Category: Cole

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Activities Cole Family & Friends Mothering Parenting Ryan School

The First Day of Kindergarten

It doesn’t seem possible that, this day is here already- Ryan’s first day of school.  How did five and a half years pass so quickly? 

Ryan was so excited to start school.  He has been asking everyday when school starts.  The other day he said he wished he could stay home and play with Cole, but he had to go to school.  He said it in such a grown up voice.  Yesterday he was sitting at the kitchen table with his backpack on.  When I asked him what he was doing, he said he was practicing riding the bus to school. 

We went yesterday to meet his teacher, and Ryan got to sit at his desk, and get a feel for the classroom.  He is going to school two and a half days a week, and there are 19 children in his class.  His teacher, Mrs. G., seemed wonderful, and was very organized.  All the children seemed nice, and I am positive Ryan will have a great year.

From the day Ryan was born, I wanted  him to be confident, and happy when new experiences arise.  I was painfully shy as a child, and the first day of school every year filled me with dread and anxiety.  So I am very happy Ryan was so excited and confident to take this next step. 

But as a mother, it is bittersweet.  This is my baby and starting school is a very real reminder that, well- he isn’t a baby anymore, and never will be again.  I knew this day was coming, but yet- it still seemed very far off- other people’s children grow up and go to school.  There is a part of me that wished Ryan (and Cole) could stay little forever- there is nothing in the world like a baby.  If you are a parent, you know what I am describing.

But every milestone your baby reaches, brings them closer to this day- the day they go off to school and start their life more independent from you.  When Ryan was born, a friend gave me a book- mediatations for new mothers.  In those early days, as I sat for hours rocking and nursing him, this passage stuck in my mind- for every milestone Ryan took as a baby, and today:

“Yes, it hurts when buds burst, there is pain when something

grows.”–Karin Boye

I shed tears of joy when Alexander first crawled across the

floor. I clapped and cheered. Moments later, I realized that life

with him would never be the same. His baby days were over, he would

soon be a toddler. Then I cried again as a sense of loss washed

over me.

We provide support and encouragement for our little ones. we

help them learn to crawl, to walk, and to stand. Yet, with every

accomplishment, there is a twinge of sadness. Maybe our children no

longer need us? They do need us, but they must keep growing,

developing, changing.

(From Meditations for New Mothers by Beth Wilson Saavedra)

Ryan waved good-bye to us as he walked into the school- not with me, or his dad, but by himself, following Mrs. G., I silently said good-bye to my baby, and hello to a confident, independent little boy.  This is the way it is supposed to be, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Here are a few pictures from the last five and half years:

 Ryan in Feb. 2004- he was just barely a month oldRyan February Batch 004

First day of pre-school- Sept. 2008008

Yesterday, at Meet the Teacher008

Cole says good-bye to his big brother019

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First day of kindergarten- Aug. 2009

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Cancer Cole Family & Friends Health Mothering Parenting Ryan School

The End of Summer

As the sun streamed into my room this morning, I couldn’t help but be happy.  A week ago, I said good-bye to my boys expecting to see them in four days.  It turned into a week, because of the radioactive iodine therapy I underwent on Monday for thyroid cancer. 

Initially, I was going to have Cole for the day, and then pick up Ryan later from his grandparent’s house, but as it turned out- I ended up with both boys, and I couldn’t believe how much they had changed in a week!  They both looked older, and I think they both grew at least an inch during the past week.  It was so good to hug and kiss them- this was the longest amount of time I have ever been away from my children.

The day was beautiful, and I took them to the park.  I am so thankful I have energy again, and could actually play with them.  At one point, Cole came up to me, and asked me to hold him.  I picked him up, sat down with him, held him close to me, and kissed the top of his head.  A few moments later, Ryan sat down next to me, and wrapped his arms around my waist and hugged me.  I held him too, and the three of us sat there- reconnecting.

I have had an enormous amount of guilt this last week, regarding this summer and the boys.  This is the last summer we had before Ryan starts kindergarten- a rite of passage- and in my mind, the end of an era for us.  The days of Ryan being at home for the majority of the week, are almost done. He is starting his school career.  I had such plans for the boys and I, for this summer- before I fully realized the impact the cancer surgery, recovery, and treatment was going to take. 

I wanted the summer to be special for them- I wanted them to remember swimming, ice cream and watermelon- not that their mommy had cancer.   But when something like cancer happens, it stops all plans- there is nothing you can do, but start taking it one day at a time.  I had to sacrifice this summer so I could have the autumns, winters, springs, and summers in the future with them.  I wanted to tell them I was sorry- sorry that they had deal with something like this at such a young age. 

As we sat there on the bench in the park, and I held them close to me, it reminded me that the only thing the boys really need from me is my love.  I told them how much I loved them, how proud I was of them, and I was finally feeling better.  The boys told me they loved me too, and Ryan said he could tell “by my face” that I was feeling better.  Then they scooted off of me- the moment was over- and ran to the swings.

I felt it in the air this morning, the coolness- the trace of crispness in the air.  The air isn’t quite summer morning air, but is autumn whispering its approaching presence in the background.  Some things in life are constant- children growing, sickness, health, and love.  My boys will remember this was the summer I was sick with cancer, but they will also remember my love for them, and the love from their family and friends.  That is what matters. 

As this summer slips away, much like childhood, a beautiful, golden autumn will emerge finally- one morning at a time.

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Cancer Cole Health Mothering Ryan

What to Tell Kids About Cancer

One of the biggest concerns on my mind right now are my boys, Ryan and Cole.  Not only are they adjusting to a divorce, but they also will have to deal with my cancer, the surgery, my being away from them for at least a week, and my recovery.

It is hard to know how much to tell them regarding my health and surgery. I don’t want them to be scared or wonder why no one is talking about what is happening with Mommy.  On the other hand, I don’t want to scare them or give them reason to worry unnecessarily.  Ryan picks up on everything, and Cole is right behind him. 

So far, I have told both boys that I have an owie in my throat.  I have told them I have to go to the hospital for an operation, and that will make the owie better.  I have told them I have to stay in the hospital for a few days, but they get to have special time with their dad, and their grandparents.

They both seemed okay with this, but Ryan told his dad that my condition is serious and I could be in the hospital for a long time.  That wasn’t the easy going attitude I was hoping for, so I am going to have to adjust my comments and work with Ryan so he isn’t so concerned about it. 

This is the hardest part- trying to make my boys feel secure about my health, when I don’t feel that myself.  One of my friends tells me she thinks there is a little Superhero in every mom.  I hope she is right, because I need my Superhero Mom-Knows-What-the-Right-Thing-to-Say-to-my-Boys powers right now. 

On a happier note, I was finally able to get Ryan’s five year pictures, and Cole’s three year pictures done.  I will be taking these to the hospital with me.  I will look at them often to remind me- this will all be worth while if  I can be healthy for Ryan and Cole.

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Categories
Activities Cole Mothering Parenting Ryan School

Pre-School Graduation

Ryan graduated from pre-school today, and it was a big milestone for him.  He has been excited about graduation all week. 

His school had four classes with graduating kids.  This was my first time at a school performance, and it was such a treat.  Each class got to sing a song with props and costumes.  It was like a little comedy show.  One girl was so happy to have spotted her family from the stage, she spent the entire time on the stage with the biggest smile on her face, waving as hard as she could to her family.

During one of the performances, each child in that class, got to go up to the microphone and sing what animal they were dressed as.  They were all so quiet, and would barely whisper into the microphone- but not the boy who was the lion.  He got up to the microphone and roared- not once but a few times.  

After the kids had received their dipolmas (yes, they handed out diplomas to all the kids), two boys were singing a song, “Kindergarten, Here We Come.”  It was supposed to be a duet, but one of the boys must have watched American Idol last night, because it was all about him.  He grabbed the microphone stand in his hand, away from the other boy, and sang as loud as we could, “Kindergarten, here we come,” over and over. He had a great voice too.  Finally, the teacher asked him to let the other boy sing, and he had the saddest look on his face, as he handed the microphone stand back to the other boy.  

The funniest thing that happened, in my opinion, was after the third class walked across the stage, an hour had already passed.  Cole was being so good, but he was getting tired, and he had been promised cake, afterwards.  He heard the teacher say the class had graduated.  Everyone clapped, and the gym grew quiet as we were waiting for the last class.  That moment Cole announced, loudly, “Okay, it’s over.  Where is the cake?”  So many people around us laughed and it was just precious. 

As I watched my little boy, who isn’t so little anymore, sing with his class and walk across the stage for his diploma, my eyes filled with tears.  This isn’t the same little guy I was just holding as a baby is it?  Wasn’t he just learning how to walk, and when did he grow up so fast, to be walking across a big stage all by himself for his diploma he could wave? 

As Ryan’s picture showed up in a slide show, I realized this was my baby, and he always will be my baby.  Ryan doesn’t need me the same way as he did when he was a baby, but he needs me in different ways now.

As they played an incredibly sad country song to go along with the slide show, when he spotted me from the stage, and smiled at me, I knew that even though we have reached this milestone in Ryan’s life, they are endless.  There will also be another milestone to look forward too, and I am so lucky to be able to share these moments with my now kindergartner. 

Congratulations on your first school graduation, Ryan. I am so proud of you, and I love you.  

P.S. I found out the song they played is called Universe from Mark Wills, if you want to listen to a sad country song.  🙂  Who doesn’t love that?

Now for the pictures: 

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Walking down the aisle to the stage to get his diploma

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Checking out the diploma

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The Graduate

         015c   The proud Mommy

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With the cake-loving little brother, Cole

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Cole Family & Friends Me Mothering Parenting Ryan

A New Direction for A Mama’s Blog

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For most bloggers, deciding how much to share of your life is a question that is always in the back of our minds. For me personally, I don’t mind sharing details about me, but I have been thinking a lot lately about sharing details about my boys- Ryan and Cole. 

When I started A Mama’s Blog, I wanted a place I could record events that happened with my children, so I would always remember them.  As my children grow older, I realize that my blog can’t really serve that purpose anymore.

As Ryan and Cole grow, I have decided that I don’t want to write about those details anymore.  While these details might be interesting and helpful to others, I also feel very strongly, since Ryan and Cole are not babies anymore, somehow their experiences are not mine to share.   

I started my blog for love I have for my boys, and I never want to violate that.  As my children grow, their experiences are personal.  They may or may not care one day that I wrote about a certain event that I found cute, or funny, or that I thought was worth sharing.  However, they might.  They may be embarrassed, or fail to understand why I had to share on my blog their experiences- whether that would be something that happened on the first day of kindergarten, or a sweet moment we had. 

Right now Ryan and Cole are at an age, where they don’t understand blogging.  Maybe one day, when they understand it, they can give me permission to share excerpts from their life, and I will feel fine on sharing those with my readers.  Their trust is the most important thing, and I never want them to look back and realize things they may have told me in their minds as a confidence, I turned around and blogged about.

I plan to still share updates, milestones, and stories in general about my boys, but in a way that respects their privacy. 

This will change the focus of A Mama’s Blog.  I have always been passionate about information on C-sections and maternal health. I plan to keep writing on those subjects.   I also hope to start writing about women’s issues more.

I have not formally announced it, but I think the timing is right to let my readers know that my husband (Joe) and I are in the process of getting divorced.  This has been in progress for several months now.  The divorce should be final by the end of the summer.

I won’t be able to share personal details of the divorce or specifics, but I will share my perspective, feelings, and experience with it in time. 

I am excited the new direction A Mama’s Blog will be taking and I value each and every one of my readers.  I know many of you have been with me from the beginning, and have read my blog faithfully for almost two-and-a-half years now.  I will do my best to keep you as a reader, and thank you all for your loyalty and support.