Category: Mothering

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Breastfeeding c-sections Health Mothering Pregnancy & Birth

C-Sections- Five Years and Beyond- (Part 1)

Cross Posted on BlogHer

Five years has past since my first and only C-section.  I shared my experience, and my feelings about my C-section last week in the post, My C-section- Five Years Later.  This was the third part in a series of C-section posts I have written.  The first post in the series, The Reality of C-sections, has generated a wide variety of thoughts, feelings, and comments.  One comment that kept coming up was, my experience was only one out of millions.  Some readers felt that in no way, was my experience the only reality of a C-section. 

I agree.  No two C-sections are the same, just as no two births are the same.  I decided to interview a random sample of women, who had given birth by C-section five years ago or longer.  I wanted to find out how women felt about their C-sections after time had passed.  

I put the call out on Twitter, for any woman willing to answer my questions about their C-section, five years ago or longer.  At the time, I had about 2,500 followers, and posted the tweet over several days, at different times, hoping to get a wide range of women who would respond.  Some asked what angle I was looking for, but I told them the truth- I wasn’t looking for any angle- I just wanted their true feelings and thoughts.  Ten women answered my questions.     

 I was fascinated, surprised, shocked, and shed a few tears over their C-section experiences.  I have struggled on how to present their stories to you, and have decided not to.  I am going to let their own words tell you their experiences.

Brenna lives in Oregon, and owns Clementinenw.com.  Jane (not her real name) asked to remain anonymous, and is the owner of  a family magazine.  Kristi has an on-line shop, Zuzugirlhandmade.com. Emily, was the first woman to respond to my request.  Renae blogs at Life Nurturing Education.  Beth G. is the owner of the site, Confessions of a Mom. Justine runs the website, JulianArts, which provides state-of-the-heart-education during the birth years and beyond.  Beth S. blogs at Savvy Saving Mom.   Natalie, who lives in Texas, and blogs at Tell Me About It, and Jill blogs at Writing My Life One Blog at a Time.

This post is broken into two parts.  Here is part one of these women’s experiences with their C-sections:

How did you feel about your birth experience with your C-section, during the first year post-partum?

Brenna– “I was disappointed that it didn’t work out the way that I had wanted though, [I] felt that there were several circumstances that stacked the cards against me. I didn’t have my doctor as she was out of town. They had to induce with Pitocin because my water broke and labor did not really start on its own. I felt like my water broke before my son was ready to be born. Because of those things I wondered if everything was done in the best way for me and my son, although I tried not to play “what if” too much since I couldn’t go back and change anything. I did feel very lucky to have had a happy and healthy baby.”

Jane– “I was always sad when I thought about it because the hospital where it was performed kept Mom and baby apart during recovery. I didn’t get to hold my baby for more than 5 hours after he was born. And while I was in recovery, my husband kept coming in to check on me and I got so mad at him for leaving our baby alone!!! I was beside myself that our little one had only been on this planet for a few hours and he was all by himself!!! Right after he was born in the operating room, they put him by my face – but I couldn’t touch him – arms are stabilized. Very, very sad. I licked his little head a little bit – just so I could make contact with him.”

Kristi– “I went through a terribly long and painful labor with inadequate medical attention.  My first c-section came at a point in the labor that I was so exhausted and  scared and really just wanted the baby out.  I did not have any regrets and honestly didn’t think about it much!”

Emily– “For the most part I felt ok about my birth experience with my C-section during that first year after it. I went through a few moments every so often where I thought that I hadn’t gone through real labor and therefore may have missed something. But those moments were few and far between.”

Justine– “I was pretty traumatized. I really felt (and still do) that the OB was trying to “teach me a lesson” about my situation. I was a teen mother, but a well informed one. I wanted natural childbirth, and planned to breastfeed…etc. I asked a lot of questions and didn’t really care if the OB liked me or not. He gave me a vertical outer incision, for no reason that anyone has been able to explain since. It runs from my navel to my pubic bone and is still very raised, bright red, puffy, and ropey even 20 years later.  When any health care provider sees it, they usually gasp and ask if i was in an accident. When i tell them that it is from my c/s, a few have accused me of lying. They say “no doctor would do that” But indeed, one did. At my 6 week visit, when i asked if the scar was going to heal alright, the OB said “well, i guess motherhood isn’t going to be as fun and glamorous as you thought it was” Nice guy.  So, it is really difficult for me to separate the c/s from the treatment from the OB. He was judgmental and rude, and I can’t help but feel that he acted out his judgment on my belly and created a scenario in which his predictions about my parenting abilities would be likely to come true.”

Did you suffer from complications from your C-section? (infections, torn stitches, long recovery, numbness, pain, emotional issues, etc.)

Renae– “I did not have any medical issues with my first c-section. (After my 3rd, [c-section] infection set in.)  Having a c-section was the opposite of the birth I planned though, so disappointment resided in my heart for awhile. It didn’t take long for that to slip away. It was worth it to give my son every chance for life.”

Jill– “1996 numbness lasted months. Still have some parts that are not fully recovered. 2003 infection from incision, pulled stitches.”

Natalie– “After my first C-section I had some major gas issues.  I know that is a problem after many deliveries, but it was bad.  They kept telling me if I would pass gas they would feed me real food instead of just broth.  I just couldn’t do it.  I ended up having a procedure to help alleviate the pain I was in.  I also ran a fever. 

There was some numbness in the scar area after all of them, but it wasn’t anything different from what one would feel after any other invasive surgery.

My 4th and final C-section came with complications.  After each successive C-section scar tissue built up.  It took longer to get to the babies each time.  During my final C-section I was given a spinal instead of an epidural.  That was different than all the other deliveries.  Right after they gave me the shot the woman in the room next to me needed to have an emergency C-section right then.  We had the same doctor so he went to deliver her baby.  When he came back they checked me to make sure I was still numb.  I gave them the go ahead to proceed with the surgery.  Unfortunately because there was so much scar tissue in the way of the baby I started to feel things way before the surgery was over.  When they actually got to my daughter I felt like my insides were being ripped out.  The poor anesthesiologist felt horrible.  He got a shot ready to put in the IV to put me out completely as soon as they had her out.  I was having a tubal ligation as well so it was still going to be a bit before my surgery was done.  I saw my daughter for a couple of seconds before I fell asleep.  I don’t remember how long it was before I actually had a chance to hold my daughter, but since it was my 4th C-section I knew I would have plenty of time with her.  Those first couple of hours weren’t going to make or break our relationship.”

Beth G.– “No, I didn’t have any complications.”

Beth S.– “I remember feeling a little “ripped off” after the fact, for not having the total birth experience. But it was always a vanishing thought because I knew that the C-Section had become necessary and was done for all the right reasons. My overwhelming joy toward my first born always overpowered any thoughts of sadness or negativity.”

Do you feel your C-section interfered at all or delayed bonding with your baby?

Justine– “YES! Although I was committed to breastfeeding, the nurses had already bottle fed my son several time before I saw him. They fed him sugar water, and formula, and sterile water…it was terrible. And frankly, i was too drugged up to do much about it. That episode of impotence set the tone for many weeks of my early parenting experience. I looked to experts to give me the final answer when it came to parenting choices because I had no faith in my body, there was almost no trust between my baby and I, and it was so hard. Finally, I found a LLL and began to strengthen my skills. Thank goodness! But it was only once I ditched the medical model that parenting became anything but this overwhelming, scary responsibility. I found my footing, and my son and I got on track. I still wonder if and how it might have damaged our long term relationship though.”

Jill– “No, not really. With the 1996 [c-section] I had difficulty breastfeeding. It lasted 4 weeks and [then we] gratefully switched to formula. I bonded better with the baby once I was not in pain from breastfeeding and the c-section.

Brenna– “I really don’t. I was able to breastfeed my son within the first hour, which I think helped immensely. He also stayed in the room with us at all times. Luckily my husband was great and was able to change him and bring him to me when I wanted. I just held him for most of the time until I got too tired. We bonded very quickly.”

Renae– “Yes. My son was whisked to the neonatal unit 2 hours away, and I had to stay in the hospital to recover.”

Beth S.– “They brought me my son while I was in recovery, but I was so out of it that I couldn’t totally enjoy that small moment that we had. I took comfort sending my husband out to go be with him until I was fully awake and in my room. Yeah, I was unhappy about that! In that sense, the bonding was delayed. But there were no repercussions from that except for my own unhappiness. I didn’t get to nurse him until the next day either, but that didn’t cause any physical or latching on problems. Just my own discontent!”

 How long was it after your C-section before you felt “back to normal?”

Kristi– “It was much harder to recover from my first c-section in ’03.  They used big metal staples that had to be removed.  I had far more pain the first time around and spent four days in the hospital.  The second time around I was begging to leave on day three and they let me go.  I did not take any pain killers after leaving the hospital with either birth.  It’s hard to recall but I think the pain getting up and down lasted about two weeks.”

Natalie– “Well I felt mostly fine as soon as I got home.  I have a pretty high pain tolerance.  With my 2nd I was the maid of honor in a wedding 11 days later.  I was sore of course, but I didn’t let the fact that I had a C-section stop me from doing what I wanted.  I had my 3rd C-section on a Tuesday and was in church on Sunday.  Other than a few headaches I recovered fairly quickly.”

Emily– “I don’t remember but I didn’t feel like it was awful. It was definitely a number of weeks. Because I never had anything but a C-section I have little to compare my recovery to, but I do know that the epidural I had during the first one took much longer to recover from than the spinal block I got for my second one. At the time of my first C-section I lived in a three-story apartment: door on ground level, kitchen on second level, bedrooms and bathrooms on top level. So that whole you can’t walk up and down stairs thing really wasn’t working for me.”

Beth S.– “I think it took a while! For the longest time I kept feeling like my insides might fall out if I got up wrong! I remember slowly starting to do things again like cleaning the house, etc. I probably took longer out of my own fears.”

Justine– “It was about a year before I felt like I was used to the new state of things. I lost the “weight” within a few months, but the scar was/is a lingering issue for me. I have spent 20 years being deeply embarrassed and ashamed of my stomach…so “back to normal” for me never happened. But I was able to participate in exercise and normal activities without pain within 6 months.”

Was your C-section planned or scheduled?

Jill– “The first was unplanned, but not an emergency.  The second and third were planned.”

Renae– “Emergency c-section. I was not awake for the birth of my baby and didn’t see him until I was released from the hospital 3 days later.”

Justine– “No. My waters broke at 6am. I was making progress and had reached 6cms by about 5:30pm that night. However, ‘hospital policy’ at the time was that there was a 12 hour time limit on ruptured membranes. I had the c-section at 6pm and the staff got to get home by 7pm on a Saturday night.  How convenient!”

Emily– “My C-section was an emergency. I was given cervadilon Monday evening, threw up all night long, was given pitocin on Tuesday morning, started pushing sometime around Jeopardy, pushed for an hour, he wouldn’t turn his head in the right direction (he wasn’t breech, but was facing up when she should have been facing down), so the doctor told me I should just go for the C-section.”

Beth S.- “Mine was not planned. According to my Dr., my son was 10 days overdue and his amniotic fluid was lessening. I went to the hospital for a stress test after which time they decided to admit me to induce labor. I was induced for a day with no results. My son started showing signs of distress on the heart monitor, so it was decided that a C-Section was necessary.”

I will have the second part of these interviews posted next week.  Please check back, and I would love to hear any comments you have.  Feel free to share your own experiences as well.

Categories
c-sections Cole Health Me Mothering Pregnancy & Birth Ryan

My C-section-Five Years Later

Ryan, my oldest son, turned five in January.  It also marked the fifth anniversary of my only major surgery- a Cesarean or C-section.

I have written and shared my experience with my C-section in a few posts.  The post, The Reality of C-Sections, is by far, the most read post on my blog.  It averages 700 page views a month.  Its follow up post, Recovering After a C-Section, is the third highest read post on A Mama’s Blog. 

In the fifteen months since I wrote The Realty of C-Sections, the comments have varied a lot- from readers supporting my views, and expressing similar experiences, to readers who have nothing but the most positive and wonderful C-section experiences.  There were many readers who felt I was portraying all C-sections in a negative light, and I was scaring women.  I added a prelude to the post in September, to address this issue. 

The comments have shown me that no two women’s birth experiences are the same.  It has also taught me that no matter what side of this issue you fall on, the feelings involved are real, and authentic.  Finally, by the amount of page views these posts receive, there is a lot of interest in the subject.    

Five years later, I still feel that my C-section should not have happened.  Ryan was breech, and that was the only reason for my C-section.  Years ago, breech babies were delivered vaginally.   Breech deliveries were no big deal, and doctors performed breech deliveries all the time.  It seems unconscionable in the 2000’s, doctors are no longer being taught breech deliveries in medical school, and the only option offered when a baby is breech, is major abdominal surgery.  I feel like the medical community failed me in this regard.  An OB/GYN ought to be able to perform a vaginal breech baby delivery, if there are no other reasons warranting a C-section, besides the baby being in a breech position.  

I am still resentful that the medical community approaches breech baby births as a “problem” which the only solution for is major surgery.  This is a huge psychological aspect that has taken me a long time to resolve.  No one has major surgery unless there is a major problem.  Having a baby in a breech position, usually does not present a major medical issue in itself.   Having been there, I heard a C-section is the only safe way to deliver my breech baby, and it subconsciously affected me. It frightened me.  I thought if my baby was born breech, it was not safe.  It also made me feel like there was something wrong with me and my body because my baby would not turn. The only way to “fix” this was to have major surgery. 

My doctor told me after Ryan was born that his umbilical cord was short, and it was wrapped around his wrist several times, more than likely preventing him to turn.  She told me there was a reason he didn’t turn.  That amazed me.  Thinking about that over the months, I came to realize that my body and Ryan’s body were working exactly as they should be.  There was no “problem.”  His cord was too short and if he had kept trying to turn, he could have gotten the cord even more twisted around him.  I can’t be sure, but I believe there is something in a baby that if it can’t make that turn it knows it is not safe to do so.  By Ryan not turning and remaining in a breech position, it probably prevented more complex problems.  I don’t understand why doctors can say something like this after a birth, but before the birth it is presented as a problem and a high risk delivery.

I am mad at myself that I accepted a C-section was the solution to this “problem.”  I wish I would have done more research and had more confidence in my body.  But in the state I live in, Colorado, even midwives cannot attend a birth that they know is breech- it is against the law.  It still makes me sad that we have come to this point, where more or less, a woman’s only choice for delivering a known breech baby is a C-section. I am still upset for the time I lost to the recovery.  I felt so bad for so long, and had so much pain.  Even five years later, if I move in a different way, I feel pain in my abdomen. 

However, I don’t think about the C-section as much as I used to.   All numbness in the scar area has faded.  I was really worried I was going to be numb at the incision point forever.  All the redness at the incision site is gone too.  Today, it is a very small, thin, white line. I barely notice it anymore. 

But the biggest affect on me from my C-section, to be perfectly honest, was I felt cheated out of the birth experience. I know not every woman feels this, but I did.  I wanted to experience childbirth by being in labor, and I feel it was taken away from me.  The experience of childbirth- with my first baby- I will never get that again.  I lost that, not because of a true medical emergency, but because of the way the birthing business is run today.  I was left to process it, and to make peace with the experience I did have. 

One of the biggest events that helped me in this regard was attempting a VBAC (vaginal birth after Cesarean) with my second son, Cole, in 2006.  I was in labor for over 40 hours. I hadn’t slept during this time.  I had a few complications arise.  I was “stuck” at 4 cm. for several hours, and Cole was faced the wrong way for birth.  I was told if I wasn’t dilated to 10 cm. in the next hour, and if Cole hadn’t flipped back around.  I would be facing a C-section.  When I heard that, something that was more powerful than a surgeon’s knife kicked in, and I told myself I could do it.  My husband and doula encouraged me too.  I knew at this point I had to be strong and confident, and this time it was up to me how my baby was going to be born.     

After the hour was up- I knew.  I knew before the nurse checked me that I would be at 10 cm. and Cole’s head would be in the right position for birth, and it was.  They told me it was remarkable after being “stuck” for so long, that I was now fully dilated. 

I pushed with Cole for two hours. It was the hardest thing, physically, I have ever done.  My contractions lasted two to three minutes, and they told me they normally last about 30 seconds.  When I thought I couldn’t push anymore, I would feel another contraction, and I had to find it in me to push again.  Even though I was beyond exhausted, I knew my body was made for this, and I could do it.  I never knew I had that kind of physical endurance.  But that endurance that was in me all along.  It gave me the strength to keep going- to keep pushing- because I had to.  That endurance and strength brought me to the end, when the doctor told me to give one more push, and Cole was born.

I have never felt more proud of myself, and my body.  I was able to hold Cole right away and look over all his miraculous details.  I wasn’t tired anymore. I was euphoric. These feelings felt normal, natural, and the way it should be.  Not lying in a recovery room by myself without my baby, groggy, and barely able to move.   

I called my mom, who has four of her own children- all delivered naturally.  I cried on the phone with her as I told her I had done it- no C-section this time.  I will never forget what she said to me: “Isn’t it gratifying?  To be able to give birth to your baby- there is nothing that made me feel more powerful as a woman.”  That was exactly how I felt. Not every woman needs to feel this way, but I did.  A C-section did not allow me to experience this natural process. 

When C-sections are performed as routine, and not reserved for true medical emergencies, I feel it takes a piece of something away from women that is sacred.  The right to experience what our bodies were made to do.  The experience of childbirth can build enormous confidence in yourself, and in your body.  For some women (like myself and my mom), it goes deeper- to very essence of our power as women.  This should not be taken lightly, and I feel as the C-section rates continue to increase in this country, women are losing this right and experience. 

Having had both a C-section and a vaginal birth, I would compare my experience, to hiking up a difficult mountain you have never hiked before.  You want to climb this mountain, but it seems impossible.  It is intimidating and you aren’t sure how you are going to do it.  Many “experts”  in mountain climbing tell you it is very hard, and there could be many complications and problems.   However, many people have climbed this mountain before you, and will climb it after you.  You start to think that maybe you can do it too.  You prepare, you read up on the mountain, you buy the appropriate gear, and you take classes to help you prepare.  You have confidence that you will be able to make it to the top.  You know it won’t be easy, but you are ready to try.

Then a climbing “expert” stops you, before you even begin.  He or she tells you that you are endangering your life, because you don’t have the proper hiking boots.  They tell you this is a serious problem. You become scared.  You believe them- after all, they are the expert.  The climbing expert never offers you the proper pair of hiking boots,  but they make it very clear, the only safe way to summit the mountain is if they get a helicopter and fly you to the top.  Somehow this seems like overkill, and doesn’t really make sense, but after all- they are the expert, so you believe them, and do what they suggest.

The flight up the mountain goes fine and you are safe.  You are finally at the summit, and yet the experience doesn’t feel whole.  As you see others climbing up the mountain,  and reaching the summit, you wonder if you really could have made it, by hiking.  Even though you are happy you made it to the summit, you wonder what the experience would have been like, if you had been “allowed” to try- if you had the proper pair of hiking boots.  

I am so grateful that my VBAC was successful with Cole. It gave me back the experience of hiking to the summit of the mountain myself- which I had not been allowed to do with Ryan’s birth.  I know I can do it, and that knowledge gave me power within, that will always be with me.     

I realize I am only one person-one mother- and these are my feelings five years after my C-section.  I have interviewed several women, who have also had C-sections five years or more ago, and I will share with you their thoughts, experiences, and feelings. They are fascinating, and I plan on having the post up next Thursday.

As always, please feel free to share your own experiences, and thoughts.  Birth is different for everyone, and I think there is a great benefit in being able to share our different experiences in a respectful manner.

Categories
Activities Mothering Parenting

The Perfect Mom

Lately I have started to notice The Perfect Mom everywhere I go.  I think it is because of a book I have been reading, Life Swap, by Jane Green.  The story asks is the grass really greener on the other side, and one of the characters in the book, Amber, is The Perfect Mom. 

The town Amber lives in, Highfield Connecticut, is so competitive among the mothers- they have to have the right clothes, the right shoes, the right running-errands look, the right car, the right body, enroll their children in all the right schools and activities, the right husband, and of course make this look effortless.

Reading the book, I thought it was a little exaggerated- or was it?

I live in Northern Colorado, where thankfully, most of the mothers I know, are more concerned about making playdates for their kids, and talking to the moms there, then checking out which moms have the latest designer handbag.  But I work in Boulder, which is a lot like the town in the book.   I get out to lunch every so often and see the mom crowd at noon, with the latest baby gear, designer diaper bags, designer clothes, and they look perfect doing it.

Today I took the boys to the Children’s Museum in Denver, where for a minute I thought I was anywhere but a children’s museum– where there are children- you know- who are dirty. 

I saw more moms than not, in designer jeans, high heeled (like several inches) boots, beautiful jewelery, gorgeous sweaters, and scarves.  Their hair was perfect- their make-up was flawless, and they had the latest designer handbags. I watched them like they were from another planet, because to me they are. I find it fascinating. 

Don’t get me wrong- I like to dress up like that when I am going out to dinner, or to a movie, or to a party, or out with friends- but to take my two active boys out with dirty hands and runny noses- not so much.  I like to save my designer jeans and my ONE beautiful expensive sweater when it will not be used as a tissue by my two-and-a-half year old.

Yet I noticed something- The Perfect Mom’s children did not wipe their hands on their mother’s 7 for All Mankind Jeans.  They didn’t drool half eaten bananas on their calfskin leather boots.  Their two year olds, didn’t tug at their just-out-of -the salon haircuts.  The children certainly were not using their mothers cashmere sweaters as tissues.  I wondered what planet were these were children from?

Since Ryan and Cole love playing on the fire engine there, I get to sit and mom-watch.  As some of these perfect children belonging to The Perfect Moms from Planet Perfect started to melt down, it was back to Earth.  Even a mother in a $500 outfit for a day at the children’s museum gets that look of dread in her face when her child starts screaming and crying.  My group of mom friends just seem to go to our kids when they are crying and hug them, or pick them up.  That is why I don’t do Perfect Mom- it isn’t very practical.  It was interesting to see that I didn’t see very many Perfect Mom’s pick up or even touch their kids, while they were crying.

I am not judging- just stating an observation that I saw today.  One mom told her daughter, who was about four, and who was screaming so loudly I wanted ear-plugs, that she was going to leave if the daughter didn’t stop crying.  The daughter did not stop crying, and true to her word, the mom started to walk away- really- like out of the room.  The girl started screaming even louder and the mom didn’t come back.  She really had left.  This was upsetting to me- I can only imagine how this little girl felt.  I was ready to go comfort her, when Mom came back and the little girl was beside herself, whimpering and telling her mom she wouldn’t cry anymore. 

Everyone in the room was watching this, and it was upsetting.  I can’t judge someone by the type of clothes they wear, but I saw a few more incidents like this as well- not as extreme, but the women who were dressed perfectly, didn’t seem to pick up or touch their children- at least not when I saw them.  I am not saying that they don’t, but I just didn’t see it when I was watching today.  

As we were leaving the museum, a little boy ran right into me. His mom came over and apologized and told me she was sorry.  She immediately swooped down, and picked up her little boy and held him.  She had on jeans (probably from Old Navy) tennis shoes, and a fleece jacket.  I smiled and told her no problem- and I felt like I was back on planet Earth-for real. 

Most moms I know, myself included are not be perfect- we struggle.  If we can get dressed, get our kids dressed, and manage to get out of the house before lunch time, we are doing well.  I know the last thing on my mind some days is how I look.  One day I was out for six hours running errands with the kids and had a playdate.  At the end of the day, when I was getting undressed, I noticed my shirt was on inside out, with the label sticking out.  I wondered how many people had noticed that, or more than likely, no one had. 

Perfect moms look beautiful, poised, and put together at all times.  I admire someone who can do that, I really do.  But I would rather be able to hug my child and not risk, ruining my outfit if he happened to have dirt on his hands, or a runny nose.  If my kids can feel free to give me hugs whenever they want, then I know I am the perfect mom to them- that is all that matters- even if my shirt is on inside out.

Categories
Cancer Health Me Mothering Parenting

Results from Ultrasound

Despite us having a major blizzard in Colorado, my doctor, Dr. T., was at work and called me with the results of the ultrasound on my thyroid today.

She said the ultrasound confirmed there is a nodule on the left part of my thyroid, as she suspected.  The doctor at the hospital, who read the ultrasound, suggests that I have a biopsy on the nodule to determine if it is cancerous or not. 

Dr. T. said nine times out of ten, it is nothing- it is like a benign cyst.  She also said they would be looking for anything atypical that would suggest the startings of something cancerous.  Dr. T. is sending my file to an ear, nose, and throat doctor in town, and as soon as he gets my file I will get the biopsy scheduled- I am hoping it can be as soon as next week.  I didn’t think to ask how long after the biopsy they would have results, but I am sure it can’t be more than a few days. 

I didn’t want to hear any of this.  I was wishing Dr. T. was going to say it was nothing- I just had an odd shaped thyroid.  But, since that isn’t the case, I have to take the next step.  I know it is for my health and the odds are in my favor.  Yet, I am terrified in that little place in the back of my mind.  Someone has to be that one person who isn’t okay.  Of course I hope that isn’t me, but what if it is? 

I can’t even really go there mentally right now.  Friends and family tell me not to assume the worst.  But when you are a mother, (or a father) it is so hard. How do you look at your precious children, and not wonder if you will be healthy for them?  How am I going to explain this to a five year old and a two-and-a-half year old if it comes down to that?  

I have way more questions than answers now, and all I can do is keep taking the steps to lead me to the point where I will have the answers I need. I just hope and pray they are the answers I am hoping for- that I am one of the nine, instead of that one.

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Cole Health Mothering Ryan

“The Drug Book”

Three weeks ago, Ryan had a cold. Just a runny nose and a cough.  A few days later, he was complaining of ear pain.  After his awful experiences with ear infections and a ruptured ear drum last year, the morning he said he had ear pain I called our doctor.  We haven’t been to the doctor at all this year, and were told he was out for the day.  It was a Friday, and  I did not want Ryan to be suffering from an ear infection over the weekend without being on antibiotics. 

With our regular doctor out, we had the privilege of our first urgent care visit for the year.  The doctor looked in Ryan’s ears and said he had raging infection in one of them.  I had to tell her that he is allergic to almost all antibiotics and told her the name of the drug that he can take.  I had called my pharmacy that morning to get the name and the spelling of the drug.  The doctor told me she had never heard of that drug.  She said she would have to go look it up in “The Drug Book.” (this really isn’t the name of the book, but evidently it is that book that tells the medical community everything about drugs.)

So Ryan, Cole and I waited.  I tried to keep Cole from climbing up on the sink, to turn on the water.  (He is obsessed with sinks and water lately). The doctor finally came back and asked me for the spelling of the drug again.  She had “The Drug Book” with her, and showed me there was no drug listed in it by the name I gave her.  I asked her if she could call the pharmacy and ask them.  She said she would, and we were once again waiting.

This time Cole declared he was hungry and just wanted to go eat.  It was lunchtime, and there is nothing worse than waiting at the doctor with sick and hungry kids.  About half an hour later, the doctor came back and told me she had called the prescription in- the drug was spelled with a ‘C’ not an ‘S’ as I had told her.  I had read the spelling back to the pharmacy, but obviously something got lost in translation.  After paying  the urgent care center double what we usually pay our doctor, we were off to the pharmacy to get Ryan his medicine.

The pharmacy has a drive-through and I was telling Cole we would get Ryan’s medicine and be home in fifteen minutes.  It took ten minutes for the pharmacist to even come to the window, and another fifteen minutes for her to check and then finally tell me they didn’t have enough of this medicine to fulfill the prescription. She also informed me that the strength the doctor had written the prescription for didn’t come in generic- it only came in the name brand-expensive form.  She asked me what I wanted to do.

I wanted to ask her why she was asking me- isn’t she the pharmacist that paid a ton of money to go to pharmacy school to learn about drugs? I wanted to ask her if she would let me rewrite the doctor’s prescription for the generic dose?  I wanted to ask her doesn’t she get paid to make these types of decisions?  Instead I told her, I didn’t know- I just wanted the medicine for my son- what did she recommend?  She told me she had enough to get us through the weekend, but then I’d have to come back on Monday to get more.  Brilliant!  I am so glad we spent time having the conversation that she didn’t have the drug in the first place. 

Most people would rip the dang bottle of medicine from the pharmacist’s hands, and peel out of there as fast as she could.  But my son hates the way this medicine tastes.  I tasted it last year and it was a little better tasting than glue and chalk powder mixed together.  So I threw the pharmacy into a frenzy- I asked if they could add flavoring to the medicine.  The pharmacist looked liked I asked her to walk to Denver to get the medicine.

She asked me what flavor.  Ryan yelled from the back, “Grape.”  The pharmacist told me to hold on- she had to go consult “The Drug Book.”  I wondered if the people who make “The Drug Book” are laughing their a**es off somewhere.  Seriously- doctors and pharmacists spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to go to school to learn all this, and at the end of the day their answers are in a $29.99 book.  It has to be the greatest scam of all time.

Fifteen minutes later, which must be the mandated time to look up a drug in “The Drug Book,” the pharmacist told me she could add cherry flavoring no problem, but not grape.  She would have to get an approval for the grape flavoring.  I told her to just add the cherry.  Then she told me it would be at least five hours before they could do it, but since I had to wait that long, they could go ahead and get the approval from the drug manufacturer and add the grape flavoring after all. 

At this point I was exhausted and needed a nap as badly as Cole, who had now fallen asleep in his car seat.  While I was trying to wake him up (so he’d take his real nap) the pharmacist told me that I could come back after five, get the one bottle of medicine, but they would have to mix the flavoring in it, after I got here.  Then I would come back on Monday, and get the rest. 

Thirty-five minutes later,  two very hungry and half-asleep boys (not to mention their mother), drove away with NO medicine.  But Ryan was going to have grape flavor in the medicine after all of that- you had better believe it!

A few hours later, I packed all of us back in the car to go get this Holy Grail of grape medicine.  I pulled up and this time it was a pharmacy tech.  She spent ten minutes looking for the prescription and then told me grape flavoring was not allowed.  I asked her if I could speak to the pharmacist.  A few minutes later a new pharmacist, who was way to young to have any of his own children, came to the window and I started in with our case.  I shouldn’t have been surprised when he said, “Well, let me go look this up in The Drug Book,” but I was. And they wonder why we have “mommy brain?”

Twenty minutes later, I had Ryan’s GRAPE flavored medicine but a headache thinking I was going to have to go through this all over again on Monday.  The pharmacy tech asked me if there was anything else they could do for me and I asked them to order me “The Drug Book.”  She looked at me like I had truly gone off the deep end- and I can’t blame her.  I can’t believe getting one prescription in 2009 for an ear infection involves consulting “The Drug Book” four times.  I should be glad everyone is so careful and conscientious- and I am- but really, it is a bit much.

I wish I could say that was it-end of story, but tonight Ryan said his ear was hurting again, “just like last time.”  Our doctor is out this week on vacation, and I know tomorrow, I will spend at least two hours waiting while “The Drug Book” is consulted once again.  Yes, somewhere in the book publishing business, the publishers of “The Drug Book” are laughing their a**es off.