Category: Mothering

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c-sections Mothering Parenting Pregnancy & Birth

Interview With AOL Health on C-Sections

A month or so ago, I was contacted by a reporter, Justine van der Leun, who told me she was a reporter with AOL Health.  She said she had come across my blog while doing research for a story on C-sections.  She said she found my experience interesting and asked if I would be willing to be interviewed for her story.

I haven’t written about C-sections for a while.  I haven’t had a lot of extra time for several months to write a lot of blog posts.  This sounded like a good opportunity that could help raise awareness on C-sections, so I agreed to the interview.  Justine called me a few days later and we spoke for about 30 minutes.  She asked great questions, and said she had been learning a lot about birth because some of her friends were having babies, and also because of the story she was working on. 

Justine thanked me as we were concluding and told me she was going to interview a doctor and then write the story.  I felt like Justine would write a balanced story, but I was cautiously optimistic until I could read the final story.  Sometimes viewpoints and words get misconstrued or used out of context.  

Last week Justine notified me the story was finished and published.  I was on my way out of work, and skimmed it quickly on my phone and I was pleased.  But I wanted to read it when I had more time. When I did I was extremely happy.  Justine did a terrific job with conveying my thoughts on C-sections and birth.  I posted the link to my FaceBook Fan Page, and finally had time tonight to post the link to my blog.

I’d like to thank Justine here, for writing an accurate and balanced story on C-sections.  I hope it will assist women who are researching C-sections.

Here is the link to Justine’s story on AOL Health: Unwanted Cesarean Sections, Getting The Birth You Want

Categories
c-sections Family & Friends Mothering Parenting Pregnancy & Birth

“Good-Bye” to Julie

In September, I met my friends for a girl’s night out.  We all met each other and became friends within 6 months or so of us having our first babies- way back in 2004. 

There are nine of us, Brandy, Amy, Nicole, Heather, Alison, Melissa, Danit, myself, and Julie.  I met Brandy, Amy, Heather, and Julie through a Yahoo parenting group Brandy had started.  Ryan was about 6 months old, and I had no friends who were moms.  I had no idea, or could have known at the time, how vital these friends would become in my life.  Eventually our group branched out into a mom’s night out, and I met Melissa, Nicole, Danit, and Alison. 

Once a month we would meet to just have some time away from the kids, to talk, and to compare notes.  This was before Facebook was up and running, so we stayed in touch every day through the Yahoo parenting group board. I remember at times that seemed like my life-line.  Whenever there was an issue I was facing with parenting, one of my friends was dealing with the same thing.   

Even though we couldn’t meet every day and chat in person, we had access to each other through the phone, computer, the occasional play-dates, and that support helped all of us. We all invited each other’s kids to birthdays, baby showers, and family events.  Most everyone’s husbands became friends too.  We met each other’s parents when they were in town, and somewhere along the line, we became more than just friends- we became a kind of a family-a community. 

Brandy, Julie, and I told each other on the same day in September 2005, that we were pregnant with our second children, and we were all due within weeks of each other in May.   Some days it seemed like we could barely manage what we had, and now we were going to be adding another person to the mix.  Julie and I had also had C-sections with our first children, and we were both determined to have a VBAC birth with our second baby.  That was a leap of faith- going against what the medical “norm” advises and deciding to trust my body.  I was fortunate to have Julie right there with me, as she decided the same thing.

As the weeks turned into months, and May rolled around, I remember sitting with Julie one morning in her beautiful garden. Julie is a master gardener and always has the most amazing yard.  She was hosting a play group, and our two-year olds were off playing the sand.  Julie and I’s belly’s were so big, it was warm out, and we had a hard time even sitting.  We talked about the impending births, and the way our lives were going to change with a second baby.  After that morning most of my fears were washed away.  I saw an extremely strong, determined, confident, and capable mother in Julie. I knew if she could manage I could too.

Julie had her daughter, Lily, a few weeks before Cole, and she had a successful VBAC.  I was so happy for her.  Her successful VBAC encouraged me that much more that I could avoid another C-section.  When Cole was born two weeks later, it was via VBAC, and when Trajan, Brandy’s son was born a week later, he was born at home. 

In July, 2007 our little group got smaller.  Brandy and her husband, Dax, were moving to Georgia, so he could attend graduate school.  It felt weird we were losing the person who had brought us all together.  We had new moms come and go through the group. But our core was always there.  This was our last girl’s night out before Brandy moved:

Back to front, clockwise, Amy, Me, Nicole, Brandy, Julie, w/ Lily, Heather

Brandy and her family eventually moved back to Colorado last year, but to another part of the state.  Even so, we’ve been able to see her a few times since she has moved back.

 April 2009,

Back to front, clockwise, Heather, Amy, Julie, Nicole, Me, Brandy, Melissa, Danit

In January of 2009, I started a difficult divorce process.  In April I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, had surgery and recovery for it in the summer of 2009, and in February of this year, my mother passed away suddenly.  My immediate family lives about 50 miles away and was not always able to help me- especially when I was recovering from cancer.

My friends became my family in the town I live.  I would not have emerged from a divorce, cancer, and my mom’s death without their support and love.  Anything I needed, they provided. I didn’t even have to ask- they just came over and did what they saw needed to be done.  One day when I was recovering from cancer, I was barely strong enough to get up from the couch.  I had the boys and it was all I could do to look after them.

There was a knock on my door, and when I opened it, it was Julie.  Julie always has a smile on her face.  I think “sunshine” when I see her.  She had food for me, a book, and flowers.  She had done all the prep work so all I had to do was open the container and eat.  All my friends did things like this for me, but I mention Julie, because this post is about her.  🙂

Julie, her husband, and their two children, are moving to Finland this month for an incredible job offer her husband received.  This was the news Julie told us a month ago at our girl’s night out.  I am thrilled for her and her family- but I am also sad.  I don’t want Julie to move for purely selfish reasons- I am going to miss her.  We all are going to miss Julie- more than I think we care to admit. 

For 6 years now, we have gone through everything together.  From having infants, to post-partum depression, to toddlers, to preschoolers, to school age children, to losing our parents, to adoption, to soccer practices, to cancer, to other medical issues, to moves, to relationship issues, to divorce, to fitness, to Twilight (and Twizzler’s in the nose) obsessions, to once-in-a-lifetime-opportunities-when it has happened to one of us, all of us have felt it.  And we have been there for each other through everything. 

Last week we had our last girls night out for awhile with Julie.  It was fun, and it was like it always had been.  It’s our time to reconnect, talk, discuss, laugh, relax, and enjoy the brief pause in our lives when we aren’t in mom-mode. 

I don’t feel like saying “good-bye” is quite the right thing- I know we will see Julie again, and thanks to Facebook, and blogs, we will all be able to stay in touch  just like we have always done.  But it is her presence – her smile, her laugh, and her warmth, that will be gone from our group- for now. 

 We’ve been through more things in six years thatn some people ever face.  We were all new, clueless, sleep-deprived, scared, and isolated moms when we became friends.  Six years later, we are stronger, wiser, healthier, and less sleep deprived (except for Nicole who has a 4-month old)  :-), and we are all still friends.  Our children brought us together, but it is our characters that have kept us all friends. That is a unique gift we have all found in each other. 

It is a new start for Julie and her family, and a new adjustment for us.  It would be very easy to put some sad parting words here,  but as I told Julie the other night, I like this quote when thinking about her moving away:

Don’t cry because it’s over.  Smile because it happened. ~Theodor Seuss Geisel (Dr. Seuss)

October, 2010

Left to Right: Alison, Heather, Amy, Julie, Melissa, Me, Nicole

Categories
Activities Mothering Parenting Ryan

The Boy Scout Paradox

The day before the first day of school, Ryan’s school had a meet the teacher event. There was also a Boy Scout information booth set up in the hallway.  As we were leaving, Ryan went right to the booth and started looking at all of the pictures.  The leader started talking to us about the various levels, activities, and when it would start.  

Ryan was intrigued and was very interested in becoming a Boy Scout.  I never participated in Girl Scouts, or even knew that much about the program.  Other than seeing the uniforms around, I wasn’t sure exactly what they did or what their purpose was.  The leader told us the first meeting and information session for new scouts would be in a few weeks, and we signed up to attend the meeting.

The past few weeks I’ve asked friends who are involved in Boy Scouts their opinions.  Everything I heard from them was positive.  I asked my friends on my personal Facebook page, what their experiences with Boy Scouts had been, and again, it was all positive.  There were several adult men who commented they had really enjoyed their time in Boy Scouts and it helped them learn a lot of different skills.  One of my friends also commented there really is no other program out there for boys like it. 

Then the comment came- just about the only thing I had remembered hearing about Boy Scouts, and that is their position towards gay people.  I haven’t read the actual policy word for word, but they prohibit any person who is gay from being a leader or participating in the organization. This has been challenged legally, but since they are a private organization, the policy has been upheld. 

One of my friends told me she would have enrolled her son, who is also in first grade, in Boy Scouts if not for this policy.  She was still thinking about it.  My friend Alison, told me she had friends who participated in Boy Scouts and it really depends on the local group.  Another friend of mine from high school, who has been involved in Boys Scouts for years with his two sons, and who is a leader, confirmed the same thing.  He also said in all his years involved, he had never heard one anti-gay comment, and it had never been an issue.

In our own circle of friends and family, there are gay people.  I teach Ryan and Cole to treat everyone with respect and kindness.  Personally, I disagree with the Boy Scout policy, and think they should change it- the sooner the better.  Ignoring that people are gay, and preventing them to participate in an organization is discrimination.  It seems hateful and very mean spirited.  Most of the information I read said the Boy Scout organization does not ask, or divulge into a person’s sexual orientation.  So it seems like the classic case of ”don’t ask, don’t tell.”   

Because I don’t agree with the Boy Scouts national policy on this issue, is that a good reason to keep my six year old from joining the organization?

The biggest question I had was, would telling Ryan he couldn’t join, change anything on a national level?  Sadly, the answer is no.  I feel in this case, the harm would be greater to Ryan- telling him he couldn’t join- than it would be to the Boy Scouts.  After considering what people have said their experiences have been at a local level, it didn’t seem likely that the anti-gay policy would be an issue at this time, in Ryan’s life.  He’s only six, and doesn’t fully grasp all the issues involved in this situation.   

I also think as a parent, the most important thing I can do is let him live life.  The way he wants to, within boundaries of course.  Ryan might not like Boy Scouts after he is in it for a year and will want to quit.  Or he could love it.  But if I never let him try what he wants to do, he will never know.  If he wants to continue in it, there will be a day for this policy conversation with him.  If he feels he doesn’t want to be part of an organization that bans gay people that will be his decision to make, when he is able to do so.  Not mine.  

Last night was the first meeting and Ryan loved it.  His best friend, who is in his class, showed up as well.  They both were so excited.  They watched the older boys with the flags.  They listened to the leaders speak.  They sang a song, and learned more about some of the activities they would be doing.  Ryan is already excited about archery. He wants to go get his uniform.  Cole also whispered to me when he is in first grade, he wants to be a Boy Scout too.   

The core values the Boys Scouts work hard to install, and the sense of accomplishment they help boys to develop in themselves, seems pretty amazing.  I heard boys a few years older than Ryan speak with pride about their activities. They were well spoken, polite, and confident.  It is puzzling that an organization that can cultivate these values with boys, has an anti-anything policy-especially a sexual orientation policy that can’t be chosen.  

As I heard the boys speaking last night, and I watched my own son, excited and eager, my hope for him is to be confident, have a sense of accomplishment, and develop a strong sense of self.  It’s bizarre the Boy Scouts have developed millions and millions of boys every year, with these strong core values, while maintaining their anti-gay policy.       

If Ryan’s generation can recognize discrimination, work to change and correct it, then the Boy Scouts will have had a hand in this, by the values they help develop.  Ending discrimination should start with the Boy Scout organization.  It’s an ironic paradox.

Categories
Family & Friends losing a parent Mothering

Six Months…

I have some fun blog posts to write about New York, our vacation to Michigan, school, and some running updates.  But those will have to wait. 

A few days ago, I was looking for a picture on my computer when the computer brought up the series of pictures of the trip I took to Disneyland in February 2009.  It was the trip I took with my mom, my brother, my sister, and sister-in-law, to celebrate my mom’s 60th birthday.  The pictures made me incredibly sad- to know now one year after that trip, almost to the day- my mom passed away.

My sister called me yesterday upset.  She had a situation in her classroom that was very difficult.  She mentioned it was particually upsetting since tomorrow (which is today), is the six-month mark of our mom passing away. 

I had a really hard time in May with my mom’s death.  I took some time “off” from everything and it helped.  I still have moments when I am really sad, and I miss her a lot, but it is slowing getting better on a day-to-day basis.  For travel to Michigan, we had layovers both ways in Minneapolis, where my mom lived.  The boys and I had lunch with my mom’s friends, Lisa, Annie, and Michelle, who all loved my mom, and helped our family immensely during all of this.  It was so good to talk to them and see them again.   

Those pictures from the other day must have reminded me on a subconscious level.  And yesterday, hearing the words out-loud from my sister- it made me feel a lot.  I can hardly believe my mom has been gone for six months.  It seems like six years.  I have missed her so much.  I’ve missed filling her in on so many things.  I miss talking to her. I miss her voice.  I miss her quirky little habits that used to annoy me.  I miss her late night calls.  I miss her support and love.  I miss not being able to tell her about Ryan and Cole. 

I have been so busy with so many things- until I stop and just think about her, I don’t think about missing her, don’t feel like I am missing her, and I feel guilty about that.  I feel guilty I drive by the cemetery she is laid to rest in almost every day, and I have only been there three times.  It was her wish to be buried there, but I hate seeing it everyday.  It is a beautiful cemetery for someone else’s mother.  I don’t want to think about my mother being there. 

But I also wanted to go today.  To be there.  To touch the gravestone, and to honor her memory.  The boys wanted to go as well- they said they wanted to talk to Nana.  We brought my mom flowers and pictures of our lives from the last six months- the first six months of events she’s missed.  Pictures of my brother, sisters, our children, our families, and our friends. 

The pictures don’t show the sadness and the sense of loss behind the smiles, the loss that is always there- buried, and ignored.  Because death is part of life. We have to move on with our lives, figuring it out as we go.  Together and separately.  No one processes the death of a parent exactly the same way.   

A woman at the hospice told my brother life without our mom never gets easier- it just gets different.  I know that is true.  With the pictures I brought to my mom’s grave, our lives are different than they were six months ago.  But as I was looking at them, I saw they show the basics in life that will never change, and what my mom would want for all of us.  They are pictures of our lives, and of our children’s-playing, growing, traveling, changing, loving, happiness, living.

 

Categories
ACS Blogger Advisory Council Cancer Family & Friends Mothering Parenting

Home & Vacation

I am back from New York.  Wow!!  I can see why people either love or hate it.  I loved it!  It was such a different experience for me.  I’ve lived near Boulder, CO almost my entire life.  I’ve been to Los Angeles several times, but New York was by far the biggest city I’ve ever been in. 

People were nice and very helpful.  No one was rude or had an attitude.  I felt very safe walking around Times Square at night- there was only about 50,000 other people around, police all around, and almost every shop and restaurant was open.  There was only negative thing happen, and that was on the way to the airport on the way home.  The taxi I took smelled like gasoline, and I was on the verge of getting really sick by the time I got to the airport.  Other than that, everything went great. 

The tour of the New York Hope Lodge was amazing.  I am going to write a more detailed blog post about that, but I was so touched by what they do for cancer patients.  As I listened and saw what they did, I thought back to my own experience with cancer last year and thought it was great there are facilities like this that help the patients with the most need.  Especially in a place like New York, where it is so expensive to stay long-term.  I was impressed to learn there are 40 other Hope Lodges in the United States.  It was clear to see Hope Lodges are a great asset in helping cancer patients and their caregivers fight cancer. 

I hope to write more about New York soon (with pictures!), but I had a long day at work yesterday, and the boys and I are leaving tomorow for our vacation together.  We are going with my dad and step-mom to Lake Superior in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.  My dad has a relative there who lives across the street from the lake.  The boys are beyond excited for a beach/water vacation.  I haven’t been able to go anywhere with them for two years on vacation, so I am looking forward to this time with them. 

As much fun as I had in New York, the boys were never far from my thoughts.  I missed them!  I kept thinking how much they would enjoy the buildings, the firetrucks, the police cars, and all the sights and sounds.  I decided I am going to take them there one day- when they are older- so they can experience New York and all the amazing sights, before they are in their thirties, like me.  🙂  I liked the perspective it gave me, and I want my sons to be able to live and experience other places then where we live. 

As I flew back into Denver, I saw the few tall buildings on Denver’s skyline.  They definitely didn’t look like much after staring at New York’s massive and countless skyscrapers for five days.  They looked tiny by comparison.  But there were mountains, and open spaces.  I could see miles in any direction- something you don’t get to do in New York from the ground.  There wasn’t a cloud in the sky, and they announced it was 75 degrees.  It was a perfect Colorado day, I was going to see Ryan and Cole, and I knew I was home.