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Cancer Cole Health Mothering Ryan

What to Tell Kids About Cancer

One of the biggest concerns on my mind right now are my boys, Ryan and Cole.  Not only are they adjusting to a divorce, but they also will have to deal with my cancer, the surgery, my being away from them for at least a week, and my recovery.

It is hard to know how much to tell them regarding my health and surgery. I don’t want them to be scared or wonder why no one is talking about what is happening with Mommy.  On the other hand, I don’t want to scare them or give them reason to worry unnecessarily.  Ryan picks up on everything, and Cole is right behind him. 

So far, I have told both boys that I have an owie in my throat.  I have told them I have to go to the hospital for an operation, and that will make the owie better.  I have told them I have to stay in the hospital for a few days, but they get to have special time with their dad, and their grandparents.

They both seemed okay with this, but Ryan told his dad that my condition is serious and I could be in the hospital for a long time.  That wasn’t the easy going attitude I was hoping for, so I am going to have to adjust my comments and work with Ryan so he isn’t so concerned about it. 

This is the hardest part- trying to make my boys feel secure about my health, when I don’t feel that myself.  One of my friends tells me she thinks there is a little Superhero in every mom.  I hope she is right, because I need my Superhero Mom-Knows-What-the-Right-Thing-to-Say-to-my-Boys powers right now. 

On a happier note, I was finally able to get Ryan’s five year pictures, and Cole’s three year pictures done.  I will be taking these to the hospital with me.  I will look at them often to remind me- this will all be worth while if  I can be healthy for Ryan and Cole.

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Categories
Cancer Family & Friends Health Me

My Cancer Has Spread

On Wednesday I had an ultrasound my surgeon had requested before the surgery to remove my thyroid for cancer.  I didn’t know ahead of time why he wanted this ultrasound, but found out it was to determine if the cancer in my thyroid had spread into my lymph nodes.

I was really upset leaving the ultrasound, and scared.  I didn’t want to have to think about another issue with my thyroid cancer.  I was told I would have the results in a few days.

Yesterday my surgeon, Dr. S., called me and told me the ultrasound showed the cancer had moved to my lymph nodes.  He said I have two lymph nodes that are measuring over 3 cm., and anytime they measure over 1.5 cm., it is a major cause of concern.

Dr. S. told me those nodes will have to be removed during my surgery and they will have to examine my other lymph nodes in surgery to determine if any other ones need to be removed as well.  He told me the surgery is complex and will be a minimum of 9 hours now.  Previously, the surgery time was about 2 hours-just to remove the thyroid.  Dr. S. said I will now be in the hospital for 4-5 days, and have a longer recovery time.

I was completely in shock as I was listening to Dr. S. tell me all of this.  My heart was racing and I was having trouble breathing. He recommended I make an appointment and he would fill me in on all the details and the process.  Dr. S. told me I still had the papillary cancer, and it was still in the very early stages.  He said he was glad I had gotten the ultrasound, because now he had the complete picture of what my health situation is, and he knows before hand, the direction the surgery needs to go in.

I hung up, and sat shocked and numb- staring at my wall. I stared to cry and utter a lot of four letter words under my breath.  Ryan and Cole were home, and I didn’t want to have them overhear me calling anyone to tell them. I was too upset anyway to talk.

Since then, I have let my family, friends, and Facebook friends know and the support has been overwhelming.  My sister and friends have told me this is bad news, but I am not going to die.  When it is all said and done, it is a complication, but I am going to be fine.

A day later, I am still in shock somewhat- just trying to absorb the situation.  I am going to make that appointment with Dr. S., to get the rest of the facts and ask questions.  I don’t believe I will need to have chemotherapy, but will more than likely have to undergo radioactive iodine therapy.

My family is already making plans to get me the help I need after the surgery, and I know I can count on my friends to help too.  I am very grateful for all the support and love I have.

So where do I go from here? I am not sure.  I am trying to keep a positive attitude and trying not to freak out.  I am trying to remember to take deep breaths and keep everything in perspective.

If anyone has been through this, the removal of lymph nodes, please let me know what your experience was.  It helps me to hear what others have gone through.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.  I need all the positive energy that can come my way.  🙂

Categories
Cancer Health Me

Thyroid Cancer Update

A few weeks ago, I found out I have thyroid cancer.  My doctor says I have papillary cancer, and recommended a total thyroidectomy (a procedure where the entire thyroid is removed.)

My surgery is set for June 12th, around noon- as it stands now.  Before the surgery I have to have a high resolution ultrasound which, as I understand it, will help my doctor determine exactly where the cancer is in the nodule.  I also have to have some blood work done, and a pre-surgery appointment a few days before to discuss the surgery with my surgeon. 

I have been looking into more information on a thyroid lobectomy with isthmusectomy which is a medical term for only having half of my thyroid removed.  It seems though this is only preferred when the nodule is under 1.5 cm. and mine is 1.7 cm.  Still, I have read that the thyroid can function with only 10% remaining, and the idea of not being on medication for the rest of my life, is appealing. 

On the other hand, the cancer has a higher chance of recurrences in my situation if any part of my thyroid remains.  Plus, I would always have to have it monitored which means more biopsies, which I am not fond of.  The other factor in this decision is the emotional aspect- will I always be wondering if cancer is growing again in my thyroid?  Will it always be there in the back of my mind?  What if I am clear after a biopsy, and then it comes back six months later, and it is worse than before?  I am thankful and consider myself lucky this was caught early.  It was basically four months from when my doctor first felt the lump at my annual exam, to my diagnosis.  What if I choose to only have half of my thyroid removed and I am not so lucky a second time?

So I have been debating these options.  I plan to do some more reading and research.  I want to make sure I understand what is happening, and any other options that are available as treatment.  I am not questioning the expertise of my surgeon/doctor- his own wife had the exact cancer I have two years ago, so I am perfectly confident in his abilities and diagnosis, but I want to know for myself that I have explored all options, and this really is the best treatment for me before I go “under the knife” so to speak.

My family and friends have been amazing.  I have been in touch with a lot of other people who have also been through this, and their stories have reassured me and given me confidence that everything will turn out okay for me.  My mom and my sister (my only two family members that don’t live in Colorado) are arranging their schedules so they can be here during and after the surgery.  Ryan and Cole’s father, grandparents, and extended family are going to be able to watch the boys extra times during and after the surgery.  In short, I am very fortunate to have so much support and help.  It is one thing I don’t have to worry about right now. 

I am so grateful for all the e-mails and good wishes I have received and wanted to post a quick update, since these are most of the questions I receive in the e-mails.  If anyone has chosen to have the partial thyroid removal, I would love to hear your experience if you are willing to share it.  You can leave a comment or e-mail me privately.  My e-mail is found on the Contact Page.

Thanks again to everyone for all the support and information.  Love you all.  🙂

Categories
Cancer Health Me

I Have Thyroid Cancer

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I was by myself on Saturday morning- it was raining and it was my mom’s 60th birthday.  I decided to have a gadget free morning.  I didn’t turn my phone on and I was enjoying a quiet morning.  Around 11, I turned my phone on and saw I had a voice mail.  I checked it and my heart sunk as I heard my doctor tell me he had the results of my biopsy, and he would call me back on Monday.  Doctors don’t call you on Saturday unless they have bad news. 

I suspected the news was not good, as I called the answering service to see if they could have Dr. S. call me back.  I didn’t want to think about it for the next two days- I just wanted to know.  Dr. S. called me back about ten minutes later.  He told me he didn’t have my chart with him but he said,

“I have your results from the biopsy and it shows you have papillary thyroid cancer.” 

Cancer.  How can that be?  How can I have cancer?   

I had no idea what papillary thryroid cancer was- I was only processing “cancer.”  I heard Dr. S. tell me I need to have  a total thyroidectomy- which is the removal of my entire thyroid.  I heard him tell me he was sorry he had to give me this news.  He told me it is very treatable and we caught it early.  I heard him tell me I will have to have surgery, and it should get scheduled this week.  I heard him tell me I’ll be in the hospital 1-3 days, and the recovery time is about a week.  I heard him tell me I will have to be on medication for the rest of my life.  I heard him tell me I might have to have radioactive iodine therapy, depending on how big the nodule in my thyroid is.  I heard him tell me all of this, and I was trying not to cry.  

After I hung up, I just sat in the kitchen staring out at the rain.  Then I cursed, and then I cried.  Then I was scared.  This is what I had been trying to find out if I had or not, and now  I knew.  I didn’t have to wonder anymore if I had cancer- I have it and I have to have surgery to remove it.   And yet, it didn’t seem- still doesn’t seem quite real. 

I thought of Ryan and Cole.  My two babies.  The thought that kept popping in my mind was, ‘what am I going to do?’  I looked up papillary cancer on the Internet, and the first sentence I read was the survival rate statistics.  That was not what I needed to read.  I started crying all over again.  

How do you ruin your family and friends days by telling them you have cancer?    I decided to send an e-mail to a close friend, and figured that was a good way to start telling my family and friends.  I wouldn’t have to say it- I wouldn’t have to speak it.  But then I had to type out the phrase- I have cancer.  It didn’t matter if I had to say it or type it.  Seeing it made it real for me in that moment.  I called my sisters, but neither one of them were home.  I didn’t leave a message, and that was all I could do.  My body needed to shut down, so I stopped reading, started a fresh wave of crying, took my phone with me, and crawled into bed.  I lost track of how long I laid in bed crying.   I could only think of Ryan and Cole, and if I was going to be around to see them grow up. 

I stared at the wall and cried, and heard the rain pounding against the window.  I kept thinking ‘what am I going to do?’  I was exhausted.  My arms and legs felt like they had cinder blocks on them.  A few minutes later, I heard my phone and my friend had sent me an encouraging e-mail back.  It said I would never have to worry about the nodule developing cancer later.  That was something positive.  I closed my eyes and fell asleep.

About an hour later, my sister Vanessa called.  She was very encouraging and made a lot of good points.  She said she would be there for me.  She lives in Seattle, and told me it didn’t matter how soon the surgery was- she would be here for me and she would help me- help me recover and help me with the boys if needed.  After that call, my other sister, Mara called.   She told me a lot of the same things Vanessa did, and she found the website I provided the link to for papillary cancer.  She told me to get myself going and make myself come down to her house that night.  I told her I would- I didn’t want to be alone.  She said we could go out to dinner with my sister-in-law, and a close friend. 

I called the rest of my family and let my friends know.  As more and more people started talking to me and encouraging me, I felt better.  I finally got to Denver- to my sister’s house, and my friend, Christina was there waiting.  She gave me a big hug and told me I was going to be fine.  Kat, my sister-in-law gave me a hug next, and let me cry.  My brother, Jeff, was there, and hugged me, as did my brother-in-law, Kevin.  Everyone told me I was going to be fine.

Then Mara came in the room, and called me into her bedroom.  Kat and Christina were in there too.  My sister shut the door and they gave me a beautiful card, and lucky bamboo plant. (this is the picture at the begining of the post.)  They told me bamboo is strong and regenerates itself.  Christina told me about her mom’s journey with stage three lung cancer, and how she is healthy and fine today.  I know- I met her a few weeks ago.

As I processed all the encouraging comments everyone had given me all afternoon, being with my loved ones,  and looking at the bamboo plant,  it occurred to me I had found my answer to ‘what am I going to do?’ 

I am going to be strong.  I am going get through this. I am going to get this taken care of so I can be there for my boys.  I am going to get the cancer out, and then move on.  I am going to be healthy.

I had a nice night out with the girls.  At one point Christina took a picture of her and I, and posted it to Facebook.  The caption she put under the picture said, “Cancer Shmancer.”  My thoughts exactly.

Categories
Cancer Health Me

Thyroid Biopsy- Finally!

**I want to apologize if you are visiting today for the second part of  My C-section, Five Years Later post.  I had said it would be up on Thursday, but at the time I did not know I would be having a biopsy on Wednesday.  I hope to have the post up by Monday, so please check back.**

I finally had my thyroid biopsy today.  I didn’t want to write the post tonight, because I am having a lot of pain, but I have received so many e-mails and inquires from family, friends, and blog readers who are concerned.  Forgive me if this isn’t the best post I have ever written, but at least I have a good reason- right?

I worked this morning and arrived at the hospital around 1:30.  My sister, Mara, took another half day off from work to be there for me.  I was calm, but still a little nervous.  I had received so many well wishes from everyone, I felt very confident and strong.  I checked in, and we didn’t have to wait very long before the ultrasound technician called us back.

She told us right away that Mara could come back with me for the prep., but she couldn’t stay in the room with me while they did the actual biopsy. I was upset to hear that- I planned to protest!

I was having an ultrasound guided biopsy with a fine needle.  The tech. told me what they would be doing, and told me they were going to use the smallest needles they have.  She told me the needles were small enough, I didn’t need a numbing agent.  After she gave us some more information, Mara spoke up and asked her why she couldn’t be in the room, and the tech. went into the hospital procedures.  She told us that in case Mara had an aversion to needles, and fainted, the doctors didn’t want to have to stop the biopsy to take care of her.  At this point Mara said, like only my sister can, “I have had a baby- a needle is NOT going to make me faint, y’all.”  The tech and the assistant laughed, but they didn’t change their mind. 

At that point they asked me to get on the gurney, and Mara had to leave.  She told me to breathe and think peaceful thoughts.  The hospital doctor, Dr. G.,  came in and introduced herself- she was going to be the one inserting the needles.  She told me she would take a few samples, and then a pathologist would examine the samples right then, to determine if there was a large enough sample.  She made it very clear that they would not have any results though today.  She said they wanted to make sure they had enough sample to get a proper reading, so I wouldn’t have to come back .  The doctor told me they had to make sure if they tell me it is benign, that it is benign 100%, so they may need a few samples.

Then she started putting something like betadine on my neck, and prepping me.  The tech told me it was a very easy access to get to the thyroid, so I felt good about that.  We had to wait a few minutes for the pathologist, but as soon as he was there, Dr. G., said she was going to start.  The ultrasound tech. pulled up pictures of my thyroid, and Dr. G. watched the screen as she started.  I closed my eyes because I didn’t want to watch the technical aspect of it. 

I was surprised.  The needle stick did not hurt at all, but I guess the needle was inserted very deeply into the thyroid.  That hurt.  She also wiggled it around- I assume getting the sample.  It lasted about thirty-seconds.  Then Dr. G. said she was going in from another angle, and repeated the process.  This one was much deeper, and hurt even more.  It lasted the same amount of time.  Dr. G. told me the pathologist was going to examine the samples, and she and him left the room.

The tech told me this was the longest part, but I was doing great.  I closed my eyes again and tried to keep breathing. I know that Dr. G. told me they were not looking for cancer at this point, but I couldn’t help but wonder if a pathologist would be able to tell immediately from looking at my blood under a microscope, whether there were cancer cells in it.  I mean, how could he not- that is what they do.  

About ten minutes later, Dr. G., and Dr. Pathologist came back into the room and Dr. G. told me they needed another sample.  She did the process again, and took the sample back to Dr. Pathologist.  I turned my head and could see him looking under his little microscope.  They were talking in very low voices.  I could hear their voices, but not the words.  Again, I was wondering, how could Dr. Pathologist not know if he was seeing cancer or not?

Dr. G. came back over to me five minutes later and told me Dr. Pathologist needed one more sample- a fourth one.  She stuck me again, and dug into my neck with the needle.  It felt like she had already taken a sample from this area before.  The ultrasound tech told her she was into the nodule perfectly, and then she wiggled the needle around for what seemed like forever.  I’ll be honest- it hurt!  It really hurt! I got tears in my eyes.  I was hoping she was getting what they needed and they weren’t going to have to do this a fifth time.

After another consult with Dr. Pathologist, and more hushed voices, Dr. G. told me they had enough of the sample, and I was done.  Dr. Pathologist turned to me and seemed very upbeat.  He said they may not have results for me until Monday, but I could check as soon as Friday afternoon with my doctor.  He and Dr. G., left, and the ultrasound tech told me to keep the betadine on my neck for several hours to help cut the risk of infection.  She put a Band-Aid on it. I sat up and felt light headed, so I sat for a few more minutes before I went back to the waiting room.

I found Mara, and we sat for a while, so I could stop feeling light headed.  I filled her in the procedure and informed my family and friends, via Facebook.  🙂  Mara and I went to eat lunch.  At lunch, my thyroid really started throbbing.  Every time I swallowed it hurt. 

As I was driving home, I realized I could not turn my neck, without it hurting.  It was still throbbing and and aching.  I took some Advil and rested.  A few hours later, I had to go pick the boys up from their grandparent’s house.  Just moving my neck hurt.  We decided to have Ryan stay with his grandparents tonight, and I took Cole home.  He was a very sweet boy for me tonight, cuddling and kissing me. 

I expressed my concern to my mom and sisters on how many samples they took, and how could the pathologist not know if I had cancer or not? My mom made a  point, which I hope is right, that if they saw cancer (assuming he could tell), in the first sample, they would have found what they were looking for, and I would have been done.  My mom thinks they didn’t see anything, so that is why they could have been taking more samples.  The last sample was so forceful and specific, my instincts tell me they were really trying to get into the ‘heart’ of the nodule, for a reason.  I don’t want to speculate too much, but I do feel no matter what, they got an accurate sample, and got enough cells to be able to give me an accurate diagnois.

I am about to take some more Advil, drink some tea, and go to bed.  My thyroid is still aching, but I think with a good night’s rest, it will feel better in the morning.  I took a few pictures of my neck, and you can see the needle sticks.  I am hoping these pictures will help someone else in the future, who is also facing a thyroid biopsy.

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The first two pictures are right after I took the Band-Aid off tonight. I still have the betadine on my neck. 

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The needle sticks are red- they look like pimples.  The one near my vein, near the top of my neck is from the fourth stick- the one that hurt the most.

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So now the waiting begins, but I am one step closer to finding out the answers I need.  Again, I can’t thank everyone enough for their love and support.  I am so touched by the support and encouragement- some of which comes from people I have never met before, but consider friends.   Thanks for supporting me on this journey- I will keep you updated.

On a final note- I have been reading Twilight, and plan to go read it right now in bed.  It makes me laugh that I have an aching and sore neck, and am going to go read about a vampire!  🙂