather has been so windy here, and we’ve had lots of rain and cooler temperatures.  Combined with my being swamped at work, and extra tired two days out of the week, I’ve not been running as often or as long as I would like to.  I also had a hard time last year, around this time of year.  Everything with my mom being sick, dying, having her funeral, her birthday, and then Mother’s Day, started in February and goes until May.  It’s only been a year, and it’s still an emotionally hard time during these “anniversary” dates. 

I’m trying to let myself feel what I need to feel and not push myself physically too much.  I have been able to get out on shorter runs on tougher routes during my lunch, and that feels like the extent of what I want to do with running for now.  I hope as the weather gets nicer, I can start running longer distances again and get out on my bike.  I was going to try to run a half marathon in April, but I hadn’t been able to build up the mileage, and I didn’t want to risk running that distance and get hurt.  I’m not going to pressure myself to run in any races for the time being, but am just going to enjoy running when I can for now. 

Ryan and Cole are doing great.  School is almost over for them, and they are excited about attending a school / day camp program where they will be learning and going on field trips this summer. They have both learned how to ice skate, and enjoy playing hockey- on ice, and in our driveway.  Ryan is finishing up Cub Scouts for the year and they both started karate lessons a few weeks ago.  They love it, and are already talking about earning their next level belt. They don’t want to be white belts anymore!  Here’s a picture of them from their first lesson:

I’m looking forward to summer- the warmer weather and spending time with my boys.  They are growing so fast, and after this summer my “baby” will be in school full-time.  Cole is going to be five next month, and in full time kindergarten in the fall.  It seems like those years from when he was a baby to now, have just flown by.  I hope we can slow down a bit during the summer, relax more, and I can savor what is left of my youngest child’s pre-school days. 

My 20th (gulp) high school reunion is planned for July. I helped plan our 10 year reunion, and am helping out as much as I can on planning the 20th.  If I thought my kids were growing too fast, it seems crazy I’ve been out of high school for (almost) two decades!  It will be fun to see everyone in person, and see all of our kids- new ones, and see how the babies have grown into pre-teens and teenagers from the last reunion.  Seems like we were just kids ourselves, and now we have kids- when did that happen? 😉

I am planning a special post in June, to coincide with the two year anniversary of my thyroid cancer surgery.  I’m excited about it, and I think it will help so many cancer patients looking for resources and answers.

This is some of what has been going on- of course there is more, but I’m trying to get to bed earlier, so the more will just have to wait. 🙂 I post shorter updates on my FaceBook Fan Page.  I hope you will stop by there, and even though it’s been a few weeks, thanks for continuing to read A Mama’s Blog.

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Activities Cole Household Mothering Parenting Ryan School Work

Leap of Faith

 

Our summer so far has been very busy.  Compared to last year, though I’m not complaining, but when I envision summer, it seems like life should be moving slower, and it shouldn’t be so rush-rush- every day.

Someone once told me as your kids get older, life gets busier and that seems to be the case.  I’ve been working, juggling daycare, and trying to plan some fun activities for the boys.  I have also had to start looking around for a new place to live once the house we are living in sells.  There has been a re-organization at work, and it just doesn’t seem like there are enough hours in the day to get everything done that I have and want to get accomplished.  It is really overwhelming at times, realizing it is just me now.  I don’t have any safety nets- if I don’t succeed in balancing work, finances, time with the kids- Ryan and Cole will suffer.  The practical, over-planning part of me feels like I should work as many hours as I can, and then some. 

Recently a good friend, who is a single mom of four, told me what she regretted.  She said once she was divorced, she panicked about finances, and she made that her goal. She figured if she was okay financially, she wouldn’t be so stressed and it would mean security for her and her kids.  She says though she really missed a lot of time with her kids, and they all suffered.  She says she will never get that time back with her children, and the financial security came at way too high of a price.  She told me no matter how crazy things seem to get, keep my kids as a priority, and everything else will work out. 

So keeping that advice in mind, I am happy the boys and I have been able to do some fun things so far this summer.  We’ve been swimming a lot with my sister and her daughter- the boys’ cousin.  Last week when I was working and our childcare provider was on vacation, my sister took all the kids to the zoo, and they had a blast.  Yesterday I was able to take the boys to see a local production of The Music Man.  We have a camping trip with my dad, (Papa Dan), planned for July, and some vacation time planned.   

In less than two months, school will start and Ryan will be in school full-time.  Cole will be in preschool, and I will be working more hours.  It is the end of an era for us.  My kids and I will all be starting new chapters in life, and making adjustments.  I am very grateful it seems like it will be good timing for everyone.  

As I think about this last block of time we have- it really is a gift.  I have been so fortunate to be able to share the majority of these early years with my children.  With all the difficulties in the last year and a half, the highlight has been being able to have time with Ryan and Cole. 

There are a million things I should and could be doing this summer.  It is hard for me to not have every detail planned out. This is a very hard “leap of faith” I’m taking, but I believe it is the right step now for the boys and I. 

But for the next two months, I’m not going to worry or stress.  I’m going to get done what I need to, and enjoy the time with my children.  I’m believing as my friend advised, put the kids first, and everything else will fall into place. 

My friend, Steve, has a great blog- Fleur de Life.  He ends every post by tying in what he wrote about as the Fleur de Life-the important things that really matter.  I love the quote below, and to “borrow” from Steve- taking a leap of faith…-it is the Fleur de Life!

  “When you come to the edge of all the light you know, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught how to fly.” –Barbara J. Winter 

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Cole Mothering Parenting Work

The Pink Lizard and Adjustments

Last summer, the boys’ daycare provider closed her daycare.  Cole had been with her since he had been 18 months old.  She loved the boys, and the boys loved her.  We have always been fortunate and thankful the boys’ grandmother can watch the boys on the long days I work.  

On the shorter days, Ryan is in school now, so I had to find part-time care for Cole and back-up care.   When I found J., our previous provider, it was a little easier because I had two kids that needed care.  Finding part-time care for one child, was a challenge-most providers don’t accept part-time kids.  It took me almost two months to find an acceptable replacement.    

In late November, I found A., who was willing to take Cole on a part-time basis, and to provide back-up care when the boys’ grandmother isn’t available.  When we met A., I had both boys with me, and Cole was happy as a clam.  There was another boy who was also 3, who attended full-time, so Cole would have a friend to play with.  They played great together while we were there for our interview, and everything seemed and felt right. 

But every time it is time to go to A’s, Cole cries.  He says he doesn’t like it, and he wants me to stay home with him.  Last week he asked me why I have to go to work. I haven’t experienced “mommy guilt,” on a regular basis, but the past few months it hits me every time I take him to A.’s. Last week he cried for 20 minutes when I dropped him off.  It wasn’t just a tear- he was sobbing.  I felt like I was sending him off to war. 

Part of it is he has never done anything on his own without Ryan.  Whenever he has been away from myself or his dad, Ryan has been with him, or he was in the care of his grandparents.  Part of it is he doesn’t attend day care full time, so it makes the adjustment harder.  Part of it is he is 3.  It is a hard age for changes. 

A. has been great.  I have no qualms about the care she is giving Cole.  She has done daycare for 25 years, and is very capable and loving.  She told me last week Cole almost has fun, if he would just let himself go.  She said it is like he starts to have fun, and the “remembers” he isn’t supposed to like being there, so he gets upset.  Last week we made a few changes, and I was actually greeted with a smiling boy when I picked him up.  A. switched their art days to times when Cole would be there.  He had painted two pictures, and was so proud. We also let him decide if he wanted to take a nap, or just have quiet resting time.  The choice seemed to give Cole a little control.

When we got home, I gave Cole some tape and told him he could hang the picture anywhere he wanted.  He hung it right above my bed.  I realized that he was so proud he had something to bring home.  Ryan brings home enough papers, drawings, books, and artwork to open a gallery.   Cole never seemed to be bothered by this, but I think he liked having something he brought home.

The boys ask me what we are doing the next day at bedtime.  When I have told Cole the next day was a day at A.’s, he would cry.  Last night he didn’t cry.  This morning he wasn’t stressed and didn’t cry in the car on the way over, but he did want me to hold his hand as we walked up to her door. 

A little girl in the daycare throws her arms around Cole the minute we walk in, and usually Cole stands as stiff as a board.  Today he hugged her back.  He asked me what colors I liked, because he was going to make me another picture.  I told him, gave him a hug, and then he left me to go play with the other little boy.  When I picked him up, he was so proud to show me that he had made me two pictures.  One of them was a hot pink lizard with a red tongue.  He said he made it pink, because that is a girl color.  When we got home, he hung it up right next to his picture from last week.

It is one of the hardest things to have to leave your child, when they are crying at daycare.  It is hard when they are happy, but at least you can tell yourself they are having a good time while you are gone.  I wasn’t sure what I was going to do if things didn’t improve.  It didn’t feel right to have Cole so upset when it was time to go to A.’s, but I also don’t have a lot of options.  I’m relieved that it doesn’t appear that I will have face that issue.

Having your child make a change out of necessity, whether it is day care, or because a new sibling is born, etc. is tough.  But it also gives the child a sense of accomplishment, as they adjust.  Sometimes it takes longer than we would like, but more often than not, they get there.  As parents, we don’t always have all the answers.  At times you just have to listen to your instincts, go with what you think is best, and hope it turns out okay for everyone involved.     

As Cole handed me my painting today with a big, happy, smile on his face, I was so proud of him.  He’s adjusting to daycare as he needs to, and in his own way- today was the turning point, and a milestone for him.  He will be fine.  And I will always have one very special pink lizard painting-to remind me.   

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Cancer Family & Friends Work

Thank You for Giving Me Hope

I wrote in my previous post, that my insurance company denied my doctor’s order of a PET CT scan to determine if the cancer had spread to any other areas in my body. I woke up on Friday morning, feeling a little better,  but still- I wanted to know for sure, and I was going to have to learn to live with that shadow of a doubt- always wondering.

My boss, D., asked me to call her after the scan, and let her know how it went.  I called my office on Friday morning.  D., wasn’t available, so I filled a co-worker in on the situation and asked her to fill D. in when she could.  My co-worker was outraged the insurance wouldn’t pay, and it helped to hear someone else was mad and thought the insurance company was ridiculous for denying this. 

I was trying to pack up our stuff for a weekend in Denver at my dad’s house when my phone rang.  It was D.  She asked me what was going on.  I explained to her what the insurance company had told the imaging company and the reasons the insurance gave for denying the order- basically because I wasn’t sick enough yet. 

D. told me that was absolutely absurd, and she was mad for me too.  She asked me how much the scan cost, and was the reason I canceled the scan because of the cost.  I told her yes- we just didn’t have that much money to spare right now.  I was shocked at what D. said next- she said she would like to pay for the scan for me, so I didn’t have to worry and wonder if the cancer was spreading.  She told me I was the mother of two young boys, and I needed to know so I could move on with my life.  She told me we would figure it out someday, and to not worry about it at all- she had it covered.

I couldn’t say anything at first.  I was crying and finally managed to tell her “thank you.”  D. told me she could not imagine not knowing if it were her, and she wanted to do this for me.  She told me to get off the phone and call back the imaging company so I could get an appointment as soon as possible. 

I called them back and I now have an appointment for the scan on Tuesday at 10:30.  They will have the results back to my surgeon in time for my pre-opt. appointment with him on Wednesday.   I called D. back to let her know.  I thanked her countless times.  She told me she was happy to help, and suggested what my friend did- to question the insurance company, and try to get them to pay for it.  But she said if they didn’t, and when I get a bill for it, to let her know.

I told D. I would, and all I could say to her was “thank you.” She told me she hoped this would make this time a little happier, and I have a lot to look forward to in the future.  As we hung up, I was overcome with her generosity and help.  I am still a little shocked thinking about this.  It is such an unexpected bright spot in the weeks of gloom I have had recently. I will know one way or another, what the true condition of my cancer is.  If it bad news I need to find out sooner than later.  Early detection is the key in surviving.   If it is good news, it will be the first step in being able to move on as a cancer survivor after my surgery- without always having that seed of doubt and wonder in the back of my mind.

I am so grateful and appreciative for this unexpected gift. It is no secret that I haven’t been feeling positive lately, despite my best efforts.  D.’s isn’t just helping me get a scan, but her words to me, made me realize what had been really bothering me- the uncertainty of all of this.  I can handle a “brutal” surgery.  I am going to have good days and bad days recovering.  As long as I know the cancer has not spread, and I am going to be fine- I can get through it. 

Not knowing is worse.  It magnifies the odds, no matter how small they are. I lay awake at night wondering if I am going to be around in a year, in five years, in ten years, and my biggest fear has been- what if the cancer has spread, and is slowing killing me, and I don’t even know it?

I will never be able to repay D., even if I repay the money someday.  Being able to get this scan right now, when I need to know- have to know- will give me peace of mind, and the answers I need.  It is the first step to my future- no matter what the results are- I can stop wondering and being scared, and start living my life again.  Not just hoping for the best, but knowing what the best actually is.  

So many people have been so supportive and I honestly can’t thank you all enough- from my family and friends- rearranging their lives to help me right now, to the offers of help- from doing handy work at the house, to cooking meals, to the supportive e-mails, to watching the boys, to paying for the scan, to the thoughtful cards and small gifts that are sent, to listening to me and helping me whenever I need to talk.  

All of these kind acts have given me hope. D.’s offer of help was the icing on the cake-but the cake has been there all along.  I can’t express what it all means to me, so the only thing I can say is thank you. Thank you for giving me hope.  Thank you to everyone-from the bottom of my heart.

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Activities Mothering Parenting Ryan School Work

Ryan’s Concert

Ryan woke up today with a sore throat.  He said he did not want to go to his concert, but I figured he would change his mind as he got up and moving. 

When we arrived at Grandma’s house, he still was saying he did not want to go the concert; his throat hurt.  Grandma hugged him and told him she knew he would feel better soon.  I love seeing Grandma and Ryan interact.  I know Ryan loves me, but he adores his grandmother.  I had to get going to work, and I figured if anyone could make him feel better, Grandma could. 

Yesterday when I picked Ryan up from school, one of his teachers told me the kids were going to have costumes- I sighed.   Then she said they were going to have penguin costumes (their song was about penguins)- I wailed, “Penguin costumes- how cute.”   But I  did not say what  I was thinking, “I’m not going to be there.”  But the teacher did tell me they usually always record the concerts, and they would burn a DVD for me. 

I had a hard time trying not to think of Ryan all morning, especially when the time of the concert rolled around.  I hoped his throat was feeling better and he was singing his heart out as a little penguin.

When I arrived to pick the boys up after work, Ryan’s grandma told me how cute the concert was. She said the school did a really great job.  She said Ryan was also a snowflake, and at the end of the program they had a slide show with all the kids pictures, and of course there was a picture of Ryan.  I asked Ryan how it went, and the first thing he said to me was,

“You should have been there Mom.”

He didn’t say it sad or mad- just matter-of-fact.  Then he told me he was a penguin and got to stand behind a big curtain, and when they opened the curtain, it was time to sing.  He also said Grandma gave him some hot chocolate before the concert to help his throat.  Then they went out to lunch afterwards.

I am so glad and so fortunate that Ryan has such loving Grandparents that made sure he was able to participate today, even though his parents couldn’t work it out. Cole knows the song Ryan was singing, and he sung it for me when I got home.  I think they all had a nice time.  Grandma even brought me home a program so I can see my little penguin’s name in print-twice.

As we were driving home, Ryan told me again that I should have been there, and they showed his picture up on a big screen after he was done singing.  I told him in my most happy, non-guilty voice, that I was so sorry I missed him today, but when school starts again, we will have the concert on a DVD, and we can watch a movie of him on TV.  He was excited about seeing himself on TV.  He asked if I would be able to see him behind the curtain too.  🙂

I just hope someone actually recorded the concert-that will be one movie I will watch over and over again.