Tag: Cancer

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Cancer Cole Family & Friends Health Ryan

Surgery to Prevent Cancer

I had a laser surgery yesterday to remove the precancerous cell growth I had.  I’m very happy to be able to type this today- the surgery went great.  It was much better than I had been expecting.  The nurses, and doctors were so organized and on top of it all.  I am feeling groggy and dizzy from the anesthesia, but the pain is not nearly as bad as I had thought it might be.

The hardest moment for me was when I was in the pre-op bed, with the IV in waiting for the surgery to start. In the hospital bed like that, I felt sick.  I missed Ryan and Cole so much.  A lot of memories of surgery and cancer came back to me.  I knew this wasn’t cancer, but those “what-ifs” seem to have a way of creeping in.  I was going to be unconscious during the surgery, and that made me nervous.  I also saw my chart binder with my last name, and it reminded me of seeing that binder when I was in the hospital with my mom before she passed away.  I missed her a lot yesterday.

But my family and friends had called and texted me before the surgery, and I knew they were thinking of me.  I was able to mentally make the shift that I was not sick, this was a preventative surgery, and it would be better I was asleep during the surgery.

A day after, I hope this was the last surgery I will ever have to have.  As I wrote in my last post, I have made a few changes in my life, to work on keeping my stress down.  It takes a conscious effort, but I definitely do not want to get any more cancers, or abnormal cells that could develop into cancer.

I have received a lot of email from thyroid cancer patients and survivors.  It seems like we all have our struggles.  One person I know is still having dosage problems for Synthroid two years after the fact.  Another person  still doesn’t feel back to normal after two years as well, and is nervous about developing more cancers.

Yesterday all the nurses and doctors who looked at my chart told me I was a very healthy person.  I was a little surprised to hear them all say that.  When I asked them even though I had thyroid cancer, they said yes- from a medical perspective, thyroid cancer is treatable and curable, and they look at the overall health picture.

I wanted to write and share this, because it is too easy once you’ve had cancer, to stop viewing yourself as healthy. I like what the medical staff had said, it’s an overall health picture. One cancer, or two- a few surgeries, doesn’t make you an unhealthy person.  I am going to make that mind shift and keep all of it perspective.

Thank you to John, who took excellent care of me after the surgery last night,  my friends and family for your well wishes, and for checking in with me today.  I’m also very grateful to Ryan and Cole’s father’s family who are helping out with their care this week, so I can recover.

As I’ve written so many times, cancer does change you, and there are good parts to it and not so good parts to it.  But, the main thing is to keep on top of it, and trust your body.  It will be a fight for probably the rest of our lives, but as all cancer patients and survivors know- it is well worth it.

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Cancer Health Me

Facing My Health Fears

As the last week of 2009 starts, I am struggling with a few health matters I keep putting off.

I “fired” my endocrinologist in November.  I was supposed to have a follow-up apppointment 4 weeks after I started on Synthroid to make sure my dosage was correct, which means I should have been seen in September.  However, they couldn’t fit me in until November.  Fortunately, I had a follow-up appointment with my surgeon in October, and he was able to order the test and confirm my dosage was correct. 

After the errors that the endocrinologist’s office made after my surgery in the summer, I lost a lot of confidence in them.  They did get my initial dosage correct though- the first time, which is almost unheard of.  I was told it could take almost a year for my dosage of Synthroid to be fined tuned.  Several thyroid cancer survivors I know have had their dosages adjusted no less than 6 times, and one person has told me her dosage has been adjusted 12 times in less than a year.

When I knew my dosage was correct in October, I called my endocrinologist’s office and canceled my appointment for November and told them I was going to find a different doctor closer to my home.  I told them I was disappointed with the errors they made, but thankful they were able to determine my correct dosage so accurately. 

So here I am- almost two months later and I haven’t started a search, or let alone been in to see a new endocrinologist.  My surgeon recommended two at the health clinic in town, who he said were trained at the facility of my former endocrinologist.  It would be very easy for me to call and get an appointment, and yet I find myself hesitating. 

Last week I received a reminder postcard from my doctor’s office for my annual exam.  I am due to see her in January.  This was the appointment where she first felt an abnormality in my thyroid last year.  I have put off scheduling that appointment too, because I’m nervous.  I know in reality, the chances of any other major health issue being discovered, is very slim, and I know early detection is the key to everything.  But again, I am hesitating.

I feel like I have just put all the cancer and health issues behind me, and these appointments are reminders that I have to start thinking about it again.  It also is like a  bright flashing light into a dark room, reminding me there are no guarantees, and anything can happen.  I might think I am in good health, and everything is fine, only to discover I have an illness that is out of my control.  The thought has entered my mind more than once- what if they find I have another type of cancer?

I have never been nervous or afraid doctor appointments- I used to like going, to hear everything was fine.  I am not sure  I will ever have that feeling again.  I’m not sure if I will always hear everything is fine anymore.  Not scheduling these appointments means I don’t  have to deal with these feelings right now.   

But yet, by not dealing with these feelings, and not making the appointments, the uncertainty stays with me, and my fears grow- not occupying my thoughts, but just below the surface.  It settles in my mind when I am falling asleep, or it is the first thing I think of when I wake up- am I really okay, or has it been a mistake?

The only way to find out for sure, and to get rid of this doubt is to just make and go the appointments.  I promised myself I would make the appointments before the end of the year, so I now have four days left.  Despite my fears, I know this is a promise I have to keep.     

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Activities Cancer Cole Family & Friends Health Ryan

Attitude & Medication

On Saturday, I took Ryan and Cole to the North Pole (a Christmas themed amusement park for kids), which is about 100 miles from my home.  We spent the night at my dad’s house in Denver, and then drove the rest of the way outside Colorado Springs on Saturday.  My sister, her daughter, my sister-in-law, and my dad came too.  The weather was perfect, and the kids had the best time.  Watching the kids having so much fun made the day for the adults.

The only negative aspect of the trip for me, was while I was unpacking at my dad’s house on Friday night, I discovered I had forgotten to bring my Synthroid (thyroid replacement medication) with me.  The medication has to be taken every day in the morning, and we were staying until Sunday, so that meant two days without it. 

I was wondering how I was going to feel by Sunday night.  I wondered if I had enough built up in my system that I would hardly notice it, or if I would immediately start feeling tired, and out of energy. 

On Saturday evening, after walking around the North Pole all day, I felt pretty much the same. I felt a little more tired than usual, but nothing I couldn’t handle.  While my dad and the boys were enjoying a marshmallow roast in the backyard, I decided to go for a run; unsure if I would have enough energy for my usual Sunday run.  I only planned to run until I got tired, but I was able to do 3.2 miles. 

I had some plans with a friend for later on Saturday night, but I canceled- I decided it was more important to get a really good night’s rest.  I woke up on Sunday, and I could tell right away I had missed the dose of Synthroid the previous day.  I felt tired, and sluggish.  I ate some protein for breakfast, hoping that would give me a boost, and my dad had a vitamin drink he gave me.

It was another beautiful Indian Summer day on Sunday, and the boys and I walked to a neighborhood park and played. After running around with the boys, walking, carrying Cole for part of the way home, and making lunch for them, I was out of energy.  They boys played in the back yard, while I sat on the patio and watched them, and I felt like I was having a flashback to the summer.  They played, and I sat and watched because that was all I could do.

It has been almost three months I have been on Synthroid, and I have never missed a dose. I also have felt wonderful since the day I started taking it.  I absolutely hated sitting in that chair, feeling fatigued again, and knowing  if I don’t take that tiny pill every day- the result is I end up out of energy- no matter what I do.    

I let myself feel sad for a few minutes.  Then I came to the final terms with not having a thyroid anymore and being on medication.  It isn’t my first choice.  I hate feeling like I am dependant on a medication in order to feel well.  However, I am sure it will not be the only time in my life I will forget a dose.    

As I watched my boys play, I knew it all comes down to my attitude and it always will.  Other than canceling my plans on Saturday night, I did everything I had planned to do for the weekend- Synthroid or no Synthroid.  I could have gotten a cold, or the flu, and felt even worse.

Living life to the fullest, after an illness takes some adjustments, but they are worth making, worth getting through.  If not you give up.  There isn’t anything that I can’t do for myself, or for my boys that I couldn’t do before my illness.  If taking medication allows me to this, it is a small price to pay, and one I am happy to pay- over and over again. 

Here are some pictures from the weekend:

Cole, Maelin, & Ryan Flying010

The Motorcycle Gang

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Row of Fall Maple Trees in Denver

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Activities Cancer Family & Friends Health Me Mothering

Cancer’s Unexpected Blessings

“…experience will convince us that those things which at the time they happened we regarded as our greatest misfortunes have provided our greatest blessings.” ~ George Mason

Finding out you have cancer, or a health ailment is shocking.  It is like having a tornado rip your life apart.  It seems as if the foundation that your life is built on- your health- has been demolished.  It is one of the biggest trials a person can face.  In the initial stages, there are far more questions than answers.  You go into “survival mode,” doing what you need to do to get to the next day. 

While I was in this stage, I thought about almost everything- from surviving to dying.  One thought that did not cross my mind was the blessings that I would discover existed in my life. 

I have written in previous posts the overwhelming support I received from family and friends starting the day I found out I had cancer.  That has, and continues to be a source of strength and encouragement for me. 

Over the Fourth of July weekend, I received an e-mail from someone I didn’t know, and had never met, but who had been directed to my blog.  Her name was Jessica, and she told me we had a lot in common.  My first thought was it was a marketer trying to pitch something.  As I kept reading, Jessica told me she too, had thyroid cancer and she had surgery to remove her thyroid on the exact same day I did.  She shared her experience with her cancer and surgery with me.  She told me she lived in a town about 60 miles from me. Jessica has a three-year old daughter, who is about six months older than Cole. 

After I read Jessica’s e-mail, I remember sitting down, and feeling something switch in me.  I felt really happy.  Not because Jessica had cancer, but because there was someone else that felt the same way I did about cancer, and was going through almost the exact same thing I was.  Jessica had a great support system, as did I, but now we had each had someone else who was experiencing the same thing.  We didn’t have to explain anything to each other- we just knew.   

 We e-mailed each other during the next month to stay in touch.  When I was extremely hypothyroid, Jessica confirmed what had happened to me was not right, and she had been receiving Synthroid (the thyroid replacement hormone) since three days after her surgery. 

We discovered we were both scheduled for our radioactive iodine treatments (RAI) within days of each other.  Jessica started hers on a Friday, and I started mine the following Tuesday.  We both hated being quarantined and being away from our children for so long.  We told each other when we were both finally recovered and better we were going to meet and celebrate.

Jessica had some awful side effects from the RAI that lasted for a while.  One of which was her taste was completely gone for a month.  We both had our full body scans (to determine if the cancer had been contained) within days of each other in August.  We both received the news in the same week that we were cancer free!  

We will continue to have our six month check-ups at the same time, forever. We both did what we had to do to get healthy, but having Jessica’s support and friendship during this time was a blessing I never anticipated.  How many people are able to have a friend like this, at the exact time when they are needed?   Jessica is my cancer fighting partner in crime!  We were finally able to meet each other in person on Saturday.  

  hj1

Jessica and I

Cancer has taught me there are always unexpected blessings in life, no matter how bad, or shocking, or dire the situation is.  I thought cancer had shattered my health, my foundation.  Cancer and diseases can destroy health, and take away almost everything.  But they will never destroy fortitude, and the love that family and friends provide, and this is the real foundation in my life.

Blessings can be found in the most unexpected places, from the least expected sources.  They are there waiting to be found, sometimes hidden beneath the seemingly broken pieces.  It all depends on where you look.

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Cancer Family & Friends Health

Thyroid Cancer- Tired

rainbow

I have been on synthroid and cytomel for just over a week, and I am feeling so much better!  I feel like I am in my thirties again- not my nineties.  I know I am not back to my “old self,” yet, but I wonder if there is such a thing.

I don’t think mentally, I will ever be back to my “old self.”  What I mean by that is, I don’t think I can ever go back to that time before I had cancer- that time was an innocence.  I didn’t have to think about being sick.  I didn’t have to worry about how my boys were handling my cancer.  I didn’t have to think about taking medication the moment I woke up every morning.  I didn’t have to worry about doctors, lost time at work, on-going medical and health care, medical bills, insurance denials for some of the care I need, and the one worry that will always be in the back of my mind- what if the cancer comes back?

I had my full body scan today.  They look to see if there is any remaining thyroid tissue in your body- to see how effective the radioactive iodine treatment (RAI) was.  If there is no remaining thyroid tissue, then I will be essentially “cancer free.”  If there is remaining thyroid tissue, I believe I will be given another dose of RAI. 

Right before my surgery, I had a PET scan to see if the cancer had spread to any other areas in my body.  Fortunately, it had not.  But I don’t like being scanned. The machines make me claustrophobic.  The machine today, looked more spacious than the PET scan machine, but after they started the machine lifted me up, and there was a screen just millimeters away from my face.  I started feeling very panicked, and almost called the technician over to stop.  But I closed my eyes, and just tried to imagine myself somewhere else.

It worked, and I calmed down after a few minutes.  Then, after about fifteen minutes, the screen moved away from my face.  As I was lying there with my eyes closed, it just hit me how tired I am of all of this.  Before being diagnosed with thyroid cancer, I was so healthy!  I would catch a few colds every year, but that was it.  It kind of just hit me, that this was my future.  Ultrasounds, scans, and blood work.  

I am very grateful and happy most days that the cancer I have is so treatable, and basically curable.  When I was first diagnosed with thyroid cancer, every medical person told me if I had to have cancer, this was the kind to have.  I thought it was no big deal- I’d have the surgery and move on.

Cancer is cancer, and no matter which kind you have, it is still a major intrusion and interruption into your life, and the lives of your family.  There are side affects, mentally, physically, and emotionally for not just the patient, but for everyone in their circle.   There is no such thing as a “good cancer” or a “better cancer” to have. 

Two months ago, I wouldn’t have written this blog post.  I would have been trying to stay “happy” and “positive.”  While I still feel I have a very positive attitude overall, some days are hard, exhausting, scary, lonely, and isolating.  For me, it is important acknowledge this and to mourn the loss of the care-free health that I had previously. I believe it is okay to feel this way at times, and more importantly it is healthy to allow yourself these feelings. 

Every day is getting better, and I hope to have the results of the scan early next week.  If I am declared “cancer free”, then that is it for now- other than having my synthroid medication adjusted.  I will have to go in every six months for an ultrasound and blood work to watch for any signs of reoccurrence.  I am starting to picture my life in six month blocks.  Six months where I don’t have to take it one day at a time. Six months means I can make plans and start living life again. 

Six months- I know that is a gift, and a gift I will gladly take.  There is a saying, you don’t get a rainbow without rain, and I find that very true for cancer patients and survivors.  For every rainbow you receive, you’ve endured a lot of rain.  I am tired of the rain, and am looking forward to the rainbows.