Category: Mothering

Am I Lucky?

WARNING

The post below is what it took for us to have me be a stay-at-home-mom. I know that isn’t everyone’s choice or circumstances. I am not judging anyone for their choices in this post- but it is my frank and honest thoughts, and experiences. I wanted to “warn” anyone who may have torn feelings about not being able to stay-at-home, what this post is about. I have listed some benefits, and observations on staying home that have been true for us. I don’t want to accidentally make anyone feel bad if they read this post, not knowing what it is about. If you are still interested in reading the post, please continue below. Thank you.

***************************************************

We had a lot of family events this summer, where I constantly heard, “You are so lucky,” in response to the question you always get asked at parties: “What do you do?” Of course my answer was, “I’m a stay-at-home-mom.”

The first few times I heard “You are so lucky,” I nodded my head and agreed. However, once I kept hearing it over and over, I started to wonder, was I really lucky, and how do you define luck? Webster’s defines luck, lucky, and so forth as: 1: having good luck, 2: happening by chance, 3: producing or resulting in good by chance. It also says lucky stresses the agency of chance in bringing about a favorable result.

After reading these definitions, I decided that I am not lucky because I am a stay-at-home-mom. I know these people were just trying to be nice and make conversation, but the more I heard “You are so lucky,” the more annoyed I became. Obviously, luck is random. It is not something that you can plan for, and it usually just happens.

That is the total opposite of what and how Joe and I planned for our lives as parents. When we were dating, we both agreed wholeheartedly that we did not want to leave our children in daycare. We know some people don’t have an option, but at that point in time we did. That was a very important priority for us, so we planned our lives around this belief.

We didn’t spend beyond our means. We didn’t take elaborate vacations, building up debt. We both worked full-time jobs and tried to save as much as we could. We didn’t go out and buy every new electronic gadget that came out. We never charged anything that we couldn’t pay off that month. Both of our cars were older; I finally got a new car a few months after we found out I was pregnant with Ryan. We bought a year old used car, and my previous car by that time was 11 years old and had over 150k miles on it.

Joe worked his way through college after high school, lived at home, and he worked full-time. I wasn’t fortunate to go to college after high school, and didn’t start attending college until I was 25. I paid as I went, never taking out one student loan, because I didn’t want the obligation of being in debt for years. It took me 4 years of working full-time and attending school at night to complete an Associate’s degree, and I finished that when I was 8.5 months pregnant with Ryan. Not the educational path most choose to take. I do hope to complete my Bachelor’s degree one day, but in the meantime I have no student loans I have to pay back.

When Ryan was born, I was able to take four months off, and return to my job part-time. Joe’s schedule allowed him to be home when I went to work, so Joe watched Ryan when I was at work. In February 2005, my job ended when the company I worked for was sold. Thus, I entered into being a full time stay-at-home-mom. Did that all happen by chance? Was it just pure luck that I found myself unemployed, and didn’t need to rush right out and find another job, so we could make ends meet? Well no, frankly, Joe and I planned for this moment, and we lived our lives for six years, being able to achieve that plan.

As almost any family living on one income knows, it is hard. You have to be careful and watch your nickels and dimes. Not to say that Joe and I don’t spend money, because we do- we are planning on buying a new house in the near future, but for day-to-day, we watch what we spend it on, and try not to get sucked into the media’s version of what they tell us we need to be happy. We don’t need a new car every few years. We don’t need an iPod, or an iPhone. Yes, I would love new gadgets, but making those little choices on how to spend money today, allows us to keep the lifestyle that we value tomorrow.

So, when I hear, “You are lucky,” it bugs me. We are not lucky, but self-disciplined, and have made sacrifices so we can afford to have me stay at home. It was hard for me to give up Starbucks whenever I had the whim, getting my hair highlighted and cut every six weeks in a cushy salon. It was hard not buying new clothes, when I wouldn’t have thought twice about it when I was working (I like to shop), and new things for the house, when I stopped working, and we no longer had a dual income. It is hard when we have to shell out money for unexpected expenses that we haven’t planned on. It means we have to watch our money that much closer.

However, being at home and being with my babies right now, while they are young is priceless. No house, car, gadget, or vacation, can compare with knowing that we are doing what we feel is best for our children, which is my being home with them. My friend, Amy, wrote once on her blog something to the effect that she may have lots of regrets in her life, but she knows that choosing to stay home with her children will not be one of them. I echo that. Money, and material things only go so far. If I give up this precious time with my children to work full-time, I know one day, when they are grown up and gone, I will wonder what it would have been like to be at home with them, for this short window of time. I know I will regret it.

So I am not lucky that Joe and I planned and worked hard so that I could be a stay-at-home mother. However, I am fortunate, blessed, and thankful, that Joe and I had the foresight to realize years before we had children, that we wanted them to be at home with one of us. Not everyone realizes that, and when they do, they may not be able to work out circumstances to stay at home.

Having said all of this, I am lucky there are so many choices for stay at home mothers today. I am extremely fortunate that a very part-time job found me. Today, I go back to work one day a week, at an accounting firm. At some point it may work out where I can work a half-day as well on Saturday, and Joe will be able to watch the boys. Because of my wonderful in-laws who will be watching the boys, I was able to accept this opportunity that will allow me to keep my skills current, and to keep my foot in the door in my industry.

Joe and I talked about it a lot, and we feel because his parents are watching the boys, it was too good of an opportunity to pass on. The boys will still be with family, and we know they will still have the environment that we wanted for them. I get to have some hours every week where I am using what I already know, and learning more for my career. If and when we decide the time is right for me to increase the amount I work, like when the boys are in school, this firm has already told me I can do that. Ryan and Cole get to spend a full day every week with their grandparents, who they absolutely adore- who really are like second parents to them. I could not have asked for more. Now that is being lucky!

Cole Mothering Ryan School

Wasn’t He Just Born?

I can hardly believe that today we had Ryan’s orientation for the first ever pre-school/enrichment program that he will attend on Tuesday’s. Where has the time gone?

We decided that Ryan wasn’t quite ready for a “full blown” several times a week preschool yet, so we decided on a program that frankly, just seems perfect for him.

It is on a farm just up the hill from Joe’s parent’s house. There are horses, chickens, goats, lambs, and I am sure other animals that I am forgetting. There is a tree house / fort, swings, sandbox, toys, and bikes. The kids are outside everyday unless the weather is just horrible. There are eight kids in his group and a teacher, and a teacher’s assistant. They will have some “formal” learning sessions, but in general, being outside is their classroom.

We got to go for an hour today to meet Ryan’s teachers, and just get him used to the place. Unfortunately, when we got there, the director/owner told us his teachers were not able to make it today, but we got Ryan acquainted with the grounds, and he absolutely loved it. He didn’t want to go home. He has been a little nervous talking about going to school, but now that he has seen where he gets to go, he keeps asking when it will be Tuesday. I was joking with him and said maybe I could come too, and he told me, “No, you need to find your own school.”

He will be going from 9:30-12, and he gets to bring a lunch. He is excited about his new lunchbox. He also had to make sure that Cole wasn’t coming with him. I think Cole would like to enroll as well. He was in heaven there today, following Ryan around, and he actually got up all these steps to the tree fort.

I was reading the director’s welcoming letter, where she was explaining some more about the program, and I love her philosophy when she says,

“…I loved being outside with a group of children- spontaneous, creative play. I loved the fact that there was no agenda, no structure…just exploring, smelling, touching. The air, the sky, huge trees, birds. I loved not teaching. I loved that everything was already there-in nature. The kids seemed more free, more alive. I remember this huge realization: life does not get any better than this. It was truly that simple.”

So my ‘baby’ is off to school in a few days. It seems like he was just born. While I am a bit sad he is growing up so fast, I am also very excited for him to start to branch out on his own, and start to explore, and find his world away from me.

It seems as a mother, that is your ultimate job- to prepare your child for life away from you one day. At least for now, he is only away for a few hours. Wonder how I’ll feel when he is leaving for college?

Activities Cole Family & Friends Health Mothering Ryan

A New Phase

We are finally all healthy again! Joe got the “crud” on Friday afternoon after he got home from work, and was sick until Sunday. It was a rough weekend, because the boys wanted to play with their daddy, and they couldn’t.

On Friday night my in-laws and I took the boys to an end of summer festival on our Main Street. The boys had a terrific time, and I did too! There were some bouncy castles, a big bubble tower that blew tons of bubbles out- they boys had fun trying to catch them. There was also a mini-train ride that Ryan rode three times, and once I managed to squeeze my self into one of the cars, and hold Cole on my lap. He thought he was quite the big boy. He kept waving to Grandpa, and was quite proud of himself.

The big surprise was a local dance studio was having some performances of their dancers- girls from probably about age 10 to age 17, and Ryan loved watching them! He wanted to keep going back and see the dancers. One set they did had a boy dancing too, who was probably about 11 or 12, and Ryan kept asking when the boy was going to come back and dance. Cole was jamming out, bopping to the music in his stroller. I think I have two little dancers on my hands.

On Sunday I went shopping with Cole for about 4 hours for some new clothes. He did so unbelievably well. I don’t think he has ever had a day since he has been born where he didn’t cry / fuss at least once. Yesterday he didn’t! He sat in his stroller, waving at people, babbling, and playing with his toys. I had about 10 people stop me and tell me what a cute little baby I had. In the dressing rooms, he just looked at himself in the mirror, “hung” the clothes back on the hangers for me, and just had fun. He was like the poster child of a perfectly happy, contented baby. So we had a fabulous afternoon.

We are entering into a new phase with Ryan though. He has suddenly decided that he is the boss, and throws fits now when he doesn’t get his way. Saturday night, we had a bad episode, where he was in a fit, and he actually slapped my face. I was stunned- I can’t believe my sweet little boy did this. When you get hit in the face, my first reaction is to hit back. I felt my hand go up, but I stopped, and just put him in his bed. I told him he is never, never, to hit me. He cried and cried, and about twenty minutes later he came out of his room and apologized. I told him he hurt me very, very, much. He said he was sorry again, and Joe took him back to his room to talk to him.

It will be interesting to see what happens during the next fit. I can put up with a lot, but having my son hit me, is not one of them!

Cole Household Mothering Parenting Ryan

Pity Party

I just posted today about Cole being sick again, and then the day went from bad to worse!

I only got three hours of sleep last night, so I was hoping I could catch a nap today when the boys took theirs. I put Ryan down at 1:30, and at 2, he was still up, and then Cole woke up. No nap for this Mama today!

While Cole was sleeping he had an incredibly foul diaper, which leaked through some, so there was another mess to clean up. He did manage to drink some water, and breastmilk and keep it down, but he was terribly fussy. I don’t know how I managed to get all my consignment sale tags done, but I did. (Yea for small miracles!)

I called Joe at 4:30 to ask him to bring some Jell-O home for Cole, and he said he’d be home in half an hour. Then my dad called and said he’d be by for a short visit on his way home from work. I was happy that my dreadfully long day was ending, and was hoping I could make a quick dinner for the boys and then rest for a little bit.

At 5, the phone rings and it is the massage therapist Joe has been working with since the car accident, wondering where he was. S***! He had an appointment at 4:45, and we both totally forgot, even though it was written on the calendar. I told her I’d try calling him, and he could probably still make it. He did end up making it, but now Ryan was wondering where Daddy was, and to top that off he said his stomach was hurting, and now Joe wouldn’t be home for another hour.

Fortunately, my dad still stopped by, but Cole & Ryan wanted nothing to do with him. I have to hand it to Grandpa- he pulled out his work cell-phone / walkie-talkie, and made it beep and the boys flocked to him like bees to honey. I was trying to get some dinner made while my dad was here, and got it finished just as he had to go.

By the time I freshened up a salad for my dinner, Cole was done with his rice and wanted out of his chair. I got him cleaned up and thought I could finally sit down and try to eat. Ryan said his stomach was feeling better so he was up and down from the table, playing with Cole.

I wrote a few weeks ago about their Drinking “Beer” game and they started playing that again. But this time the 3.5 year-old took it a step further and threw one of the cans of Coke back into the pantry, and then I heard it- the can of Coke exploding.

Ryan looked stunned- Cole looked stunned- I looked stunned- time stood still. I slowly made myself look at the Coke dripping down the pantry walls, the door, and over absolutely every thing and item in the pantry. I saw my two boys covered in sticky, gooey, Coke from head to toe. I saw Coke puddles all over the floor. I saw Cole splashing in the Coke, making an even bigger mess. I heard Ryan saying, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry- it was an accident,” over and over, and I heard myself starting to cry. I heard myself asking why did this have to happen today– haven’t I had to clean up enough messes during the last 24 hours? I heard myself saying, I just wanted to sit down for five minutes and eat, and now I have to clean up another gross mess.

What else could I do, but start? I rinsed the boys off in the sink. Ryan told me it was almost night-time and I would feel better in the morning. He kept saying he was sorry, and said he wanted to give me a hug to make me feel better. I told him it was okay, it was an accident, but I was upset and didn’t want to hug him right now. I told him I needed him to play with Cole in the living room, so I could clean up.

As soon as I put Cole in the living room, he started to scream. He dashed back into the kitchen to be with me. I put him back in the living room, and he screamed again, trying to get back in the kitchen. I grabbed a chair and blocked the entrance to the kitchen with it- you can imagine how much Cole loved that, and what kind of screaming fest I was treated to!

I asked Ryan again, to see if he could sing a song or play with Cole, and I was crying again. He told me he was very, very, sorry, and that just made me feel worse! I finished filling up the mop bucket and went to Ryan. I hugged him and told him he didn’t need to be sorry anymore, I loved him, and Mommy was just very tired. He looked so relived and it reminded me how much power I have right now over him, and how utterly miserable he looked before I told him everything was okay. I never want him to think that I don’t love him, but sometimes it is so hard to keep everything running and having to think about everyone else’s feelings when I am just beyond exhausted. I am glad that I took those few seconds with him, so he knew everything was okay, and I was not mad at him.

As soon as I was done hugging him, Joe walked in the door to our lovely situation. He offered to clean up the mess, but I told him I’d get it, and he picked up Cole, who immediately stopped screaming. Joe read to the boys and then took them upstairs to play, while I cleaned up. Joe also had a talk with our oldest son, on why we don’t throw pop cans. 🙂 It took half-an-hour to clean everything up.

Later while I was cleaning up Ryan’s bedtime snack dishes, he gave me a big hug and said, “I love you Mommy.” Then when I was putting on his pajamas he told me I was his number one girl. I don’t know where he picked that up from, but it melted my heart. I really do have a sweet little boy, who is very good. This was just a very bad day for an accident to happen, but under the circumstances I am happy that I didn’t yell at him, or lose my temper.

This is the type of day as a mother you can’t prepare for- you just find yourself in the middle of this tempest, like a hurricane, with more and more problems brewing, and gaining momentum. You can’t predict these days, you just have to go with it, and hope in the heat of the moment when you think you have taken all you can take, and then more and more crap happens, you can get through it the best you can, without taking it out on your children.

I have to admit that I am so glad these 24 hours are over, and Cole has stopped vomiting. Even though only one can of Coke exploded, I threw away the other can, and it will be a long, long, time before pop cans make another appearance around two little boys in our house.

Breastfeeding Cole Health Mothering Ryan

Here We Go Again

Last night, Joe *had* to go to see the pro. baseball team in our state’s game- his boss bought tickets for their entire team at work.

No big deal- I was happy Joe got to go do something fun and get a break, even if it was work related.

He hadn’t been gone more than ten minutes, when Cole started crying. I thought he was hungry, and I was making dinner, so I gave him a mini graham cracker to tie him over. He also started drinking a lot of water- which I contributed to him being hot from playing outside- it was in the upper 90’s!

A few moments after he ate his snack, he threw up. He seemed better so he ate a little bit of dinner, but then couldn’t keep it down. Ryan saw him getting ready to up-chuck, and ran out of the kitchen saying, “Yuck, I don’t want to smell that- I’m getting out of here!”

I couldn’t blame him. On top of that I promised Ryan I would take him to a new McDonald’s that just opened with a brand new play area. He kept asking me, while I was cleaning up after Cole, who was crying and clinging to me, when we were going to “Mc-O-Donald’s,” as he calls it.

Try explaining to a 3.5 year old why you can’t take him to a playground when his brother is sick. He had every possible reason why we could go, which is good he is thinking through situations, but not really what I wanted to hear at the moment.

He was finally resigned to not going, but an hour later, Cole seemed back to normal. He had rosy cheeks again, was running around and playing, and seemed fine. So I decided to risk it and take them to play.

Ryan wanted to play first and then get some ice cream, and they both had fun, and there was a smaller kid area that Cole loved. He seemed fine. After 45-minutes, we got some ice cream, and I didn’t really want Cole to have any, but again try telling a 15 month old he can’t have any ice cream when his brother is having some. He seemed contented to have very small bites and he didn’t eat more than 2 tablespoons.

As we were leaving, I was holding Cole and the tray, and he started to dribble. I was praying he wouldn’t up-chuck all over me in the restaurant. He didn’t there, but when we got home, the second we were in the house, we were in for another round.

At this point I knew he has some type of bug. I gave both boys a bath, and Cole seemed happy as a clam. I told Ryan he could watch a Barney DVD, while I put Cole to sleep. As I was lifting Cole up, round 4 started. Of course this time it was all over the carpet as well.

So I cleaned up Cole, and then cleaned up the carpet and finally got Cole to sleep, without nursing much. He still nurses to sleep, but I obviously didn’t want him to do that, since he couldn’t keep anything down. He nursed a few minutes, and did manage to keep the milk down.

He woke up at 3, hungry so I gave him a little water, and he kept that down, so I gave him a little toast, and he kept that down as well. We got back to sleep at 5, and then we were up at 7, when Ryan woke up.

Cole did fine all morning. He wasn’t that interested in eating but he did eat some banana and little dry cereal. I thought he was better, but at 11, he threw up everything again. URG!

I hope this doesn’t keep up. He has never vomited this long before- he is taking a nap and seems to be keeping breastmilk down, so I know he won’t get dehydrated and maybe it will satisfy his tummy a little. Thank goodness for nursing- I don’t know what I would be doing if he wasn’t nursing, since he can’t keep water down.

I hope this isn’t another long, drawn out virus. Hopefully he just has a stomach bug and he’ll be better soon. I am participating in a local kid’s item consignment sale this weekend, and have over 100 items to still finish putting tags on before tomorrow. We’ll see if I make it. 🙂

*********WARNING*********

***************************************************

WARNING