I have some fun blog posts to write about New York, our vacation to Michigan, school, and some running updates. But those will have to wait.
A few days ago, I was looking for a picture on my computer when the computer brought up the series of pictures of the trip I took to Disneyland in February 2009. It was the trip I took with my mom, my brother, my sister, and sister-in-law, to celebrate my mom’s 60th birthday. The pictures made me incredibly sad- to know now one year after that trip, almost to the day- my mom passed away.
My sister called me yesterday upset. She had a situation in her classroom that was very difficult. She mentioned it was particually upsetting since tomorrow (which is today), is the six-month mark of our mom passing away.
I had a really hard time in May with my mom’s death. I took some time “off” from everything and it helped. I still have moments when I am really sad, and I miss her a lot, but it is slowing getting better on a day-to-day basis. For travel to Michigan, we had layovers both ways in Minneapolis, where my mom lived. The boys and I had lunch with my mom’s friends, Lisa, Annie, and Michelle, who all loved my mom, and helped our family immensely during all of this. It was so good to talk to them and see them again.
Those pictures from the other day must have reminded me on a subconscious level. And yesterday, hearing the words out-loud from my sister- it made me feel a lot. I can hardly believe my mom has been gone for six months. It seems like six years. I have missed her so much. I’ve missed filling her in on so many things. I miss talking to her. I miss her voice. I miss her quirky little habits that used to annoy me. I miss her late night calls. I miss her support and love. I miss not being able to tell her about Ryan and Cole.
I have been so busy with so many things- until I stop and just think about her, I don’t think about missing her, don’t feel like I am missing her, and I feel guilty about that. I feel guilty I drive by the cemetery she is laid to rest in almost every day, and I have only been there three times. It was her wish to be buried there, but I hate seeing it everyday. It is a beautiful cemetery for someone else’s mother. I don’t want to think about my mother being there.
But I also wanted to go today. To be there. To touch the gravestone, and to honor her memory. The boys wanted to go as well- they said they wanted to talk to Nana. We brought my mom flowers and pictures of our lives from the last six months- the first six months of events she’s missed. Pictures of my brother, sisters, our children, our families, and our friends.
The pictures don’t show the sadness and the sense of loss behind the smiles, the loss that is always there- buried, and ignored. Because death is part of life. We have to move on with our lives, figuring it out as we go. Together and separately. No one processes the death of a parent exactly the same way.
A woman at the hospice told my brother life without our mom never gets easier- it just gets different. I know that is true. With the pictures I brought to my mom’s grave, our lives are different than they were six months ago. But as I was looking at them, I saw they show the basics in life that will never change, and what my mom would want for all of us. They are pictures of our lives, and of our children’s-playing, growing, traveling, changing, loving, happiness, living.
