Category: Mothering

Categories
Cancer Family & Friends Health losing a parent Mothering Parenting

April 18th- Birthday and Cancer

 

Birthday and cancer may seem like an odd title, but April 18th, would have been my mom’s 63rd birthday.  She passed away 2 years ago, and I can’t help but think about her today. Losing a parent never really goes away.  There are always reminders, birthdays, holidays, and family events that tend to make you stop and remember.  Fortunately, I have a lot of happy memories of her, and that is what I like to remember about her.

I actually skipped the cemetery visit today. I’ve always gone on her birthday, and death anniversary. But this year, I don’t feel the need.  I know she is in a better place, and even though her remains are buried, I don’t think her spirit is in the cemetery. Her spirit is in the memories my siblings and I have of her, and in our children.  People often tell me what great kids I have, and credit that to my mom.  She was a good mom, and I model a lot of my parenting after my mom.  When I’m facing parenting issues I have no idea on how to handle, I think back to what she did, and 9 times out of 10 it works with my kids.

So today, in her honor, I’m going to spend some extra time with Ryan and Cole, and tell them a story about when I was a little girl with my mom. I have the picture books she put together, and I’m going to find the book with my first trip to Disneyland, when I was 6, and show those pictures to the boys, and tell them what I remember about it and my mom.  I think that will do more to honor her spirit and teach my boys about their Nana, then going to the cemetery.

April 18, 2009 was the day I received the phone call from my doctor that changed my life- forever.  I was told I had thyroid cancer. That day seemed so long ago, and yet, it seems like it was yesterday. I remember wondering what was going to happen to my boys. I remember my family and friends telling me I was going to beat this, and be okay.  I remember being the most scared I ever was.  I remember crying for hours and then stopping.  Getting dressed and going out with my family and friends.  Being normal, in an abnormal situation.   Knowing I had to for my kids.  Nothing else mattered. They needed their mom- every child does. I remember that night resolving no matter what, I was going to fight and do whatever I needed to do, to fight cancer, get healthy, and live so my kids didn’t have to grow up without me.

It isn’t always been easy. I have to do follow up visits every time this year, that stress me out and bring up all the “what if’s,” again. But, three years after a cancer diagnosis, with the help, support, and love of my kids, family, and friends, what I envisioned as hope, three years ago, is a reality.

I wish I had time to respond to all the emails I get from thyroid cancer patients, but I just don’t anymore.  I am planning to write another post soon, addressing a lot of comments, questions, and issues, I’ve received in emails.  I haven’t written about cancer in a long time, but this date is significant for me.  No one knows what is around the corner, but those of us who have had cancer, happen to know some of what we need to deal with.  My boyfriend, John, pointed out to me this past week, I know what I am dealing with, and can stay on top of it. It actually does make it easier in some respects.

The only way cancer wins out is if it steals your spirit from you. There were days when I was fighting cancer, I didn’t care if I was alive or not. Then I remembered my kids and family.  Let them be your strength.  Let people help you.  Even though it is a battle, thyroid cancer is curable.  Don’t let it take your passion, drive, and optimism away.

One of my favorite things I read when I was fighting cancer was, “Cancer is a word. Not a sentence.” Sometimes it is easy to let it become a sentence, but it doesn’t help you in the long term.  Three years ago, as I was crying on my bed for hours, I would have never imagined I would be in the best health of my life, cancer free, biking, 30+ miles, placing in competitive running races, and thriving, within a few short years.

I want anyone who is fighting cancer, to know life is what you make of it- cancer or no cancer. Don’t let it become your “sentence.” Fight with everything you have to keep it a word.  Fight with all you have, and then some, to beat it.  It is hard at times- most things worthwhile are.  But, three years later I can tell you, from being there and back, it is one of the most important things you will ever do.

My mom passed away before I got my cancer free diagnosis last year.  But she saw me fight it, and continuing to live my life.  One of the last conversations I had with her in the hospice, she held my hand with what little strength she had left, and told me I was fine. She told me to keep running; she could see how strong it was making me.  She said she knew the cancer was gone- she said I was just too strong for it to survive- I was stronger than cancer. She was right.

Happy Birthday, Mom.  I love you.

To all my thyroid cancer fighters and survivors: Keep fighting! Cancer is a word. Not a sentence.

Categories
ACS Blogger Advisory Council Cancer Mothering Parenting

In Memory of Susan Niebur

I found out yesterday that a mother I know of two young boys, who was fighting a very aggressive form of breast cancer, inflammatory breast cancer, had passed away.

It shouldn’t have been such a shock- Dr. Susan Niebur has been writing about her battle with cancer for years, on her blog, Toddler Planet.  She had already survived almost 5 years since she was diagnosed with IBC, and had lived almost 3 years beyond the time most IBC patients live.  Susan herself realized, one day she wasn’t going to be here- but that was always one day in the future.

I met Susan in 2010 in New York- we served on the American Cancer Blogger Advisory Council, and we had a meeting the day before the BlogHer conference.  Susan had an aura to her.  I knew the first moment I met her, she was fighting cancer. I didn’t know what kind, or the details, but she didn’t focus on that.   I remember when we were taking a tour of the Hope Lodge, she had to rest on the bed in one of the rooms.  I remember thinking at the time, having just fought thyroid cancer a year before, I was so lucky- that the cancer I had was very treatable and curable.  Yet, I was amazed that Susan was even there- working on a cause she believed in.

And at the time, she made me think. Not by saying a word, but by her just being there, living her life, doing what she wanted. It was such a powerful example for me.  Some people will never have to endure a sliver of what Susan went through, just to get a few more years of life.

It is so easy to take what we have for granted.  To complain about the small things, worry about really trivial things.  I realized I was lucky- for whatever reason. It could have been, just as easily me with IBC, fighting to live.  I had a second chance to live my life, and not have to battle every day just to live.  I didn’t have to lie down on a bed to rest, after walking down a hallway.  When I heard her speak in the meeting, and give some background into her condition, she didn’t have to say it- I knew she going to die- someday. But that day was far off.  She was strong, and determined. She had two little boys who needed their mother.

I followed Susan’s blog loosely the past year and a half since the day I met her.  If am to be honest, her blog made me uncomfortable.  I loved her words- she was such a gifted writer. But something about having a condition that can claim your life, shift your foundation, it hit too close to home for me. I don’t like to think about dying, and it breaks my heart to hear about cancer patients who have to fight so hard just to make it to another day, and to think about the children who will be left without their mother.

In some way I wanted to keep the vision I had of Susan in New York- she absolutely glowed when she was speaking, sharing her ideas, and working with people. I wanted to remember that about her.  She gave me hope and was an example to me, that no matter what comes your way because of cancer, you can make the most with whatever time you have left.

I read the last post Susan wrote on her blog, on January 22nd.  I saw it linked from my friend’s Facebook update.  My heart sank as I read her post- hospice was coming to her home, but Susan was still fighting. She wasn’t ready to call it quits or say good-bye yet.

I checked her blog daily, since January 22.  The one day I did not check it, Monday, was the day Susan’s battle with cancer ended.  I received an email from BlogHer yesterday their thoughts were with Susan Niebur’s family, and I knew she was gone.  That one day- that seemed so far off, had arrived.

Susan made me realize again yesterday, how precious life is, and how lucky I am- how lucky we all are really.  Not everyone survives cancer.  Not everyone has the quality of life they had before cancer. But everyone can live their life in the best way they can, and we can appreciate the small things. Being alive to give your child a hug. Telling your friends and family you love them. Following your passions.  Living your dreams.

Susan was an  astrophysicist, and had worked at NASA headquarters. She wrote numerous academic papers, but her mantra on her blog for her life was simple. It was, “All that survives after our death are publications and people. So look carefully after the words you write, the thoughts and publications you create, and how you love others.  For these are the only things that will remain.”

For the short time I met Susan and worked with her, it will stay with me forever.  She was a great voice for cancer awareness, and surviving cancer.  She will be missed, and my deepest sympathies to her family and friends.

I found this a few weeks ago for another friend, whose mother had passed away, and I thought of it yesterday for Susan. The stars were one of Susan’s passions.

Rest in Peace, Susan.

“Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.”

Author: Unknown

You can make a donation in Susan’s honor at The Inflammatory Breast Cancer Research Foundation

You can read more on Susan’s legacy at Care2 Make a Difference

Categories
Cole Current Events Mothering Parenting Ryan

Thoughts On Tim Tebow

I like football.  I grew up with my dad and my brother watching it.  I lived in New Mexico until I was eight, and my dad and brother always watched Denver Bronco games-  they were our adopted home team.

When my parents moved to Colorado in the 80’s naturally the Broncos became our family’s team.  I remember learning the game and rules of football from my dad and brother in our den on Sunday afternoons.

I remember “The Drive,” from John Elway as really being the first time I was amazed at football.  I had just seen a quarterback go 98 yards with minutes left, and the team ended up winning. No one thought they could do it. Everyone had counted them out- except them, as John Elway told his teammates in the huddle on their own two yard line, “We got ‘em right where we want ‘em.” 

When the Broncos finally won their first Super Bowl against Green Bay, it was monumental for Colorado.  Living in one of the biggest sports towns in the country, I don’t think there will ever be a championship that meant more to the fans, or will ever rival the emotion of that first Super Bowl victory for Denver.  The Broncos weren’t supposed to have won that game either.  But the poise and leadership of John Elway had won out in the end.

As I think back about growing up watching football, and specifically the Broncos, it was a different time.  John Elway, who was any Bronco fan’s idol, was a person of character.  He worked hard. He had a family. He was someone kids could look up to-and did. The thought of him being caught with a gun outside a nightclub, running an illegal dog fighting ring, being charged with domestic violence, whining on the sidelines,  or having a 40 million dollar drug operation on the side, would have never crossed our minds in a million years.

Fast forward to today, and I have pretty much come to hate all professional sports.  It is sad really.  In the span of about 20 years, there are very few sport athletes I would want my boys to even know who they are, let alone look up to.  For that reason I follow sports very lightly now, and have hardly ever even watched a professional sports game with my kids. Being a Bronco fan though, I have kept up with it all.

I don’t have to recap all the ups and downs- mainly downs- the Broncos have been through since John Elway retired in 1999. The one thing that I always noticed though, was the spark seemed to be gone.  No one seemed “hungry” to win. Oh, there were some good moments and good games, but the leadership and motivation seemed to be lacking on a consistent basis since Elway retired.

Until now.  I was NOT happy about Tim Tebow being drafted to the Broncos.  I didn’t think they needed another quarterback, and it seemed like a power play with the then coach, Josh McDaniels, and the then quarterback, Jay Cutler.

At the start of this year, I wasn’t convinced.  To be fair, his “Tebowing” and display of Christianity was odd to me.  It seemed like an act- like he was trying to win over the fans with an “alter boy” image. In a day and age where most professional ball players are concerned with number 1: their endorsements, status, women, and money, a young, good looking, quarterback professing his faith in the Lord after a touchdown, just didn’t fit the mold for what we have grown used to seeing.  I half expected him to be busted with a prostitute and drugs his first few weeks here.

As the weeks went on and Tim Tebow continued to play, we all watched.  We shook our heads.  We didn’t believe it.  We wanted to believe Tim Tebow could really be for real-but is he?  I let my boys start watching games.  I noticed the team seemed revived and hungry again to win. I saw the spark back.  I saw Tim Tebow doing his thing, and always giving praise not to himself, but to whom he felt he deserved it. Yes, that includes his Lord and teammates.  I saw his locker room interviews where he is soft spoken and polite- week after week. If it is an act, he shouldn’t be playing football- he should be an actor.

I realized a few weeks ago, Tim Tebow is a football player, but he is also someone of character.  Someone who works hard, and someone kids- my kids- can look up to. Not as a football player who makes a lot of money for playing, but as someone who works hard, hangs in there, stays true to himself, motivates others, and doesn’t give up.

I told my boys tonight as we were watching the Broncos and Steelers game, that it didn’t matter who won, because both teams were playing their best, and that is what really matters- that you do your best.   I told them as overtime started, I thought the Broncos were going to win, because they believed in themselves- you could see it by the way they were playing.  My boys loved watching Tim Tebow, and  Ryan was jumping up and down, and cheering his head off at the end of the game.

I felt good my boys can watch a football game like that, and cheer for Tim Tebow, and I don’t have to worry about hearing him shooting someone in a club tonight in the post game party.  It’s nice to know even when they lose he still displays good sportsmanship. I don’t know what will happen with the Broncos, and Tim Tebow, but it is fun to enjoy the moment again.

Odd as it is, as I was tucking the boys in tonight and they told me again, they couldn’t believe that pass Tim Tebow made, it dawned on me that there has been a lesson here all along.  I told my kids about it, without even realizing it at the time.  It is one a lot of people in Denver are saying: Believe.

Maybe we have all grown too cynical to really believe working hard pays off anymore- most of the time it isn’t what you know but whom you know to get ahead.  Maybe we’ve grown accustomed to character flaws when the going gets tough.  But in my little corner of the world, this Tim Tebow seems to defy that.  He wasn’t supposed to do any of the things he’s accomplished this year.  We might have stopped or never believed in the first place, but he does.

Whatever happens with football, it is a game. As a mother, I wish there were more professional athletes our kids could have as heroes, because I do think sports mirror life a lot of times.  If the worst Tim Tebow does is go down on a knee to do his “Tebowing” after a score,  I’d much rather explain that to my kids, as I have done,  than explaining why he is in jail for committing a crime.

It isn’t just about winning a football game, but the character and mind set you need to have to keep believing, and staying true to yourself when things are tough.  It’s easy to forget at times- we all have moments of self doubt. But as I saw the sparkle in my boys’ eyes tonight, I have to conclude sometimes reminders are found in places we would never expect- like from a Denver Broncos quarterback.

Categories
Holidays Mothering

‘Twas The Night of Christmas Decorating For A Working Mom

I came up with this tonight, while I was cleaning up from Christmas decorating.  It was a lot of work, after a long day.  Good thing the end results are worth it.  It’s officially Christmas now at our house!

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, every ornament was hung, from here to there. 

When Mom thought she was done, the children begged her to hang more lights just for fun.  

While visions of sugarplums danced in their heads, Mom secretly hoped it would soon be time for the children to go to bed, so the decorating could end.

When the children were nestled all snug in their beds, “Finally, the decorating is done,“ Mom said. 

She collapsed on the couch, and thought with all work at the holidays she need the help of an elf. She looked around at all the lights in the dark, and smiled in spite of herself.

The house was quite cheery, and it was a beautiful site. 

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Categories
Cole Holidays Mothering Parenting Ryan

“Mom, Is Santa Real?”

I was making dinner tonight when Ryan, who will be 8 next month, walked into the kitchen and asked flat out, “Mom, is Santa real?” I froze.  I had no warning or idea this was going to be a question that needed to be answered for a few years at least, let alone right now.  A million thoughts flashed through my mind in the few seconds it took me to process his question. The biggest one of course was, ‘What am I going to tell him?’

I grew up as a Jehovah’s Witness, where we didn’t celebrate holidays, Christmas included. My parents at the time, told me flat out Santa was a lie parents told their children. The “church” also pointed out that “Santa” rearranged is “Satan.”  I never received gifts from Santa, and never faced the question if he was real.   My parents relaxed some of their views years later, my mom even left the religion and we celebrated a few very happy Christmases before she passed away.  But, I realized I was never left an example to fall back on regarding how and what to tell a child about Santa.

Since I never was allowed to celebrate Christmas as a child, I have lived it for the first times, mainly through the eyes of my children.  Christmas has been some of the happiest times and best memories I have so far of the boys.  It is magical. The excitement they have when they see the presents Santa has left for them under the tree- there is nothing like it.

I also think, part of the excitement is in realizing there is something good and positive which is “bigger” than them, at work.  I think it fills their hearts with a sense of security in knowing there is this nice man who just brings good kids presents.  It is simple- simple for young children to accept and believe.  Not so simple as the children get older.

I asked Ryan if he believed Santa was real, and he said, “No.”  I quickly tried to relay the idea of Santa , before Cole came downstairs and heard. I tried to tell him Santa is everywhere if you believe.  He started to cry in frustration.  I told him we would talk about it after dinner, when Cole was playing.

I thought about all through dinner and asked my friends on Facebook for advice.  After dinner, I took him in my room, shut the door, and cuddled with him on my bed.  I still didn’t really know what to say, but sometimes all you can do is follow what your heart tells you.  I took a deep breath, and told Ryan I had something to tell him about Santa.  I told him it was only for him to know right now, and he couldn’t tell Cole, or any other kids at school.

His face lit up. So far so good. I told him Christmas is a magical time of year when we all get reminders of love. One way people do that is by giving each other gifts.  I told him Santa helps the parents give gifts to their children.  He asked, “So you are Santa?”

I didn’t want to lie to Ryan but I didn’t want to quash his hopes and belief in the good Santa stands for.  In an instant it became clear to me and I said, “We are all Santa, Ryan. The parents help Santa with presents and Santa helps the parents.  Santa is the good, magical, and love in all of us, and this gets shown so much at Christmas.  Santa needs all of our help to do this everyday, but especially at Christmas.”

He looked a little confused and I continued, “Do you know how happy you feel when you help me, or do something nice for Cole?”  He told me yes. “Well, you are being like Santa when you do these things.  You are giving to people, and that is what Santa is all about. So I think he is very real, because if you look for him, you will see him every day, not just at Christmas.”

He said he felt better and I told him he was old enough now to be trusted with this.  I told him little kids like Cole though, don’t think of all the questions he has, so this year he gets to help Santa with Cole.

He smiled and gave me a hug, and I told him once more before we opened the door, that this was an important thing to know, and Santa was counting on him now.  He said he knew, nodded his head, and off he went to play with Cole.

I realized later tonight, in the almost seven years since my baby had his first Christmas, it itsn’t entirely up to me anymore to have him believe in Santa.  He is becoming his own person, with his own ideas and thoughts.  He will have to decide for himself what he thinks about Santa.

I hope some of what I told him, helped him get a grasp that Santa may not be an actual guy in a red suit, with reindeer, who comes down a chimney.  I think that was the part he was having a hard time believing.  But I hope it opened up to him the ideas of what Santa really is, if he believes.

Ryan's First Christmas, 2004