Category: Ryan

Am I Lucky?

WARNING

The post below is what it took for us to have me be a stay-at-home-mom. I know that isn’t everyone’s choice or circumstances. I am not judging anyone for their choices in this post- but it is my frank and honest thoughts, and experiences. I wanted to “warn” anyone who may have torn feelings about not being able to stay-at-home, what this post is about. I have listed some benefits, and observations on staying home that have been true for us. I don’t want to accidentally make anyone feel bad if they read this post, not knowing what it is about. If you are still interested in reading the post, please continue below. Thank you.

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We had a lot of family events this summer, where I constantly heard, “You are so lucky,” in response to the question you always get asked at parties: “What do you do?” Of course my answer was, “I’m a stay-at-home-mom.”

The first few times I heard “You are so lucky,” I nodded my head and agreed. However, once I kept hearing it over and over, I started to wonder, was I really lucky, and how do you define luck? Webster’s defines luck, lucky, and so forth as: 1: having good luck, 2: happening by chance, 3: producing or resulting in good by chance. It also says lucky stresses the agency of chance in bringing about a favorable result.

After reading these definitions, I decided that I am not lucky because I am a stay-at-home-mom. I know these people were just trying to be nice and make conversation, but the more I heard “You are so lucky,” the more annoyed I became. Obviously, luck is random. It is not something that you can plan for, and it usually just happens.

That is the total opposite of what and how Joe and I planned for our lives as parents. When we were dating, we both agreed wholeheartedly that we did not want to leave our children in daycare. We know some people don’t have an option, but at that point in time we did. That was a very important priority for us, so we planned our lives around this belief.

We didn’t spend beyond our means. We didn’t take elaborate vacations, building up debt. We both worked full-time jobs and tried to save as much as we could. We didn’t go out and buy every new electronic gadget that came out. We never charged anything that we couldn’t pay off that month. Both of our cars were older; I finally got a new car a few months after we found out I was pregnant with Ryan. We bought a year old used car, and my previous car by that time was 11 years old and had over 150k miles on it.

Joe worked his way through college after high school, lived at home, and he worked full-time. I wasn’t fortunate to go to college after high school, and didn’t start attending college until I was 25. I paid as I went, never taking out one student loan, because I didn’t want the obligation of being in debt for years. It took me 4 years of working full-time and attending school at night to complete an Associate’s degree, and I finished that when I was 8.5 months pregnant with Ryan. Not the educational path most choose to take. I do hope to complete my Bachelor’s degree one day, but in the meantime I have no student loans I have to pay back.

When Ryan was born, I was able to take four months off, and return to my job part-time. Joe’s schedule allowed him to be home when I went to work, so Joe watched Ryan when I was at work. In February 2005, my job ended when the company I worked for was sold. Thus, I entered into being a full time stay-at-home-mom. Did that all happen by chance? Was it just pure luck that I found myself unemployed, and didn’t need to rush right out and find another job, so we could make ends meet? Well no, frankly, Joe and I planned for this moment, and we lived our lives for six years, being able to achieve that plan.

As almost any family living on one income knows, it is hard. You have to be careful and watch your nickels and dimes. Not to say that Joe and I don’t spend money, because we do- we are planning on buying a new house in the near future, but for day-to-day, we watch what we spend it on, and try not to get sucked into the media’s version of what they tell us we need to be happy. We don’t need a new car every few years. We don’t need an iPod, or an iPhone. Yes, I would love new gadgets, but making those little choices on how to spend money today, allows us to keep the lifestyle that we value tomorrow.

So, when I hear, “You are lucky,” it bugs me. We are not lucky, but self-disciplined, and have made sacrifices so we can afford to have me stay at home. It was hard for me to give up Starbucks whenever I had the whim, getting my hair highlighted and cut every six weeks in a cushy salon. It was hard not buying new clothes, when I wouldn’t have thought twice about it when I was working (I like to shop), and new things for the house, when I stopped working, and we no longer had a dual income. It is hard when we have to shell out money for unexpected expenses that we haven’t planned on. It means we have to watch our money that much closer.

However, being at home and being with my babies right now, while they are young is priceless. No house, car, gadget, or vacation, can compare with knowing that we are doing what we feel is best for our children, which is my being home with them. My friend, Amy, wrote once on her blog something to the effect that she may have lots of regrets in her life, but she knows that choosing to stay home with her children will not be one of them. I echo that. Money, and material things only go so far. If I give up this precious time with my children to work full-time, I know one day, when they are grown up and gone, I will wonder what it would have been like to be at home with them, for this short window of time. I know I will regret it.

So I am not lucky that Joe and I planned and worked hard so that I could be a stay-at-home mother. However, I am fortunate, blessed, and thankful, that Joe and I had the foresight to realize years before we had children, that we wanted them to be at home with one of us. Not everyone realizes that, and when they do, they may not be able to work out circumstances to stay at home.

Having said all of this, I am lucky there are so many choices for stay at home mothers today. I am extremely fortunate that a very part-time job found me. Today, I go back to work one day a week, at an accounting firm. At some point it may work out where I can work a half-day as well on Saturday, and Joe will be able to watch the boys. Because of my wonderful in-laws who will be watching the boys, I was able to accept this opportunity that will allow me to keep my skills current, and to keep my foot in the door in my industry.

Joe and I talked about it a lot, and we feel because his parents are watching the boys, it was too good of an opportunity to pass on. The boys will still be with family, and we know they will still have the environment that we wanted for them. I get to have some hours every week where I am using what I already know, and learning more for my career. If and when we decide the time is right for me to increase the amount I work, like when the boys are in school, this firm has already told me I can do that. Ryan and Cole get to spend a full day every week with their grandparents, who they absolutely adore- who really are like second parents to them. I could not have asked for more. Now that is being lucky!

Activities Cole Family & Friends Me Parenting Ryan

Social Weekend

On Friday night, I met up with my very good friend, Mary, We used to work together, and now she is an RN and lives about 40 miles away. I wish we could say we are great staying in touch, but we are both so busy, we don’t get together as often as we like, but when we do, it is like we pick right up from where we left off, from the last time we talked. I have two sisters, but Mary feels like my “third” sister.

We met for dinner at a delicious Italian restaurant- we sat outside on the patio and it was just a lovely evening. At one point the wind started up, and it looked like it was going to rain, and there was no room inside the restaurant for us to be reseated, but it never did rain. We got to visit for about three hours, and when I arrived home, just past the boys’ bedtime, I expected to find Joe trying to put one or both boys to sleep. Instead, he was watching TV, and there were no little boys in sight. He got them both down, and they were soundfully sleeping.

On Saturday night, my dad and step-mom generously treated my sister, my two teen-age cousins, and myself to a musical-The Little Mermaid, produced by Disney (of course) and it was wonderful!

I really didn’t expect too much, but it had everything-good story, exceptional singing- wonderful characters, excellent music, awesome dancing (there is even a tap dance number in it- I love tap dancing, and it doesn’t seem like you see very much of it any more), and very touching song lyrics and dialogue. This was different from The Little Mermaid movie, allthough they “borrowed” parts from the movie. There was a lot of added dialogue that frankly made it more “adult” and less for kids. There was a scene at the end, where Ariel’s father, King Titian, talks about loving your children and how you love them so much you can’t let them go, but because you do love them, you have to let them go. It was so moving- there wasn’t a dry eye in the place, especially among the parents!

Of course they had all of classic songs from the movie, like “Under the Sea,” and “Kiss the Girl.” Another cool aspect was there was not a drop of water on the set, and the actors were not on lines, trying to make them look like they were swimming- they used the Healey shoes- to roller blade across the stage, to mimic the swimming, and it worked! It was very creative.

It was so entertaining, and there was something for everyone. It was a wonderful night!

When I was getting ready to leave, Ryan gave me the once-over and asked me, “Where are you going dressed like that?” As I was walking out the door, I called goodbye to him. He was in the kitchen with Joe, and he called back, “Okay, good-bye, have fun, and be careful.” Sometimes I think he is 3.5 going on 30!

I got home rather late, and of course Joe had the boys bathed, and sleeping once again. Should I have expected any less? He was terrific with them, and it was very nice to actually go out for two whole nights kid free. I’m very fortunate Joe is such a terrific father and hubby.

Today we went back to the same town to visit Joe’s brother and help him with some household projects. The boys did great visiting their uncle and playing with their two doggies. They were asleep in the car five minutes after we left. They briefly woke up when we got home, but they both fell back asleep within minutes.

Joe has to work tomorrow, and I have to go grocery shopping and get things ready for the week. We had a very nice weekend, and I hope everyone has a great Labor Day tomorrow. Here are two pictures from last night:

Me with my niece, Maelin, who is five months old.

(L to R) Maelin, Me, My sister, & My sister-in-law. We all three ended up wearing black (and very dark navy) lacy outfits, but did not plan this. I guess we were all on the same wave length! 🙂

Cole Mothering Ryan School

Wasn’t He Just Born?

I can hardly believe that today we had Ryan’s orientation for the first ever pre-school/enrichment program that he will attend on Tuesday’s. Where has the time gone?

We decided that Ryan wasn’t quite ready for a “full blown” several times a week preschool yet, so we decided on a program that frankly, just seems perfect for him.

It is on a farm just up the hill from Joe’s parent’s house. There are horses, chickens, goats, lambs, and I am sure other animals that I am forgetting. There is a tree house / fort, swings, sandbox, toys, and bikes. The kids are outside everyday unless the weather is just horrible. There are eight kids in his group and a teacher, and a teacher’s assistant. They will have some “formal” learning sessions, but in general, being outside is their classroom.

We got to go for an hour today to meet Ryan’s teachers, and just get him used to the place. Unfortunately, when we got there, the director/owner told us his teachers were not able to make it today, but we got Ryan acquainted with the grounds, and he absolutely loved it. He didn’t want to go home. He has been a little nervous talking about going to school, but now that he has seen where he gets to go, he keeps asking when it will be Tuesday. I was joking with him and said maybe I could come too, and he told me, “No, you need to find your own school.”

He will be going from 9:30-12, and he gets to bring a lunch. He is excited about his new lunchbox. He also had to make sure that Cole wasn’t coming with him. I think Cole would like to enroll as well. He was in heaven there today, following Ryan around, and he actually got up all these steps to the tree fort.

I was reading the director’s welcoming letter, where she was explaining some more about the program, and I love her philosophy when she says,

“…I loved being outside with a group of children- spontaneous, creative play. I loved the fact that there was no agenda, no structure…just exploring, smelling, touching. The air, the sky, huge trees, birds. I loved not teaching. I loved that everything was already there-in nature. The kids seemed more free, more alive. I remember this huge realization: life does not get any better than this. It was truly that simple.”

So my ‘baby’ is off to school in a few days. It seems like he was just born. While I am a bit sad he is growing up so fast, I am also very excited for him to start to branch out on his own, and start to explore, and find his world away from me.

It seems as a mother, that is your ultimate job- to prepare your child for life away from you one day. At least for now, he is only away for a few hours. Wonder how I’ll feel when he is leaving for college?

Parenting Ryan

Ryan’s Moon

Today Ryan was back to his little sweet self. He told Joe and I at dinner that last night the moon came in his window to cuddle with the little boy in bed. He said the moon slept on his tummy and kept it warm, and when it was morning, the moon flew out his window. I was in the middle of making dinner, and couldn’t get the video camera, but I hope to have him tell me this again tomorrow, so I can record it.

Joe had some work to do tonight, so I put Ryan to bed. He asked me to close his curtains, because the moon was coming in. He said the moon was coming to visit the boy again, and he needed the curtains closed, so the moon didn’t fly away until the morning!

What a little imagination. If he keeps going with this, I should write it down, and maybe write a children’s story about it one day! It is so fun to see his personality and creativity come out when we are least expecting it.

Activities Cole Family & Friends Health Mothering Ryan

A New Phase

We are finally all healthy again! Joe got the “crud” on Friday afternoon after he got home from work, and was sick until Sunday. It was a rough weekend, because the boys wanted to play with their daddy, and they couldn’t.

On Friday night my in-laws and I took the boys to an end of summer festival on our Main Street. The boys had a terrific time, and I did too! There were some bouncy castles, a big bubble tower that blew tons of bubbles out- they boys had fun trying to catch them. There was also a mini-train ride that Ryan rode three times, and once I managed to squeeze my self into one of the cars, and hold Cole on my lap. He thought he was quite the big boy. He kept waving to Grandpa, and was quite proud of himself.

The big surprise was a local dance studio was having some performances of their dancers- girls from probably about age 10 to age 17, and Ryan loved watching them! He wanted to keep going back and see the dancers. One set they did had a boy dancing too, who was probably about 11 or 12, and Ryan kept asking when the boy was going to come back and dance. Cole was jamming out, bopping to the music in his stroller. I think I have two little dancers on my hands.

On Sunday I went shopping with Cole for about 4 hours for some new clothes. He did so unbelievably well. I don’t think he has ever had a day since he has been born where he didn’t cry / fuss at least once. Yesterday he didn’t! He sat in his stroller, waving at people, babbling, and playing with his toys. I had about 10 people stop me and tell me what a cute little baby I had. In the dressing rooms, he just looked at himself in the mirror, “hung” the clothes back on the hangers for me, and just had fun. He was like the poster child of a perfectly happy, contented baby. So we had a fabulous afternoon.

We are entering into a new phase with Ryan though. He has suddenly decided that he is the boss, and throws fits now when he doesn’t get his way. Saturday night, we had a bad episode, where he was in a fit, and he actually slapped my face. I was stunned- I can’t believe my sweet little boy did this. When you get hit in the face, my first reaction is to hit back. I felt my hand go up, but I stopped, and just put him in his bed. I told him he is never, never, to hit me. He cried and cried, and about twenty minutes later he came out of his room and apologized. I told him he hurt me very, very, much. He said he was sorry again, and Joe took him back to his room to talk to him.

It will be interesting to see what happens during the next fit. I can put up with a lot, but having my son hit me, is not one of them!

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WARNING