It occurred to me yesterday that today is the day my mom has been gone for a month. Some days it seems like this still isn’t real. And then there are days where it is all too real.
Last week my sister’s husband, Kevin, and our friend, who was friends with my mom too, went to Minnesota to pack up her house for us. Kevin said he didn’t want us to have to go through her things-it would be way too difficult. So they flew out there, packed everything up, and drove back to Colorado. We are so grateful to them for doing that for us. Her things arrived at my house last week. My brother Jeff, and my dad came up to help unpack the truck, but it was so difficult.
I can’t tell myself she really busy at work, and that’s why she hasn’t called, when I saw all her things she owned in life- some of it she still had from when I was a little girl, in the back of a U-Haul.
There was one picture she had holding my brother when he was a baby- she was 21, young, free, and beautiful, as a new mother. I found it years ago in really bad shape and had it restored professionally for her as a Mother’s Day gift. I wanted to find that picture last night. I opened all the boxes that were labeled pictures, and found so many pictures she had of us. Pictures from when we were babies up to just a few months ago. I wanted to find that picture, because I feel like part of her gets a bit more distant everyday, and there is nothing I can do to stop that. Seeing that picture would have helped.
I didn’t find it last night, but I know it is there among her things somewhere. In some box, wrapped in tissue paper. Her life. Our life. Our memories of her are in boxes now. That is all we have left of her. It isn’t nearly enough, but it is all we have. When I saw the box with all our old family and childhood picture books, I felt a sense of relief. The years she spent creating those for us, we have them now. We will always have a piece of her and our history with those pictures.
I drive by the cemetery on my way to work. I had planned to stop today, but it snowed a foot of snow last night, and I would not have been able to find her grave. I feel bad I couldn’t “do” something today and at the very least go to her grave.
I mentioned in a previous post one of her favorite songs was Somewhere Over the Rainbow, and it was sung at her service. One of my friends posted a link to a new version of the song she had heard. I think it is neat that happened. It reminded me to keep looking for my mom in small things. Another friend sent me a link a few weeks ago I had forgotten about until now. It was to another version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow. My mom would have loved this version, and the pictures.
I miss and love you, Mom.