Co-Sleeping in the Media

Perhaps you have heard excerpts this week on Brad Pitt’s interview with People Magazine. 

Amy, from Crunchy Domestic Goddess, wrote up a wonderful blog post on the issue of co-sleeping.  With her permission, I have posted her post below, and I have some further comments after her post:

From Crunchy Domestic Goddess:

“I tend not to write much about celebrities on my blog. As a general rule, I find there’s just too much other stuff going on in the world (especially my family’s world) for me to discuss who’s doing/saying what out in Hollywood. But when I heard that Brad Pitt (and then Kevin Kline) recently made comments about co-sleeping, something I just wrote about a few days ago, it was a) timely, b) something near and dear to my heart and c) I felt compelled to post.

From People magazine:

Brad Pitt says he and Angelina Jolie are going to need a bigger bed – for their expanding brood.

“We’re not done,” Pitt, 43, quipped, acknowledging public interest in the family’s growth. “They say, ‘Any plans for a fifth?’ And I say, ‘And a sixth, and a seventh, and an eighth, and a ninth.’ That’s my answer.”

“We also made a 9-foot-wide bed” that fits him, Jolie, 32, and all four children, Pitt who is starring in The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, told the Associated Press. “Just big enough. One more and we’ll have to go to 11 feet.”

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From OK! Magazine:

Kevin Kline, 59, agrees with fellow actor Brad Pitt when it comes to the family bed, also known as co-sleeping. He and his wife, actress Phoebe Cates, 44, still allow son Owen, 16, and daughter, Greta, 13, to join them at night.

There is a theory that a child has to teach itself to go to sleep, and if every time it cries you whisk them out of their bed – the jury is still out on that. But our kids still sleep in our bed.

Kevin admits that every parent questions whether or not to have their children sleep with them.

There are so many books that say ‘It’s the family bed, why not?’ and there are others that say ‘Oh no.’ It all depends about their age.’

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Jane London, a deejay from radio station Mix 100, recently spoke her mind on the air about Brad Pitt’s co-sleeping, calling it “creepy.” When questioned about her statement she responded, “I find the thought of having 10 people in one bed to be somewhat disturbing, to say the least.” You will notice from her bio that Jane has no children. I think it’s easier to pass judgment on others’ parenting when you haven’t had the experience of parenting yourself.

Personally, I think it’s great that Brad and Angelina are co-sleeping, for a couple of reasons. My guess is that children of celebrities don’t have the most stable lives. One parent is off working, while the other cares for the children, then the one parent comes home and the other goes off to film a movie. (Brad even indicates this in his interview.) When they are out in public, they are hounded by the paparazzi. I would think that could be rather frightening to a child. I think by providing a safe nighttime environment, such as a family bed, they are helping their children feel secure and a closeness with the parents and siblings. The other thing is that three of their children are adopted and I think by having a family bed, the kids are able to bond more quickly with their family. And just because Brad says they have plans for more children does not mean they will be biological children. I think there’s a good chance they will be adopting again. So the family bed will help the children with the transition into their new family.

A friend of mine is in the process of adopting two children and she told me that when you are adopting, it’s advised that you treat the children the same way you would treat a biological baby for the first year to facilitate bonding. In other words, if you would co-sleep with a newborn, then you should co-sleep with your adopted child as well. There’s actually a really good article about the family bed and adoptive families

And I’m glad that Kevin Kline is showing his support by admitting that his family also shares a family bed from time to time. I believe that when kids know that they can go to their parents, whether it’s during the day or in the middle of the night, that helps to foster a secure and trusting relationship. And as the children get older, like in Kevin’s family’s case, hopefully that equates to the children feeling like they can talk to their parents about anything – drugs, alcohol, sex, abuse, etc. I believe that to have a secure parent-child relationship, you need to keep the lines of communication open, and not shut off to them just because it’s dark out.

A different friend of mine made a very important point in that people seem to forget that we are mammals. She said, “Mammals give birth, lactate (and nurse their young until about the age when permanent teeth erupt) and sleep with their young closely attached. If humans had given up these behaviors, even in the last 200 years, we would probably be extinct as a species.”

She also pointed out that just because we can afford larger houses with multiple bedrooms, it doesn’t mean that our needs as mammals have changed. A lot of this is covered in the book, “Our Babies, Ourselves” by Meredith Small, and is a fascinating read if you ever have the chance. I read it a few years ago and should really get my own copy since it’s such a great book (and highly quotable). I’m kicking myself now for not having a copy of my own on hand.

I did, however, find some related information on The Natural Child Project: Throughout human history, breast-feeding mothers sleeping alongside their infants constituted a marvelously adaptive system in which both the mothers’ and infants’ sleep physiology and health were connected in beneficial ways. By sleeping next to its mother, the infant receives protection, warmth, emotional reassurance, and breast milk – in just the forms and quantities that nature intended.

My point is that I know co-sleeping is not for everyone, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the people who do choose to do it. Just because a family bed is not something everyone in this culture subscribes to, that doesn’t make it bad or wrong. There are very valid reasons to support co-sleeping. If Brad and Angelina want to have the Biggest Bed in the World, more power to them. But to say that they are “creepy” because of their choice just seems ignorant and close-minded to me.

It sounds to me like Brad and Angelina are trusting their instincts and doing what’s right for their family. We could all learn something from that.

For more information about the family bed, visit Ask Dr. Sears or The Natural Family Project.”

END OF CRUNCHY DOMESTIC GODDESS’ POST

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I agree with Amy on everything she wrote, and I’m adding in, that I contacted the radio station and Jane London, the DJ, who remarked that co-sleeping was “creepy.”  Here is what I wrote her (via e-mail):

…(regarding the Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Story on their 9 foot bed, so they could sleep with their kids,)

     “Jane said she knew Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie were trying to be progressive, but it was just weird and “creepy” that they would want to sleep in the same bed with their kids!  It sounded like she was trying to imply that they were weird, and like something was wrong with them, like they must be child molesters or something if they want to sleep in the same bed as the kids. 

I thought it was really inappropriate and insensitive to all the families who DO sleep w/ their kids (co-sleeping is the correct term), not just because of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. 

Do Mix 100 and Jane know that studies and statistics prove that co-sleeping reduces SIDS rates in babies?  Research shows that infants who sleep in a crib are twice as likely to suffer a sleep related fatality (including SIDS) than infants who sleep in bed with their parents.  Furthermore, recent studies show that more than half of all Americans share their bed at some point with their children.  Many parents across the world co-sleep with their children.  Co-sleeping also allows mothers who are breastfeeding, more rest and sleep, since they can feed their child without having to get up, walk around, and then try to put the baby back to sleep in a crib. 

I don’t think it is right for Mix 100 and Jane to suggest and hint that parents who do choose co-sleep with their children are doing something wrong, or are “creepy.”  On the contrary, parents who share their bed with their children are more likely than not, very attached and bonded with their children, as are many parents who do not co-sleep.  Jane’s comments show a total lack of understanding and ignorance on co-sleeping.  I am very offended by Jane’s comments, and imagine many other listeners are too. 

This isn’t about a trendy celebrity couple trying to be “progressive,”- it is about normal families- mothers and fathers- trying to bond with and nurture their children.  How dare Jane suggest that this is “creepy,” and doesn’t need to be done!  If parents don’t nurture their children, who will?  

I hope Mix 100 and Jane will realize how insensitive these comments were, and issue an apology to their listeners immediately.”

The next day, I received this response (via-e-mail) from Jane:

“Heather

thanks for the note..i’m actually quite aware of the whole co-sleeping movement and have no problem if you’d like to sleep with your infants.

The brad pitt comment involved his announcement that they would like to have 8 or 9 kids and have everyone sleep together in one big bed…yep, that’s a bit odd in my book…i personally believe that past a certain age, kids should be in their own beds and OUT of the marital bed.  That is for two adults, who have an intimate relationship.

I use the word creepy quite often, as it’s one of my favorites.  I find the thought of having 10 people in one bed to be somewhat disturbing, to say the least.  I would say with a fair amount of confidence that most people would agree with me on that point. 

as for your assumption that many of our listeners were ‘offended’ and upset by my rather tame comments, you are the only one that i’ve heard from on this matter, so i’m not sure what that says.

thanks for taking the time to write…

Jane”

Everyone is entitled to their beliefs, but I still think her comments were disrespectful towards families who co-sleep, and she doesn’t really understand “the whole co-sleeping movement,” because if she did, she would realize that it isn’t “creepy” to have your children next to you while you sleep. How many parents across the globe, snuggle and have their children in bed with them at some point during their childhoods? 

I find it interesting too that Jane uses an argument that a lot of people use when they don’t understand co-sleeping in that they think it disrupts the “martial bed.”  

It has been mentioned already that Jane doesn’t have children, and if she did she would know that there are a lot of other things that disrupt the “martial bed,” when you have children- sick kids, kids who don’t sleep well, kids that get scared at night, getting up to nurse / feed the baby, etc.  I don’t think two adults that decide to co-sleep with their kids will have any problems finding other times and or places to share and be intimate with each other. 

I also read something from Angelina Jolie which said, she and her first son, Maddox, co-slept, before she was even with Brad (or with a partner).  So I wonder how Jane would respond to that- how can the marital bed be disrupted by co-sleeping if you don’t have a marital bed?

I was bummed when I read her comments, because she probably is right, that most people would agree with her, even though the majority of other cultures in the world DO co-sleep.  However, I was glad that I expressed my thoughts to her, and hope maybe someone else would also contact her and the station, to let them know their thoughts on the subject. 

Sometimes it feels like standing up for something when it is in the minority, is an uphill battle, but unless you get your thoughts, opinions, and facts out there, how can we ever expect any change?

A reader who commented on Crunchy Domestic Goddess’ post said something like years ago she never, never, would have told anyone that they co-slept, and she thought it was neat celebrities now were freely talking about it.  I hate to say that in our culture, it seems like if you do something that isn’t in the “mainstream,” then you are “weird,” and “creepy,” but if a celebrity mentions that they also do it, whether it is co-sleeping, home / natural birth, breastfeeding, or a diet, then all of a sudden it doesn’t seem so “out there” anymore. 

I think it is great for everyone who follows their instincts and what their heart tells them to do, regarding their children- co-sleeping or not, and I am also happy to see celebrities starting to speak up about these issues too, for the above mentioned reasons.  When we all do what is natural and what our instincts tell us, we usually are doing the right thing.  For anyone else to call that “creepy,” is just plain wrong.