Category: Family & Friends

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Activities Cole Family & Friends Mothering Parenting Ryan School

The First Day of Kindergarten

It doesn’t seem possible that, this day is here already- Ryan’s first day of school.  How did five and a half years pass so quickly? 

Ryan was so excited to start school.  He has been asking everyday when school starts.  The other day he said he wished he could stay home and play with Cole, but he had to go to school.  He said it in such a grown up voice.  Yesterday he was sitting at the kitchen table with his backpack on.  When I asked him what he was doing, he said he was practicing riding the bus to school. 

We went yesterday to meet his teacher, and Ryan got to sit at his desk, and get a feel for the classroom.  He is going to school two and a half days a week, and there are 19 children in his class.  His teacher, Mrs. G., seemed wonderful, and was very organized.  All the children seemed nice, and I am positive Ryan will have a great year.

From the day Ryan was born, I wanted  him to be confident, and happy when new experiences arise.  I was painfully shy as a child, and the first day of school every year filled me with dread and anxiety.  So I am very happy Ryan was so excited and confident to take this next step. 

But as a mother, it is bittersweet.  This is my baby and starting school is a very real reminder that, well- he isn’t a baby anymore, and never will be again.  I knew this day was coming, but yet- it still seemed very far off- other people’s children grow up and go to school.  There is a part of me that wished Ryan (and Cole) could stay little forever- there is nothing in the world like a baby.  If you are a parent, you know what I am describing.

But every milestone your baby reaches, brings them closer to this day- the day they go off to school and start their life more independent from you.  When Ryan was born, a friend gave me a book- mediatations for new mothers.  In those early days, as I sat for hours rocking and nursing him, this passage stuck in my mind- for every milestone Ryan took as a baby, and today:

“Yes, it hurts when buds burst, there is pain when something

grows.”–Karin Boye

I shed tears of joy when Alexander first crawled across the

floor. I clapped and cheered. Moments later, I realized that life

with him would never be the same. His baby days were over, he would

soon be a toddler. Then I cried again as a sense of loss washed

over me.

We provide support and encouragement for our little ones. we

help them learn to crawl, to walk, and to stand. Yet, with every

accomplishment, there is a twinge of sadness. Maybe our children no

longer need us? They do need us, but they must keep growing,

developing, changing.

(From Meditations for New Mothers by Beth Wilson Saavedra)

Ryan waved good-bye to us as he walked into the school- not with me, or his dad, but by himself, following Mrs. G., I silently said good-bye to my baby, and hello to a confident, independent little boy.  This is the way it is supposed to be, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Here are a few pictures from the last five and half years:

 Ryan in Feb. 2004- he was just barely a month oldRyan February Batch 004

First day of pre-school- Sept. 2008008

Yesterday, at Meet the Teacher008

Cole says good-bye to his big brother019

010

First day of kindergarten- Aug. 2009

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Cancer Family & Friends Health

Thyroid Cancer- Tired

rainbow

I have been on synthroid and cytomel for just over a week, and I am feeling so much better!  I feel like I am in my thirties again- not my nineties.  I know I am not back to my “old self,” yet, but I wonder if there is such a thing.

I don’t think mentally, I will ever be back to my “old self.”  What I mean by that is, I don’t think I can ever go back to that time before I had cancer- that time was an innocence.  I didn’t have to think about being sick.  I didn’t have to worry about how my boys were handling my cancer.  I didn’t have to think about taking medication the moment I woke up every morning.  I didn’t have to worry about doctors, lost time at work, on-going medical and health care, medical bills, insurance denials for some of the care I need, and the one worry that will always be in the back of my mind- what if the cancer comes back?

I had my full body scan today.  They look to see if there is any remaining thyroid tissue in your body- to see how effective the radioactive iodine treatment (RAI) was.  If there is no remaining thyroid tissue, then I will be essentially “cancer free.”  If there is remaining thyroid tissue, I believe I will be given another dose of RAI. 

Right before my surgery, I had a PET scan to see if the cancer had spread to any other areas in my body.  Fortunately, it had not.  But I don’t like being scanned. The machines make me claustrophobic.  The machine today, looked more spacious than the PET scan machine, but after they started the machine lifted me up, and there was a screen just millimeters away from my face.  I started feeling very panicked, and almost called the technician over to stop.  But I closed my eyes, and just tried to imagine myself somewhere else.

It worked, and I calmed down after a few minutes.  Then, after about fifteen minutes, the screen moved away from my face.  As I was lying there with my eyes closed, it just hit me how tired I am of all of this.  Before being diagnosed with thyroid cancer, I was so healthy!  I would catch a few colds every year, but that was it.  It kind of just hit me, that this was my future.  Ultrasounds, scans, and blood work.  

I am very grateful and happy most days that the cancer I have is so treatable, and basically curable.  When I was first diagnosed with thyroid cancer, every medical person told me if I had to have cancer, this was the kind to have.  I thought it was no big deal- I’d have the surgery and move on.

Cancer is cancer, and no matter which kind you have, it is still a major intrusion and interruption into your life, and the lives of your family.  There are side affects, mentally, physically, and emotionally for not just the patient, but for everyone in their circle.   There is no such thing as a “good cancer” or a “better cancer” to have. 

Two months ago, I wouldn’t have written this blog post.  I would have been trying to stay “happy” and “positive.”  While I still feel I have a very positive attitude overall, some days are hard, exhausting, scary, lonely, and isolating.  For me, it is important acknowledge this and to mourn the loss of the care-free health that I had previously. I believe it is okay to feel this way at times, and more importantly it is healthy to allow yourself these feelings. 

Every day is getting better, and I hope to have the results of the scan early next week.  If I am declared “cancer free”, then that is it for now- other than having my synthroid medication adjusted.  I will have to go in every six months for an ultrasound and blood work to watch for any signs of reoccurrence.  I am starting to picture my life in six month blocks.  Six months where I don’t have to take it one day at a time. Six months means I can make plans and start living life again. 

Six months- I know that is a gift, and a gift I will gladly take.  There is a saying, you don’t get a rainbow without rain, and I find that very true for cancer patients and survivors.  For every rainbow you receive, you’ve endured a lot of rain.  I am tired of the rain, and am looking forward to the rainbows.

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Cancer Cole Family & Friends Health Mothering Parenting Ryan School

The End of Summer

As the sun streamed into my room this morning, I couldn’t help but be happy.  A week ago, I said good-bye to my boys expecting to see them in four days.  It turned into a week, because of the radioactive iodine therapy I underwent on Monday for thyroid cancer. 

Initially, I was going to have Cole for the day, and then pick up Ryan later from his grandparent’s house, but as it turned out- I ended up with both boys, and I couldn’t believe how much they had changed in a week!  They both looked older, and I think they both grew at least an inch during the past week.  It was so good to hug and kiss them- this was the longest amount of time I have ever been away from my children.

The day was beautiful, and I took them to the park.  I am so thankful I have energy again, and could actually play with them.  At one point, Cole came up to me, and asked me to hold him.  I picked him up, sat down with him, held him close to me, and kissed the top of his head.  A few moments later, Ryan sat down next to me, and wrapped his arms around my waist and hugged me.  I held him too, and the three of us sat there- reconnecting.

I have had an enormous amount of guilt this last week, regarding this summer and the boys.  This is the last summer we had before Ryan starts kindergarten- a rite of passage- and in my mind, the end of an era for us.  The days of Ryan being at home for the majority of the week, are almost done. He is starting his school career.  I had such plans for the boys and I, for this summer- before I fully realized the impact the cancer surgery, recovery, and treatment was going to take. 

I wanted the summer to be special for them- I wanted them to remember swimming, ice cream and watermelon- not that their mommy had cancer.   But when something like cancer happens, it stops all plans- there is nothing you can do, but start taking it one day at a time.  I had to sacrifice this summer so I could have the autumns, winters, springs, and summers in the future with them.  I wanted to tell them I was sorry- sorry that they had deal with something like this at such a young age. 

As we sat there on the bench in the park, and I held them close to me, it reminded me that the only thing the boys really need from me is my love.  I told them how much I loved them, how proud I was of them, and I was finally feeling better.  The boys told me they loved me too, and Ryan said he could tell “by my face” that I was feeling better.  Then they scooted off of me- the moment was over- and ran to the swings.

I felt it in the air this morning, the coolness- the trace of crispness in the air.  The air isn’t quite summer morning air, but is autumn whispering its approaching presence in the background.  Some things in life are constant- children growing, sickness, health, and love.  My boys will remember this was the summer I was sick with cancer, but they will also remember my love for them, and the love from their family and friends.  That is what matters. 

As this summer slips away, much like childhood, a beautiful, golden autumn will emerge finally- one morning at a time.

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Cancer Family & Friends Health low iodine diet Me Parenting

Thyroid Cancer-D-Day!

I am so happy today!  Today is the the day I finally can take synthroid- the thyroid replacement hormone.  It will have been just two days under two months, since I have been without any thyroid hormones in my body.  I took my first one at 7AM.  I will have to take this medication for the rest of my life. 

The doctors tell me it is not a quick fix, and it is a gradual return to feeling better and normal.  So I am not expecting to take one synthroid and be back to my “old self” but after this long of being in the hypothyroidism state,  I am hopeful  today the downwards trend I have been experiencing for the last eight weeks stops.  It is very rare for the first dosage to be correct, so I am expecting to have to go through a few dosage adjustments as well. 

My doctor also prescribed cytomel for two weeks, to “jump start” my system. I didn’t wake up one day and feel this tired, this fatigued- it was a definite gradual downward change- every day was a little worse than the last, so I am hoping that with feeling better it will be the same.  As long as I feel a little better than the day before, I’ll feel like I am heading in the right direction.  I have to have my blood tested in six weeks to check the dosage, but if I don’t feel better after a few days, I will be calling the endocrinologist.  

Today is also the day I stop the low iodine diet.  It was nice to eat so many fresh foods and vegetables- I am going to try to keep that part of the diet going, but it will be nice to have some milk with cereal, tea again, and I have been craving  homemade popcorn with lots of butter on it.  🙂  I found the hardest part of the diet was just preparing the foods since I have been in the hypothyroidism state for so long.

I received my radioactive iodine therapy (in the form of a pill) on Monday, and  I am radioactive as I write this.  I can be around adults no more than 30 minutes at a time, but can’t place myself in a general population where there would be children, until Thursday.  However, the nuclear medicine doctor, who administered the pill, strongly suggested that I am not around my boys for five to seven days.  She said because of their ages, their cells are much more vulnerable to radioactivity, and it is hard for them to not climb on me, and keep an arms distance away.

I thought I was going to be able to see the boys on Thursday, and I am very sad and miss them like crazy, but under the circumstances, I agree with her.  I don’t want to put my boys at risk and in the grand scheme of things, two more days is worth it, if it eliminates the risk they will be exposed to radiation.  Their dad and his family have been taking care of the boys, and Ryan and Cole have been having a lot of fun. 

I have been at home- really having no energy to do much.  I have been reading, catching up on some paperwork, and I took a very short walk yesterday.  It’s kind of weird thinking of myself being quarantined, but since I have very little energy I don’t feel like going anywhere.

This has really been the hardest thing I have ever had to do, physically.   No energy, fatigue, no mental energy- that is how my body felt physically for so many weeks. 

My family and friends told me to hang in there and not give up- there is light at the end of the tunnel. So many people told me I am stronger than I know.  I didn’t believe them- I certainly didn’t feel strong. In fact, these last two months,  is the weakest I have ever been, physically and mentally. But I learned there is nothing wrong with being weak- I can’t do it all- no one can, and being weak allowed me to accept this. Being at my weakest for so long, showed me that I am stronger than I knew, stronger than I believed. 

I feel like today is my new beginning.  I am finally at the end of this tunnel- and I just don’t see the light, I am in the light.   I have discovered, that I am strong, but there is no shame in being weak either.  Others could see that in me, and now I see it for myself.  But more importantly, today, I believe it.

Categories
Cancer Family & Friends Health

Friends

 

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In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out.  It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.  We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.  ~Albert Schweitzer

I have written many times over the past few months how grateful I am to my family and friends, and the help they have given to me while I undergo thyroid cancer surgery and treatment. 

As the days progress, and I am now in my seventh week after my thyroidectomy and neck dissection, still without any thyroid replacement hormones, I have had to rely on my family and friends more than ever.  

I literally have to get through the days, hour by hour, because waking up and facing a whole day in its entirety is too overwhelming. I honestly don’t know how I am going to make it hour to hour, let alone an entire day.  I have found though, in these hours, my friends have stepped in and made them manageable and give me that extra boost I need to make it through to the next hour.

I could have never imagined after all these weeks that have passed, the friendship and love that continues to flow my way.  Today I had an exceptionally hard day-  I just had no energy, and I mean none.  Sitting in a chair was making me tired.  During the last week or so, I have developed an insomia- I am so tired I can’t keep my eyes open, but yet I am unable to sleep.  I can sleep for about 30 minutes at a time and then I am awake for hours.  I am sure it is hormone related, and will clear up, but this has taken its toll on me, physically and emotionally.   

Over the weeks, my friends have cooked, brought over meals, cleaned the house, mowed the lawns, and have sent me notes of encouragement. Some friends make me laugh, some friends don’t let me feel sorry for myself, some friends encourage me.  I am so grateful for all these kind acts shown to me.  It is like a bouquet of flowers- each flower adding something unique to the bouquet. 

Today I received a sweet message from one of my oldest friends, J.  She was my best friend in middle school, and we have been out of touch for years.  We have recently been in touch via Facebook.  We actually live in the same state and have been trying to get together.  But because of my health right now, I can’t.  She wrote me such an encouraging note, and she hasn’t seen me in 20 years. 

One of the moms in my mom’s group is battling breast cancer.  She is in her final round of chemotherapy, and she sent me an e-mail saying she had missed that I had thyroid cancer.  She has gone through so much more than I have, and she took the time out to send me a note of encouragement.  I was in tears reading her words.  We have only met a few times, as we live in different cities, but I was so touched by her strength and encouragement.  It was like a shot of pure confidence that I can and will get through this. 

My lawn was severely overgrown.  It was budding with weeds.  It looked awful, and there is a lot of lawn between the front and the back yards.   It depressed me every time I saw it.  Seven weeks ago, I was mowing the lawns myself. 

My friend, Melissa (NatureDeva), and her husband came over.  Melissa mowed the lawns in 90 degree heat, and then asked what else she could do for me.  Her husband, M., came over too and built window well covers for three basement windows, and cleaned them out, so the boys would be safe while playing outside.  Then he tried to fix the garage door opener for me.  They have a son Ryan’s age, and they could have been spending time with, but they helped my family today. 

My spirits instantly soared when I saw the mowed lawns- it was like that symbol that everything is going to be okay, and for now things are.  I can’t thank Melissa and her husband enough.

I also can’t think of all that my friend, Amy (Crunchy Domestic Goddess), has done for me without getting tears in my eyes.  From the day I told her I could possibly have thyroid cancer to the present, she has been right there with me.  From letting me vent, to calling me, to offering her help, to cooking, to organizing, to visting me in the hospital,  to thinking of ways to help me-all the while she has been battling some very tough issues herself, and being a full-time mom. 

One of the most unexpected things Amy has done, was she entered us in a contest to win an all expense paid trip to New York City next year, to attend the annual blogging conference by BlogHer.  We both made plans to go this year, and obviously I couldn’t, but Amy went last week to Chicago for her first BlogHer conference. 

Her roommate told her about a contest, Mabel’s Labels was having- the Wish You Were Here Contest. An attendee to BlogHer this year had to submit a video of themselves saying who they wished could have been there with them.  Amy’s entry explained why she wished I was there with her, and the reason why I was not. 

Yesterday she found out that her video made the finals!  They only picked 10 finalists and will hold a random drawing on Tuesday to determine the winner.  I was so excited to hear that we made the finals- it has been a great pick me up, and has been a fun distraction imagining if we really won- all the fun we would have together in New York next summer!  Even if we don’t win, I am so touched that she took the time to do this- I know she did it more for me than for herself. You can click here to see Amy’s video entry- she is the last one. 

Thank you doesn’t cover it, but right now that is all I can say- Thank you to all my friends, for everything you have done and continue to do for me. I know you all are busy, and have your own families to take care of.  But for the time you have given to me and to my boys, when I can’t do it myself- thank you.  It means more to me than I will ever be able to tell you or thank you.

My inner spirit is rekindled every day by your actions, words, and positive thoughts you send my way.  I would not be able to make it through this without all of you. I am so lucky to have such a beautiful bouquet of friends.  I love you all.