Categories
Cancer Health Me

Facing My Health Fears

As the last week of 2009 starts, I am struggling with a few health matters I keep putting off.

I “fired” my endocrinologist in November.  I was supposed to have a follow-up apppointment 4 weeks after I started on Synthroid to make sure my dosage was correct, which means I should have been seen in September.  However, they couldn’t fit me in until November.  Fortunately, I had a follow-up appointment with my surgeon in October, and he was able to order the test and confirm my dosage was correct. 

After the errors that the endocrinologist’s office made after my surgery in the summer, I lost a lot of confidence in them.  They did get my initial dosage correct though- the first time, which is almost unheard of.  I was told it could take almost a year for my dosage of Synthroid to be fined tuned.  Several thyroid cancer survivors I know have had their dosages adjusted no less than 6 times, and one person has told me her dosage has been adjusted 12 times in less than a year.

When I knew my dosage was correct in October, I called my endocrinologist’s office and canceled my appointment for November and told them I was going to find a different doctor closer to my home.  I told them I was disappointed with the errors they made, but thankful they were able to determine my correct dosage so accurately. 

So here I am- almost two months later and I haven’t started a search, or let alone been in to see a new endocrinologist.  My surgeon recommended two at the health clinic in town, who he said were trained at the facility of my former endocrinologist.  It would be very easy for me to call and get an appointment, and yet I find myself hesitating. 

Last week I received a reminder postcard from my doctor’s office for my annual exam.  I am due to see her in January.  This was the appointment where she first felt an abnormality in my thyroid last year.  I have put off scheduling that appointment too, because I’m nervous.  I know in reality, the chances of any other major health issue being discovered, is very slim, and I know early detection is the key to everything.  But again, I am hesitating.

I feel like I have just put all the cancer and health issues behind me, and these appointments are reminders that I have to start thinking about it again.  It also is like a  bright flashing light into a dark room, reminding me there are no guarantees, and anything can happen.  I might think I am in good health, and everything is fine, only to discover I have an illness that is out of my control.  The thought has entered my mind more than once- what if they find I have another type of cancer?

I have never been nervous or afraid doctor appointments- I used to like going, to hear everything was fine.  I am not sure  I will ever have that feeling again.  I’m not sure if I will always hear everything is fine anymore.  Not scheduling these appointments means I don’t  have to deal with these feelings right now.   

But yet, by not dealing with these feelings, and not making the appointments, the uncertainty stays with me, and my fears grow- not occupying my thoughts, but just below the surface.  It settles in my mind when I am falling asleep, or it is the first thing I think of when I wake up- am I really okay, or has it been a mistake?

The only way to find out for sure, and to get rid of this doubt is to just make and go the appointments.  I promised myself I would make the appointments before the end of the year, so I now have four days left.  Despite my fears, I know this is a promise I have to keep.     

Categories
Family & Friends Health Holidays Me

It’s A Wonderful Life

244px-It's_A_Wonderful_Life

photo credit by Wikipedia

It’s A Wonderful Life is my favorite Christmas movie.  Growing up, I seemed to watch it several times during the holidays. I haven’t seen it though recently in many years.   

There are so many true-to-life themes in the movie.  The main one being, you never really can know the extent that your life touches others.  Another theme is even though our lives may seem ordinary to us, no life is just ordinary.  Even if we never achieve what we set out to do, or life goes in a totally different direction that what we planned, our life still matters and can be great and inspiring to others by the course it does take.  One of the quotes from the movie is, “every man’s life is important because it touches so many other lives.”  Another theme is we don’t appreciate what we have, or truly understand the blessings we have in our life, until they are taken away.

I find it a little more than just coincidence that I’m thinking about this story and its themes this year, after what has been undoubtedly, the hardest year of my life.  The last twelve months have not been easy.  Cancer and divorce are not easy to face as separate events, and this year they ran parallel for me.  Many times during the year, I could not wait until 2009 was over, and I could put this horrible year behind me.

As I have thought more and more about it, I have realized while the year has been hard, it has not been horrible.  So many positive things have happened as well.  Personally, I have learned many valuable things over the course of the year.  One of which, is you are never really alone.  There are always family and friends that support you.  Because of my illness this year, I found this out to an extent I have never experienced before.  I am not certain that without my illness, I would have ever discovered this. 

The other night, the closing scene from It’s A Wonderful Life popped into my mind.  It is when George sees the inscription in the book from Clarence which says, “remember no man is a failure who has friends.”  This past year by itself was difficult.  But because of my friends and family, it has been a wonderful year.  My children and I are truly blessed.  Thank you all. 

I wish all my family, friends, and blog readers the happiest of holidays, and much happiness, love, and friendship in 2010.  All of us really do, have a wonderful life.

Categories
Cole Mothering Parenting Ryan School

Childhood Innocence

My kids are pretty good about not begging, or whining for things.  But they are kids, and they have their methods of operations.

Ryan is very persistent when he has his eye on something and will mention it several times- he never forgets anything.  He seems to just wear me down over time.  He doesn’t whine, but just never drops the subject. 

Cole looks at me with his big, blue, eyes and smiles at me, and it gets me every time. Good thing he isn’t at an age where he is asking for more than goldfish crackers for his snack right now.

A few days ago Ryan mentioned in passing that his school was having a book fair, and there was a pointer he really liked.  He said we could go on Thursday.  It didn’t really register at the time, so I told him we’d talk about it on Thursday.

Today when he came home from school he told me that we were going to the book fair tonight- it was the last night, they were open until eight, and he needed the pointer for his “classroom.” He added, “Please Mom,” which he never does. 

Ryan loves playing school.  On the days he doesn’t have school, he has played school for eight hours straight.  He has lesson plans, reading, music classes, hall passes- everything.  So when he said this pointer was for his class, I asked him to tell me about it.  He said it was a pointer so he could read and point to the words in his books and so he could teach the kids in his class.  I told him I’d think about it.

When it was time for dinner, Ryan said we had to hurry up to eat so we could get to the book fair before eight.   I was torn.  I don’t want to give into my kids every time they want something.  On the other hand, it is so innocent.  He wasn’t asking for an $80 video game- he wanted something to enhance his school play.  While I was debating the pros and cons, he started crying and said if he didn’t get the pointer, he was never going teach again!  So dramatic!

I explained to him that we don’t throw fits when we don’t get what we want.  I told him if he stopped that behavior, I would keep thinking about it, and let him know after dinner.  Of course he stopped crying right away, and I told him after dinner we would go check out the book fair. 

When we walked into the library, his eyes lit up and he said, “Come here Mom, and I’ll show the pointers.”  I guess I was expecting a little laser pointer, or something with a little light on the end of it, and it took everything I had not to start laughing when I saw what my son had his heart set on:

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I told him and Cole they could each get one, and they both stood there for several minutes deciding which color pointer to get.  It was very cute and evidently, very important. 

I remember when I was Ryan’s age- that time in childhood when playing and make-believe is your biggest worry.  Those times go so fast- they are almost gone for Ryan.  I looked at how innocent and care-free both my boys are right now, and know it won’t always be this way for them.  Childhood is gone in a blink of an eye.   One day, that will be here sooner than I think, we will have much bigger issues to face than pointers at the book fair.  

Ryan and Cole may never remember the pointers, but I will.  For now those pointers delay the inevitable a bit, and help keep my children, children just a little longer.

Categories
Family & Friends Running

Rest and Rebuild

I made a decision on whether I am going to continue running or not.

I went on a 5K walk last Tuesday and thought.  Up to that point, I really did not know how to get back to where I had been, and I felt like my fitness level was slipping.  I had not had a positive run in almost a month.  I felt it slipping through my fingers, but couldn’t stop it.  I was missing something, but didn’t know what.

I appreciated the comments left on the blog post, and the encouraging  e-mails readers sent me.  When I read one though, it clicked because I realized I had no plan, no course of action, and no structure to what I have been doing.

The advice I had been reading in various articles all say to let shin splints heal, and the “get back out there.”  It doesn’t say how to do that.  What do you do in the meantime?  How do you keep your fitness level up?  How do you keep your breathing and pacing?  How do “get back out there” again, without getting injured?

Not knowing how to do this was causing me so much frustration and was causing me to lose confidence.  After I read a message from my friend, who gave me some great ideas on how to actually “get back out there,” I felt excited again.  I felt like I finally had a plan and some ideas that would work.

One of the suggestions was I walk.  I walk fast while my shins are healing and I can work on breathing and pacing at the same time.  I decided to try walking the 5K distance. 

While I was walking, things came together.  I found a great stride, and I found my breathing and pacing working together again.  One of the things my friend said was I had to “rest and rebuild.”  I thought about that while I was walking in the second mile. 

I knew deep down, rest and rebuild was what I had to do, but I was afraid.  I was afraid while I was resting I would slip so far back, there wouldn’t be much left to rebuild with.  

In the third mile, I realized my breathing was heavy.  Walking fast is work and it is fitness.  I also had no shin pain and no cramps.  I knew then I could rebuild and comeback.  The fear was gone.  I checked my time when I was finished and I walked the 3.2 miles in 39 minutes.  This was faster than I had been able to run this distance when I was starting out.

On Saturday, I went for another 5K walk, before arctic weather moved in.  It had snowed and there was a lot of ice on the sidewalks.  I am getting over bronchitis, so I had to be careful and breathe differently. 

I found my pacing and stride immediately.  It felt like I was almost running, but I wasn’t.  I had no shin pain, and no cramps.  I forgot about time, and running, and just had fun and enjoyed my walk.  I hadn’t felt that good- that confident, in a month. 

After the walk, I checked my time, and I had done the 5K distance in 35 minutes.  Four minutes faster than on Tuesday, and faster than my finishing time in my first 5K running race.

I have to continue to rest and rebuild, which is hard- I’m going to have more challenges.  But as my friend pointed out, and as I have begun to discover, it is the foundation where you heal, learn, and gain confidence.   

I don’t know how long it will take before I can start running again. But I’m not going to give it up.  Rest and rebuild isn’t the end, but the begining.

Categories
Health Me Running

Sidelined by Shin Splints-Maybe for Good

A few days after the 5K race last month, my shins hurt a lot and I knew I had shin splints.  The only thing I could do was rest them, which meant not running.  

I sat out for nine days, and I hated it.  I felt like every day I missed running, all the momentum I had gained in the last three months was slipping away.  I tried to be proactive, and I read up on shin splints so I would learn how to treat them, and also how to prevent getting them again.  I think adding sprints to the end of my running is what caused me to get them in the first place.  I increased the speed that I ran these too quickly.

I also learned I wasn’t stretching my calves as well I could have, so I learned some deeper calf muscle stretches, and some other stretches just for the shins.  My two Uncle Mike’s, both former marathon runners, suggested that I start landing on my heel more, versus the front of my foot.  The Chi Running method also incorporates this- and teaches you to put more of your weight in the middle of your foot.

After taking nine days off, and not feeling shin pain, I set out last Tuesday to run again.  I only ran two miles to take it slow.  At first I didn’t feel any pain, but the last quarter mile I started to feel the slightest pain.  Two hours later, my shins hurt again.  Obviously they weren’t healed.  I was bummed, but several people told me, and I read that if you keep running while you have shin splints, it can lead to further damage and even surgery.  I was encouraged that even though I only ran 2 miles, I ran those at an eight minute pace. 

The next few days, my shins started to feel better, but I had come down with a bad cold so I wasn’t going to run in the colder weather while I was sick.  On Saturday, I had no shin pain whatsoever, and my cold was getting better.  I decided to try out the 3.2 miles for a 5K distance, but go very slowly, incorporating the new running methods I have read about.

I started out well- there was no pain at all.  But I noticed right away landing on my foot differently, changed the pacing I was used to.  This caused my breathing to be off, and as a result, I got a terrible pain in my side.  Just like when I first started running!  I realized I was going to have to find my pacing and breathing all over again!   I decided to concentrate on that, and completing the 5K distance for the rest of the run. 

When I was about half-way through, I got a shooting cramp in my thigh.  That had never happened before to me at all, and I think it was from the new way I was landing.  I never did find my breathing and pacing rhythm, and at the end of the run, I realized I forgot to time myself.  About the only success I had was there was no shin pain, and I was able to run the 5K distance with a cramp in my side and thigh.  Not exactly what I was hoping for.

If I decide to keep running, I am going to have to start out slowly again, and build back up to where I was.  I have to start all over again!  I wanted to enter a 5K race this month, but there is no way I am ready for that right now.  I am mad at myself that I got shin splints to begin with- I should have been more careful.  It seems like it is a fine line between pushing yourself to do better, while at the same time not pushing so much that you end up injured.  

I admit after that horrible run on Saturday, I was frustrated and disappointed beyond belief!  I have been thinking about just giving it up.  I wonder if I really have it in me to start from square one again?  I thought about asking a few people that have been really supportive of my running, what they think I should do, but I know I have to make this decision for myself.  It would be easier to not run, and just wait until the weather warmed up and I could start riding my bike again.  After all, I only started out running to run one race, and I accomplished that and more. 

I have no shin pain, and in theory I could start again from square one.  Tuesday is a day I normally run, but I haven’t decided if I am going to start again today.  Part of me tells me not to quit- that I can do this, and another part tells me I’ve done what I set out to do.  Is that enough for me?   Will I always wonder what else I could have accomplished if I stop running now?  Is it worth it to risk more injuries and all the hard work again?

When I can answer these questions, I will have a decision.