Today I have an appointment with my surgeon, Dr. S., to find out all the details I can on my upcoming thyroid cancer, and lymph nodes removal surgery.
I have basically been a basket case of emotions, since finding out the cancer is in my lymph nodes in my neck last week. I had a few good days, and then a few bad days. I am finding I am not so sad, but angry. I am so furious I have this, and so angry- for whatever reason- it was not caught sooner. Then I have complete moments of panic- where I feel like I can’t breathe. Of course there are tears- many of them from frustration, fear, and sadness.
I realized last night that a lot of these emotions are because, I hardly have any information about this cancer and surgery. The day I found out I had thyroid cancer, I immediately started reading about it on the Internet, and found that I couldn’t. I literally got sick to my stomach at the first few sentences I read.
The words “Survival Rate” might as well have been lit up like a neon casino sign in Vegas. Survival rate means some people don’t survive this. It means people die from what I have. I couldn’t go there mentally. I knew I couldn’t handle sifting through the bad, ugly, and scary statistics to find the good ones. I mentally checked out on finding out more about my cancer.
My family and friends have been giving me bits of information on the cancer, here and there. My dad actually wasn’t surprised to find out the cancer was in my lymph nodes. He told me he didn’t want to worry me until I knew, but in his research he came across information that said about 50% of thyroid cancer patients, do end up having the cancer in their lymph nodes. He told me the “Survival Rate” was still very high- at about 97%.
I didn’t hear 97% though- I heard 3% die. I wasn’t supposed to be that one person out of ten, with an abnormality that had cancer. But I am. I am having a hard time not thinking that I could be in that 3% that doesn’t survive. Unlikely-yes, but still- the chance is there, no matter how small.
I am at the crossroads where I had to make a decision. Do I keep my head buried in the sand, so I don’t have to think- don’t have to worry- don’t have to feel- don’t have to deal? Honestly, that is what I want to do. I want to climb into bed, and shut out everything for two weeks, and wake up cancer free. Or do I face this head-on, finding out the good, the bad, and the ugly of it all- no matter how bad and ugly I find it to be?
I can go into Dr. S’s office and sit there. I can listen to what he has to say, nod my head in the appropriate places, shake his hand, thank him for his time, and leave. I will leave more informed than I was, and won’t have to listen to his answers to the bad and the ugly.
One of my best friends, Amy (Crunchy Domestic Goddess), uses a phrase I like a lot- ‘knowledge is power.’ For me, I know I need to have those bad and ugly questions in the back of my mind that I barely let myself think about, answered. I need to feel empowered about my cancer and surgery, and the only way I am going to feel that way is to get all my questions answered- no matter how good, how bad, or how ugly the answers may be.
I have sat for hours. The first time really, since April 18th-the day I found out I have thyroid cancer, and let myself acknowledge those questions that have been trying to surface in my mind, that I have been shutting out. And now, they are on paper. My darkest fears, and my biggest hopes. Writing out the words to form these questions, and having them stare back at me in my own handwriting just made this extremely real for me. My questions, my fears, and my hopes, are real. My cancer is real.
So today I am going into Dr. S.’s office and I will sit there. I will listen to what he has to say. I will nod my head in the appropriate places. But before I shake his hand and thank him, I will ask him my questions- all of them- the good, the bad, and the ugly. I will write down his answers. I will ask more questions if they arise. I will have the knowledge I need to be empowered. I will deal with the bad and the ugly through the help of my family and friends.
I am hoping, by learning, and accepting the bad and the ugly information about my cancer, I will be able to start to understand what I am facing. When I have acknowledged and dealt with the bad and ugly, the only thing left will be the good. That is the place where I want my journey with cancer to conclude, and today is my first step in making sure that is where it will end-with the good.