A Mama's BlogWhile looking up school shootings to respond to a comment on my previous post, I was stunned to discover that the deadliest school massacre was in 1928, in Bath, MI. Interestingly, no guns were involved.
Check out this WordPress blog entry regarding this incident. I think the author has some interesting and relevant points. Perhaps we can learn something from this past chapter in our history.
Yesterday’s mass murder of 32 innocent people, at Virginia Tech, has left me feeling very sad, confused, and horrified. Unfortunately, these shooting sprees are becoming too common and this seems like salt on an open wound, in light of the eighth anniversary of the Columbine shootings, this week.
I saw in the paper today, that even the previous shooting that claimed the most lives (prior to Monday at VT), was in a Luby’s Cafeteria in Texas, in 1991, where 24 people died. I barely remember that- and it seemed like such a random, out of the ordinary event. Somewhere in those 16 years, deadly shootings have sadly moved from the extra-ordinary to the ordinary. I don’t think I am being overly pessimistic thinking it is not a matter of if the next one will occur, it is when, and how many more innocent people will die?
Something dawned on me today, and I realized that it seems like all the mass murder shootings (at least as many as I can recall) have all been male. From the Luby’s Cafeteria shooting, to Jonesboro, AK to Columbine, to the Native American school shooting in WI, to the Bailey, CO shooting, to the Amish school shooting in PA. Sadly, there are many more, and the underlying factor in these horrific events is the shooter and shooters have all been male.
As a mother of two young sons, that terrifies me. As I laid my sweet, innocent, 11 month-old-baby boy, down to sleep tonight, I couldn’t help but think of all these boys, young men, and men, who go from being sweet innocent babies, to mass murderers. How does one go from being one to the other, and when does it happen? Did their parents notice a change? Was it one event, like being constantly bullied, or a series of events, that finally make them “snap”? Did they not have any one or any place to turn? Why did they feel like killing innocent people were their only options?
Obviously, these are questions that cannot be answered definitively. It does seem that most of these killers felt bullied, isolated, depressed, and had personal problems. I am in no way excusing or justifying their actions, but it does seem like a partial failure of our society, that these individuals felt like there was no other option.
This led me to another thought- surely girls in our society have these feelings and problems as well- what is different in that so far (knock on wood) girls haven’t resorted to mass murder as an answer for these problems?
Do we treat girls different than boys? Is it more acceptable in our society for girls to cry, act out, talk about their feelings, show emotions, while we expect our boys (consciously and unconsciously), to “tough it out,” “be a man,” don’t share their feelings, “keep it to yourself.” If we have a girl come to us crying, because she is being bullied or picked on in school, do we lend a more sympathetic ear, and try to intervene more, then when and if a boy tells us he is being bullied, do we chalk it up to “boys will be boys,” and tell him to work it out? Do boys even get to this point, where they talk about problems they are having, or do they fear sharing these problems with their family? Have we conditioned boys from early on, to suppress their “feminine” emotions and feelings?
I am no psychologist, or sociologist, but there is a reason why we haven’t been seeing females resorting to mass murders. I suspect it is a variety of reasons- maybe boys see and play more violent video games and movies than girls in general. I really believe there is something to be said for becoming desensitised to violence. Maybe in our society, where it is not encouraged for boys to talk about their feelings, they are getting the message, that it is acceptable to hurt others if you are not happy, and in extreme cases, acting out the violence they see.
As a parent, I just wish there were more answers than questions. There are never any guarantees that your children will never be hurt, or end up with problems, despite your best efforts. I just hope that Joe and I can foster in our sons, an environment where they do feel safe, and secure expressing their feelings, and know that we will never think less of them if they need to cry, yell, or express what is inside of them. Everyone needs to do that. It makes me think of a quote by Gloria Steinem, which says,
“We’ve begun to raise our daughters more like our sons…but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters.”
For some reason, this has a bit of hope for me, in that maybe just maybe, if our sons feel it is safe to express their feelings, they will always have a safe place, and non-judgemental place to fall- perhaps just this small thing can make a difference.
My family sends our condolences to all the victims’ families and friends, affected by this awful tragedy, especially parents who have lost their child- My heart goes out to all of you.
Joe’s truck was totaled in car accident in late March, after a guy rear-ended him, while Joe was stopped at a red light.
So after weeks of research, test drives, debates, and changing our minds countless times, we finally went and bought our new car today! Drum roll…..We are the proud (hint of sarcasm here) owners of a 2006 Ford Taurus!
I wish I could say we bought something more exciting, like a mini van that I was hoping for, and Joe definitely wanted another truck, but after some extensive soul searching we decided to go the most economical-bang-for-our-buck that we could. First of all, we never wanted to spend any money on a new car. We would have been happy for Joe to keep his truck and drive it into the ground. But, we were forced into this situation, and had to make the best of it.
We were this close to getting a mini van, and then Joe would drive our Jeep Cherokee, but we would have to take on some more debt for a mini van, and after thinking it through, our first priority right now is to get a different house. Taking on more debt would lower our debt to income ratio, and would probably result in a higher mortgage rate when we buy a new house. The same situation applied in getting Joe another truck, and since he also drives so much for work, a truck just wouldn’t get that good of gas mileage. He was just about breaking even with the mile reimbursement his company pays him, so we figured if he could get a more fuel efficient car, then he would actually be making some money to save for repairs to the car, like the reimbursement is meant for. Also, unless we got the fuller size truck, there would be no way both boys could ride in the truck if needed, and the larger trucks are even be more expensive, and get less gas mileage.
So in the end, the Taurus seemed like a good fit. We will not have any debt, and it gets about 32-34 miles per gallon on the highway, (Joe’s previous truck was getting about 22 mpg), both boys can fit easily in the back, and there is room for another person in back as well. It is a program car, meaning it was returned from Hertz as a rental, or a lease from a company, who had it for an employee as a company car. It only has 25,000 miles on it, and comes with a two year warranty. So even though it isn’t very exciting, it was the best car for our situation right now. Here is a stock picture of it (it is a dark silver / light gray color, with light gray interrior):
As our family grows up, and maybe one day expands, then a mini van may be a better fit, but for now we’ll be content with the Taurus. Fortunately, we can still haul things in the Jeep, and Joe’s dad, who lives about 10 minutes from us, has two trucks, so at least Joe will still have access to a truck when needed.
I think the saddest thing in this whole process was Ryan’s reaction. He LOVED going places with Joe in the truck, whether it was just a quick trip to the hardware store, or over to the grandparent’s house. He keeps telling everyone that “Dad’s truck got hurt, (or smashed up).” He also asks “When is Dad’s green truck coming back home?” He looked pretty disappointed when we came back in the Taurus to pick him up from my dad’s house, and we told him it was Dad’s new car. He did climb in the Taurus, and looked around, but he still wanted to know where Dad’s truck was. Maybe one day, we’ll be able to get another truck as well, to keep all the boys around here happy. 🙂
Everything in the universe must be aligned right today, because in addition to Maelin finally starting to nurse, I had two other triumphs today.
The first one was after dinner, I was cleaning up, and Joe was on the computer trying to do some car research (no, we still haven’t bought a replacement car yet), and Cole kept crawling in the kitchen, tugging on my leg. I just wanted to clean up quickly, so I carried Cole into the living room, and asked Ryan to play nicely with Cole. I went back to the kitchen, and after a few minutes, I realized I hadn’t heard any crying, screaming, whining, or, “Mommy, Cole is bugging me-make him STOP!”
I popped my head around the corner, and Ryan and Cole were at their play kitchen, with Ryan showing Cole how the oven door opened, the sink worked, and giving him play pots and pans to hold. Cole was delighted his brother was playing with him! I about fainted. I called Joe over, and we both stood there in awe for a few moments watching our two little boys, actually being brothers, and enjoying each other.
I would have gladly settled for just that one, but I guess the “God of Small Miracles” was smiling on me today! After having 10 1/2 months of sleep issues with Cole, I was nursing him to sleep tonight, like I always do, and after about five minutes, he started squirming and trying to roll over like he does when he is in his crib. Normally, when I place him in his crib, he squirms, and usually fusses for a while, and I have to pat him on the back, and hold his hand until he finally falls asleep. So with him squirming in my arms, I wondered what would happen if I put him in his crib? I had to find out!
I set him down in the crib, still awake, he rolled over, and WENT TO SLEEP! No crying, fussing, or screaming, or having me pat him to sleep. I am not so naive to think this will be the norm now, but I’ll take it when I can.
These small triumphs are like little gifts- after months and months, of doing the same thing over and over and over, and saying the same things, over and over, and over, it is like something has clicked and makes me realize my boys are responding to what I tell them and what I do for them. It is like a paycheck- a paycheck in mothering, that all your efforts are starting to pay off. I see a glimpse of the future in these moments, and it helps me to gear up for another day, which no doubt will have plenty of crying, screaming, whining, and, “Mommy, Cole is bugging me-make him STOP,” but until then, I’ll savor these small miracles.
My sister and her brand new baby, Maelin, (my very first niece) have had somewhat of a slow start breastfeeding. My sister has been amazing, trying to get Maelin started, but she would only latch on for a minute, suck a few times, and then throw herself off the breast. She has done this since day one. So my sister has been pumping and feeding her with a syringe, so she won’t get used to a bottle nipple, and then not take the breast at all.
I e-mailed one of my friends in my parenting group, who happens to be a Board Certified Lactation Consultant who had some good advice, but Maelin still wouldn’t take the breast for more than a few minutes, if even that. Yesterday, my sister was really frustrated and exhausted, so after reading about some things we could try on the La Leche League’s website, the boys and I went up to see if we could help.
My sister was very engorged and after pumping some colostrum out, and having my sister and Maelin, use skin to skin contact, ( this is when the mother’s chest is bare, and the baby is only in her diaper) the second time they tried nursing, Maelin nursed for 15 minutes! My sister said that was the longest she had nursed since she had been born. Maelin had a beautiful latch, and it was wonderful to hear her little sucking and swallowing noises. She reminded me of a tiny, baby bird. My sister was elated Maelin was finally nursing, and it was so special to see that breastfeeding bonding moment, and a happy mama and baby. I left on a positive note, and encouraged my sister to keep doing what was working.
Unfortunately, my sister called later that night and said Maelin had refused to nurse again, for two of her feedings. My sister was crying again, and upset. I felt really helpless- I wished we didn’t live so far apart, and I could have just popped over there, for support, if nothing else. I encouraged her to just keep pumping to relieve the engorgement, and keep supplementing Maelin, so she wouldn’t become dehydrated and not have the strength to suck.
This morning my sister said, it had been a rough night, and Maelin refused a few more sessions, but she finally nursed well again early in the morning, and for a few more times later in the morning, and had not refused so far. My sister had a visit from the nurse that her insurance sent, and they weighed Maelin, and she was actually gaining 2 oz., after she ate, and she hadn’t lost anymore weight, so I am just thrilled for my sister, that it seems like it is finally “clicking” for Maelin. I advised her yesterday, and so did the nurse, to cancel the visitors that they have been having, and don’t answer the phone, until breastfeeding is established. So my sister did that today, and I haven’t heard from her again, so I am assuming this is good news, and her and Maelin are practicing nursing, bonding, and getting the hang of it.
It made me feel good, that I was able to help out in even just a small way. Breast-milk is the best you can give your baby, and the benefits that both mother and baby receive during breastfeeding are invaluable. My sister and her husband have been trying so hard, and feeding her breast-milk from the syringe, which seems to be a time consuming process. I am so proud of my sister (and her hubby for supporting her) for hanging in there, and trying suggestions, and doing what she can to ensure she can get Maelin breastfeeding. I can only imagine how frustrating, stressful, and upset she has felt. Even if they have a few feedings, where Maelin has a setback, I am so happy they seem to be on the upswing. I am keeping my fingers crossed, and sending them “good nursing” vibes.