Category: Mothering

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Activities Cole Family & Friends Mothering Parenting Ryan School

The First Day of Kindergarten

It doesn’t seem possible that, this day is here already- Ryan’s first day of school.  How did five and a half years pass so quickly? 

Ryan was so excited to start school.  He has been asking everyday when school starts.  The other day he said he wished he could stay home and play with Cole, but he had to go to school.  He said it in such a grown up voice.  Yesterday he was sitting at the kitchen table with his backpack on.  When I asked him what he was doing, he said he was practicing riding the bus to school. 

We went yesterday to meet his teacher, and Ryan got to sit at his desk, and get a feel for the classroom.  He is going to school two and a half days a week, and there are 19 children in his class.  His teacher, Mrs. G., seemed wonderful, and was very organized.  All the children seemed nice, and I am positive Ryan will have a great year.

From the day Ryan was born, I wanted  him to be confident, and happy when new experiences arise.  I was painfully shy as a child, and the first day of school every year filled me with dread and anxiety.  So I am very happy Ryan was so excited and confident to take this next step. 

But as a mother, it is bittersweet.  This is my baby and starting school is a very real reminder that, well- he isn’t a baby anymore, and never will be again.  I knew this day was coming, but yet- it still seemed very far off- other people’s children grow up and go to school.  There is a part of me that wished Ryan (and Cole) could stay little forever- there is nothing in the world like a baby.  If you are a parent, you know what I am describing.

But every milestone your baby reaches, brings them closer to this day- the day they go off to school and start their life more independent from you.  When Ryan was born, a friend gave me a book- mediatations for new mothers.  In those early days, as I sat for hours rocking and nursing him, this passage stuck in my mind- for every milestone Ryan took as a baby, and today:

“Yes, it hurts when buds burst, there is pain when something

grows.”–Karin Boye

I shed tears of joy when Alexander first crawled across the

floor. I clapped and cheered. Moments later, I realized that life

with him would never be the same. His baby days were over, he would

soon be a toddler. Then I cried again as a sense of loss washed

over me.

We provide support and encouragement for our little ones. we

help them learn to crawl, to walk, and to stand. Yet, with every

accomplishment, there is a twinge of sadness. Maybe our children no

longer need us? They do need us, but they must keep growing,

developing, changing.

(From Meditations for New Mothers by Beth Wilson Saavedra)

Ryan waved good-bye to us as he walked into the school- not with me, or his dad, but by himself, following Mrs. G., I silently said good-bye to my baby, and hello to a confident, independent little boy.  This is the way it is supposed to be, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Here are a few pictures from the last five and half years:

 Ryan in Feb. 2004- he was just barely a month oldRyan February Batch 004

First day of pre-school- Sept. 2008008

Yesterday, at Meet the Teacher008

Cole says good-bye to his big brother019

010

First day of kindergarten- Aug. 2009

Categories
Cancer Cole Family & Friends Health Mothering Parenting Ryan School

The End of Summer

As the sun streamed into my room this morning, I couldn’t help but be happy.  A week ago, I said good-bye to my boys expecting to see them in four days.  It turned into a week, because of the radioactive iodine therapy I underwent on Monday for thyroid cancer. 

Initially, I was going to have Cole for the day, and then pick up Ryan later from his grandparent’s house, but as it turned out- I ended up with both boys, and I couldn’t believe how much they had changed in a week!  They both looked older, and I think they both grew at least an inch during the past week.  It was so good to hug and kiss them- this was the longest amount of time I have ever been away from my children.

The day was beautiful, and I took them to the park.  I am so thankful I have energy again, and could actually play with them.  At one point, Cole came up to me, and asked me to hold him.  I picked him up, sat down with him, held him close to me, and kissed the top of his head.  A few moments later, Ryan sat down next to me, and wrapped his arms around my waist and hugged me.  I held him too, and the three of us sat there- reconnecting.

I have had an enormous amount of guilt this last week, regarding this summer and the boys.  This is the last summer we had before Ryan starts kindergarten- a rite of passage- and in my mind, the end of an era for us.  The days of Ryan being at home for the majority of the week, are almost done. He is starting his school career.  I had such plans for the boys and I, for this summer- before I fully realized the impact the cancer surgery, recovery, and treatment was going to take. 

I wanted the summer to be special for them- I wanted them to remember swimming, ice cream and watermelon- not that their mommy had cancer.   But when something like cancer happens, it stops all plans- there is nothing you can do, but start taking it one day at a time.  I had to sacrifice this summer so I could have the autumns, winters, springs, and summers in the future with them.  I wanted to tell them I was sorry- sorry that they had deal with something like this at such a young age. 

As we sat there on the bench in the park, and I held them close to me, it reminded me that the only thing the boys really need from me is my love.  I told them how much I loved them, how proud I was of them, and I was finally feeling better.  The boys told me they loved me too, and Ryan said he could tell “by my face” that I was feeling better.  Then they scooted off of me- the moment was over- and ran to the swings.

I felt it in the air this morning, the coolness- the trace of crispness in the air.  The air isn’t quite summer morning air, but is autumn whispering its approaching presence in the background.  Some things in life are constant- children growing, sickness, health, and love.  My boys will remember this was the summer I was sick with cancer, but they will also remember my love for them, and the love from their family and friends.  That is what matters. 

As this summer slips away, much like childhood, a beautiful, golden autumn will emerge finally- one morning at a time.

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Cancer Family & Friends Health Me Mothering

Thyroid Cancer- Low Iodine Diet & Waiting for Radioactive Iodine Treatment

This past week has been a nightmare- an absolutely awful nightmare.  I don’t even know where to begin. 

As I wrote previously, my surgeon said one of the proactive things I could do before having my thyroidectomy and neck dissection was make an appointment with an endocrinologist.  So I did.  One he recommended at one of the hospitals in my state, Colorado, with an excellent reputation. 

When I made the appointment back in MAY, I specifically pointed out to the scheduler, that my surgery was June 12th, and the appointment with the endocrinologist wasn’t until this past Tuesday- July 21st.  She assured me that was fine.  I asked her again- that six weeks wasn’t too long to go.  She told me again, it was fine.  These are the “experts” so I figured I was in good hands.

Six weeks later I am a hormonal, emotional, tired, wiped out mess.  I feel like I have aged 50 years in the past six weeks.  Evidently the hormone your thyroid produces regulates all kinds of bodily functions- like energy levels, emotions, metabolism, memory, concentration- just to name a few.  When I met with the endocrinologist on Tuesday, Dr. S., (another Dr. S.) she was shocked to find out I had not been on any thyroid hormone since my surgery.  She looked at me and said, “My god, I bet you feel like crap.”  That is one part they did get right.  She told me they would rush my radioactive iodine treatment (RAI).  Only problem- I haven’t been on a low iodine diet. 

I called a week after my surgery and asked this same office if I should be on a low iodine diet.  They told me no- I would receive all that information at my appointment. I pointed out again, that I had a six week time frame, and they told me it was fine.  I’d learn everything about the diet during my appointment. 

Since I can no longer manage this mess by myself, my sister, Vanessa, called bothered them until she got the person on the line that could help.  That is how we found out the scheduler had “old” information.  The treatment coordinator, B., told her I could have received RAI three weeks after surgery, but I have to be on the low iodine diet now for ten days.  I could have started the diet the week I called to ask them about the low iodine diet, and have had all of this behind me.  But now I have almost two more weeks of “feeling like crap” and trying to figure out a diet and what I can and can’t eat. Vanessa expressed the displeasure this has caused me, and the state I am in.   B. apologized and sent me a personal e-mail apologizing as well.  Vanessa scheduled the RAI treatment for me, for August 3. 

I am so mad and beyond frustrated at this hospital.  I talked to a friend who is a nurse,  who told me this is negligence, and there is no excuse for something like this happening.  But, what can I do?  It isn’t B.’s fault.  It is one of those nightmare things that you never imagine will happen to you, but it does.  So somehow, my family and I have to get through the next 2 weeks to make it to the appointment where I can receive the RAI treatment.

I still don’t know how long after the RAI treatment I have to wait until I can receive the replacement thyroid hormone.  As it is now, it will be 8 weeks and counting.  In the meantime, I am losing more energy every day, my boys are suffering, and I am missing work. 

I am having a hard time with this blog post.  I said I was taking a break from it two weeks ago, but then I said I wasn’t, but I am going to be forced to now.  I mentally and physically do not have the energy to write much until I am finally on the thyroid replacement hormone.  For now, what energy I do have, I have to put into my boys and into my health. I will try to post quick updates on Twitter when I can. 

I appreciate any thoughts and prayers you can send my way- two weeks seems like an eternity right now, but there is nothing left to do, except get through them.  Thanks again to everyone for all their support, love, and help. I literally could not do this without my family and friends.  Love you all. 

Heather

Categories
Cancer Health Me Mothering

Thyroid Cancer Recovery Update

I know I said I was going to take a mini break from blogging, but I miss it.  It is a good outlet for me, so I am changing my mind and deciding I just am not going to be able to blog as much as I have in the past.

During the last week, I have noticed the lack of hormones kick in- just as my Dr. said they would.  I was never very hormonal when pregnant, but in a a way I feel like I am now.  I will be happy and fine, and then for no reason I will just start crying for ten minutes, really hard- and then I will be feeling fine again, until the next time it happens.  Not knowing when this is going to happen is hard- especially around my boys.  They ask me why I am crying and I tell them it is just part of mommy having to get well again.

I have been able to do almost all the rehab exercises for my shoulder, except for a few where  I am supposed to hang my neck down. That just hurts too much to do it right now, and my Dr. said don’t do any of the exercises that cause pain.  Just trying to keep up with a house and two boys is giving my shoulder a good workout. I am trying to do light chores with it- ones that don’t hurt but ones that I can use the muscles. 

I have been able to cut my pain medication into about half the dosage- it says  I can take one every four hours, but I am finding I can go about six to eight hours between one.  The other day, I tried cutting them out all together and just taking Advil.  OUCH!  Clearly I am not ready for that, but I feel when my current perscription of pain medication is gone, I will hopefully be ready to just be on ibuprofen.  I have had wonderful friends do yard work, and stop by with flowers and food, and of course my family has been there every step of the way too.  I know that has contributed in my being able to rest and not overdo it. 

I meet with the endocrinologist next week to find out what I have to do prepare for the radioactive iodine treatment I need, and I know that is going to involve my diet.  I haven’t had much of an appetite at all.  My doctor said usually after surgery, most patients gain weight because the thyroid controls your metabolism.  That has been the opposite for me.  I have been forcing down light foods like chicken, pasta salads, tuna, yogurt, and cheese.  But nothing sounds good to eat.  I have even stopped drinking coffee in the morning.  If you know me you know I LOVE coffee, but the thought of smelling coffee actually makes me nauseous.

I slept for almost 14 hours yesterday and woke up and felt like I hadn’t slept at all- another aspect the thyroid controls.  So I feel tired all the time.  I get bouts of energy where I will do what needs to be done, and then I am pretty much wiped out for the day. 

My sister had her annual exam yesterday and she made them check her thyroid.  They said it felt fine, but they were going to test her levels anyway in view of my situation, which made me happy.  I have talked to a lot of people who have never had their thyroids felt during their exams.  As I wrote here, and as everyone told me, if you have to have cancer, thyroid cancer is the “best” one to have, but it is still cancer.  I didn’t have to have the neck dissection on both sides of my neck, because of early detection.

But my neck aches every minute of the day.  It feels like my neck was cut off, and sewn back on.  There is no good cancer to have- I am grateful mine is so treatable and the survival rate is so high, but having your thyroid out (and lymph nodes as well in my case) is not something you ever want to have to go through.

I plan to write an amazing review of a scar healing product that was sent to me, but I want to devote an entire post to that, but I have been truly amazed by it.  I am going to post some updated pictures of my scar, because I feel this is life- cancer happens, and people do recover. 

I lost someone who I thought was a friend, over my posting my cancer surgery pictures from my blog, but the e-mails from people that are experiencing cancer themselves, or have just found out they have thyroid cancer has been overwhelming.  Not a day goes by without someone sending me an e-mail, thanking me for sharing my story, because it has helped them, or someone they love who is dealing with thyroid cancer. 

My goal in posting my cancer story, pictures, and recovery is not to be gross, or muster up sympathy for myself, but to help people realize that it is a condition that you can be treated for and recover from.  It is not a pleasant experience, but you can recover.  I recently read something I really liked about cancer- it said, “Cancer is a word- not a sentence,” and I feel that is so true.  Life hands us experiences, like cancer, we never expect, but the body, mind, and spirit can recover- and it does. 

If looking at scar pictures bother you, please don’t look any further. I plan to have more pictures when I write the review of the scar healing product but for now, here is how my scar is doing:

 

 

Scar on June 26, 20096-26-092copy

 

 

7-15-094

Scar on July 15, 2009

I know I sound like a broken record, but I just can’t thank everyone enough for the love and support that you continue to send my way.  It helps me more than you will ever know- Thank you.

Categories
Cancer Health Me Mothering

Mini Break from Blogging

I am going to be taking a short “vacation” from blogging.  My cancer recovery is not going as fast as I had hoped, and right now I have to concentrate on resting and trying to heal.

I appreciate the e-mails so many thyroid cancer patients have sent me- those who have already been through it, and those who have just been newly diagnosed and have questions.  Feel free to send me an e-mail if you have any questions (my e-mail is on my Contact Me page),  and  I will respond to you as soon as  I can.

I have also archived all my cancer posts in the right hand side bar under “cancer” so you can read about my experience  and what I have learned so far, and hopefully you may find some answers to your questions in some of those posts. 

I am hoping my mini blogging break will be short lived, and I will be able to blog again in the very near future.  Right now though I need to concentrate on healing and getting my body ready for the radioactive iodine treatment it needs.

If you follow me on Twitter, I will try to post short updates there on how I am doing- that is much easier right now than writing a blog post, and of course if you are a Facebook friend I will see you around there.

As a final note for now, PLEASE have your health care provider check your thyroid at your annual exam.  If anything feels “off” get in for an ultrasound as soon as you can.  That saved me from having to have my neck totally dissected to remove the lymph nodes that the cancer had spread to.  My surgeon credited my nurse practitioner who caught it early and insisted I have an ultrasound.  In my opinion, I don’t think there is enough information out there informing women of thyroid cancer.

Thanks again for all the support you all have given me during this process.  I will be back stronger and healthier, and will share the rest of my thyroid cancer experience.  Cancer can happen to anyone- please take care of yourselves and follow up with anything you or your health care provider thinks is abnormal.