Categories
c-sections Family & Friends Mothering Parenting Pregnancy & Birth

“Good-Bye” to Julie

In September, I met my friends for a girl’s night out.  We all met each other and became friends within 6 months or so of us having our first babies- way back in 2004. 

There are nine of us, Brandy, Amy, Nicole, Heather, Alison, Melissa, Danit, myself, and Julie.  I met Brandy, Amy, Heather, and Julie through a Yahoo parenting group Brandy had started.  Ryan was about 6 months old, and I had no friends who were moms.  I had no idea, or could have known at the time, how vital these friends would become in my life.  Eventually our group branched out into a mom’s night out, and I met Melissa, Nicole, Danit, and Alison. 

Once a month we would meet to just have some time away from the kids, to talk, and to compare notes.  This was before Facebook was up and running, so we stayed in touch every day through the Yahoo parenting group board. I remember at times that seemed like my life-line.  Whenever there was an issue I was facing with parenting, one of my friends was dealing with the same thing.   

Even though we couldn’t meet every day and chat in person, we had access to each other through the phone, computer, the occasional play-dates, and that support helped all of us. We all invited each other’s kids to birthdays, baby showers, and family events.  Most everyone’s husbands became friends too.  We met each other’s parents when they were in town, and somewhere along the line, we became more than just friends- we became a kind of a family-a community. 

Brandy, Julie, and I told each other on the same day in September 2005, that we were pregnant with our second children, and we were all due within weeks of each other in May.   Some days it seemed like we could barely manage what we had, and now we were going to be adding another person to the mix.  Julie and I had also had C-sections with our first children, and we were both determined to have a VBAC birth with our second baby.  That was a leap of faith- going against what the medical “norm” advises and deciding to trust my body.  I was fortunate to have Julie right there with me, as she decided the same thing.

As the weeks turned into months, and May rolled around, I remember sitting with Julie one morning in her beautiful garden. Julie is a master gardener and always has the most amazing yard.  She was hosting a play group, and our two-year olds were off playing the sand.  Julie and I’s belly’s were so big, it was warm out, and we had a hard time even sitting.  We talked about the impending births, and the way our lives were going to change with a second baby.  After that morning most of my fears were washed away.  I saw an extremely strong, determined, confident, and capable mother in Julie. I knew if she could manage I could too.

Julie had her daughter, Lily, a few weeks before Cole, and she had a successful VBAC.  I was so happy for her.  Her successful VBAC encouraged me that much more that I could avoid another C-section.  When Cole was born two weeks later, it was via VBAC, and when Trajan, Brandy’s son was born a week later, he was born at home. 

In July, 2007 our little group got smaller.  Brandy and her husband, Dax, were moving to Georgia, so he could attend graduate school.  It felt weird we were losing the person who had brought us all together.  We had new moms come and go through the group. But our core was always there.  This was our last girl’s night out before Brandy moved:

Back to front, clockwise, Amy, Me, Nicole, Brandy, Julie, w/ Lily, Heather

Brandy and her family eventually moved back to Colorado last year, but to another part of the state.  Even so, we’ve been able to see her a few times since she has moved back.

 April 2009,

Back to front, clockwise, Heather, Amy, Julie, Nicole, Me, Brandy, Melissa, Danit

In January of 2009, I started a difficult divorce process.  In April I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, had surgery and recovery for it in the summer of 2009, and in February of this year, my mother passed away suddenly.  My immediate family lives about 50 miles away and was not always able to help me- especially when I was recovering from cancer.

My friends became my family in the town I live.  I would not have emerged from a divorce, cancer, and my mom’s death without their support and love.  Anything I needed, they provided. I didn’t even have to ask- they just came over and did what they saw needed to be done.  One day when I was recovering from cancer, I was barely strong enough to get up from the couch.  I had the boys and it was all I could do to look after them.

There was a knock on my door, and when I opened it, it was Julie.  Julie always has a smile on her face.  I think “sunshine” when I see her.  She had food for me, a book, and flowers.  She had done all the prep work so all I had to do was open the container and eat.  All my friends did things like this for me, but I mention Julie, because this post is about her.  🙂

Julie, her husband, and their two children, are moving to Finland this month for an incredible job offer her husband received.  This was the news Julie told us a month ago at our girl’s night out.  I am thrilled for her and her family- but I am also sad.  I don’t want Julie to move for purely selfish reasons- I am going to miss her.  We all are going to miss Julie- more than I think we care to admit. 

For 6 years now, we have gone through everything together.  From having infants, to post-partum depression, to toddlers, to preschoolers, to school age children, to losing our parents, to adoption, to soccer practices, to cancer, to other medical issues, to moves, to relationship issues, to divorce, to fitness, to Twilight (and Twizzler’s in the nose) obsessions, to once-in-a-lifetime-opportunities-when it has happened to one of us, all of us have felt it.  And we have been there for each other through everything. 

Last week we had our last girls night out for awhile with Julie.  It was fun, and it was like it always had been.  It’s our time to reconnect, talk, discuss, laugh, relax, and enjoy the brief pause in our lives when we aren’t in mom-mode. 

I don’t feel like saying “good-bye” is quite the right thing- I know we will see Julie again, and thanks to Facebook, and blogs, we will all be able to stay in touch  just like we have always done.  But it is her presence – her smile, her laugh, and her warmth, that will be gone from our group- for now. 

 We’ve been through more things in six years thatn some people ever face.  We were all new, clueless, sleep-deprived, scared, and isolated moms when we became friends.  Six years later, we are stronger, wiser, healthier, and less sleep deprived (except for Nicole who has a 4-month old)  :-), and we are all still friends.  Our children brought us together, but it is our characters that have kept us all friends. That is a unique gift we have all found in each other. 

It is a new start for Julie and her family, and a new adjustment for us.  It would be very easy to put some sad parting words here,  but as I told Julie the other night, I like this quote when thinking about her moving away:

Don’t cry because it’s over.  Smile because it happened. ~Theodor Seuss Geisel (Dr. Seuss)

October, 2010

Left to Right: Alison, Heather, Amy, Julie, Melissa, Me, Nicole

Categories
Cancer Health Running

Running to Defeat Cancer- A Year Later

A year ago, after recovering from thyroid cancer, I decided I wanted to support others who were fighting cancer.  I signed up for the Komen Denver Race for the Cure, supporting breast cancer.  I had never run in a race before, and didn’t particularly like running.  But I felt very thankful for the fast recovery I had from my own cancer, and figured it was the least I could do.  

My doctors told me it could be a year recovery before I’d even start to feel “back to normal” again.  My doctors warned me it was a very gradual upswing, and not to expect to feel better for a long time.  If you have followed my cancer journey on my blog, or know me in real life, you know that this was not the case for me.  As soon as I was on Synthroid, I felt the difference in hours.  To date, I still have not had to have one medication adjustment, which is almost unheard of.  My surgeon, who warned me of how hard the recovery was, and who has been treating thyroid cancer patients for 17 years, including his own wife, told me he had never seen someone recover as fast, with zero complications, like I have.  He told me I was a bit of a medical miracle. 

When I wrote my blog post last year, deciding I was going to run in the Race for the Cure, I was thankful I was doing so well.  A year later and a year wiser, I am more thankful and grateful than I can express.  I have no idea why I recovered so well. I am still in contact with a few people who had thyroid cancer surgeries the same time I did, and are still trying to get their thyroid replacement medication right, so they can start to feel back normal again. 

Running in this race last year was very healing for me.  I didn’t feel like I was a sick cancer patient, but I felt strong.  I felt like I was on the right path for recovery. I had no idea at the time if my recovery was going to “last” or if I would experience the problems and complications my doctors had warned me about.  It had been less than two months since I completed radioactive iodine therapy and had started on Synthroid.  But I was so optimistic I was able to train for this race and run in it. I had a lot of support and encouragement and I still remember while running it- for the first time, in a long time- I felt alive, well, and healthy.

I was hoping to finish the race in under 40 minutes, and finished in 36:25.  The race is self timed, and there are no official results.  But crossing that finish line was monumental for me.  I wasn’t sick with cancer anymore- I was a cancer survivor.  And that day, I became a runner.

I was hooked. I loved it.  I loved every second I was running the race. I loved the adrenaline, I loved the strategy, I loved I was smiling through the race, I loved pushing myself, I loved trying to pass the person ahead of me, and then trying to keep someone from passing me.  I loved the fact that I could actually do something as physically challenging as running.  I loved the fact that I was proving that cancer wasn’t going to define my life.  When it was over, I loved the fact that I had accomplished something just weeks ago, had seemed impossible. 

I didn’t realize it at the time, but I know now what I loved most about that race.  I moved from surviving cancer, to healing from cancer. Two very different mind sets.  I never looked back at being a cancer survivor- I started focusing on healing from cancer, and being the strongest person I could be- mentally and physically. So the Komen Dennver Race for the Cure means the world to me.  It put me on the path to heal from cancer.  It helps breast cancer patients who have to fight a much harder fight, for much longer than I ever did. 

I am running in the 5K again this year on October 3rd in Denver.  I am well trained for this race, and plan on going for my personal (unofficial) fastest 5K time.  I can’t think of a better 5K race where I would like to achieve a personal best.  But just to be there again- strong, healthy, able to run, and cancer free is a gift.  It’s a precious gift not everyone gets, and one that I am aware of every time I run.  So I am going to give it my all, and run it the strongest I can.  For myself and for all the cancer patients and survivors who can’t.

Last year I entered this race as a cancer survivor and ran.  This year I am entering this race as a runner, who happens to be a cancer survivor.  This is the spirit of the Komen Race for the Cure. I encourage all my readers to make a donation to the Race for the Cure, or better yet- sign up to walk or run in your local race.  You can find a list of races here. 

If you would like to make a donation in my name, to help raise money for breast cancer, you can click here.  Thank you!  🙂

Categories
Activities Mothering Parenting Ryan

The Boy Scout Paradox

The day before the first day of school, Ryan’s school had a meet the teacher event. There was also a Boy Scout information booth set up in the hallway.  As we were leaving, Ryan went right to the booth and started looking at all of the pictures.  The leader started talking to us about the various levels, activities, and when it would start.  

Ryan was intrigued and was very interested in becoming a Boy Scout.  I never participated in Girl Scouts, or even knew that much about the program.  Other than seeing the uniforms around, I wasn’t sure exactly what they did or what their purpose was.  The leader told us the first meeting and information session for new scouts would be in a few weeks, and we signed up to attend the meeting.

The past few weeks I’ve asked friends who are involved in Boy Scouts their opinions.  Everything I heard from them was positive.  I asked my friends on my personal Facebook page, what their experiences with Boy Scouts had been, and again, it was all positive.  There were several adult men who commented they had really enjoyed their time in Boy Scouts and it helped them learn a lot of different skills.  One of my friends also commented there really is no other program out there for boys like it. 

Then the comment came- just about the only thing I had remembered hearing about Boy Scouts, and that is their position towards gay people.  I haven’t read the actual policy word for word, but they prohibit any person who is gay from being a leader or participating in the organization. This has been challenged legally, but since they are a private organization, the policy has been upheld. 

One of my friends told me she would have enrolled her son, who is also in first grade, in Boy Scouts if not for this policy.  She was still thinking about it.  My friend Alison, told me she had friends who participated in Boy Scouts and it really depends on the local group.  Another friend of mine from high school, who has been involved in Boys Scouts for years with his two sons, and who is a leader, confirmed the same thing.  He also said in all his years involved, he had never heard one anti-gay comment, and it had never been an issue.

In our own circle of friends and family, there are gay people.  I teach Ryan and Cole to treat everyone with respect and kindness.  Personally, I disagree with the Boy Scout policy, and think they should change it- the sooner the better.  Ignoring that people are gay, and preventing them to participate in an organization is discrimination.  It seems hateful and very mean spirited.  Most of the information I read said the Boy Scout organization does not ask, or divulge into a person’s sexual orientation.  So it seems like the classic case of ”don’t ask, don’t tell.”   

Because I don’t agree with the Boy Scouts national policy on this issue, is that a good reason to keep my six year old from joining the organization?

The biggest question I had was, would telling Ryan he couldn’t join, change anything on a national level?  Sadly, the answer is no.  I feel in this case, the harm would be greater to Ryan- telling him he couldn’t join- than it would be to the Boy Scouts.  After considering what people have said their experiences have been at a local level, it didn’t seem likely that the anti-gay policy would be an issue at this time, in Ryan’s life.  He’s only six, and doesn’t fully grasp all the issues involved in this situation.   

I also think as a parent, the most important thing I can do is let him live life.  The way he wants to, within boundaries of course.  Ryan might not like Boy Scouts after he is in it for a year and will want to quit.  Or he could love it.  But if I never let him try what he wants to do, he will never know.  If he wants to continue in it, there will be a day for this policy conversation with him.  If he feels he doesn’t want to be part of an organization that bans gay people that will be his decision to make, when he is able to do so.  Not mine.  

Last night was the first meeting and Ryan loved it.  His best friend, who is in his class, showed up as well.  They both were so excited.  They watched the older boys with the flags.  They listened to the leaders speak.  They sang a song, and learned more about some of the activities they would be doing.  Ryan is already excited about archery. He wants to go get his uniform.  Cole also whispered to me when he is in first grade, he wants to be a Boy Scout too.   

The core values the Boys Scouts work hard to install, and the sense of accomplishment they help boys to develop in themselves, seems pretty amazing.  I heard boys a few years older than Ryan speak with pride about their activities. They were well spoken, polite, and confident.  It is puzzling that an organization that can cultivate these values with boys, has an anti-anything policy-especially a sexual orientation policy that can’t be chosen.  

As I heard the boys speaking last night, and I watched my own son, excited and eager, my hope for him is to be confident, have a sense of accomplishment, and develop a strong sense of self.  It’s bizarre the Boy Scouts have developed millions and millions of boys every year, with these strong core values, while maintaining their anti-gay policy.       

If Ryan’s generation can recognize discrimination, work to change and correct it, then the Boy Scouts will have had a hand in this, by the values they help develop.  Ending discrimination should start with the Boy Scout organization.  It’s an ironic paradox.

Categories
ACS Blogger Advisory Council Cancer Health

Hope Lodge-New York City

When I was in New York, I was invited to tour the Hope Lodge facility, as a member of the American Cancer Society (ACS) Blogger Advisory Council I serve on.  

The ACS has more than 30 Hope Lodge locations in the United States and Puerto Rico.  Their purpose is to provide cancer patients and their caregivers a temporary free place to stay when having to travel to another city for cancer treatments. 

As I toured the Jerome L. Greene Hope Center in the heart of New York, I was deeply touched.  I had no idea the scope of services they provide for cancer patients.  There are lovely and homey rooms, which don’t feel like hotel or hospital rooms.  Each floor includes a kitchen, dining area, a quiet lounge, and laundry.  In addition, Hope Lodge helps cancer patients with the healing process.  There are support programs which include meditation, touch therapy, support groups, yoga, and nutritional seminars.  Patients also have access to ACS services such as Look Good…Feel Better, the Wig Program, and Man to Man. 

If a patient is staying at Hope Lodge- all of it is free.  They have 60 rooms at Hope Lodge and they are booked every night, months in advance.  To stay at Hope Lodge, a patient has to be referred by a hospital social worker, as they try to serve the patients with the greatest needs.  I was very impressed as the director told us even if a cancer patient isn’t staying at Hope Lodge, if they are in the city for cancer treatment, they can still come and use all the services free of charge. 

I took a lot of pictures of the facility, but there is a virtual tour you can take as well.  I think that captures the lodge much better than the pictures I took. However, as we walked by the common area, there was a party going on.  There was a woman playing the piano, patients and their caregivers listening, talking, and visiting.  There was so much food, much of it baked by volunteers.  There were beautiful cookies which volunteers baked.  These pictures aren’t on the on-line tour:

 

This really touched me because of the amount of time, care, and sense of community that exists here.  We toured the facility for an hour, but you could tell there was a lot of love, and dedication, not just by the staff, but by the volunteers, caregivers, and patients themselves.

While I was listening to all the information, and seeing this facility, I couldn’t help but feel a bit overwhelmed in the facility.  It is a wonderful place for any cancer patient.  I wish there was a Hope Lodge in Denver, because I would definitely benefited from their services, even if I had not needed lodging. 

The moment that touched me the most, was as the tour was finishing and I was having a few words with Karen Radwin, the Senior Managing Executive.  She had taken us on the tour and had answered all of our questions.  We were standing somewhat away from the group and I told her I had thyroid cancer last year.  I am sure she can’t count how many times she hears cancer stories, but she listened to mine as if it was the only one she had ever heard.  She asked me questions, no one else had ever thought to ask about my cancer and recovery process.  Even though our conversation was just a few minutes, it still is with me.  

I’ve thought a lot about how to write this post.  There are so many wonderful things Hope Lodge provides, it is hard to pinpoint just a few.  But as a cancer survivor myself, the element I felt the most, from the moment I walked in, and what was confirmed by the tour was care.  The staff really cares and does whatever it can to help cancer patients.  Our medical professionals are so busy, it isn’t always possible to get the feeling of care and love in a hospital. 

The fact these lodges exist to provide caring and healing services to cancer patients is priceless.  It is a major step in the recovery process from cancer, and I am so glad Hope Lodges are there for cancer patients and their families in the direst time of need. 

No asks to have cancer.  No one really plans to have cancer.  Not everyone knows what to say or do when a loved one has cancer.  If you live near a Hope Lodge, seek them out.  They can help, even if the patient isn’t staying there. 

In a world where a disease like cancer is ruled by medical diagnosis’s, invading procedures, surgeries, and drugs, to be able to have services on the flip side, care, love, understanding, and support, is invaluable.  It is the difference between surviving cancer, and healing from cancer.

Categories
Family & Friends losing a parent Mothering

Six Months…

I have some fun blog posts to write about New York, our vacation to Michigan, school, and some running updates.  But those will have to wait. 

A few days ago, I was looking for a picture on my computer when the computer brought up the series of pictures of the trip I took to Disneyland in February 2009.  It was the trip I took with my mom, my brother, my sister, and sister-in-law, to celebrate my mom’s 60th birthday.  The pictures made me incredibly sad- to know now one year after that trip, almost to the day- my mom passed away.

My sister called me yesterday upset.  She had a situation in her classroom that was very difficult.  She mentioned it was particually upsetting since tomorrow (which is today), is the six-month mark of our mom passing away. 

I had a really hard time in May with my mom’s death.  I took some time “off” from everything and it helped.  I still have moments when I am really sad, and I miss her a lot, but it is slowing getting better on a day-to-day basis.  For travel to Michigan, we had layovers both ways in Minneapolis, where my mom lived.  The boys and I had lunch with my mom’s friends, Lisa, Annie, and Michelle, who all loved my mom, and helped our family immensely during all of this.  It was so good to talk to them and see them again.   

Those pictures from the other day must have reminded me on a subconscious level.  And yesterday, hearing the words out-loud from my sister- it made me feel a lot.  I can hardly believe my mom has been gone for six months.  It seems like six years.  I have missed her so much.  I’ve missed filling her in on so many things.  I miss talking to her. I miss her voice.  I miss her quirky little habits that used to annoy me.  I miss her late night calls.  I miss her support and love.  I miss not being able to tell her about Ryan and Cole. 

I have been so busy with so many things- until I stop and just think about her, I don’t think about missing her, don’t feel like I am missing her, and I feel guilty about that.  I feel guilty I drive by the cemetery she is laid to rest in almost every day, and I have only been there three times.  It was her wish to be buried there, but I hate seeing it everyday.  It is a beautiful cemetery for someone else’s mother.  I don’t want to think about my mother being there. 

But I also wanted to go today.  To be there.  To touch the gravestone, and to honor her memory.  The boys wanted to go as well- they said they wanted to talk to Nana.  We brought my mom flowers and pictures of our lives from the last six months- the first six months of events she’s missed.  Pictures of my brother, sisters, our children, our families, and our friends. 

The pictures don’t show the sadness and the sense of loss behind the smiles, the loss that is always there- buried, and ignored.  Because death is part of life. We have to move on with our lives, figuring it out as we go.  Together and separately.  No one processes the death of a parent exactly the same way.   

A woman at the hospice told my brother life without our mom never gets easier- it just gets different.  I know that is true.  With the pictures I brought to my mom’s grave, our lives are different than they were six months ago.  But as I was looking at them, I saw they show the basics in life that will never change, and what my mom would want for all of us.  They are pictures of our lives, and of our children’s-playing, growing, traveling, changing, loving, happiness, living.