Facing My Health Fears

As the last week of 2009 starts, I am struggling with a few health matters I keep putting off.

I “fired” my endocrinologist in November.  I was supposed to have a follow-up apppointment 4 weeks after I started on Synthroid to make sure my dosage was correct, which means I should have been seen in September.  However, they couldn’t fit me in until November.  Fortunately, I had a follow-up appointment with my surgeon in October, and he was able to order the test and confirm my dosage was correct. 

After the errors that the endocrinologist’s office made after my surgery in the summer, I lost a lot of confidence in them.  They did get my initial dosage correct though- the first time, which is almost unheard of.  I was told it could take almost a year for my dosage of Synthroid to be fined tuned.  Several thyroid cancer survivors I know have had their dosages adjusted no less than 6 times, and one person has told me her dosage has been adjusted 12 times in less than a year.

When I knew my dosage was correct in October, I called my endocrinologist’s office and canceled my appointment for November and told them I was going to find a different doctor closer to my home.  I told them I was disappointed with the errors they made, but thankful they were able to determine my correct dosage so accurately. 

So here I am- almost two months later and I haven’t started a search, or let alone been in to see a new endocrinologist.  My surgeon recommended two at the health clinic in town, who he said were trained at the facility of my former endocrinologist.  It would be very easy for me to call and get an appointment, and yet I find myself hesitating. 

Last week I received a reminder postcard from my doctor’s office for my annual exam.  I am due to see her in January.  This was the appointment where she first felt an abnormality in my thyroid last year.  I have put off scheduling that appointment too, because I’m nervous.  I know in reality, the chances of any other major health issue being discovered, is very slim, and I know early detection is the key to everything.  But again, I am hesitating.

I feel like I have just put all the cancer and health issues behind me, and these appointments are reminders that I have to start thinking about it again.  It also is like a  bright flashing light into a dark room, reminding me there are no guarantees, and anything can happen.  I might think I am in good health, and everything is fine, only to discover I have an illness that is out of my control.  The thought has entered my mind more than once- what if they find I have another type of cancer?

I have never been nervous or afraid doctor appointments- I used to like going, to hear everything was fine.  I am not sure  I will ever have that feeling again.  I’m not sure if I will always hear everything is fine anymore.  Not scheduling these appointments means I don’t  have to deal with these feelings right now.   

But yet, by not dealing with these feelings, and not making the appointments, the uncertainty stays with me, and my fears grow- not occupying my thoughts, but just below the surface.  It settles in my mind when I am falling asleep, or it is the first thing I think of when I wake up- am I really okay, or has it been a mistake?

The only way to find out for sure, and to get rid of this doubt is to just make and go the appointments.  I promised myself I would make the appointments before the end of the year, so I now have four days left.  Despite my fears, I know this is a promise I have to keep.