Thank You for Giving Me Hope

I wrote in my previous post, that my insurance company denied my doctor’s order of a PET CT scan to determine if the cancer had spread to any other areas in my body. I woke up on Friday morning, feeling a little better,  but still- I wanted to know for sure, and I was going to have to learn to live with that shadow of a doubt- always wondering.

My boss, D., asked me to call her after the scan, and let her know how it went.  I called my office on Friday morning.  D., wasn’t available, so I filled a co-worker in on the situation and asked her to fill D. in when she could.  My co-worker was outraged the insurance wouldn’t pay, and it helped to hear someone else was mad and thought the insurance company was ridiculous for denying this. 

I was trying to pack up our stuff for a weekend in Denver at my dad’s house when my phone rang.  It was D.  She asked me what was going on.  I explained to her what the insurance company had told the imaging company and the reasons the insurance gave for denying the order- basically because I wasn’t sick enough yet. 

D. told me that was absolutely absurd, and she was mad for me too.  She asked me how much the scan cost, and was the reason I canceled the scan because of the cost.  I told her yes- we just didn’t have that much money to spare right now.  I was shocked at what D. said next- she said she would like to pay for the scan for me, so I didn’t have to worry and wonder if the cancer was spreading.  She told me I was the mother of two young boys, and I needed to know so I could move on with my life.  She told me we would figure it out someday, and to not worry about it at all- she had it covered.

I couldn’t say anything at first.  I was crying and finally managed to tell her “thank you.”  D. told me she could not imagine not knowing if it were her, and she wanted to do this for me.  She told me to get off the phone and call back the imaging company so I could get an appointment as soon as possible. 

I called them back and I now have an appointment for the scan on Tuesday at 10:30.  They will have the results back to my surgeon in time for my pre-opt. appointment with him on Wednesday.   I called D. back to let her know.  I thanked her countless times.  She told me she was happy to help, and suggested what my friend did- to question the insurance company, and try to get them to pay for it.  But she said if they didn’t, and when I get a bill for it, to let her know.

I told D. I would, and all I could say to her was “thank you.” She told me she hoped this would make this time a little happier, and I have a lot to look forward to in the future.  As we hung up, I was overcome with her generosity and help.  I am still a little shocked thinking about this.  It is such an unexpected bright spot in the weeks of gloom I have had recently. I will know one way or another, what the true condition of my cancer is.  If it bad news I need to find out sooner than later.  Early detection is the key in surviving.   If it is good news, it will be the first step in being able to move on as a cancer survivor after my surgery- without always having that seed of doubt and wonder in the back of my mind.

I am so grateful and appreciative for this unexpected gift. It is no secret that I haven’t been feeling positive lately, despite my best efforts.  D.’s isn’t just helping me get a scan, but her words to me, made me realize what had been really bothering me- the uncertainty of all of this.  I can handle a “brutal” surgery.  I am going to have good days and bad days recovering.  As long as I know the cancer has not spread, and I am going to be fine- I can get through it. 

Not knowing is worse.  It magnifies the odds, no matter how small they are. I lay awake at night wondering if I am going to be around in a year, in five years, in ten years, and my biggest fear has been- what if the cancer has spread, and is slowing killing me, and I don’t even know it?

I will never be able to repay D., even if I repay the money someday.  Being able to get this scan right now, when I need to know- have to know- will give me peace of mind, and the answers I need.  It is the first step to my future- no matter what the results are- I can stop wondering and being scared, and start living my life again.  Not just hoping for the best, but knowing what the best actually is.  

So many people have been so supportive and I honestly can’t thank you all enough- from my family and friends- rearranging their lives to help me right now, to the offers of help- from doing handy work at the house, to cooking meals, to the supportive e-mails, to watching the boys, to paying for the scan, to the thoughtful cards and small gifts that are sent, to listening to me and helping me whenever I need to talk.  

All of these kind acts have given me hope. D.’s offer of help was the icing on the cake-but the cake has been there all along.  I can’t express what it all means to me, so the only thing I can say is thank you. Thank you for giving me hope.  Thank you to everyone-from the bottom of my heart.