Category: Mothering

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Attachment Parenting Cole Mothering Parenting

Falling Short

Cross posted at API Speaks

Last month I wrote about a sweet moment I had with Cole, when I responded to his cries, and did not allow him to cry it out.  I wish I could say that was our “happily ever after,” regarding sleep with Cole, but it wasn’t.

I suspected a few hours after Cole’s birth that he might be a high needs/fussy baby.  Within a few days, I knew we had our own high needs baby.  One of the characteristics Cole displayed, was I could not put him down, without him instantly starting to cry.  This of course, carried over to sleep time as well.

For the first six or so months of Cole’s life, he literally slept ON me.  I would lie down, and he would instantly fall asleep on me.  Any other method I tried to get him to go to sleep resulted in intense screaming. 

Needless to say, this was exhausting.  I never slept that well with him on me, but at least this allowed me to doze and snooze, and was the better alternative to being up all night with a screaming baby.  As Cole continued to grow, his laying on me was not working anymore.  I knew it was time to come up with a different sleeping arrangement.

Having Cole sleep in the bed with us, didn’t work.  The moment we moved, he woke up and started crying.  We were also getting midnight visits from Ryan too, (who was three at the time), and he would just jump in the bed, half asleep.  Obviously, this wasn’t a safe situation, because Ryan could have jumped on Cole and hurt him.

We finally decided to move Cole’s crib into our room, and place it next to our bed.  At least he could still hear me breathe and would know I was near him, even though he wasn’t sleeping on me.  I figured this was going to take some adjustment, but I was determined out of sheer desperation, to get Cole to sleep in his crib.

The first night, after nursing Cole, I placed him in the crib.  I sat on the edge of my bed, and patted his back, while I softly whispered to him.  He fussed for about a minute, and then went to sleep.  As I tried to leave the room, he would notice that my hand was no longer on his back, and he’d start crying.  As long as I sat on the edge of the bed, haunched over the crib, with my hand on his back, he was fine and would sleep.  Even after an hour, when I thought he had to be asleep, as soon as I took my hand off his back, the screaming started. After a few nights of this, Cole finally got to the point where I could get him to sleep, take my hand off his back, and leave the room. 

The only thing that was predictable with Cole was he was unpredictable.  Some nights he loved the crib and would fall asleep instantly, and other nights sleeping just didn’t happen-for him or for me.  I would not be honest if I didn’t say that some nights I was so incredibly frustrated with Cole.  I could not understand why my baby would not sleep, even though I was doing everything I could think of for him.  The nights I sat up with him in the living room at 1am, 2am, 3am, 4am, crying because I was beyond sleep deprived, were countless.

Shortly before Cole turned one, we were having a particularly bad night.  Nothing was working to get Cole to sleep, and he had been crying for hours.  I was so incredibly frustrated, exhausted, and the end of my rope.  I wanted to make Cole stop crying, so I could go to sleep.  That exhausted and drained part of me wondered what would happen if I just gave him a shake to see if he would stop crying.  Instantly, I felt like the worse mother on the earth. 

Thank goodness that was just a fleeing thought that did not manifest itself, but it scared me.  That night I put Cole in his crib, where he was safe, sat on the floor in the room and let him cry.  I think that was the hardest night ever for me a mother, because I was totally out of options and was completely and utterly burned out. 

After 30 minutes, Cole finally fell asleep. It was hard to listen to him cry, but in the state we were in, it was the only thing left to do.  As I sat on the floor in his room, I thought about how close I had been to ‘losing’ it with Cole, and realized he was safe in his crib, and this is what we needed to do to get through the night. 

After that night, it was still hit or miss with getting Cole to sleep, but around 18 months, it was like a switch just went off in him where he finally turned the corner.  Instead of a baby who never slept, and was constantly waking up, he was sleeping, and staying asleep.

Cole just turned two, and his sleep issues are gone. I nurse him for a few minutes before bed, and then place him in the crib, still awake.  He smiles at me, pulls me in for a hug, rolls over and goes to sleep on his own. It is a rare night now if he wakes up, not the rule.  I never thought we would get to this point. 

I thought long and hard about how to write this post, because having your baby cry-it-out, isn’t generally accepted as AP parenting.  However, I wanted to be honest, and relay a true experience.  I have realized for me that it is OK to admit that I am not a perfect mother, nor will I ever be.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t try, but sometimes I fall short of the ideals that I want to raise my children with.  When that happens, I have learned that it serves no useful purpose to beat myself up and tell myself I’m a bad mother. 

Being the parent of a high needs baby, tests you in ways you never dreamed of.  Most of the time you pass the tests successfully.  But, sometimes as any parent-high needs baby or not- can tell you, sometimes you don’t.   Sometimes in the moment you do the best you can, so you can get through the day or the night.  Then all you can do is continue on, learning from the experience. 

If everyone practiced all the AP ideals all the time perfectly, we wouldn’t have much to write or talk about, and be able to offer support to others.  “Failing” at an AP ideal, doesn’t make us “bad” or non-AP parents-it makes us human parents. 

When we don’t parent quite the way we want to at times, it is disheartening, but it also is a good learning experience, and it helps us grow.  These experiences help us grow into the kind of parents we want to be.

Categories
c-sections Current Events Mothering Pregnancy & Birth

Insurers Denying Coverage to Women Who’ve Had C-sections

If you have read my blog for a while, you know that I write frequently about c-sections.  It is my opinion that Cesarean sections are over performed in this country.  Previous posts I have written, discuss many of the complications that can arise from c-sections.  Despite the many risks and complications associated with c-sections, the c-section rate continues to rise.  Last year in the US, it was 31.1 percent of births.  That is a little more than one in three births.

The New York Times had an article on Sunday reporting that many insurance companies will no longer accept mothers who have had a previous c-section.  The thinking behind this is, once a woman has had one c-section chances are, she will have another one.  Because VBAC’s (vaginal birth after cesarean) are banned and prohibited in so many hospitals, the only choice basically left for women birthing another baby after a c-section, is another c-section.  Because so many c-sections are not medically necessary, the insurance companies don’t want to pay for them. 

Insurance companies are rejecting these mothers coverage, and some insurers even consider having a c-section, a pre-existing condition.  What makes this even scarier, is once someone has been denied coverage and rejected by one insurance company, they have to disclose that to subsequent insurance companies they apply to.  Once an insurance company sees the mother has been rejected, a red flag goes up, and makes it even harder to get coverage.  If they do get coverage their premiums are extremely pricey and expensive.  In Colorado it was estimated some premiums would be 140% more than standard rates. 

The article quoted Pamela Udy, from the nonprofit group, International Caesarean Awareness Network, (ICAN) whose mission is to prevent unnecessary Cesareans.  “Obstetricians are rendering large numbers of women uninsurable by overusing this surgery.”

There are a few “exceptions” some of the insurance companies are making, where they will cover a woman who has had a previous c-section, such as:  

  • If the woman has been sterilized after the cesarean section
  • If the woman is over the age of 40 AND at least two years had past since the c-section
  • If after five years, there has not been a complicated pregnancy AND another c-section

These hardly seem like fair options.  You can only get coverage after a c-section if you have been sterilized? 

This is definitely a fall out from c-sections being performed unnecessarily.  The article mentions that women are caught in the middle of this mess between insurance companies and doctors. Pamela Udy says,  “Women are caught in the middle of a dysfunctional system. Doctors are telling them they need surgery, even when they don’t, and insurance companies, who are tired of paying the bill for so many frivolous surgeries, are punishing women for the poor medical care of doctors.”

This situation should be alarming for every woman in their child bearing years.  Even if you have no intention what-so-ever of having a c-section, in the rare case that you did need a medically necessary one, you can be denied insurance coverage now, because the procedure has been over performed.

Doctors and hospitals must start allowing VBAC’s, and return to delivering breech babies, in order to lower the ever rising c-section rate.  If nothing else, c-sections should be reserved for true emergency situations.  Something has to change- now more than ever, our very health depends on it. 

Categories
Cole Household Mothering Ryan

Baby Clothes

I have been cleaning out closets the last few weeks, because I don’t need to keep all the baby clothes Cole no longer fits into.  I decided to consign almost all of them, and then what didn’t sell, donate to a local pregnancy center.

How hard can that be- bag up clothes and drop them off?  Evidently pretty hard if you are a sentimental, sappy mama, like me.  Every outfit, shirt, pair of pants, and shorts, brought back some kind of memory with both my boys.  I remembered the first time Ryan wore a shirt, and then remembered of course, the first time Cole wore it, on and on.  No wonder it has taken me weeks to go through everything. 

I suppose this goes deeper than an outfit- when I see the cute little baby clothes that my “babies” don’t fit into anymore, it reminds me of that time not so long ago, when they were babies.  I remember what they were like when they did fit in the clothes that I am packing up, to give away.

In all honesty, it feels like I am giving a part of their “babyhood” away.  Will I ever wish one day that I had that special outfit Ryan wore in his first picture?  Will I regret not keeping the cute overalls that Cole loved to wear?  I even thought about saving some clothes to give to the boys way down the road, when they have babies.

The thought of storing clothes for at least twenty plus years or more, snapped me back into reality.  I don’t want to become a pack rat, holding on to everything which reminds me of when the boys were babies, or toddlers, or pre-schoolers, etc.  The only reason I would be saving them, is because I would want to try to preserve a piece of those times.  I have other ways of doing that, without having to be a clothes hoarder for the next twenty years. 

As my boys get bigger though, there really aren’t that many clothes worth saving. Between all the mud, dirt, and grass stains on their shirts, and torn knees in their pants, I am happy to get rid of them. 

I do have just a few special outfits that I am saving.  My favorites are the little onesies the hospital gave them as newborns.  I look at those ever so often, and am just amazed how small they are, and that they were actually big on my babies as newborns. 

So  with the back of my car packed to the brim of all these baby clothes to donate, which are no longer needed, I feel good they have another life ahead of them.  Perhaps another mother will love the same outfits I did.  Maybe one day in the not so distance future, she will be faced with having to decide what to give away, and what to keep, and she too, will be remembering the first time her baby boy wore that special outfit.  If I could meet that mother who will receive my boys’ clothes, I would tell her to enjoy- enjoy every minute with her baby-it goes so fast. 

Getting rid of the clothes helped me realize, when the baby clothes no longer fit, and there is a beautiful child instead, in that baby’s place- you don’t need have to have bags of clothes to remember him as a baby-you just do.

 **************************************************************************

Update: 5/30/08- I dropped off the clothes along with some other baby equipment no longer needed, this morning.  I took them to a pregnancy center which helps usually younger women who are faced with an unplanned pregnancy.   I felt sad, thinking about all the clothes that I would never see again.  When the receptionist saw how many clothes and other items I had, she was amazed.  She told me they never get that many items donated, and it was a real blessing.  I took my stuff to their stock room, and they only had a few toys- no clothes whatsoever!  She just kept telling me thank you, and they would be put to such great use. 

That made it all worth while- I know I will remember my boys’ being babies, and I am so glad their clothes will have a useful second life.  🙂

Categories
Activities Cole Mothering Parenting Ryan School

Memories

Next year, Ryan will be starting kindergarten.  I wonder where in the world has the time gone?  I remember holding my brand new baby, and thinking he would be little forever.  Now this is almost our last summer before we have to think about starting school.

As a mother of two, day-to-day life is busy. There is always something going on.  Just when you think you have put out all the fires for the moment- BOOM- something literally goes boom (like a broken toy), or a new situation arises that needs your attention- either an argument breaks out, the laundry needs to be put away, a hungry child, there is a dirty diaper that needs to be changed, or your child just wants your attention to ask you why the sky is blue.

During the last four and a half years of Ryan’s life, I have focused on the day at hand, and haven’t really thought very much about the days, weeks, and months that lie ahead.  It seems as soon as you make plans a few days, or weeks ahead, then BOOM.  Something always comes up that inadvertently forces you to change your plans- a sick child, or a child that didn’t sleep well the night before, and is in no mood to be taken anywhere.

I suppose for sake of not being disappointed if my outings and activities, didn’t work out, I have just gotten in the habit of not really planning anything.  That is how our day-to-day life has been, especially throwing a new baby/toddler in the mix with Cole’s arrival two years ago.

It hit me the last few weeks, that time is running out.  All those weeks, months, and years that I thought were indefinite, are almost up.  I don’t have endless time with my boys, before they are off to school, and in a sense, off to start their lives somewhat separate from us.

It made me sad that I don’t have photo books full of pictures of all the fun and exciting places, I have been to with Ryan and Cole.  Will they wonder why they can’t remember going to the zoo, or the museum every week?  Will they wonder why their mother was too busy in day-to-day life, and why she couldn’t just let things “go” every now and then?

Part of my reasoning has also been that they were too little…they wouldn’t remember these things anyway.  But now they are getting older, and it is important that we remember having fun together.  I have decided this summer, we are going to have fun and start making memories.  

I didn’t sign Ryan up for preschool for the summer, and didn’t sign up for music classes for the boys, to keep our days open.  Ryan will have swimming lessons only one day a week.  I still have to work a few days during the week, but on the other days, we are going to do fun things.  We aren’t going to go to the zoo or children’s museum every week, but I plan on making sure they at least know what a zoo and museum are.  If my house isn’t as clean as I would like, or the laundry doesn’t get done, then so-be-it.  We have at least a week of clean clothes hanging in our closets.  🙂

Every mother has regrets at some point, and I know down the road I would look back and regret the way I have spent some of this precious time that I have with my boys.  I don’t get any do-over’s and once it is gone, that is it.  I don’t want to look back in 18 years, when Ryan and Cole have moved out, and have started their own lives, and realize I was too busy folding laundry, and vacuuming to have really enjoyed these early years with them. 

I know I will miss them when they are gone.  I seriously doubt I will wish that I had spent more time doing housework, or wished that I had been able to complete more work from home.  I will be looking back at pictures of them- the places we went, the places we saw, and our time together.  I will be remembering.  I don’t want us to remember the one time we went to the zoo, or the one time we threw the schedule out the window and went and played all day. 

When that day comes, when all I have is the memories and photos of my boys as they are now, I won’t be looking for pictures of my clean house, or an empty dishwasher.  I won’t be remembering all the trips to the grocery store I made before lunch time.  I won’t be looking for work projects I completed.  I will be looking for their smiles- their joy- their happiness-their innocence. I will be looking for their childhood.

As a mother, the days are long but the years are short.  While I still have time, before too many years are gone, I’m going to start working this summer on creating memories with my young sons worth remembering.  

Categories
c-sections Cole Mothering Parenting Pregnancy & Birth

Two Years Old

Cole is two years old today!  I have been thinking a lot about this week about my labor, delivery, and his birth.  He was technically born on the third Monday of May, and on Monday I was remembering the time line of his birth.

Having had a c-section with Ryan, I was attempting a VBAC (vaginal birth after caesarian with Cole.)  I have been through a c-section birth before, but with Cole, it was obvious my first time being in labor.  I remember after 42 hours of labor, and a successful VBAC, I finally was holding my brand new baby boy, and I couldn’t believe how small and tiny he was.  I had forgotten what a newborn looked and felt like.  The tiny toes, the tiny fingers, the microscopic finger and toenails, the way his body just nestled into mine and Joe’s- like that space existed just for him.  I relished those first few days and weeks- knowing in a blink of an eye, my newborn would be gone forever, and in its place, I’d have a baby, toddler, and then a little boy.

Two years later, a little boy has replaced my sweet newborn.  His toes and fingers are no longer tiny.  He doesn’t fit ‘just so’ in my arms, and in a sense I have forgotten again the details of a newborn.  However, two years ago, I could not even begin to imagine how much I am in love with the little boy Cole is.

While he is no longer a baby, he is such a special little boy.  His smile lights up a room.  He loves trying to make us laugh, and he succeeds every day.  From playing peek-a-boo with the kitchen towel, to trying on all of our clothes and shoes, and parading around the house, with the biggest smile on his face. 

Cole thrives on touch, hugs, and kisses.  I will never be lacking a child to hug, kiss or cuddle with.  As he turns two, Cole is learning to talk quite well, with his favorite words being, “mama,” “dada,” “me,” “eat,” and of course, “Ryan.”

Cole loves his big brother to pieces, and has to do everything just like him.  The other day, Ryan’s foot was hurting, and after I was done inspecting it, Cole came running up to me, lifting his foot up too, “whining.” 

While he tries to be just like Ryan, he is also very much his own person.  I love seeing how his personality is changing and growing.  I like to see him develop his different skills, outside of Ryan.  One thing I have noticed is how mechanical he seems to be, and can already put anything back together that he takes apart.  He also loves babies.  Everywhere we go, when he sees a baby, he yells “Baby!” and starts waving hello. 

Two years ago, I had a newborn placed on my chest, and while I knew his name, weight, and eye color, for all practical purposes, he was a blank canvas- I knew absolutely nothing about him.  Today, on his second birthday, my little boy’s portrait is being filled in with the most brilliant and vibrant colors.  Every day I discover a new color that is added to his portrait.  While I know the canvas is always a work in progress, I am so privileged and blessed to be Cole’s mother, and to see his essence being painted.

Happy Birthday, my darling Cole.  I love you so very, very much.