Ryan, my oldest son, turned five in January. It also marked the fifth anniversary of my only major surgery- a Cesarean or C-section.
I have written and shared my experience with my C-section in a few posts. The post, The Reality of C-Sections, is by far, the most read post on my blog. It averages 700 page views a month. Its follow up post, Recovering After a C-Section, is the third highest read post on A Mama’s Blog.
In the fifteen months since I wrote The Realty of C-Sections, the comments have varied a lot- from readers supporting my views, and expressing similar experiences, to readers who have nothing but the most positive and wonderful C-section experiences. There were many readers who felt I was portraying all C-sections in a negative light, and I was scaring women. I added a prelude to the post in September, to address this issue.
The comments have shown me that no two women’s birth experiences are the same. It has also taught me that no matter what side of this issue you fall on, the feelings involved are real, and authentic. Finally, by the amount of page views these posts receive, there is a lot of interest in the subject.
Five years later, I still feel that my C-section should not have happened. Ryan was breech, and that was the only reason for my C-section. Years ago, breech babies were delivered vaginally. Breech deliveries were no big deal, and doctors performed breech deliveries all the time. It seems unconscionable in the 2000’s, doctors are no longer being taught breech deliveries in medical school, and the only option offered when a baby is breech, is major abdominal surgery. I feel like the medical community failed me in this regard. An OB/GYN ought to be able to perform a vaginal breech baby delivery, if there are no other reasons warranting a C-section, besides the baby being in a breech position.
I am still resentful that the medical community approaches breech baby births as a “problem” which the only solution for is major surgery. This is a huge psychological aspect that has taken me a long time to resolve. No one has major surgery unless there is a major problem. Having a baby in a breech position, usually does not present a major medical issue in itself. Having been there, I heard a C-section is the only safe way to deliver my breech baby, and it subconsciously affected me. It frightened me. I thought if my baby was born breech, it was not safe. It also made me feel like there was something wrong with me and my body because my baby would not turn. The only way to “fix” this was to have major surgery.
My doctor told me after Ryan was born that his umbilical cord was short, and it was wrapped around his wrist several times, more than likely preventing him to turn. She told me there was a reason he didn’t turn. That amazed me. Thinking about that over the months, I came to realize that my body and Ryan’s body were working exactly as they should be. There was no “problem.” His cord was too short and if he had kept trying to turn, he could have gotten the cord even more twisted around him. I can’t be sure, but I believe there is something in a baby that if it can’t make that turn it knows it is not safe to do so. By Ryan not turning and remaining in a breech position, it probably prevented more complex problems. I don’t understand why doctors can say something like this after a birth, but before the birth it is presented as a problem and a high risk delivery.
I am mad at myself that I accepted a C-section was the solution to this “problem.” I wish I would have done more research and had more confidence in my body. But in the state I live in, Colorado, even midwives cannot attend a birth that they know is breech- it is against the law. It still makes me sad that we have come to this point, where more or less, a woman’s only choice for delivering a known breech baby is a C-section. I am still upset for the time I lost to the recovery. I felt so bad for so long, and had so much pain. Even five years later, if I move in a different way, I feel pain in my abdomen.
However, I don’t think about the C-section as much as I used to. All numbness in the scar area has faded. I was really worried I was going to be numb at the incision point forever. All the redness at the incision site is gone too. Today, it is a very small, thin, white line. I barely notice it anymore.
But the biggest affect on me from my C-section, to be perfectly honest, was I felt cheated out of the birth experience. I know not every woman feels this, but I did. I wanted to experience childbirth by being in labor, and I feel it was taken away from me. The experience of childbirth- with my first baby- I will never get that again. I lost that, not because of a true medical emergency, but because of the way the birthing business is run today. I was left to process it, and to make peace with the experience I did have.
One of the biggest events that helped me in this regard was attempting a VBAC (vaginal birth after Cesarean) with my second son, Cole, in 2006. I was in labor for over 40 hours. I hadn’t slept during this time. I had a few complications arise. I was “stuck” at 4 cm. for several hours, and Cole was faced the wrong way for birth. I was told if I wasn’t dilated to 10 cm. in the next hour, and if Cole hadn’t flipped back around. I would be facing a C-section. When I heard that, something that was more powerful than a surgeon’s knife kicked in, and I told myself I could do it. My husband and doula encouraged me too. I knew at this point I had to be strong and confident, and this time it was up to me how my baby was going to be born.
After the hour was up- I knew. I knew before the nurse checked me that I would be at 10 cm. and Cole’s head would be in the right position for birth, and it was. They told me it was remarkable after being “stuck” for so long, that I was now fully dilated.
I pushed with Cole for two hours. It was the hardest thing, physically, I have ever done. My contractions lasted two to three minutes, and they told me they normally last about 30 seconds. When I thought I couldn’t push anymore, I would feel another contraction, and I had to find it in me to push again. Even though I was beyond exhausted, I knew my body was made for this, and I could do it. I never knew I had that kind of physical endurance. But that endurance that was in me all along. It gave me the strength to keep going- to keep pushing- because I had to. That endurance and strength brought me to the end, when the doctor told me to give one more push, and Cole was born.
I have never felt more proud of myself, and my body. I was able to hold Cole right away and look over all his miraculous details. I wasn’t tired anymore. I was euphoric. These feelings felt normal, natural, and the way it should be. Not lying in a recovery room by myself without my baby, groggy, and barely able to move.
I called my mom, who has four of her own children- all delivered naturally. I cried on the phone with her as I told her I had done it- no C-section this time. I will never forget what she said to me: “Isn’t it gratifying? To be able to give birth to your baby- there is nothing that made me feel more powerful as a woman.” That was exactly how I felt. Not every woman needs to feel this way, but I did. A C-section did not allow me to experience this natural process.
When C-sections are performed as routine, and not reserved for true medical emergencies, I feel it takes a piece of something away from women that is sacred. The right to experience what our bodies were made to do. The experience of childbirth can build enormous confidence in yourself, and in your body. For some women (like myself and my mom), it goes deeper- to very essence of our power as women. This should not be taken lightly, and I feel as the C-section rates continue to increase in this country, women are losing this right and experience.
Having had both a C-section and a vaginal birth, I would compare my experience, to hiking up a difficult mountain you have never hiked before. You want to climb this mountain, but it seems impossible. It is intimidating and you aren’t sure how you are going to do it. Many “experts” in mountain climbing tell you it is very hard, and there could be many complications and problems. However, many people have climbed this mountain before you, and will climb it after you. You start to think that maybe you can do it too. You prepare, you read up on the mountain, you buy the appropriate gear, and you take classes to help you prepare. You have confidence that you will be able to make it to the top. You know it won’t be easy, but you are ready to try.
Then a climbing “expert” stops you, before you even begin. He or she tells you that you are endangering your life, because you don’t have the proper hiking boots. They tell you this is a serious problem. You become scared. You believe them- after all, they are the expert. The climbing expert never offers you the proper pair of hiking boots, but they make it very clear, the only safe way to summit the mountain is if they get a helicopter and fly you to the top. Somehow this seems like overkill, and doesn’t really make sense, but after all- they are the expert, so you believe them, and do what they suggest.
The flight up the mountain goes fine and you are safe. You are finally at the summit, and yet the experience doesn’t feel whole. As you see others climbing up the mountain, and reaching the summit, you wonder if you really could have made it, by hiking. Even though you are happy you made it to the summit, you wonder what the experience would have been like, if you had been “allowed” to try- if you had the proper pair of hiking boots.
I am so grateful that my VBAC was successful with Cole. It gave me back the experience of hiking to the summit of the mountain myself- which I had not been allowed to do with Ryan’s birth. I know I can do it, and that knowledge gave me power within, that will always be with me.
I realize I am only one person-one mother- and these are my feelings five years after my C-section. I have interviewed several women, who have also had C-sections five years or more ago, and I will share with you their thoughts, experiences, and feelings. They are fascinating, and I plan on having the post up next Thursday.
As always, please feel free to share your own experiences, and thoughts. Birth is different for everyone, and I think there is a great benefit in being able to share our different experiences in a respectful manner.
The proud Mommy
