Category: Family & Friends

Categories
Cancer Family & Friends Work

Thank You for Giving Me Hope

I wrote in my previous post, that my insurance company denied my doctor’s order of a PET CT scan to determine if the cancer had spread to any other areas in my body. I woke up on Friday morning, feeling a little better,  but still- I wanted to know for sure, and I was going to have to learn to live with that shadow of a doubt- always wondering.

My boss, D., asked me to call her after the scan, and let her know how it went.  I called my office on Friday morning.  D., wasn’t available, so I filled a co-worker in on the situation and asked her to fill D. in when she could.  My co-worker was outraged the insurance wouldn’t pay, and it helped to hear someone else was mad and thought the insurance company was ridiculous for denying this. 

I was trying to pack up our stuff for a weekend in Denver at my dad’s house when my phone rang.  It was D.  She asked me what was going on.  I explained to her what the insurance company had told the imaging company and the reasons the insurance gave for denying the order- basically because I wasn’t sick enough yet. 

D. told me that was absolutely absurd, and she was mad for me too.  She asked me how much the scan cost, and was the reason I canceled the scan because of the cost.  I told her yes- we just didn’t have that much money to spare right now.  I was shocked at what D. said next- she said she would like to pay for the scan for me, so I didn’t have to worry and wonder if the cancer was spreading.  She told me I was the mother of two young boys, and I needed to know so I could move on with my life.  She told me we would figure it out someday, and to not worry about it at all- she had it covered.

I couldn’t say anything at first.  I was crying and finally managed to tell her “thank you.”  D. told me she could not imagine not knowing if it were her, and she wanted to do this for me.  She told me to get off the phone and call back the imaging company so I could get an appointment as soon as possible. 

I called them back and I now have an appointment for the scan on Tuesday at 10:30.  They will have the results back to my surgeon in time for my pre-opt. appointment with him on Wednesday.   I called D. back to let her know.  I thanked her countless times.  She told me she was happy to help, and suggested what my friend did- to question the insurance company, and try to get them to pay for it.  But she said if they didn’t, and when I get a bill for it, to let her know.

I told D. I would, and all I could say to her was “thank you.” She told me she hoped this would make this time a little happier, and I have a lot to look forward to in the future.  As we hung up, I was overcome with her generosity and help.  I am still a little shocked thinking about this.  It is such an unexpected bright spot in the weeks of gloom I have had recently. I will know one way or another, what the true condition of my cancer is.  If it bad news I need to find out sooner than later.  Early detection is the key in surviving.   If it is good news, it will be the first step in being able to move on as a cancer survivor after my surgery- without always having that seed of doubt and wonder in the back of my mind.

I am so grateful and appreciative for this unexpected gift. It is no secret that I haven’t been feeling positive lately, despite my best efforts.  D.’s isn’t just helping me get a scan, but her words to me, made me realize what had been really bothering me- the uncertainty of all of this.  I can handle a “brutal” surgery.  I am going to have good days and bad days recovering.  As long as I know the cancer has not spread, and I am going to be fine- I can get through it. 

Not knowing is worse.  It magnifies the odds, no matter how small they are. I lay awake at night wondering if I am going to be around in a year, in five years, in ten years, and my biggest fear has been- what if the cancer has spread, and is slowing killing me, and I don’t even know it?

I will never be able to repay D., even if I repay the money someday.  Being able to get this scan right now, when I need to know- have to know- will give me peace of mind, and the answers I need.  It is the first step to my future- no matter what the results are- I can stop wondering and being scared, and start living my life again.  Not just hoping for the best, but knowing what the best actually is.  

So many people have been so supportive and I honestly can’t thank you all enough- from my family and friends- rearranging their lives to help me right now, to the offers of help- from doing handy work at the house, to cooking meals, to the supportive e-mails, to watching the boys, to paying for the scan, to the thoughtful cards and small gifts that are sent, to listening to me and helping me whenever I need to talk.  

All of these kind acts have given me hope. D.’s offer of help was the icing on the cake-but the cake has been there all along.  I can’t express what it all means to me, so the only thing I can say is thank you. Thank you for giving me hope.  Thank you to everyone-from the bottom of my heart.

Categories
Cancer Family & Friends Health Me

My Cancer Has Spread

On Wednesday I had an ultrasound my surgeon had requested before the surgery to remove my thyroid for cancer.  I didn’t know ahead of time why he wanted this ultrasound, but found out it was to determine if the cancer in my thyroid had spread into my lymph nodes.

I was really upset leaving the ultrasound, and scared.  I didn’t want to have to think about another issue with my thyroid cancer.  I was told I would have the results in a few days.

Yesterday my surgeon, Dr. S., called me and told me the ultrasound showed the cancer had moved to my lymph nodes.  He said I have two lymph nodes that are measuring over 3 cm., and anytime they measure over 1.5 cm., it is a major cause of concern.

Dr. S. told me those nodes will have to be removed during my surgery and they will have to examine my other lymph nodes in surgery to determine if any other ones need to be removed as well.  He told me the surgery is complex and will be a minimum of 9 hours now.  Previously, the surgery time was about 2 hours-just to remove the thyroid.  Dr. S. said I will now be in the hospital for 4-5 days, and have a longer recovery time.

I was completely in shock as I was listening to Dr. S. tell me all of this.  My heart was racing and I was having trouble breathing. He recommended I make an appointment and he would fill me in on all the details and the process.  Dr. S. told me I still had the papillary cancer, and it was still in the very early stages.  He said he was glad I had gotten the ultrasound, because now he had the complete picture of what my health situation is, and he knows before hand, the direction the surgery needs to go in.

I hung up, and sat shocked and numb- staring at my wall. I stared to cry and utter a lot of four letter words under my breath.  Ryan and Cole were home, and I didn’t want to have them overhear me calling anyone to tell them. I was too upset anyway to talk.

Since then, I have let my family, friends, and Facebook friends know and the support has been overwhelming.  My sister and friends have told me this is bad news, but I am not going to die.  When it is all said and done, it is a complication, but I am going to be fine.

A day later, I am still in shock somewhat- just trying to absorb the situation.  I am going to make that appointment with Dr. S., to get the rest of the facts and ask questions.  I don’t believe I will need to have chemotherapy, but will more than likely have to undergo radioactive iodine therapy.

My family is already making plans to get me the help I need after the surgery, and I know I can count on my friends to help too.  I am very grateful for all the support and love I have.

So where do I go from here? I am not sure.  I am trying to keep a positive attitude and trying not to freak out.  I am trying to remember to take deep breaths and keep everything in perspective.

If anyone has been through this, the removal of lymph nodes, please let me know what your experience was.  It helps me to hear what others have gone through.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.  I need all the positive energy that can come my way.  🙂

Categories
Cole Family & Friends Me Mothering Parenting Ryan

A New Direction for A Mama’s Blog

1141250_67118691

For most bloggers, deciding how much to share of your life is a question that is always in the back of our minds. For me personally, I don’t mind sharing details about me, but I have been thinking a lot lately about sharing details about my boys- Ryan and Cole. 

When I started A Mama’s Blog, I wanted a place I could record events that happened with my children, so I would always remember them.  As my children grow older, I realize that my blog can’t really serve that purpose anymore.

As Ryan and Cole grow, I have decided that I don’t want to write about those details anymore.  While these details might be interesting and helpful to others, I also feel very strongly, since Ryan and Cole are not babies anymore, somehow their experiences are not mine to share.   

I started my blog for love I have for my boys, and I never want to violate that.  As my children grow, their experiences are personal.  They may or may not care one day that I wrote about a certain event that I found cute, or funny, or that I thought was worth sharing.  However, they might.  They may be embarrassed, or fail to understand why I had to share on my blog their experiences- whether that would be something that happened on the first day of kindergarten, or a sweet moment we had. 

Right now Ryan and Cole are at an age, where they don’t understand blogging.  Maybe one day, when they understand it, they can give me permission to share excerpts from their life, and I will feel fine on sharing those with my readers.  Their trust is the most important thing, and I never want them to look back and realize things they may have told me in their minds as a confidence, I turned around and blogged about.

I plan to still share updates, milestones, and stories in general about my boys, but in a way that respects their privacy. 

This will change the focus of A Mama’s Blog.  I have always been passionate about information on C-sections and maternal health. I plan to keep writing on those subjects.   I also hope to start writing about women’s issues more.

I have not formally announced it, but I think the timing is right to let my readers know that my husband (Joe) and I are in the process of getting divorced.  This has been in progress for several months now.  The divorce should be final by the end of the summer.

I won’t be able to share personal details of the divorce or specifics, but I will share my perspective, feelings, and experience with it in time. 

I am excited the new direction A Mama’s Blog will be taking and I value each and every one of my readers.  I know many of you have been with me from the beginning, and have read my blog faithfully for almost two-and-a-half years now.  I will do my best to keep you as a reader, and thank you all for your loyalty and support.

Categories
Family & Friends Holidays Mothering Parenting

Everything I Ever Needed to Know, I Learned from my Mom

I grew up in a very strict religion.  One of the beliefs were, we didn’t celebrate holidays.  It always made me sad I couldn’t make a card for my mom on Mother’s Day. I made her cards on other days, but on Mother’s Day, it still felt like I should be giving my mom a card.

Fast forward to today- twenty five years later, and we are not in that religion anymore.  And as life would have it, I am not a card person.  I hate trying to find that ‘perfect’ card.  I either find nothing I like, or I find too many and then I can’t make up my mind.  I usually end up sending e-cards, because at least I can do that on the computer, when I don’t have two active little boys underfoot, trying to take all the cards out of the rack, while I search for that ‘one.’ 

That does not mean that I don’t appreciate what my mom has done for me, over the course of my 30+ years.  My mom will not have a ‘perfect’ card in a ‘perfect’ pink envelope this year, but I know she reads my blog.  So Mom- like it or not, whether you knew it or not, I did manage to learn a lot from you. I hope you enjoy this list Mom, it is for you.

  • If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all
  • Life isn’t fair
  • Home cooked meals can solve most any problems- at least while you are eating
  • If you keep trying something long enough, you will eventually learn to like it (for me it was the spaghetti you always made me eat)
  • Crying over someone else’s problems is a sure way to stop crying about yours
  • It is okay to order food the way you want it in a restaurant
  • Kids don’t need a lot of sugar
  • Take your vitamins every day
  • If you are bored, there is always something that can be cleaned
  • If you are bored, there is always a book you can read
  • Later on in life, what will help you remember your childhood, is the pictures (thanks for always keeping such great ones for us!)
  • When you believe in yourself, there are no limits to what you can accomplish
  • There are some people in your life who will always be there for you
  • Some things are worth spending money on
  • Life doesn’t always turn out as you hoped, but you never give up
  • Friends can help you get through anything
  • If you can’t go on another day, then don’t- just get through the next hour, and then the next hour after that
  • No matter how hard and bad life may be, there is always something or someone worth hanging on for
  • No one is perfect
  • If you aren’t true to yourself, you will never have real happiness
  • Disneyland really is the happiest place on earth
  • You can find every solution to life in a movie- or at least watch other people going through the same thing you are
  • Seeking help for your problems may be painful, but not seeking help is more painful to you, and everyone else who loves you
  • No matter how old I get, when I am sick, I just want my mommy
  • If you aren’t happy, do something today to change it. 
  • Your children will know if you are truly happy, or faking it
  • Sleep is good
  • Naps are even better
  • You will never love anyone like you love your children
  • You won’t understand this until you have children
  • You will know how much your own mother loves you, when you have your own children

It took me thirty one years to learn these last three.  Now they hold for me, the key to the present and the future.  

Thank you for all the life lessons, Mom, and Happy Mother’s Day.  I love you.

Categories
Cancer Family & Friends Health Me

Thyroid Biopsy

Last week I found out that I have to have a biopsy on a nodule in my thyroid.  This is a precaution to rule out cancer or any other atypical growth.  I was hoping I would be able to get in to the ENT doctor this week and have it done.  Unfortunately, they told me initially they didn’t have any openings for 4-6 weeks.  I was about to freak out when the receptionist told me they would get me in much sooner for something like this.  I wasn’t sure how to take that remark, so I am just assuming when you need a biopsy- you need a biopsy.

They were able to fit me in next Friday, April 10th.  I was really nervous, but I have been doing some reading, and have received some great information from my friends. My friend, Sherry, who is a nurse, told me the thyroid only needs 10% of it, to function.  I keep being told thyroid cancer is the most treatable cancer, and am hearing stories from so many people who have had it, and they are fine.  Sherry also told me the biopsy doesn’t hurt (I don’t like needles), so that is nice to know as well.

I forgot to ask how long it takes to get the results  after the biopsy, but I can’t imagine it being more than a few days.  Overall, I am a lot calmer and not so scared.  Thank you to all my wonderful friends, family, acquaintances, and readers of my blog, who have taken a moment out of their busy days to send me an e-mail of encouragement or to just wish me well. I never knew how many friends I really have, and it has been overwhelming. I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.

I wanted to share one special gesture to me from my sister, Mara.  She is a busy mom to a two-year old, and works as a second grade teacher.   As parents, we know our kids get sick.  Mara never takes sick days anymore when she is sick; she saves them for when her daughter is sick, so she can stay at home with her that day.  Sick days are a precious commodity as a parent.  When I told Mara last week I had to have the biopsy, she told me she would be there-just let her know when.

I objected- she had to work.  Mara said she’d take a sick day.  I told her no, she needed those days for when her daughter was sick.  She told me no- it was fine.  I decided to stop arguing and let her be there for me.  

The truth is I went to the ultrasound by myself and it was hard. I cried for 15 minutes afterwards in the car because I was scared.  I texted a  friend who called me right away, but I was still crying, and I kept thinking I should have had someone go with me.

My sister doesn’t care she is losing one of her sick days that she could save and spend with her daughter-she is going to be there- because I need her.  That gives me strength and comfort- bring on the biopsy!  🙂