Category: Mothering

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c-sections Cole Mothering Parenting Ryan

End Of An Era- A Mama’s Blog Final Blog Post

I entered the blogosphere on January 27, 2007. My eldest son, Ryan, was 3. My “baby” Cole, was 8-months old. Eight years later, they aren’t babies, toddlers, or even children anymore. They are a pre-teen and a “tween”.

Ryan just started 6th grade and middle school. He’s now 11.5 years old- going on 60, as I like to say. He’s so responsible, caring, conscientious, and a wonderful big brother. He loves bikes, sprinting, Legos, football, Boy Scouts, and movies.

Cole just started 4th grade. He is 9. He’s funny, quick minded, and extremely good at math. He can do any impression, and has a lot of voices he likes to talk in. I think he could be the next Adam Sandler, if he wanted to. He loves bikes, lacrosse, Legos, inventing things, figuring out how things work, and movies.

I never planned to stop “Mommy Blogging.” I have truly loved it and I have a wonderful journal of many memories of my boys, these past eight years. Sometimes I’ll come across a post I wrote, read it and I really don’t even remember the event happening, but I blogged it, so I know it did happen. Some of those early years were a haze. But I’m so glad I blogged for the time I did, and have the written record of my boys’ early childhood days.

At times, blogging provided me with a much needed outlet- to share and connect with other women who I didn’t know in “real life” and of course my “real life” friends too, all of us who were trying to figure out this motherhood thing. It provided me a community of support and friends.

As I found my way, I started blogging about other issues that mattered to me as a mother and a woman. One of the most traumatic things I ever experienced was a C-section with the birth of Ryan. Writing my account of my C-section, “The Reality of C-Sections” post, what I had learned from it, sharing with other women, what I wasn’t told or prepared for, and my road to recovery from it, in January 2008 is the number one read blog post on A Mama’s Blog. It still receives over 150 page views a day. Seven years later it still is the post that generates the most views and readers to A Mama’s Blog.

That tells me, C-sections are still a real concern and subject of interest for women. If no one ever reads another post on A Mama’s Blog, the number of women who have read that post, leaves me with a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. The hundreds and hundreds of emails I’ve received from women all over the WORLD, thanking me for sharing that and helping inform about C-Sections, it was one thing that I was able to do here: share and help heal from the trauma countless women experience from C-sections, but do not feel supported to heal from. Myself included. I’m incredibly humbled from all the stories I have heard from you- over the years, on your own traumatic C-sections.

Every time I read an email from a woman telling me my post made her reconsider an “elective C-section,” well, it matters. All the women who tell me they too, pushed and demanded a VBAC for their births after a C-section, after reading my story, has been inspiring. Women are finding their “birth voices” again, and speaking up. We have found that how we give birth DOES matter. To us, to our families, and to our babies. It is one of the legacies I feel evolved from A Mama’s Blog. We as women and mothers have power- and we have a right to have our voices heard. Never just settle for something because a doctor tells you this is how it is, if you feel it isn’t right. Trust your body and your instincts- your body does know how to give birth. And in turn, we give birth to the next generation and pass this along to them, so our sons and daughters are informed on their birth options when the time comes for them, and it will. Sooner than we can imagine.

I have stopped writing about Ryan and Cole now for some time. They are both very private, and I never felt right about “blogging” about them. I think it is one thing to share stories of them with the world, when they are babies, toddlers, and young children. But at some point, not sure exactly when- but it has happened- their stories aren’t mine to tell and share. They belong to my boys. I have a wonderful relationship with them, and I would never want to betray that or have them find out and see some day I was sharing their stories about them, on a blog. It’s more important to me to have that trust with them, than to be a “Mommy Blogger.” So the past few years, I’ve blogged not about them- but issues I found interesting, my health, and my running.

I couldn’t pull the plug on blogging altogether. I couldn’t and didn’t want to say “good-bye” to A Mama’s Blog– my blog. I love writing. I have always been a writer. I found an audience and built a wonderful readership here. Writing saved my sanity when I was going through a divorce and cancer in 2009, and once again, I found a supportive community of many others, who were going through similar issues.

But it never felt like a fit, writing about these different subjects after I stopped blogging about Ryan and Cole. A Mama’s Blog is a parenting blog. It was meant to be about children, babies, birth, being mothers, and how that brought us all together as women. It’s never felt quite right to me, to totally have it go in a different direction from this.

So I have made the decision to let all the posts I wrote from my heart and shared with the world, through A Mama’s Blog, stand on their own, and leave it. As it was meant to be- a blog about a new mother figuring out parenting, and evolving, hoping one day her sons would want to read some it, and see who their mother was, as a person- beyond as they saw me as “Mom.” Going through life’s up’s and down’s, but remembering no matter what- my boys were the best and most important thing that ever happened to me. That is how I want A Mama’s Blog to stand, to be remembered, and come across in Google searches. 🙂

As for Ryan and Cole- one day- they will have this blog that their mother wrote- for them really, from my heart. It was always about Ryan and Cole- no matter what. My goal with writing A Mama’s Blog, is complete now.

This means me closing the book on my very successful (for me) blog, that I spent years creating. I remember thinking when I started writing my blog, if I had 50 readers one day, well I would consider myself happy and that would be great. When I checked my stats, one last time today, and I’ve not checked them for a very long time, my mouth fell open when I saw I had 50 readers of course but also had almost TEN THOUSAND times that to date. Over the years almost half a million visitors have read my blog, and they have generated almost one million page views! That wasn’t me- that was you, the readers, who made A Mama’s Blog part of your lives. As a sleep deprived mom, just starting to write about her life as a new mom, that was a dream I never thought I possible, but it filled my heart with a lot of joy today, realizing what the blog has grown to.

A Mama’s Blog opened up opportunities for me I never imagined. I was a blogger for the American Cancer Society for a year in 2010. I was able to help so many people going through thyroid cancer. I got to go to New York for this. I have met so many wonderful mothers and bloggers over the years, some of who have turned into very good friends. I had more opportunities open up to me that I just never had time to take on, but it always touched me that others resonated with what I was blogging and wanted to work with me. I never would have imagined the success I had, writing that first blog post about Ryan and Cole, one January evening in 2007. I have loved every minute of blogging.

Like many aspects of motherhood, we sacrifice our personal preferences at times, for our children. I would love to write about my boys- they are truly amazing- but I don’t come first. They do. They always have and always will. They were my inspiration and reasons for starting A Mama’s Blog, and they are my inspiration and reason for concluding it now. It’s time. It’s the end of an era.

So the time has come for me to write this final post. I can’t really find the words to thank all my readers and subscribers over the years. So many readers write and thank me for writing a post. But, really without my readers, I wouldn’t have had a successful blog. The “thanks” is mutual. There are no words to really express my appreciation and gratitude for my blog readers. There were many times, when I really didn’t know what I was going to do- when I was sick, or in a hard spot. I’d receive an email from a reader, or a comment, and it gave me such hope or inspired me some way.

That is another aspect I love about blogging- it’s not just one sided. I may write, but I learn just as much from reading comments and emails my readers send to me too.

I am leaving A Mama’s Blog as it is. I’m not closing down the site. I have closed all the comments though, and I’m not going to write new content. I will leave all the posts up and I know it will still continue to reach women. Maybe that new mother up at 3AM one night, searching for a topic about her new baby or motherhood, that she’s concerned about, will be guided to A Mama’s Blog. A woman suffering from a post traumatic C-section will come across my posts about C-sections. A scared cancer patient may find something I wrote about it, helpful, and feel not so alone or scared. Or a mother will just read something and realize she isn’t in this by herself- others have been through where she is now, made it through, and she will too. One quote I used a lot in my posts were, “This too, shall pass.” It always does, and we all have incredible resilience as women and mothers- more than we know at times. I always wanted to help women and I feel leaving A Mama’s Blog site up will continue to do that.

I’m going to leave A Mama’s Blog’s Facebook Page up for now, but I’m not going to be active there anymore either. It’s a public site and there are some links to various issues relating to motherhood I’ve found interesting, but it isn’t where my passion is.

Thinking about what to do about A Mama’s Blog over the years, has lead me to a new experience and a new blog. I never wanted to give up blogging, but never felt as passionate about any other subjects like I did mothering, to motivate me to put the energy into starting a new blog.

But, sometimes it’s not the right time for a new venture. When it is- you know it. While A Mama’s Blog is ending, I’m very excited to announce I’m starting a brand new blog. This isn’t about my children, it’s about me. I know it will require starting all over again- from the first reader, but I found an audience for A Mama’s Blog, and I know I will find an audience for my new blog.

The subjects are quite different, and while some of A Mama’s Blog readers may follow my new blog, and of course I would love that, I realize a different subject, different audience. I wanted to let my readers know though; I’m not just completely vanishing. I am a writer and my new blog is the subject that I’m passionate about now and is a subject I can share and write about.

My new blog is Running Free Blog. It is about my transitioning from traditionalist running to minimalist running style, and my journey to finally run a marathon with this running method. It isn’t a “running blog” per say, but I hope it will inspire and motivate my readers to follow their dreams, whether that is running, or looking for a new job. My dream is to run a marathon injury free. If you aren’t a runner, it doesn’t matter- we can achieve whatever we want, if we allow our minds to believe we can. That is part of the journey and the process. I’m going to be writing about that, as much as I am about running.

I’m also going to be providing tips for people who are running the traditional way and sharing what I’m learning about minimalist “barefoot” running too. I’m going to share how you can run low cost as well- you don’t have to spend a lot of money to run. I am going share my love of running and how I inspire and train myself, as a busy single mother, who works full time, and has other things going on in life. It will be my next journey- from the first steps I run minimalist- to the finish line of a marathon- and everything in between.

So while I hope you join me at Running Free Blog, I realize sometimes you can’t take the past with you. It’s a new chapter for me. I look forward to connecting with many of my A Mama’s Blog reader’s at Running Free Blog and Running Free Blog’s Facebook Page. I look forward to all the new connections I will make too, who will hopefully allow me to inspire and motivate them- even just a little bit- to achieve anything they can dream of. I know in turn, you will help continue to inspire me- you always have.

It’s the end of an era for A Mama’s Blog, but what an era it has been! The last thing I have left to say to my readers is THANK YOU! Thank you from my heart, for the last 8 years and 7 months, being my blog’s readers, subscribers, supporters, but most of all- my friends. ♥♥♥

********************************************

Now for the final pictures.

These were the first two pictures I ever posted of Ryan and Cole in my first ever blog post. Ages 3 and 8-months. Their first appearance on the blog.

ryan 1

cole 1

This is Cole and Ryan on August 19, 2015 on the first day of school. Ages 9 and 11.5. Their final appearance on the blog.

ryancole

“What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from”~
T.S. Eliot

Categories
Current Events Mothering

“Equal Justice Under Law”

EqualJusticeUnderLawImage

While we finally have equal marriage rights in the US (it’s about time) we still don’t truly have “equal justice under law”- the words etched on the outside of the Supreme Court building.

African American males have been targeted for DECADES and questioned, suspected, beat, abused, and gunned down execution style by some policemen in this country, solely based on their skin color. This has been tolerated for decades by police departments, cities, and even sometimes the very people who are supposed to ensure, these crimes don’t happen. This isn’t “equal justice for all.”

Woman of all ethnicities are still paid on average 25% less for doing the same job as men, in the USA. Minority women fare worse than their white counterparts and are paid about 54% less than a man doing the same job. This is the average in ALL professions. This isn’t “equal justice for all.”

The Supreme Court ruling today, ensuring all people can marry, is a step closer, and it is a great step. While not discounting the progress made, it’s hard to not think about all those who really don’t have “equal justice under law” in our country- even after centuries. African American men are being MURDERED from these injustices. Families are burying their sons, fathers, and brothers. This is a gross injustice that has gone on for way too long. It has to change and it has to change now.

While women aren’t losing their lives over gender equality, the fact remains that women are discriminated against for their gender. This affects their livelihoods, and many times the livelihoods of their children, if they are raising children without the father’s support.

I’m not a hugely political person- but I am a mother who hopes the day is coming soon, when I can see, and my children really can see “equal justice under law” for ALL- no matter a person’s skin color, ethnicity, gender, or sexual orientation.

I hope the momentum from today’s Supreme Court ruling, will continue so every one in the United States of America, can have “equal justice under law.”

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if police stopped targeting African Americans and killing them with no basis other than that of their skin color?

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the laws allowed the police who do violate these laws, to be held accountable for their crimes?

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if employers started paying women the same as men in their professions for doing the same job?

This may sound idealistic, but in the past, more than one person asked,

“Wouldn’t it be wonderful if gay and lesbian marriage were legal?”

When we ask, we imagine, when we imagine- as we saw today- anything is possible.

Even “Equal Justice Under Law” for ALL.

Categories
Cancer Current Events Mothering Parenting

GMO Labeling- Why It Matters (Colorado Proposition 105)

I am not very involved in politics, and am happy, not paying attention to every last political debate and issue.  But one issue that I’ve been watching and have concerned about for years is the safety of GMO’s.

GMO stands for Genetically Modified Organism. “These are plant or meat products that have had their DNA artificially altered by genes from other plants, animals, viruses, or bacteria, in order to produce foreign compounds in that food. These genetic alterations occur in a laboratory and are not found in nature.”

There are multiple issues surrounding GMO’s, but I’m going highlight two of the main concerns I have especially as a mother and a cancer survivor, concerned with my health and the health of my two growing boys, ages 10 and 8.

The first issue is I am concerned about with GMO’s, is they have never been, and are not currently tested for effects (short term and long term) on humans, by the FDA before human consumption. How can something lab created, which has never been consumed by humans before, be put in our food supply, with absolutely no testing on their safety?

We are told by the FDA and the companies that create them, that GMO’s are safe with no harmful side effects, but how is this proven? Where is the proof that after 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, GMO’s won’t harm infants, children, or adults?  We are told they are safe, but scientists developing them have to wear protective suits, to even distribute the chemicals on their GMO crops, they say are safe for us to eat. What kind of science is that? Why aren’t studies done first to test this food before telling consumers it is safe, and using it in production of our food?  You may have seen this floating around from time to time in regards to GMO’s and I think it sums up this concern perfectly.

 

GMO

 

A second issue of concern I have are GMO’s are not produced by local farmers, or farmer co-ops, experimenting with crops, at a local level, like in the past, but by billion dollar chemical companies.  The largest GMO producer is Monsanto, the producer of toxic herbicide, Round Up.  Yes, the chemical that annihilates weeds- that is the corporation who is producing close to 90% of the GMO seeds in the WORLD.

Montsanto’s GMO’s are not designed to increase food production. The world has always been able to produce enough crops. Many experts agree, hunger is an economic and food distribution problem. There is not conclusive evidence showing that GMO’s solves the issues of hunger or poverty.

But GMO’s do make Montsanto an enormous amount of profit.  How?  Montsanto sells their pricey seeds to farmers, who are required to sign contracts to keep buying seeds year after year. As the crops become more herbicide resistant, Montsanto profits by having more farmers who have to buy more chemicals- namely Round Up. Meanwhile the farmer is caught in a vicious cycle now.

These GMO’s can be easily spread and interbred with other organisms, which can’t be undone. This can include cross pollination with other crops, and PropToxins that are used in GMO’s to make them resistant, have shown up in humans and in unborn fetuses. I live on the border of Boulder County, CO which has banned GMO crops, as has Burlington, VT. North Dakota, Montana, and Vermont also bans GMO wheat for some of these reasons.

Sixty two countries around the world, including the entire European Union, China, Japan, Australia, (to name a few) have banned GMO’s or require labeling. The United States is the only developed country in the world that does not require labeling of GMO foods. 

In 1996 when Montsanto started selling its Round Up Ready soybeans, only 2% of the soybeans in the US contained their patented gene. By 2008 over 90% of the soybeans in the US contained the Montsanto gene. 

Montsanto also produces (but later sold to a division of Eli Lilly) the rBGH dairy growth hormone that has been banned and pledged by suppliers not to use on their cows, because of concerns of safety. It’s not banned by the FDA (why is that not surprising either?), but consumers have largely rejected this, and many retailers like Kroger, Safeway, Costco, others and even Wal-Mart ban and prohibit it from their suppliers.  If you looked at your milk right now, in the fridge it says something like “Produced without artificial growth hormone rBST.” This message is brought to you courtesy of Montsanto, and their pushing an unproven chemical with the FDA’s approval, into our milk supply.

Did you notice though, because the consumers rejected this from Montsanto, it never became the standard for injecting cows that produce our milk with this hormone? In fact, producers are now eager to tell us their milk doesn’t contain rBST.  I mention this to show the history of Montsanto and the FDA has not been to produce safe chemicals, to boost the world’s food supply, but to get their untested, and questionable at best, chemicals out to the market place, to make more and more money.  Hard to believe!  (insert sarcasm). It also shows that we, the consumers, have a huge voice and say, in how our food gets produced, and presented to us!

I am not a scientist by any means, but with this history and background it doesn’t take a scientist to know that the FDA or businesses do not always look out for the consumer’s best interests. Companies like Montsanto are not looking out for our health- they are looking out for their bottom line, with no regard to our health or farming. Montsanto’s profit in 2013 was 2.4 billion dollars!

I’m not opposed at all to a company making money, as long as they are not harming people and putting our health in jeopardy.  It seems to me that Montsanto does everything to make a profit BUT take our health or possible health risks into account with their GMO’s.  That is what I have an issue with.  Our health should not be sacrificed or even be put in the slightest risk, so a corporation can make another billion dollars.  All while fighting regulation to label their GMO’s, while the FDA does not require safety tests, before GMO’s are in our food supply.   It leaves more questions than answers in my mind, such as, why does every other major country in the world ban GMO’s or require labeling if they are so “safe?”

A toxic chemical billion dollar company, altering and manipulating plant genes, producing food, never studied on humans, but touted to the public consumer as safe? No thank you. I personally don’t trust it, feel it is safe, and neither does the majority of the developed world. I think there should be labeling of GMO’s as a very basic standard, so people can choose for themselves what kind of food they are eating.

That brings me to the next part of this post, in Colorado on our November ballot, we will have a chance to vote on Colorado Mandatory Labeling of GMOs Initiative, Proposition 105.  The measure would require any “prepackaged, processed food or raw agricultural commodity that has been produced using genetic modification” to include the label: “Produced with genetic engineering.” If approved, the law would be put into effect by January 1, 2016.

Obviously, I think labeling of GMO’s are needed.  I want to know if the food I am eating and feeding to my children contain GMO’s.  Organic food in the United States, should not contain any GMO’s at all, according to standards, or it can’t be labeled organic.  But eating 100% organic food all the time, is not realistic or practical.  Some conventional foods are not produced with GMO’s, and I feel we should have the knowledge and choice by labeling GMO’s to decide for ourselves and our families.

Millions of dollars are being spent in Colorado and Oregon (where it is on the ballot in November as well, as Measure 92) to defeat this from becoming law.  Why? If GMO’s are so safe, then why are companies like Monsanto, who produce the majority of GMO’s and deem them safe for us all, are spending millions to defeat these ballot initiatives?  In fact, Montsanto has spent almost 10 million dollars in Colorado and Washington, just in this election season, trying to defeat these from becoming law.  They have spent millions more in previous elections in other states, with similar ballot initiatives. How much food could 10 million plus dollars buy for the world’s hungry? Yet, they feel this money should be spent keeping consumers in the dark, if our food contains their GMO’s.  Why?

If you scroll down on the Colorado Mandatory Labeling link I posted a few paragraphs above, they list companies that support and oppose Proposition 105. But you probably can guess what companies are on this list, and what companies aren’t, without even looking. Hint- local, organic, smaller farmers, grocery chains and businesses who support it; big businesses, and big farming corporations, who oppose it (funded with Monsanto’s millions).

If GMO’s are safe, pose no health risks, and labeling is already required in all the other countries these corporations do business in, then what is the big deal if a few states in the United States, make GMO labeling mandatory? Is this really worth spending millions of dollars to defeat in Colorado and Washington?  Obviously that answer is resounding yes, from the very companies and producers of GMO’s themselves.   And again, I ask why?

I hope if you are undecided on this issue, you will look into it more before you vote, if you live in Colorado or Washington.  I think it is important we hold these companies and the FDA accountable.  There should be a very basic standard on all food produced, and that is to label what is in the food for the consumer.  We are all capable of deciding for ourselves if we are willing to gamble with our health, by being guinea pigs to billion dollar chemical corporations’  “safe” GMO’s. We all have a right to know what is in our food.

I will be voting YES for GMO’s to be labeled in Colorado.  I’m not willing to risk my health or the health of my children, by just taking a “good ole” billion dollar chemical company’s word that GMO’s are safe. I want to know what is in my food I’m buying for my family. It matters how our food is produced.  Evidently, Monsanto and the big corporations think so too- otherwise they would not be spending millions of dollars opposing the measure,  giving consumers the choice to decide.  Actions speak louder than words.

Categories
Little Pumpkin Sweet Pea Designs Mothering Pregnancy & Birth Ryan

Ryan is Ten!

Ryan 2004-2014
Ryan 2004-2014

 

Today, my firstborn son, Ryan, is ten years old.  Reflecting, it just seems unbelievable my baby is a decade old.  Every parent wonders “where has the time gone?” more than once, during their children’s childhoods, but as I realize I am more than half-way done with raising my son to adulthood- it just seems like the time has flown by.

The moment I found out I was pregnant with Ryan- I realized my life would never be the same- it was a life defining moment. It was never going to just be me from that moment on- I was a mother, and now had a baby to think about too.  As I sat in a chair on that spring afternoon, the impact of this hit me, but I could not have fully understood any of it. I could not begin to even imagine what becoming a mother meant- I could not have known the extraordinary love I would experience.  The bonding, the feeling that there is something more important than me, and the pure, innocent love, that you can only have for your children, Ryan brought that to my life.

Ryan was an amazing, calm, quiet, reflective, serious, happy baby.  Ten years ago, when he was born, I could not have imagined loving him more than I did that day- my pure, sweet, tiny, innocent baby.  But as I think about the last ten years, it’s overwhelming- my heart holds more love, compassion, understanding, joy, and happiness, having been Ryan’s mother.  He makes me laugh every single day we are together. He is so compassionate, smart, sweet, good-natured, funny, and determined.  It has been an absolute pleasure to see him grow from a baby, to a toddler, to a little boy, to a boy, now to a young-man.

I would have never imagined ten years could go by so quickly, and I’m sure the next ten years will fly by too, if not faster.  My baby isn’t a baby anymore, and he’s becoming every day, more of who he is supposed to be, with his own thoughts, opinions, hopes, and dreams. As a mother, that is all I could ever hope for him. I want him to be happy. I want him to treat others with respect, and kindness. I want him to know and live the differences between right and wrong. I want him to understand different perspectives, realize how you treat people matters, and to have empathy. But most of all, I want him to be true to himself.

Ten years ago, I was given this perfect little gift. I didn’t know yet what it meant, or what it would become.  I still don’t for sure- but the glimpses, I’ve been privileged with, he is beautiful, amazing, loving, and remarkable. My work in raising a son is far from over- but at the decade mark- I could not have hoped or dreamed for a son more than whom Ryan is today.  I’m so excited to see him bloom and become the man he is destined to become, in the next ten years.

But for now, I’m going to hold and hug my ten-year old son close and cherish the days of him as boy we have left.  Because one day- you never quite know- you wake up and realize, your baby isn’t a baby, your toddler isn’t a toddler, your boy isn’t a boy- they are who they are supposed to be- and they are closer to being an adult than a baby, or even a child.  And you feel somehow- someway- you did something right, to have been blessed with this child, who is more than you, and who will be better than you, but is a part of you.  A child is life’s finest gift, at times the most challenging, the most important one, and the one that teaches you, your most significant lessons.  Ryan has taught me more than I could have imagined, and I know, both my boys are the greatest thing I will have ever done with my life.

Happy Tenth Birthday, Ryan! I love you so much, and I’m so proud of you!

Categories
Activities Cancer Mothering Running

First Half Marathon: 4 Years in the Making- Part 1

On Sunday October 20, 2013 in Denver, I attempted a dream I have had for four years- to run a half marathon.  No one ever (well hardly ever anyone),  just gets up one day, shows up at the start, and decides to run a half marathon without a story.  This is mine.

I started running 4 years ago, in September 2009- just weeks after I finished my thyroid cancer treatments. The surgery I had to have, the recovery, the radioactive iodine, and the fact I had no thyroid hormone for 3 months, left me feeling like an invalid, and there were many days I could not get out of bed.  I remember one morning, after having moved in with my dad and step-mom, temporarily because I was unable to care for myself and my young boys round the clock, my dad and step-mom were at work.  I was sitting on the porch swing, watching the boys play in the yard.  I saw it was 10AM, and knew I had better start making them lunch.  I had to stop midway, walking up their 6 stairs to the kitchen, and it took me 2.5 HOURS to walk about 10 steps from the porch, up the stairs, to the kitchen, and make 2 sandwiches.

When all my treatment and recovery were finished, and I finally started to get the Synthroid (synthetic thyroid hormone) that my body had been deprived of for 3 months, despite the doctors telling me I may never feel “normal” again, I started to feel instantly better.  I was grateful I didn’t feel like I was 120-years old anymore, I was starting to get energy back.  I had always wanted to run in a race, and the 5K Race for the Cure was in a few weeks.  I decided to try running in this, and even if I couldn’t run the entire way, I knew I could walk it, but it would be a victory, just to be able to be there, and move.  Something I had taken for granted until I had cancer.

Most my readers know the story- I was able to finish the 5K race, running, and I was hooked.  I have kept running since then- at times more intensely and seriously.  In July 2010 I entered my first competitive race, for a 3K, and came in second for my age group.  The next year at the same Race for the Cure, I took 12 minutes off  my 5K time from just a year ago- from 36 min. to 24 minutes- those were definitely highlights and goals of my running, but it was not my dream.

Ever since those first steps I took running, I thought of those who couldn’t run, & appreciated how lucky I was.  I dreamed- “someday” if I trained hard enough, worked hard enough, ran fast enough, was healthy enough- “someday” I would try to run a half marathon. In my mind, that would be the ultimate achievement from where I had started to where I would end up.  My physical condition when I started running- to be able to even sign up for a half marathon- might as well have been climbing Mount Everest.  It was really a dream I never thought I would be able to accomplish, but could hope for, if all the other conditions in my life were ideal.

In those 4 years, I’ve signed up for a few half marathons, but always had circumstances arise, where I was not able to train properly for them.  One half marathon was weeks after my mom passed away, and I was just not in an emotional place to be able to do it.  I’ve gotten busy- kids, work, school, relationship, family, friends, my health and in 2011 I had yet another cancer scare.  Over the years, I have never stopped running, but somewhere along the way, I let my dream slip to the background.  Perhaps because deep down, I never really believed I could do it.  Why do something and fail?  The half marathon hasn’t been my focus in a long time, but it was always in the back of my mind- a little part of me never let it completely slip away.

In May, a friend said he was going to try to run his first marathon in October, and encouraged me to give it a shot as well. I decided it was time to make this my goal again, and get serious about it. I signed up, with new found enthusiasm.  Weeks later, I developed a nasty side shin splint that left me unable to run.  By the beginning of August, despite having rested and not having ran for weeks, it was still there.  It was time to decide- I had to train if I was going to run this, but I decided to shelf my dream yet again- rather than risk developing a more serious injury by stressing my shins.

Just days after this, in the beginning of August, I had a bad bicycle crash, and broke and dislocated my elbow. I had to have surgery, and was unable to bend my elbow, or use my arm for weeks.  It was devastating to me. It left me very immobile and in a lot of ways it left me unable to perform very basic functions- from personal grooming to taking basic care of my kids, like I want to.  It was a very painful injury. I’ve never had chronic pain, but I did for weeks with this injury.   I felt helpless, alone, and very much like I did when I was sick with cancer.  When you live by yourself, you don’t realize all the things- until you can’t- you must do for yourself and your children. When suddenly, I could not do these things, it left me feeling very vulnerable, and weak.  When I saw my children step up and help me with things I should have been doing for them as their parent, it made me feel like I could not even be their mother properly. It was everything I could do, to just go to work for the day.  I had nothing left when I got home. Combined with the chronic pain, unable to live my life like I wanted, and unable to exercise or move without constant pain, – this was very demoralizing and depressing. It really was my worse fears realized.  My independence, my ability to care for my children, and my mobility were gone and I was scared.  I felt like I was living in a blanket of heavy fog, only seeing the fog- in front of me.  I could not have known how much this was affecting me at the time, but all of these things contributed to very difficult months, on every level- physically, emotionally, and mentally.

As I started physical therapy, I started to work really hard on the exercises the physical therapists were giving me. They assured me if I did these every day, my elbow would start to get better.  They were right, and within a week, finally some of the pain subsided, and I started to feel more optimistic I would be able to use my arm again. I felt like I was finally coming out of the fog a bit.  I started going to my gym and just riding the stationary bike for 3-5 miles. I could protect my elbow, and not have a lot of pain while doing this.  When the physical therapist told me to start working on holding my arm down, I figured running would be good.  I started running a half a mile, three quarters of a mile, a mile, etc. My arm felt good when I ran, and I felt my spirits rising as well when I ran.  Soon I was up to running 5 miles a week.

A lot of these runs were at night on a treadmill, but I was happy I could at least run again.  As I ran those mindless miles on the treadmill, the half marathon I had signed up for, which was weeks away now, kept creeping back in my mind. Could I do it? The doubts crept in.  Did I dare try? What happened if I tried and failed? No way was I even near the level of being able to run a half marathon, and I still had a broken elbow I was recovering from…was I crazy?

But my legs felt strong from the stationary bike riding, the running I had been able to do, and in the 2 months my elbow had been broken, my shin splint was gone, (there always is a silver lining). One night as these doubts were running through my mind, I decided to turn them off.  I turned the incline up higher on the treadmill, to simulate hills instead.  If I was considering this, I had better train 10 times harder than the race course, in the days I had left.

Ten days before the marathon, I told a client of mine from work, who is also very exercise oriented, I was thinking about actually running the half marathon.  She didn’t hesitate- she didn’t tell me all the reasons why I couldn’t or shouldn’t do this- she just told me I could do it.  And hearing that she thought I could- gave me the push I needed.  When I started telling friends and family I was going to run- no one told me I couldn’t or shouldn’t- and I realized all the resistance and fears were mine, and mine alone.  I saw and experienced people believing in me, and that in turn helped me believe in myself.

I worked out on the treadmill at night when the boys were with their dad, my half marathon 10-day training plan.  I ran the treadmill at a 3 to 4% incline at 12-13 minute miles.  I knew this was harder than the course, but I had to train hard.  I knew I had to pace myself during the race, or I would never be able to go 13 miles.  Unfortunately, I didn’t have enough time left before the race to even try to run 13 miles, without risking the strength and endurance I had built up. But one thing I have learned from running is you are always stronger than you think you are. You can always do more, if you let your mind believe it.

Six days before the race, I put my training to the test and ran 8 miles.  I ran the first half very slowly and conservatively, and finished the second half, running up hills, at a faster pace.  I felt like I could have kept running, and felt very optimistic, I had another 5 miles in me for race day.  It didn’t matter how fast I went- only that I finished.  I felt ready.  I remembered how far I had come from those days as a cancer patient- unable to get out of bed.  I remembered everyone who couldn’t run, and was grateful that I could. I wasn’t afraid anymore. Even though I wasn’t the healthiest I could be. Even though I didn’t have the ideal training. Even though I wouldn’t be able to run as fast as I had wanted.  Even though the previous month had been devastating emotionally.  But I wasn’t going to use these excuses to put my dream on hold again.

Life life, running is seldom perfect. If you never take that first step forward, nothing will ever happen.  Finish or not- I was going to give this everything I had, and if I didn’t finish, at least I tried. Even I couldn’t run the entire 13 miles, or cross the finish line, I would have at the very least, given my dream a chance.

(I want to write this in detail, so will be breaking the post up.  Part 2 coming next!)