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Cancer Family & Friends Health

Health & Stress

June 12th marked two years since I had my thyroidectomy and neck dissection to treat thyroid cancer.  I was planning to write a special blog post with references and guides for thyroid cancer patients.  When I started researching the condition, it was hard to find credible sources and information, and I thought it would be nice to have a source guide with all the valuable links to the information I have found and used over the past two years.

I still plan to write that, but it will have to wait.  On June 14th, I received the results from a biopsy.  It showed a moderate abnormal growth of cells, which I was told if left untreated, develops into cancer.  The condition is rare- my doctor said less than 1% of women ever develop this, and he didn’t even have that much information he could share with me, since his practice rarely has a patient with this. He said they don’t know what causes it, but a weakened immune system is suspected. 

It felt like déjà vu, and it was upsetting.  There wasn’t a lot of information on the Internet. But what I was able to find, was pretty much the same information my doctor had told me.  As I talked to my family and friends, the reality of what I need to do, became clear.

I had a few hours where I realized and accepted, like it or not, my immune system is weakened because of my prior cancer.  When I was recovering two years ago, I was really careful with not over doing it, resting, eliminating unnecessary stresses, and not “sweating the small stuff.”  I realized I’ve not been doing a great job of that lately.  As I discovered, when I don’t do these things, my health suffers. 

I decided to ask my doctor if he knew of any other doctors who specialize in this condition, and who were familiar with the more advanced treatment options.  He was able to refer me to specialist and I have an appointment with her next week.

After doing more research I believe I will be fine.  I think this was caught early enough and it is treatable.  I can liken it to when you find a suspicious mole and they tell you it needs to be removed because it could develop into melanoma if it is left untreated.  

Receiving news like this again- puts it in perspective.  There are very few things in life that are so important, it is worth the stress.  At times, the little things seem big.  Some of these things I can control, some of them I can’t.  It is hard to admit I can’t do it all. But trying to, and neglecting my health, isn’t an option for me anymore.    

The past few weeks, I’ve reevaluated ways I can cut down on my stress levels, and started working on building up my immune system. I don’t have the specialist’s diagnosis yet, but I feel like I have already started to fight this with these changes.      

I think health conditions can be a manifestation of stress.  One of the best books I’ve ever read on this topic is When the Body Says No, by Gabor Mate.  When things in your life aren’t working; your body gives you clues. What we chose to do with the clues-what we choose to change, can make all the difference.

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Cancer Current Events

Cancer, Divorce, & Custody of the Kids

When I saw the headline and watched the Today Show video stating that Alaina Giordano lost custody of her children, partly because she has Stage 4 breast cancer, I felt a flood of feelings. It certainly didn’t seem right or in the best interest of her kids, for them to be taken away from their mother just because she had cancer.

Having had cancer while I was going through a divorce with custody issues, I can relate. Fortunately, at the time of the divorce trial, there were no traces of my thyroid cancer left, and my prognosis was excellent for survival. Divorce cases are hard at best, and to his credit, my ex-husband and his attorney never raised that aspect in our divorce case. However, it makes me nervous on some level for parents who are fighting for custody of their children and who may have a disease- terminal or not.

The Alaina Giordano case raises a lot of concerns.  While the case facts have not been made public, there are allegations of domestic violence, mental illness, and cheating on both sides. Ms. Giordano has admitted to cheating, while her ex-husband has not. Clearly there are other issues involved besides Ms. Giordano’s terminal cancer.

With all things considered- assuming half way between all the allegations, somewhere is the truth, or at least only the facts that Judge Nancy Gordon, could consider, there are two parents accusing each other of severe wrongdoing and behavior that could be damaging to their two children, Sofia, 11, and Bud, 5.  With a terminal cancer diagnosis for the mom, and testimony from a forensic psychologist, Dr. Helen Brantley, who Judge Gordon cited in her ruling saying, “The more contact [the children] have with the non-ill parent, the better they do. They divide their world into the cancer world and a free of cancer world. Children want a normal childhood, and it is not normal with an ill parent.”, and it seems like Ms. Giordano’s cancer was the deciding factor in this case.

On the surface, I don’t think any parent should be penalized with losing custody of their children for their health, as long as they can take care of their children, and children don’t see their parent suffering.

My kids saw me fight cancer. They knew what cancer was, they knew why I was going to the hospital. They saw me after my neck had been dissected and I was in the hospital. They saw me sick for months as I recovered. They knew why I didn’t have enough energy to be the mom to them for a while like they were used to. They knew why they couldn’t be around me for a week- because I was getting a pill that would kill the cancer in my body, but it put out energy that was dangerous for them to be around as kids. They saw me at my weakest- on days I could barely care for them and had to have family help me. They also saw me recover, gain my strength back, and beat it. When I told them in March, my cancer was gone for good, they lit up, because they understand, because I never hid it from them. When I was diagnosed with cancer, and while I fought the hard part of it they were five and a half and three. I obviously didn’t go into all the details with them, but they knew what they needed to know for their age.

I’ve written a lot about how the main motivation for me during this time was my kids. I could not imagine how it would have been if I had not been allowed to see them or my parenting time had been reduced, or they were ordered to be moved away from me to another city. It would be even more devastating if the only reason for this was because it would be better for them not to be around the parent of the “cancer world.” I am not a forensic psychologist, but I am a mother and Dr. Brantley’s statement seems ludicrous. Of course children want a normal childhood- don’t we all? But life happens, and sometimes parents get sick. Sometimes they have cancer, sometimes other diseases, and sometimes they die. But this doesn’t necessarily mean that kids want to reduce contact with their sick or dying parent. Most kids who can understand that someday Mom or Dad may die from cancer, I would imagine, would want to spend as much time as possible with the parent. It’s human nature. Kids aren’t any different.

I’m not saying kids should be there to the bitter end, or witness health conditions beyond what they can handle, but I was always keenly aware of how my health could be affecting my boys. I called my ex-husband one evening and told him I was not well enough to take care of the kids for a few days, and it wasn’t good for them to see me that sick. I didn’t try to keep my kids with me, and my ex-husband and his family made arrangements for care for the boys for a few days during this time. At other times, I stayed with my dad and step-mom so they could help and provide support. I have a hard time imagining any parent fighting a disease would think or do otherwise if their health started to jeopardize their children’s outlooks or feelings.

After thinking, discussing, and reading more about this case, and having gone through the divorce procedure in Colorado, with a judge at a trial to decide many issues in my divorce, I have a hard time believing the sole reason for the judge’s decision was only because of cancer. It appears it did come into play, but we frankly do not have all the facts. In my experience, (and the judge in my case was a woman) courts do not want to separate kids and parents. They are not looking to split up mothers and children, and fathers and children. But when there are circumstances that warrant it, they make their decisions with the information they have, and sadly sometimes, those decisions can only be based on information that is proven (such as a police report in the case of a domestic violence allegation.) If there is no evidence, then the judge can’t consider it.

I have not had to face the prognosis that my cancer was terminal. I don’t attempt to explain how that would feel as a mother with two children. Not knowing if you have a year, or six months, or ten years, would be agonizing. I did think about dying though, and what would happen to my children. If my children’s father lived in another state, and was not planning on moving back to the state where I lived, the reality is, when I died, they would be in the care of their father. For me personally, I would feel more at peace and feel like I did everything I could for my children if I helped them as much as I could with that transition with whatever time I had left. Cancer isn’t fair, and divorce isn’t fair. The toll it can take on children is the most unfair part of it all.

This case is definitely complicated, yielding a lot of mixed feelings for parents going through a divorce with custody issues, who have or have had less than ideal health. I hope the parties involved can come to some sort of compromise that will keep the children’s need for their mother in their lives, while she is doing well and fighting cancer, while also being realistic and planning for the future. Cancer or not, divorce or not, the children need to come first.

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Current Events Family & Friends Parenting

A Historical Day- Why I’m Happy Bin Laden is Dead

It would be hard to not have heard the news by now: On Sunday May 1, 2011, the United States killed Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.  As I heard the news, it almost sounded too good to be true.  This was the most hunted man in the world for almost a decade.  He had eluded capture from one of the most sophisticated and advanced armed forces in the world.  Two leaders of the free world had failed to capture him (until today).  I think many Americans might have given up hope of ever finding Bin Laden alive, but hoping he had died somewhere in a cave, while we prayed the US would never see another 9/11.

As the news filtered in, it was hard to believe until we could hear it from President Obama. As I listened to the President tell the world, Osama Bin Laden, was indeed dead, so many feelings were recalled.  The terror of 9/11.  I don’t think anyone who saw images from that day will ever forget them. Seeing people jumping out of the World Trade Center as it burned from airplanes being purposely crashed into them by terrorists.  Seeing the scorched earth in Pennsylvania where Flight 93 had collided- not fully realizing what had happened.  Watching the Twin Towers crumbling, and realizing our innocence, and security had crumbled right along with them.  The lost innocence- our world had changed in a matter of minutes.  We all were in shock and mourned these things, but the majority of American’s hearts were broken on 9/11 for the loss of innocent lives, and for the pain and suffering the victim’s famlies, friends, and loved ones were left with. 

I was 28. I cried like most people did.  I knew the world would never be the same.  My unborn children would never know what it would be like to live in a pre 9/11 world. As the days, months, and years followed, we, as a nation were horrified.  Bin Laden’s attacks on the United States did change our world, and we have lived with them every day since.

Last year while I was in New York, Amy and I thought about going to Ground Zero.  Neither one of us could do it.  I got emotional just thinking about it.  Almost 9 years later- it was too painful, too fresh, and too sad.  Having lost my mom a few months before, I could not contemplate having to live with the fact every day that a loved one was murdered by terrorists.

I had tears in my eyes as I listened to President Obama’s announcement tonight.  This man, this evil coward terrorist, who murdered thousands of innocent people, was truly dead and gone from our world forever. It doesn’t bring back the innocent, nor can we ever go back to the world before 9/11, but somehow, all of a sudden, the world feels a little safer than it did this morning.  I heard on the news, one 9/11 victim’s son say, “The face of evil is dead.”

To all the armed forces and their families: thank you for all the work you have done over the years, with much sacrifice at times, to accomplish this feat.  Politics aside, it is the hard work of these people, who put their lives on the line who are truly heroes every day.  Politically, I think this is bigger than just one political party.  It obviously took both parties a lot of effort, determination, leadership, and help from other countries to kill Bin Laden. It wasn’t a Democratic or a Republican victory, but it is a victory for the United States, and really the world. 

The events put into motion on 9/11 are not events to be happy about.  But is the death of the man who started these events reason to be happy?  Yes. I am happy Osama Bin Laden is dead. I am happy that he will not live another day to murder another innocent person.  I am happy the master mind of the evilest terrorist group in the world will not have another chance to personally influence another person.  I am happy the victim’s families of all the innocent people he murdered directly or indirectly can go to sleep tonight, knowing he is gone.  As a mother, I’m elated as the world changed for the worst on September 11, 2001, today, my children now have a world where Osama Bin Laden’s sickening and evil influence has been reduced. 

The world has suffered with Osama Bin Laden in it, and I can only hope it improves with him out of it.  This is hope, and this is our future.   

I was reminded of a quote tonight, and I’m not quoting it to be political, but I think it sums up the events of May 1, 2011 perfectly. 

“Great harm has been done to us. We have suffered great loss. And in our grief and anger we have found our mission and our moment. Freedom and fear are at war. Our nation – this generation – will lift a dark threat of violence from our people and our future. We will rally the world to this cause by our efforts, by our courage. We will not tire, we will not falter, and we will not fail.”

George W. Bush,  9/11/2001

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Activities Cancer Cole Family & Friends Health losing a parent Parenting Running Ryan School Work

Time for an Update!

It’s been a month since I’ve written a blog post!  I wish I had a great excuse for not doing so, but I’ve been busy.  Mainly with work.  I work in the accounting field, and this is always a busy time of year.

I’ve been well since my last post- finding out I was cured from cancer.  It is pretty hard to top that!  My doctor changed my Synthroid dosage slightly for reasons I mentioned in the previous post.  I now take a smaller dosage on Sunday, and I’m finding I’m very tired on Monday and Tuesday.  It’s amazing how such a small adjustment down in dosage can affect how I feel.  I’ve been trying to get more rest on these nights, and just hoping eventually my body will adjust.  But it’s always a process. 

The weather has been so windy here, and we’ve had lots of rain and cooler temperatures.  Combined with my being swamped at work, and extra tired two days out of the week, I’ve not been running as often or as long as I would like to.  I also had a hard time last year, around this time of year.  Everything with my mom being sick, dying, having her funeral, her birthday, and then Mother’s Day, started in February and goes until May.  It’s only been a year, and it’s still an emotionally hard time during these “anniversary” dates. 

I’m trying to let myself feel what I need to feel and not push myself physically too much.  I have been able to get out on shorter runs on tougher routes during my lunch, and that feels like the extent of what I want to do with running for now.  I hope as the weather gets nicer, I can start running longer distances again and get out on my bike.  I was going to try to run a half marathon in April, but I hadn’t been able to build up the mileage, and I didn’t want to risk running that distance and get hurt.  I’m not going to pressure myself to run in any races for the time being, but am just going to enjoy running when I can for now. 

Ryan and Cole are doing great.  School is almost over for them, and they are excited about attending a school / day camp program where they will be learning and going on field trips this summer. They have both learned how to ice skate, and enjoy playing hockey- on ice, and in our driveway.  Ryan is finishing up Cub Scouts for the year and they both started karate lessons a few weeks ago.  They love it, and are already talking about earning their next level belt. They don’t want to be white belts anymore!  Here’s a picture of them from their first lesson:

I’m looking forward to summer- the warmer weather and spending time with my boys.  They are growing so fast, and after this summer my “baby” will be in school full-time.  Cole is going to be five next month, and in full time kindergarten in the fall.  It seems like those years from when he was a baby to now, have just flown by.  I hope we can slow down a bit during the summer, relax more, and I can savor what is left of my youngest child’s pre-school days. 

My 20th (gulp) high school reunion is planned for July. I helped plan our 10 year reunion, and am helping out as much as I can on planning the 20th.  If I thought my kids were growing too fast, it seems crazy I’ve been out of high school for (almost) two decades!  It will be fun to see everyone in person, and see all of our kids- new ones, and see how the babies have grown into pre-teens and teenagers from the last reunion.  Seems like we were just kids ourselves, and now we have kids- when did that happen? 😉

I am planning a special post in June, to coincide with the two year anniversary of my thyroid cancer surgery.  I’m excited about it, and I think it will help so many cancer patients looking for resources and answers.

This is some of what has been going on- of course there is more, but I’m trying to get to bed earlier, so the more will just have to wait. 🙂 I post shorter updates on my FaceBook Fan Page.  I hope you will stop by there, and even though it’s been a few weeks, thanks for continuing to read A Mama’s Blog.

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Cancer Cole Family & Friends Health Parenting Ryan

Thyroid Cancer- “You Are Cured”

Twenty three months ago, I was diagnosed with Stage 2 papillary thyroid cancer. I had a feeling before I was diagnosed, even though the odds were only 1 in 10, the nodule on my thyroid was cancer.  I can’t explain why, but in the back of my mind, I knew.

 A month later, I found out the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes, and not only was I going to have my thyroid removed, but an extensive neck dissection removing cancerous lymph nodes. 

Reading back on these posts brought back a lot of emotions for me; uncertainty, fear, sadness, and the unknown. As I faced the surgery, I did the only thing I could do, and that was deal with everything.  My surgeon, Dr. Peter Schmid, was able to save the lymph nodes in the right side of my neck.  The biopsies he performed during surgery on those lymph nodes were not testing positive for cancer, so the surgery was not as invasive as originally thought.  It was still as he warned me though, “brutal.” 

The recovery from surgery was a nightmare, because of some mistakes made by my then endocrinologist’s office.  I went for three months without Synthorid and was extremely hypothyroid.

After the radioactive iodine treatment (RAI) was complete and I could start on Synthroid in August, 2009, things started to improve.  I felt better every day.  I started running.  I felt like the cancer was gone, but as I’ve written before, cancer changes your outlook on life. What seemed secure isn’t, what you take for granted before, you don’t.  It has always been there I could still have cancer, or it could come back. I started the recurrence tests two weeks ago, having had to delay them several months due to insurance issues.

Last week I had numerous tests including a full PET body scan, and blood labs work done.  I have felt poorly for the past week, from side effects from Thyrogen, used for the tests. At the scan, I received initial good news- the tech performing the scan, along with the radiologist said my thyroid area looked good.

But nothing could prepare me yesterday for the official results with my new endocrinologist, Dr. W.  She confirmed the scan had come back clean, and looked great.  Dr. W. told me my thyroglobulin level (Tg) which measures for thyroid cancer had come back undetectable. It should be at zero if there is no cancer.  Before my surgery, Dr. Schmid had told me my Tg level was 37, which was very high for someone my age, indicating cancer had spread from the thyroid.  With the Tg level undetectable that was the proof in my blood, the cancer was gone-for now.  Then Dr. W. told me the words, I was not expecting, “…I’d say the cancer is cured.  You are cured.”

I got through the rest of the appointment, trying to listen to what is next.  Dr. W. told me I don’t have to do the recurrence tests again. She suggested since I’ve met my insurance deductible for the year, to have a neck ultrasound done now, and then I won’t have to have one for two years.  I will need to come in for blood work once a year.  She needs to adjust my Synthroid down slightly, because there is risk of side effects developing later in my life if I stay at the dosage I’m on. But other than that- it’s over.  I’m cured.

It seemed surreal as I walked out of her office, which is across the street from the hospital where I had my surgery two years ago.   I sat in my car, and started to shake.  And then I started to cry.  I cried tears of relief, tears of joy, and I cried all the uncertainty and doubts away I’ve carried with me for the past two years.  This ordeal was over.  I beat cancer, and I was officially cured. 

The first person I had to tell was my dad.  I don’t know how I would have survived that summer after my surgery without him.  When I was so sick from not having thyroid medication, he did more than I ever could have asked him to do for me.  He took care of the boys and I, when I couldn’t. I didn’t have to ask, he just did.  When I was scared, he wasn’t.  When I couldn’t drive myself to my doctor’s appointments, he did.  I only found out later, how scared he had been for me too.  I called him first and told him. I could hear the relief and happiness in his voice.

Then I called Dr. Schmid.  I left him a message and thanked him for his skill and expertise in my case. He had promised me I would live to see my boys grow up, and he was right.  Throughout this entire process, every doctor who has worked with me, has remarked how amazing it was that Dr. Schmid had been able to get out so much of the cancer from just the surgery.  Even yesterday, Dr. W. made that comment again, that he did a magnificent job.  She also confirmed there were no traces at all of cancer in the right lymph nodes- the ones Dr. Schmid had left in place.  He had been correct about that as well. I feel so grateful to him.  In a sense, he gave me my life back, and I don’t have to worry about cancer because of his thoroughness. He also always treated me like a person first, and a cancer patient second.  Two years after the fact, I wanted to thank him again for the crucial part he played in my hearing those words, “You are cured.” 

I called my very good friend, Amy, next.  Like my family and so many of my other friends, Amy’s been there every step of the way for me.  She went with me last week to my scan, just so I wouldn’t have to be there alone, while another friend, Heather, watched her kids, so Amy could come with me.  She texted me before and after the appointment yesterday. She was in the hospital visiting me after the surgery, and organized help for me. She entered and we were finalists in a contest for a trip to New York, because I missed going to Chicago with her after I had surgery.  Whenever I needed anything, Amy either did it, or asked another one of our friends if they could help me. 

Then I called my family. Like my dad, they did whatever they could to help me out and the boys.  They were all terrified for me, but were strong and told me I was going to beat this.  They believed in the outcome, when I didn’t.  When I found out I had cancer, I had to leave them a message to call me back, and some things never change.  No one answered their phone yesterday. 🙂  They all called me back throughout the evening, and I was able to give them the good news.

I sent messages to my friends- the ones who have been my extended family, and did whatever I needed from cooking meals, to cleaning my house, to watching the boys during my doctor appointments, to mowing my lawn.  I am still so thankful for all of their help and support.  

I didn’t call one person though right away, I wanted to tell him in person.  When I was at home, quarantined after my RAI treatment, he would send me happy, funny, normal, run-of-the day messages.  He talked to me as his friend from school, not as though I was sick.  He’d joke my super power was now being radioactive.  When I wrote him back, I didn’t feel like I had cancer, and my neck had just been dissected.  I felt like myself. I didn’t have to talk to him about being sick, cancer, and all my fears.  It was a sense of normalcy, and it was a beginning. A beginning that showed me I was still the same person with or without cancer. Our conversations brought out the healthy, happy side in me, not the scared and sick side.  It wouldn’t matter to John if I had been told yesterday I wasn’t cured.  He’d still be there, but I was very happy to tell him I didn’t have cancer anymore. 

The two little guys I want to hold, hug, and kiss, will have to wait. They went to their dad’s for a week for Spring Break.  They gave me so much strength-strength I didn’t know I had.  When I was at my lowest and weakest points, unable to even walk up a few stairs at my dad’s house, I’d see them playing outside, and knew I had to make it up the stairs, so I could see them play.  They deserved a mom who could watch them play.  And I would find a way to walk up the stairs- something that had been impossible to do, until I saw them.  

I told my friends other than the boys being born; yesterday was the happiest day of my life.  I was wrong.  When I can hold Ryan and Cole and tell them Mommy’s cancer is gone- that will be the happiest day yet.  I get to see my boys grow up, and I can finally give them that reassurance. 

To all my family, friends, and blog readers, thank you all for being here with me. Thank you for helping me fight and beat cancer.  From the day I was diagnosed with cancer through yesterday the support has been overwhelming.  I feel like you are all a piece of the puzzle and you all fitted in to help me exactly when and how I needed it. 

To all my blog readers who are battling thyroid or any cancer currently, don’t give up.  All the fears, pain, and doubts, you currently have are only temporary.  Draw on whatever gives you strength. It is easy to lose your spirit with cancer. It took mine for a while, but it only wins when you give up.  Some days you have to fight with everything you have and then some.  But at the end, when you beat it, and you hear the words, “It’s gone,” or “It’s in remission,” or the sweetest one of all, “You are cured,” it will all be worth it and then some.  I promise.