I have chosen up to this point not to write about any aspects of my divorce. I have had many reasons for choosing not to write about this subject. Many of those reasons are still in place, and one of these reasons was, I didn’t see what good or what positive aspects could come from blogging about a divorce.
This past Christmas was the first Christmas where Ryan and Cole’s time was divided between their father and I. It was also the last holiday, since we have been apart, that we had to face, and also it is the “biggest.” Christmas is all the holidays rolled into one, and then some- especially for children. My boys start asking in July when Christmas is coming. As a parent, there is nothing quite like seeing your children’s face’s light up with excitement on Christmas morning when they see the tree and the presents under it. It is the epitome of childhood.
And the fact of being divorced is, one parent isn’t going to experience that every year. Some divorced parents switch off years, and some divide the time. We decided to try to keep things as they had been in the past this year, so the boys spent Christmas Eve with me, and my family. Ryan and Cole got to visit with my mom, who lives out of state, and their great-grandpa, who moved to Colorado this year. Their two teen-aged cousins wrestled and rough-housed with them, which they loved and they helped them make a gingerbread house. Of course there were a lot of presents, but for the first time, I noticed the boys were more interested in playing with people than playing with the gifts all night. Their dad came and got them later at night on Christmas Eve, and then the boys spent Christmas with him and his family.
After the boys had left my aunt’s house on Christmas Eve, I cried. I haven’t cried over any holiday, but there was something very isolating, and hollow not having my children with me for this holiday. My tears didn’t last long, because I knew the boys were going to have fun, and they were fine. They were excited about Santa coming in the morning. It obviously helped that I was around my immediate family too.
On Christmas Day, I missed the boys terribly. I imagined they were having fun, and that is what mattered. That evening the boys called me and my heart melted when Ryan excitedly told me on the phone, “Mom, I had the best day!” He explained what he had done, and the gifts he had received. A part of me was sad, because I had not been a part of his day, but he was happy. He wasn’t sad, asking where I had been, or why we couldn’t be together, or any of those type of things. I talked to Cole, and he was happy and excited too.
The good I think can come from sharing this experience is, despite the difficulties divorce brings, especially with children, all that mattered on Christmas was that Ryan and Cole were happy, and had the best Christmas ever. Perhaps that says something about our Christmases past, but I think it says more about all the members of the families involved- on both sides. All the grandparents, all the aunts, all the uncles, and all of the cousins.
When my children are grown, I don’t want them to look back at the holidays and remember “that was my year with Mom, or that was my year with Dad.” I want them to remember the joy, the happiness, the excitement, and the love they received from and felt for their families. I know that was accomplished throughout the last year, and especially this Christmas Eve and Christmas.
Thank you to all members of both Ryan and Cole’s family for this. It could have been a very hard holiday for them, but it wasn’t. It was magical and loving for them- just as it should be.
5 replies on “Christmas and Divorce”
It’s so, so hard learning how to feel good about the holidays after you get divorced. My divorce was 8 years ago, and it’s still hard. I’m firmly of the belief that children should wake up on Christmas morning in their own home, so we’ve always done Christmas Eve as our big holiday when we open gifts, and my daughter’s dad picks her up on Christmas morning. He does a big dinner and gift exchange with his whole family on Christmas day. It’s worked out pretty well for us, but still – I’m selfish and would love to have my daughter for both Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day! But that wouldn’t be fair to her or her dad. The good news is, I think it’s much harder on us than it is on them. Kids adapt quickly.
Now that you’ve got this Christmas under your belt, you can move forward, knowing that you can get through it!
Heather,
Another wonderful, insightful post. You are such a good Mom. And I am eternally proud of you for fighting the challenge between your love of your children and their joy vs. your own. It’s a very difficult battle. Congratulations.
Based on my studies and my perception (which can be flawed), especially as it relates to children, parents fight an internal struggle between feeding their own ego (self-love)and nurturing their children. Our ego’s will often stop at nothing to get what they want and it takes an extraordinary presence of mind/body/spirit to push this aside. Many parents do this on a daily basis, as caring for children is also part of our natural instinct. However, in cases such as the one you brought up, which was incredibly insightful, really shows where this battle comes to a head.
Often, “Who We Are” becomes tantamount with external identifiers. Our ego’s actually think we ARE something outside of ourselves. Often, this is the case with parents and their children. I think that’s fairly natural, because, after all, children literally were part of the parent. The struggle you felt was part of your identity having fun, enjoying themselves, loving, laughing, playing and being about as alive as you can get, on the most special day of the year, and that part of you wasn’t present to share in it. The loss you felt, although you were genuinely happy for your children, is completely normal. You were missing a part of yourself that day. That is never easy.
It has to be said, however – you were conscious of this battle, faced it and conquered it. You, as a dedicated, loyal and genuinely caring parent, put your childrens joy as a higher priority as your own. Especially in a divorce, this doesn’t always happen. Parents get wrapped up in their own ego, and the kids suffer. Not so in your case, Heather. You are creating a wonderful and healthy atmosphere for your children. They will be better off mentally, emotionally and spiritually for it. They are so fortunate to have a wonderful mother like you – one who cares so deeply for their well being, regardless of it’s impact to you. These feeligs will occur again as they meet someone and fall in love, when they move out, and when they have their own children. But, it will get easier.
Once again, you are an inspiration and I’m so glad you blogged about this. I always feel better after reading your thoughts and am so grateful to call you friend.
Truly,
Steve
Thank you for sharing your experience Heather. Your strength and wisdom willbe great assets to you and your boys for years to come!
@steve: thank you for taking the time and words to break this down. I am not a divorced parent, but I think that what you say very much rings true. And, it leaves me with something to ponder going into this new year regarding my own relatinship with my son and husband.
Thank you for the comments so far, and Steve- thank you for your insight into this situation. I had to read your comment twice (because I hadn’t had coffee yet- 🙂 ) but I think you are very close to the dynamics of what is in play. I will be re-reading this comment several times, and I know it will help others as well.
Thank you for sharing your experience Heather.