feelings about cancer – A Mama's Blog

It has been six days since I found out the extent of the surgery I am facing for my thyroid and lymph node cancers. Everyday the shock wears off a little more, but I think I am still in a state of disbelief. Each day that I have to think about it, is another day I have to think about it and live with cancer. I want to stop thinking about it, but I can’t. I can’t turn my brain off.

As far as the actual condition my body will be in after the surgery, I feel like I can live with most of them. I can handle the pain. I can handle a scar-even if it a U shaped one. I can handle shoulder rehab. I can handle being on a restricted diet for six weeks to prepare my body for the radioactive iodine. I can handle gaining weight and becoming depressed because of this diet. Of course, these aren’t things I want- but I can put my mind around them and realize in the grand scheme of things, they aren’t that bad. With the help of my family and friends, I will get through it.

I can’t handle thinking about how I am going to be numb from my earlobes to my collar bone. That makes me cry just thinking about it. My boys hug me around my neck. I like my neck rubbed. I like my neck kissed, and it seems like a very big loss, to realize I am never going to feel those sensations again. I realize it might not be as bad as I am thinking, and over time, I might gain some feeling back again. But right now it is a causality that I have to mourn.

I have been terrified thinking about the surgery- those last few minutes that I am awake. What if that is it for me? What if I never wake up?

When I do wake up, I am dreading being in the hospital for so long. I have never been away from my boys for longer than three days. I might have to be away from them from seven days. That seems like a life-time. I am so worried about what kind of toll this is having on them, and for me to go away for seven days- my heart breaks thinking about it.

I have been wondering if the cancer is anywhere else in my body. How do I know this hasn’t spread? My dad suggested that I call my doctor and ask him. I did on Monday. They told me that the endocrinologist usually handles this aspect of the case. But they recommended I have a PET CT Scan as soon as possible from my brain to my legs, to find out for sure so they can answer that question for me. I am scheduled for this on Friday.

I let my mind go there for about half an hour on Monday- the major, “What if?” What if the cancer is in the rest of my body?

I feel like I am on auto-pilot. Get through the days so I can go get the PET CT Scan, and then get through the days so I can have the results to that, and then get through the days to the pre-opt appointment, and then get through two more days to the surgery. Somewhere in between there, I am trying to keep a positive attitude and be strong. And hope, with everything that I have, that the cancer has not spread past my lymph nodes.

So I try to get through each hour. I have stayed very busy. I am exhausted but I keep going. When it is quiet, and I don’t have enough to do, then the thoughts I don’t want to think about, start creeping in my mind. I wish the surgery was tomorrow. I think waiting around for that day to come, is one of the hardest parts. I have to keep managing my emotions and thoughts until June 12th.

But as bad as I feel at times, there has also been such an out-pouring of support and love. I never imagined this- never imagined the small things so many people do for me every day, to help the day be a little better, and a little happier.

I decided not to get a second opinion after talking to my family about it. My aunt Laura, has been an intensive care cardiac nurse for over 20 years in for a major hospital in Denver. Laura will tell you how it is- nicely of course- and sometimes not so nice. 🙂 When talking to her she came out and said it- I have cancer. She said she had been looking at different treatment options besides surgery, and there aren’t any. She said I have it, and I have to get it out- what my doctor proposed is the treatment, and it is effective.

I told her I felt confident with what my doctor told me, and she told me that was half the battle- finding a surgeon you feel comfortable and confident with. Laura says that affects the outcome of the surgery. I knew I had already found that doctor, and I felt happy I didn’t have to be searching for another doctor right now. Laura spent a lot of time looking up information for me, and relating it to me in a non-medical way I could understand.

One thing my doctor, Dr. S., told me I could do to be proactive before the surgery was get an appointment with an endocrinologist. Dr. S., gave me the name of the endocrinologist, Dr. M., his wife sees, who also has thyroid cancer. I felt my time would be better spent doing this, than trying to find another doctor to look at my case, and end up telling me the same thing anyway.

I was told when I called Dr. M, that he was too booked up and he was not going to be able to take me as a patient. I was getting motivated to try to find another one, when his office called me today and said Dr. S., had called them and told them he had referred me. They told me I could meet with an associate doctor of Dr. M’s., for the initial appointment and then from that point on, Dr. M., would be my endocrinologist. They told me as long as the doctor met with me before six weeks post-opt, that was fine. I have an appointment in July- a few days shy of the six-week mark. I am not sure what changed, but I am thankful that Dr. S., made the referral for me, and I am now a patient of endocrinologist I wanted.

As far as my neck, my sister, Mara, told me her knee has been numb for 12 years-ever since her knee surgery. She says she can’t feel a very light touch on her knee, but she feels pain on it. She said the numbing would get better. My sister-in-law, Kat’s, left side of her back is numb from back surgery she had ten years ago. Evidently I will fit right in.

My friends Amy, and Kathie, helped me find a great relaxation meditation CD for surgery. I have been listening to this since Sunday night, and I am falling asleep much easier, and I am starting to feel calmer about the surgery.

As far as Ryan and Cole go, all I can do is love them and tell them that. I tell them that much more than I used to. I am also receiving a lot more hugs and kisses from them. They know I am going to the hospital and we talk about that. I keep it very light and very basic with them. But, I feel it is very important that they know why I am going to be away from them, where I am going, and that I am going to be just fine. My children don’t need to know every detail about my health and they are not at an age where they can comprehend it all. But they do know that Mommy has to have an operation at the hospital, and they deserve to have their questions and feelings answered and acknowledged.

My family and friends have been there to listen to me talk about my fears about all of this- the good, the bad, and everything in between, In the end, they all tell me I am going to be fine. In my heart I believe that.

I have realized during these last six days, I do have a choice- I can choose to be depressed and sad, or I can choose to be hopeful and positive. No matter how many bad days I have between now and then. No matter how scared I am. No matter how much I wish this wasn’t happening. I am going to beat this cancer and be healthy again- no matter what.

Once you choose hope, anything’s possible. ~Christopher Reeve

Today I have an appointment with my surgeon, Dr. S., to find out all the details I can on my upcoming thyroid cancer, and lymph nodes removal surgery.

I have basically been a basket case of emotions, since finding out the cancer is in my lymph nodes in my neck last week. I had a few good days, and then a few bad days. I am finding I am not so sad, but angry. I am so furious I have this, and so angry- for whatever reason- it was not caught sooner. Then I have complete moments of panic- where I feel like I can’t breathe. Of course there are tears- many of them from frustration, fear, and sadness.

I realized last night that a lot of these emotions are because, I hardly have any information about this cancer and surgery. The day I found out I had thyroid cancer, I immediately started reading about it on the Internet, and found that I couldn’t. I literally got sick to my stomach at the first few sentences I read.

The words “Survival Rate” might as well have been lit up like a neon casino sign in Vegas. Survival rate means some people don’t survive this. It means people die from what I have. I couldn’t go there mentally. I knew I couldn’t handle sifting through the bad, ugly, and scary statistics to find the good ones. I mentally checked out on finding out more about my cancer.

My family and friends have been giving me bits of information on the cancer, here and there. My dad actually wasn’t surprised to find out the cancer was in my lymph nodes. He told me he didn’t want to worry me until I knew, but in his research he came across information that said about 50% of thyroid cancer patients, do end up having the cancer in their lymph nodes. He told me the “Survival Rate” was still very high- at about 97%.

I didn’t hear 97% though- I heard 3% die. I wasn’t supposed to be that one person out of ten, with an abnormality that had cancer. But I am. I am having a hard time not thinking that I could be in that 3% that doesn’t survive. Unlikely-yes, but still- the chance is there, no matter how small.

I am at the crossroads where I had to make a decision. Do I keep my head buried in the sand, so I don’t have to think- don’t have to worry- don’t have to feel- don’t have to deal? Honestly, that is what I want to do. I want to climb into bed, and shut out everything for two weeks, and wake up cancer free. Or do I face this head-on, finding out the good, the bad, and the ugly of it all- no matter how bad and ugly I find it to be?

I can go into Dr. S’s office and sit there. I can listen to what he has to say, nod my head in the appropriate places, shake his hand, thank him for his time, and leave. I will leave more informed than I was, and won’t have to listen to his answers to the bad and the ugly.

One of my best friends, Amy (Crunchy Domestic Goddess), uses a phrase I like a lot- ‘knowledge is power.’ For me, I know I need to have those bad and ugly questions in the back of my mind that I barely let myself think about, answered. I need to feel empowered about my cancer and surgery, and the only way I am going to feel that way is to get all my questions answered- no matter how good, how bad, or how ugly the answers may be.

I have sat for hours. The first time really, since April 18th-the day I found out I have thyroid cancer, and let myself acknowledge those questions that have been trying to surface in my mind, that I have been shutting out. And now, they are on paper. My darkest fears, and my biggest hopes. Writing out the words to form these questions, and having them stare back at me in my own handwriting just made this extremely real for me. My questions, my fears, and my hopes, are real. My cancer is real.

So today I am going into Dr. S.’s office and I will sit there. I will listen to what he has to say. I will nod my head in the appropriate places. But before I shake his hand and thank him, I will ask him my questions- all of them- the good, the bad, and the ugly. I will write down his answers. I will ask more questions if they arise. I will have the knowledge I need to be empowered. I will deal with the bad and the ugly through the help of my family and friends.

I am hoping, by learning, and accepting the bad and the ugly information about my cancer, I will be able to start to understand what I am facing. When I have acknowledged and dealt with the bad and ugly, the only thing left will be the good. That is the place where I want my journey with cancer to conclude, and today is my first step in making sure that is where it will end-with the good.