Last summer, the boys’ daycare provider closed her daycare. Cole had been with her since he had been 18 months old. She loved the boys, and the boys loved her. We have always been fortunate and thankful the boys’ grandmother can watch the boys on the long days I work.
On the shorter days, Ryan is in school now, so I had to find part-time care for Cole and back-up care. When I found J., our previous provider, it was a little easier because I had two kids that needed care. Finding part-time care for one child, was a challenge-most providers don’t accept part-time kids. It took me almost two months to find an acceptable replacement.
In late November, I found A., who was willing to take Cole on a part-time basis, and to provide back-up care when the boys’ grandmother isn’t available. When we met A., I had both boys with me, and Cole was happy as a clam. There was another boy who was also 3, who attended full-time, so Cole would have a friend to play with. They played great together while we were there for our interview, and everything seemed and felt right.
But every time it is time to go to A’s, Cole cries. He says he doesn’t like it, and he wants me to stay home with him. Last week he asked me why I have to go to work. I haven’t experienced “mommy guilt,” on a regular basis, but the past few months it hits me every time I take him to A.’s. Last week he cried for 20 minutes when I dropped him off. It wasn’t just a tear- he was sobbing. I felt like I was sending him off to war.
Part of it is he has never done anything on his own without Ryan. Whenever he has been away from myself or his dad, Ryan has been with him, or he was in the care of his grandparents. Part of it is he doesn’t attend day care full time, so it makes the adjustment harder. Part of it is he is 3. It is a hard age for changes.
A. has been great. I have no qualms about the care she is giving Cole. She has done daycare for 25 years, and is very capable and loving. She told me last week Cole almost has fun, if he would just let himself go. She said it is like he starts to have fun, and the “remembers” he isn’t supposed to like being there, so he gets upset. Last week we made a few changes, and I was actually greeted with a smiling boy when I picked him up. A. switched their art days to times when Cole would be there. He had painted two pictures, and was so proud. We also let him decide if he wanted to take a nap, or just have quiet resting time. The choice seemed to give Cole a little control.
When we got home, I gave Cole some tape and told him he could hang the picture anywhere he wanted. He hung it right above my bed. I realized that he was so proud he had something to bring home. Ryan brings home enough papers, drawings, books, and artwork to open a gallery. Cole never seemed to be bothered by this, but I think he liked having something he brought home.
The boys ask me what we are doing the next day at bedtime. When I have told Cole the next day was a day at A.’s, he would cry. Last night he didn’t cry. This morning he wasn’t stressed and didn’t cry in the car on the way over, but he did want me to hold his hand as we walked up to her door.
A little girl in the daycare throws her arms around Cole the minute we walk in, and usually Cole stands as stiff as a board. Today he hugged her back. He asked me what colors I liked, because he was going to make me another picture. I told him, gave him a hug, and then he left me to go play with the other little boy. When I picked him up, he was so proud to show me that he had made me two pictures. One of them was a hot pink lizard with a red tongue. He said he made it pink, because that is a girl color. When we got home, he hung it up right next to his picture from last week.
It is one of the hardest things to have to leave your child, when they are crying at daycare. It is hard when they are happy, but at least you can tell yourself they are having a good time while you are gone. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do if things didn’t improve. It didn’t feel right to have Cole so upset when it was time to go to A.’s, but I also don’t have a lot of options. I’m relieved that it doesn’t appear that I will have face that issue.
Having your child make a change out of necessity, whether it is day care, or because a new sibling is born, etc. is tough. But it also gives the child a sense of accomplishment, as they adjust. Sometimes it takes longer than we would like, but more often than not, they get there. As parents, we don’t always have all the answers. At times you just have to listen to your instincts, go with what you think is best, and hope it turns out okay for everyone involved.
As Cole handed me my painting today with a big, happy, smile on his face, I was so proud of him. He’s adjusting to daycare as he needs to, and in his own way- today was the turning point, and a milestone for him. He will be fine. And I will always have one very special pink lizard painting-to remind me.
