Category: Pregnancy & Birth

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Cole Family & Friends Household Mothering Parenting Pregnancy & Birth Ryan Work

Am I Lucky?

*********WARNING*********

The post below is what it took for us to have me be a stay-at-home-mom.  I know that isn’t everyone’s choice or circumstances.  I am not judging anyone for their choices in this post- but it is my frank and honest thoughts, and experiences.  I wanted to “warn” anyone who may have torn feelings about not being able to stay-at-home, what this post is about.  I have listed some benefits, and observations on staying home that have been true for us.  I don’t want to accidentally make anyone feel bad if they read this post, not knowing what it is about.  If you are still interested in reading the post, please continue below. Thank you. 

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We had a lot of family events this summer, where I constantly heard, “You are so lucky,” in response to the question you always get asked at parties: “What do you do?”  Of course my answer was, “I’m a stay-at-home-mom.”

The first few times I heard “You are so lucky,” I nodded my head and agreed.  However, once I kept hearing it over and over, I started to wonder, was I really lucky, and how do you define luck?  Webster’s defines luck, lucky, and so forth as: 1: having good luck, 2: happening by chance, 3: producing or resulting in good by chance.  It also says lucky stresses the agency of chance in bringing about a favorable result.

After reading these definitions, I decided that I am not lucky because I am a stay-at-home-mom.  I know these people were just trying to be nice and make conversation, but the more I heard “You are so lucky,” the more annoyed I became.  Obviously, luck is random.  It is not something that you can plan for, and it usually just happens. 

That is the total opposite of what and how Joe and I planned for our lives as parents.  When we were dating, we both agreed wholeheartedly that we did not want to leave our children in daycare.  We know some people don’t have an option, but at that point in time we did.  That was a very important priority for us, so we planned our lives around this belief.

We didn’t spend beyond our means.  We didn’t take elaborate vacations, building up debt.  We both worked full-time jobs and tried to save as much as we could.  We didn’t go out and buy every new electronic gadget that came out.  We never charged anything that we couldn’t pay off that month.  Both of our cars were older; I finally got a new car a few months after we found out I was pregnant with Ryan.  We bought a year old used car, and my previous car by that time was 11 years old and had over 150k miles on it. 

Joe worked his way through college after high school, lived at home, and he worked full-time.  I wasn’t fortunate to go to college after high school, and didn’t start attending college until I was 25.  I paid as I went, never taking out one student loan, because I didn’t want the obligation of being in debt for years.  It took me 4 years of working full-time and attending school at night to complete an Associate’s degree, and I finished that when I was 8.5 months pregnant with Ryan.  Not the educational path most choose to take.  I do hope to complete my Bachelor’s degree one day, but in the meantime I have no student loans I have to pay back.

When Ryan was born, I was able to take four months off, and return to my job part-time.  Joe’s schedule allowed him to be home when I went to work, so Joe watched Ryan when I was at work.  In February 2005, my job ended when the company I worked for was sold.  Thus, I entered into being a full time stay-at-home-mom.  Did that all happen by chance?  Was it just pure luck that I found myself unemployed, and didn’t need to rush right out and find another job, so we could make ends meet?  Well no, frankly, Joe and I planned for this moment, and we lived our lives for six years, being able to achieve that plan. 

As almost any family living on one income knows, it is hard.  You have to be careful and watch your nickels and dimes.  Not to say that Joe and I don’t spend money, because we do- we are planning on buying a new house in the near future, but for day-to-day, we watch what we spend it on, and try not to get sucked into the media’s version of what they tell us we need to be happy.  We don’t need a new car every few years.  We don’t need an iPod, or an iPhone.  Yes, I would love new gadgets, but making those little choices on how to spend money today, allows us to keep the lifestyle that we value tomorrow.

So, when I hear, “You are lucky,” it bugs me.  We are not lucky, but self-disciplined, and have made sacrifices so we can afford to have me stay at home.  It was hard for me to give up Starbucks whenever I had the whim, getting my hair highlighted and cut every six weeks in a cushy salon.  It was hard not buying new clothes, when I wouldn’t have thought twice about it when I was working (I like to shop), and new things for the house, when I stopped working, and we no longer had a dual income.  It is hard when we have to shell out money for unexpected expenses that we haven’t planned on.  It means we have to watch our money that much closer.  

However, being at home and being with my babies right now, while they are young is priceless.  No house, car, gadget, or vacation, can compare with knowing that we are doing what we feel is best for our children, which is my being home with them.  My friend, Amy, wrote once on her blog something to the effect that she may have lots of regrets in her life, but she knows that choosing to stay home with her children will not be one of them.  I echo that.  Money, and material things only go so far.  If I give up this precious time with my children to work full-time, I know one day, when they are grown up and gone, I will wonder what it would have been like to be at home with them, for this short window of time.  I know I will regret it. 

So I am not lucky that Joe and I planned and worked hard so that I could be a stay-at-home mother.  However, I am fortunate, blessed, and thankful, that Joe and I had the foresight to realize years before we had children, that we wanted them to be at home with one of us.  Not everyone realizes that, and when they do, they may not be able to work out circumstances to stay at home. 

Having said all of this, I am lucky there are so many choices for stay at home mothers today.  I am extremely fortunate that a very part-time job found me.  Today, I go back to work one day a week, at an accounting firm.  At some point it may work out where I can work a half-day as well on Saturday, and Joe will be able to watch the boys.  Because of my wonderful in-laws who will be watching the boys, I was able to accept this opportunity that will allow me to keep my skills current, and to keep my foot in the door in my industry.

Joe and I talked about it a lot, and we feel because his parents are watching the boys, it was too good of an opportunity to pass on.  The boys will still be with family, and we know they will still have the environment that we wanted for them.  I get to have some hours every week where I am using what I already know, and learning more for my career.  If and when we decide the time is right for me to increase the amount I work, like when the boys are in school, this firm has already told me I can do that.  Ryan and Cole get to spend a full day every week with their grandparents, who they absolutely adore- who really are like second parents to them.  I could not have asked for more.  Now that is being lucky!

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c-sections Cole Pregnancy & Birth Ryan

C-Sections Causing Women to Die in Childbirth

If you haven’t seen this new report just out, it is definitely worth a read, if you, or anyone you know is considering a Cesarean section.

If you have been reading my blog for a while now, you know that I gave birth to my first son, Ryan, via C-section.  He was a breech baby, (meaning his feet were down-not the ideal birthing position), and there are hardly any OB’s anymore that will consider attending a birth, when they know the baby is breech presentation, or hospitals that will allow them.

After trying an external cephalic version, (where the Dr. tries to turn the baby, by massaging the uterus- mother is drugged up!), that failed to turn Ryan, she recommended a C-section.

At the time, I believed that was really the only option left, so I agreed to it.  Knowing what I know now, there are SO many other options to try.  Hypnosis (which has about an 80% success rate, versus only 60% success rate of the external version), and acupuncture, just to name two other options (which are natural, drug free choices).  At the time though, we made the best decision we could with the information we had.  If you are in a similar situation, I urge you to check out other options.  Despite what even the best doctor will tell you, a C-section is MAJOR abdominal surgery with many risks.

I was happy to see this article pointing out the REAL-LIFE risks associated with C-sections.  Too many times today we hear in the media about Famous Actress, going in for a C-section, like she is going in for a haircut, and we never hear about increased risk of hemorrhaging, blood vessel blockages and infections.

It also REALLY bugs me that these articles never point out that Famous Actress has access to nurses, nannies, cooks, and household help, that the average woman does not.  It is a lot easier to recover from major surgery with an army of help at your disposal.  When it is just yourself, and your husband, trying to take care of a newborn, and stay on top of the household, it slows the recovery time down considerably, and leaves you susceptible for incision infections, leading to even more complications.

The media has made C-sections the “trendy,” and preferred way to have a baby.  Not to mention how so many doctors are afraid of being sued, so they just automatically recommend repeat C-sections, and completely disregard the VBAC (vaginal birth after Cesarean) option, which is a very safe option for the majority of women.  Of course C-sections have their place, but when women and doctors choose a C-section merely for the convenience factor, or they are “to posh to push,” they are putting themselves at a higher risk for problems, perhaps even death.

After seeing this article last night, I also saw it today in my local paper, and the bigger capital city paper that we get.  I hope small steps like this help change the perception that C-sections are safer than vaginal birth, because in general they are not.

I am also very happy to say, that I was able to have a VBAC birth with Cole.  My local hospital didn’t allow VBAC’s, so we chose another hospital about 10 miles away that did allow women to choose this option.  As my friend Amy says, “Knowledge is Power,” so please educate yourself, and do your own research into the subject if you could be facing a C-section.  All our babies need their mama’s around, and it is so sad when ANY woman dies during childbirth- but it is truly a tragedy if it could have been prevented.

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c-sections Current Events Parenting Pregnancy & Birth

I Thought I Had My Hands Full…

The Duggar family of Arkansas, had their 17th child on Thursday.  Jim Bob (who is a former State House Rep.), and Michelle had a baby girl, Jennifer Danielle , who weighed 8 lbs. 8 oz.  Jennifer is the 7th girl for the family.

The Duggar Family has appeared on Discovery Health Network before, sharing their life on how they are raising 17 children; the oldest child being 19 years old.

I have seen some of these specials, and I have to say, they seem very organized and have a great system down.  Michelle nurses each baby until they are one, and then the child gets paired with an older child as a “helper,” who helps the younger child dress, eat, etc.  I also think it is important to note that they support themselves entirely- Jim works in real estate and also has had a business selling used cars.

Having your 17th child in itself is noteworthy, but I was very happy to read the story at People.com, and they mentioned that Jim said Michelle had Jennifer, via VBAC or or vaginal birth after Caesarean.

Having had a VBAC with, Cole, there isn’t a lot of support for it- most doctors just recommend a repeat C-section, even though it is major abdominal surgery, and the recovery time is much longer.  I imagine with 17 children, Michelle would need to be back on her feet as soon as possible.  Good for her for having a VBAC, which is the normal way to have babies, and good for People.com for mentioning this fact!

You can see a picture of all the Duggars at the above link to People, and if you are interested in VBAC, check out this great blog by Kendra, who just recently welcomed her 2nd daughter by VBAC.  She has lots of well researched, and current information on VBAC. (Her blog is also listed in my Blogroll, under VBAC Adventure).

I’ll have to remember the Duggars the next time I am feeling overwhelmed- 🙂

Categories
Breastfeeding Mothering Pregnancy & Birth Ryan

It is All Worth It

Motherhood- it starts the moment you find out you are pregnant, and am told it never ends until you stop breathing.  Even when your children are ‘grown and gone’ you will still wonder and worry about them.

You lose your body during pregnancy (even though it is the most wonderful thing ever- to be growing a new human), and start down the lovely road of sleepless nights.  If you are pregnant, and someone says, “sleep now before the baby comes,” that is a dead give away that this person has never been pregnant.

During pregnancy you read and try to cram everything you can into your brain about pregnancy, babies, diet, health, labor, birth, breastfeeding, etc. into every spare minute you have.  You selfishly give up any and all remnants of a life that included eating what you wanted, drinking, and staying up late- all for the good of your unborn child.

Then comes the actual day this unborn baby is born, and again, it is the most wonderful and powerful thing, but for a lot of women it is also a lot of work, pain, and well, labor.  You surrender to your body, and let what ever needs to happen to get the baby out of you, happen.  If you were modest before childbirth, there is a great chance you won’t be after. Need I say more?

When your sweet baby is finally born, you have exactly 2 seconds to catch your breath, and then start worrying about your child.  Is he breathing OK? What is his weight?  Is he crying?  Why isn’t he crying? Is he crying too much?  Why won’t he stop crying?

“Food- ah that’s it!  My baby wants to eat- that will stop the crying,” you tell yourself as you try to nurse the baby for the first time.  If it is your first child, you think you know what you are doing, but in reality, you probably would have more confidence trying to climb up Mt. Everest in a blindfold- it just takes practice to perfect.   If it is a subsequent child you do know what you are doing, but must guide the baby until he gets the hang of nursing.

Then life with the babe starts, and you realize you didn’t know how good you had it while you were pregnant, and could at least shower and brush your teeth every day.  You probably have taken some time off from work, or even decided to stay-at-home with your baby, putting your career on hold, to raise your child(ren). 

You don’t regret that decision for a moment, but some days you wish you could go to an office for a few hours and talk to GROWN-UPS.  You wish you could have a business lunch, where you didn’t have to lug around a sippy cup, baby food, crackers, a diaper bag sports equipment duffel bag along, with all of baby’s toys, food, diapers, and gear.  You wish you could finish a train of  thought, or finish a conversation without having someone baby, babies, or toddler in the background crying, or screaming.  You wish you had a project where you could see immediate results and actually have someone thank you or tell you, you did a good job. 

If you get two or three hours of sleep continually through the first year, count yourself lucky.  If not, you can join the ranks of those of us who sit up at night, after night, after night, with our babies, who won’t or can’t sleep for more than a few hours at a time.  You think back to PBL (pre-baby-life) that a bad night was when you didn’t get EIGHT uninterrupted hours of sleep.  Yes, you could get through the day on six or seven, on a rare occasion, but anything less than eight, forget it- you were a walking zombie.  As you sit in the dark, staring at a wall, now knowing what a walking zombie REALLY is (it is what you have become), you tell yourself it won’t be like this forever- it will be easier when the child(ren) are older, and it will all be worth it one day. 

My day arrived this morning, when my sweet, charming, adorable, 3 year old son woke up, and discovered his daddy had already left work.  He started to cry, and I held out my sleep-deprived arms for him and said,

“It’s okay, sweetie- mama’s here.  Come give me a hug.” 

To which he actually gave me a look like a scowl and ever-so-firmly said,        

“You need to go to work, and Dad needs to stay home with me.”        

I replied,

“My work is to stay at home, and take care of you and your brother.” 

To which he said,

“NO- you need a job, and Dad needs to stay home with us.”

Yes, hearing that makes it all worth while.  🙂

Categories
Breastfeeding Cole Parenting Pregnancy & Birth

Ina May Gaskin

Tonight I got to hear “The Greatest Midwife in the World”, Ina May Gaskin, speak for two hours.  She was amazing, and had wonderful things to say about birth, how she became a midwife, her birthing experiences as a mother and as a midwife, breastfeeding, and parenting.

I read one of her books, “Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth,” when I was pregnant with Cole, and it affirmed my desire to attempt a VBAC (vaginal birth after a Cesarean) with Cole.   The book was so powerful for me, in helping me realize that my body knew what to do, and I didn’t need to be afraid of childbirth.  I used some of what I read by her, while I was birthing Cole, and I know it helped me have a successful VBAC.

It was an honor to hear her speak, and I even got to chat with her for a few minutes afterwards, and got her autograph!  I feel like a birth groupie.

My friend, Amy, wrote a very nice piece on Ina May today, on her blog, so if you want to find out more about Ina May, and some of her background, visit Amy’s blog. 

If you are pregnant, do yourself a favor, and at least read, “Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth.”  I guarantee you will find something in there that will help you feel more confident and in control of your birthing experience, as well as learn amazing and wonderful things about your body, and how childbirth works.  She has a wonderful tone and approach and reading the book is almost like chatting with a very experienced friend, who has been through it, and can tell you anything you need to know.  I enjoyed the book so much, I read it in two hours.  You won’t regret reading it. 

In my opinion, they should make this mandatory reading for every teen-age girl in school, so future generations of girls / women will understand how their bodies work, and this will start the process of changing the attitude that birth is a medical emergency, and also take the fear out of childbirth.