End of an Era

My boys, Ryan and Cole, started second grade and kindergarten today.  Like most kids, they were excited. 

I have been feeling the impact of this day, for a week.  Perhaps I really started feeling it hours after they were born.  One day…they would be old enough to go to school.  One day…they will be going to kindergarten.  One day…their baby days will be over.  As I sat with them, nursing them, holding them, snuggled up in their baby wonderfulness- their tiny fingers, their chubby cheeks, their total dependence, “one day” was not today.  “One day,” was some day in the very far future- a blur on the horizon, almost impossible to see.

But today, that “one day,” is here.  It’s not a blur anymore. My two boys ran giggling and laughing through the kitchen, excited, fetching their backpacks, opening the refrigerator to get their lunches, put them in their backpacks, put their shoes on, and run outside for pictures, almost oblivious to me.  I didn’t notice this as much when Ryan started school full time, because I still had Cole- the baby.  In some part of my mind, I still imagined Cole being my little guy for while.  Ryan may grow and go to school because he’s the oldest, but my baby will always be my baby.

My baby dressed himself, made his bed, grabbed his things, rearranged his backpack the way he wanted, and couldn’t wait to get to school.  He posed for his pictures, proud he is finally old enough to go to school like his big brother.  We went to the before school care for a few minutes, so Cole could get familiar with the routine.  He went with me last year, when I took Ryan. But this year he was a student, not the younger brother too little to be there himself.  He hugged the teachers when he walked in. He didn’t even need Ryan to show him where to hang his backpack. He gave me a little hug, and went and sat in the gym, ready.

As I waved goodbye to them in the gym, and left, there was no denying it is the end of an era for me as a mother.  Both my boys’ baby days are gone.  As many hours as I spent with them as babies, it is over and it seemed like it happened in a blink of an eye.  When did the baby who slept on me for 18 months- who couldn’t and refused to sleep anywhere but on his mommy, grow into a confident boy, ready and eager to tackle kindergarten?

From the moment my children were born, I wished for them to be happy, healthy, confident, and to know they are loved.  I felt proud of my boys, and so lucky to be their mother.  The helpless, defenseless, dependent babies, I spent the last seven and a half years nurturing, reached another milestone today, effortless. 

Nothing changes without growth, and sometimes growth can hurt and be bittersweet.  But as they emerge from the growth, and spread their wings, it is an amazing moment in time.  I felt proud, knowing the time I have devoted to my boys, from the moment they were born to today, has been the most worthwhile thing I have ever done.  To know your kids are doing okay, and to see they are ready to move forward- that is one of life’s most precious gifts.   

Their lives are really just beginning. It is the end of an era for us- the end of babies, toddlers, and pre-schoolers.  But it is also the beginning of a new one, and I can’t wait to see how far they will go.          

Ryan & Cole- First day of school