Author: A Mama's Blog

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Cancer Family & Friends Health

Thyroid Cancer- Body Scan Results

I received the results to my full body scan on Wednesday- and it is very positive.  My doctor said the scan was clear- the only place cancer cells were still showing up at, were in my neck.  But she said this was expected because surgery alone can’t remove every cancer cell. She said the radioactive iodine will continue to work over the next few weeks, and I will have another blood draw in about a month to measure my thyroglobulin level. 

The thyroglobulin level measures cancerous thyroid tissue in the body.  For someone who doesn’t have thyroid cancer, that level will be at zero.  Before my surgery my level was at 38!  My surgeon said that was very high, and he said it was unusual for the level to be that high.  That translated into I had a lot of cancerous thyroid tissue.  Yesterday the doctor told me what my level is now, just taking the surgery into account, and it is down to 4!   She said it was rare that the thyroglobulin level drops that much just from the surgery.  She said the surgeon did a remarkable and thorough surgery.

So in a month, when I have the level tested again, it will be after the radioactive iodine has had a chance to work so the thyroglobulin level should be even lower.  My doctor said everything else looked great- there was no traces of any cancer elsewhere in my body.

For now, I can take a deep breath and relax a bit.  I am pretty much cancer free, and have an excellent prognosis of remaining cancer free.  It seems a bit surreal, but I’ll take it.  I still have to have my thyroid replacement hormone dosage tested in a few weeks, and twice a year check-ups to make sure the cancer hasn’t returned.  My shoulder is still recovering from the surgery, but I am through the worst part of it, and am so happy the prognosis is so positive.  I couldn’t have asked for better news.

Thanks once more for all the support, prayers, kind comments and e-mails, well-wishes, and love.  I wouldn’t have made it this far without them.  Again, thank you to all my family and friends, who put their lives on hold to help me during these last few months.    I am looking forward to getting my life back to normal, and celebrating with all my family and friends in the coming months.   

One of these celebrations will be very special.  I never thought by sharing my experience on my blog, it would lead another mom to me who underwent thyroid cancer surgery the same day as I did, who had the same recovery time, who underwent radioactive iodine treatment at the same time, who lives about an hour away from me, and who has also been given a clean bill of health.  This is my cancer-fighting partner in crime, and we are finally going to be meeting each other soon, and celebrating that we helped each other beat cancer. 

This weekend the boys and I are going camping with my family- grandparents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, and cousins.  The last time we were all together was when I was in the hospital during my surgery.  It will be great to put that chapter behind us, and and start a new one- cancer free.

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Activities Cole Family & Friends Mothering Parenting Ryan School

The First Day of Kindergarten

It doesn’t seem possible that, this day is here already- Ryan’s first day of school.  How did five and a half years pass so quickly? 

Ryan was so excited to start school.  He has been asking everyday when school starts.  The other day he said he wished he could stay home and play with Cole, but he had to go to school.  He said it in such a grown up voice.  Yesterday he was sitting at the kitchen table with his backpack on.  When I asked him what he was doing, he said he was practicing riding the bus to school. 

We went yesterday to meet his teacher, and Ryan got to sit at his desk, and get a feel for the classroom.  He is going to school two and a half days a week, and there are 19 children in his class.  His teacher, Mrs. G., seemed wonderful, and was very organized.  All the children seemed nice, and I am positive Ryan will have a great year.

From the day Ryan was born, I wanted  him to be confident, and happy when new experiences arise.  I was painfully shy as a child, and the first day of school every year filled me with dread and anxiety.  So I am very happy Ryan was so excited and confident to take this next step. 

But as a mother, it is bittersweet.  This is my baby and starting school is a very real reminder that, well- he isn’t a baby anymore, and never will be again.  I knew this day was coming, but yet- it still seemed very far off- other people’s children grow up and go to school.  There is a part of me that wished Ryan (and Cole) could stay little forever- there is nothing in the world like a baby.  If you are a parent, you know what I am describing.

But every milestone your baby reaches, brings them closer to this day- the day they go off to school and start their life more independent from you.  When Ryan was born, a friend gave me a book- mediatations for new mothers.  In those early days, as I sat for hours rocking and nursing him, this passage stuck in my mind- for every milestone Ryan took as a baby, and today:

“Yes, it hurts when buds burst, there is pain when something

grows.”–Karin Boye

I shed tears of joy when Alexander first crawled across the

floor. I clapped and cheered. Moments later, I realized that life

with him would never be the same. His baby days were over, he would

soon be a toddler. Then I cried again as a sense of loss washed

over me.

We provide support and encouragement for our little ones. we

help them learn to crawl, to walk, and to stand. Yet, with every

accomplishment, there is a twinge of sadness. Maybe our children no

longer need us? They do need us, but they must keep growing,

developing, changing.

(From Meditations for New Mothers by Beth Wilson Saavedra)

Ryan waved good-bye to us as he walked into the school- not with me, or his dad, but by himself, following Mrs. G., I silently said good-bye to my baby, and hello to a confident, independent little boy.  This is the way it is supposed to be, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Here are a few pictures from the last five and half years:

 Ryan in Feb. 2004- he was just barely a month oldRyan February Batch 004

First day of pre-school- Sept. 2008008

Yesterday, at Meet the Teacher008

Cole says good-bye to his big brother019

010

First day of kindergarten- Aug. 2009

Categories
Cancer Family & Friends Health

Thyroid Cancer- Tired

rainbow

I have been on synthroid and cytomel for just over a week, and I am feeling so much better!  I feel like I am in my thirties again- not my nineties.  I know I am not back to my “old self,” yet, but I wonder if there is such a thing.

I don’t think mentally, I will ever be back to my “old self.”  What I mean by that is, I don’t think I can ever go back to that time before I had cancer- that time was an innocence.  I didn’t have to think about being sick.  I didn’t have to worry about how my boys were handling my cancer.  I didn’t have to think about taking medication the moment I woke up every morning.  I didn’t have to worry about doctors, lost time at work, on-going medical and health care, medical bills, insurance denials for some of the care I need, and the one worry that will always be in the back of my mind- what if the cancer comes back?

I had my full body scan today.  They look to see if there is any remaining thyroid tissue in your body- to see how effective the radioactive iodine treatment (RAI) was.  If there is no remaining thyroid tissue, then I will be essentially “cancer free.”  If there is remaining thyroid tissue, I believe I will be given another dose of RAI. 

Right before my surgery, I had a PET scan to see if the cancer had spread to any other areas in my body.  Fortunately, it had not.  But I don’t like being scanned. The machines make me claustrophobic.  The machine today, looked more spacious than the PET scan machine, but after they started the machine lifted me up, and there was a screen just millimeters away from my face.  I started feeling very panicked, and almost called the technician over to stop.  But I closed my eyes, and just tried to imagine myself somewhere else.

It worked, and I calmed down after a few minutes.  Then, after about fifteen minutes, the screen moved away from my face.  As I was lying there with my eyes closed, it just hit me how tired I am of all of this.  Before being diagnosed with thyroid cancer, I was so healthy!  I would catch a few colds every year, but that was it.  It kind of just hit me, that this was my future.  Ultrasounds, scans, and blood work.  

I am very grateful and happy most days that the cancer I have is so treatable, and basically curable.  When I was first diagnosed with thyroid cancer, every medical person told me if I had to have cancer, this was the kind to have.  I thought it was no big deal- I’d have the surgery and move on.

Cancer is cancer, and no matter which kind you have, it is still a major intrusion and interruption into your life, and the lives of your family.  There are side affects, mentally, physically, and emotionally for not just the patient, but for everyone in their circle.   There is no such thing as a “good cancer” or a “better cancer” to have. 

Two months ago, I wouldn’t have written this blog post.  I would have been trying to stay “happy” and “positive.”  While I still feel I have a very positive attitude overall, some days are hard, exhausting, scary, lonely, and isolating.  For me, it is important acknowledge this and to mourn the loss of the care-free health that I had previously. I believe it is okay to feel this way at times, and more importantly it is healthy to allow yourself these feelings. 

Every day is getting better, and I hope to have the results of the scan early next week.  If I am declared “cancer free”, then that is it for now- other than having my synthroid medication adjusted.  I will have to go in every six months for an ultrasound and blood work to watch for any signs of reoccurrence.  I am starting to picture my life in six month blocks.  Six months where I don’t have to take it one day at a time. Six months means I can make plans and start living life again. 

Six months- I know that is a gift, and a gift I will gladly take.  There is a saying, you don’t get a rainbow without rain, and I find that very true for cancer patients and survivors.  For every rainbow you receive, you’ve endured a lot of rain.  I am tired of the rain, and am looking forward to the rainbows.

Categories
Cancer Cole Family & Friends Health Mothering Parenting Ryan School

The End of Summer

As the sun streamed into my room this morning, I couldn’t help but be happy.  A week ago, I said good-bye to my boys expecting to see them in four days.  It turned into a week, because of the radioactive iodine therapy I underwent on Monday for thyroid cancer. 

Initially, I was going to have Cole for the day, and then pick up Ryan later from his grandparent’s house, but as it turned out- I ended up with both boys, and I couldn’t believe how much they had changed in a week!  They both looked older, and I think they both grew at least an inch during the past week.  It was so good to hug and kiss them- this was the longest amount of time I have ever been away from my children.

The day was beautiful, and I took them to the park.  I am so thankful I have energy again, and could actually play with them.  At one point, Cole came up to me, and asked me to hold him.  I picked him up, sat down with him, held him close to me, and kissed the top of his head.  A few moments later, Ryan sat down next to me, and wrapped his arms around my waist and hugged me.  I held him too, and the three of us sat there- reconnecting.

I have had an enormous amount of guilt this last week, regarding this summer and the boys.  This is the last summer we had before Ryan starts kindergarten- a rite of passage- and in my mind, the end of an era for us.  The days of Ryan being at home for the majority of the week, are almost done. He is starting his school career.  I had such plans for the boys and I, for this summer- before I fully realized the impact the cancer surgery, recovery, and treatment was going to take. 

I wanted the summer to be special for them- I wanted them to remember swimming, ice cream and watermelon- not that their mommy had cancer.   But when something like cancer happens, it stops all plans- there is nothing you can do, but start taking it one day at a time.  I had to sacrifice this summer so I could have the autumns, winters, springs, and summers in the future with them.  I wanted to tell them I was sorry- sorry that they had deal with something like this at such a young age. 

As we sat there on the bench in the park, and I held them close to me, it reminded me that the only thing the boys really need from me is my love.  I told them how much I loved them, how proud I was of them, and I was finally feeling better.  The boys told me they loved me too, and Ryan said he could tell “by my face” that I was feeling better.  Then they scooted off of me- the moment was over- and ran to the swings.

I felt it in the air this morning, the coolness- the trace of crispness in the air.  The air isn’t quite summer morning air, but is autumn whispering its approaching presence in the background.  Some things in life are constant- children growing, sickness, health, and love.  My boys will remember this was the summer I was sick with cancer, but they will also remember my love for them, and the love from their family and friends.  That is what matters. 

As this summer slips away, much like childhood, a beautiful, golden autumn will emerge finally- one morning at a time.

Categories
Cancer Family & Friends Health low iodine diet Me Parenting

Thyroid Cancer-D-Day!

I am so happy today!  Today is the the day I finally can take synthroid- the thyroid replacement hormone.  It will have been just two days under two months, since I have been without any thyroid hormones in my body.  I took my first one at 7AM.  I will have to take this medication for the rest of my life. 

The doctors tell me it is not a quick fix, and it is a gradual return to feeling better and normal.  So I am not expecting to take one synthroid and be back to my “old self” but after this long of being in the hypothyroidism state,  I am hopeful  today the downwards trend I have been experiencing for the last eight weeks stops.  It is very rare for the first dosage to be correct, so I am expecting to have to go through a few dosage adjustments as well. 

My doctor also prescribed cytomel for two weeks, to “jump start” my system. I didn’t wake up one day and feel this tired, this fatigued- it was a definite gradual downward change- every day was a little worse than the last, so I am hoping that with feeling better it will be the same.  As long as I feel a little better than the day before, I’ll feel like I am heading in the right direction.  I have to have my blood tested in six weeks to check the dosage, but if I don’t feel better after a few days, I will be calling the endocrinologist.  

Today is also the day I stop the low iodine diet.  It was nice to eat so many fresh foods and vegetables- I am going to try to keep that part of the diet going, but it will be nice to have some milk with cereal, tea again, and I have been craving  homemade popcorn with lots of butter on it.  🙂  I found the hardest part of the diet was just preparing the foods since I have been in the hypothyroidism state for so long.

I received my radioactive iodine therapy (in the form of a pill) on Monday, and  I am radioactive as I write this.  I can be around adults no more than 30 minutes at a time, but can’t place myself in a general population where there would be children, until Thursday.  However, the nuclear medicine doctor, who administered the pill, strongly suggested that I am not around my boys for five to seven days.  She said because of their ages, their cells are much more vulnerable to radioactivity, and it is hard for them to not climb on me, and keep an arms distance away.

I thought I was going to be able to see the boys on Thursday, and I am very sad and miss them like crazy, but under the circumstances, I agree with her.  I don’t want to put my boys at risk and in the grand scheme of things, two more days is worth it, if it eliminates the risk they will be exposed to radiation.  Their dad and his family have been taking care of the boys, and Ryan and Cole have been having a lot of fun. 

I have been at home- really having no energy to do much.  I have been reading, catching up on some paperwork, and I took a very short walk yesterday.  It’s kind of weird thinking of myself being quarantined, but since I have very little energy I don’t feel like going anywhere.

This has really been the hardest thing I have ever had to do, physically.   No energy, fatigue, no mental energy- that is how my body felt physically for so many weeks. 

My family and friends told me to hang in there and not give up- there is light at the end of the tunnel. So many people told me I am stronger than I know.  I didn’t believe them- I certainly didn’t feel strong. In fact, these last two months,  is the weakest I have ever been, physically and mentally. But I learned there is nothing wrong with being weak- I can’t do it all- no one can, and being weak allowed me to accept this. Being at my weakest for so long, showed me that I am stronger than I knew, stronger than I believed. 

I feel like today is my new beginning.  I am finally at the end of this tunnel- and I just don’t see the light, I am in the light.   I have discovered, that I am strong, but there is no shame in being weak either.  Others could see that in me, and now I see it for myself.  But more importantly, today, I believe it.