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Letter to My Heart

I am participating in BlogHer’s Valentine’s Day 2009  event, Letter To My Heart.  My letter below also appears on BlogHer, and you can read all the letters here. 

From BlogHer Describing Letter to My Heart: With “Letter to My Heart,” BlogHer is inviting women to share stories about love, loss, relationships, romance and, yes, even Valentine’s Day. Love isn’t easy, and it takes so many forms.  

Dear Heart,

I have never written a letter to you before, so it is long overdue. 

Where do I start?  What could I possibly write to you about love that you don’t already know?  You may know everything about love, but I don’t. 

My first memories of love were from my parents and my siblings.  I didn’t realize it was love- it just felt nice, and warm, and it felt like everything was right in the world.  No one else but my mom would do, when I was sick.  No one else but my dad would do when I wanted a story read, and no one else but my brother and sisters would do as my closest friends (and sometimes tormentors).

As a family, we knew what buttons to push with each other but we also knew deep down, underneath it all, we loved each other fiercely.  Even though there were disagreements and arguments, I knew there was nothing that would ever come between us permanently.  Family is where love started for me. 

As I grew older and grew up- I also learned I could love my friends too.  Again, everything felt right in the world with true friends.  As I continued growing and romantic love came into play, well, that is where it started getting tricky.   I know you remember, Heart.  Who doesn’t remember their loves?  From their first love to the one they believe with all of their heart, will be their last love?  I am no different and I remember them.  But, I also remember all the complications too. 

Why are there always complications?  Why is love so difficult?  Why isn’t it enough to just love someone, and have them love you back?  What do you do when you realize the love you thought you would have forever is gone?  What do you do when you know you are not loved anymore?  What do you do when the lines have been crossed- between love and hate- gentle and hurt- praise and criticism- and there is no chance of ever going back to that time before the lines were crossed? What do you do when you realize you have been broken, Heart?

I know I have to answer these questions for myself.  I started to allow myself to listen to you, and acknowledge my feelings.  I became strong enough to feel what you were telling me through the silence.   When I trusted myself enough Heart, you gave me the answers.  The answers that had always been there, but I had forgotten how to find them. 

This is why I wanted to write you finally after all these years, Heart.  I think I am starting to understand.  Love certainly has not worked out the way I planned or wanted it to. But the family and friends that have been there from the beginning, have. 

Nothing, especially love, is certain or is forever, no matter how much I want it to be.  But, Heart, you know and have guided me to the place where I need to be.  For strength, for comfort, and to heal- back to the beginning. To my family and friends, where I can always find those early memories of love- nice warm, and as if everything was right in the world.  It is where love started and where it will always be. 

Love,

Heather

Categories
Activities Family & Friends Me

I’m Going to Disneyland!

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No, I didn’t win the Super Bowl, but I am going to Disneyland this coming weekend. 

My mom’s favorite place in the world is Disneyland.  She has always loved it, and she always made sure we were able to go there a few times while we were growing up.  I haven’t been so diligent as an adult going to Disneyland. The last time I was there was <ahem>…1997.  I went with my mom and my sister for the weekend.

My mom is turning 60 in April (sorry Mom to reveal your age), and it worked out that my sister, brother, and sister-in-law, and of course my mom, could go to Disneyland and celebrate this weekend.  I had been hoping I could go too, but wasn’t sure how it would work out with Joe’s schedule.  I found out a few days ago that Joe would be able to watch the boys for the weekend.  I checked out the airfare on Saturday, expecting it to be outrageously expensive, but there was a sale!  So I get to be with my mom for her 60th birthday party. 

One of my fondest childhood memories was going to Disneyland.  We always had a good time there, and we were always happy.  I am looking forward to spending time with my mom (who lives out of state, and I don’t get to see her a lot), and of course the rest of my family.

I wish Ryan and Cole could come too.  Ryan is the perfect age, but Cole is still a little too young.  I know we will have  a trip someday, where they can both come and enjoy it together.  I hope they will enjoy Disneyland as much as  I did.  But for this weekend, it is about my mom turning 60, and us being with her at the Happiest Place on Earth.

Now for your enjoyment (or amusement), I found some pictures of the last time I was in Disneyland (remember it was 12 years ago)  Enjoy.  🙂

dl5 

The three of us

dl1

In front of the castle (don’t you love the white shoes?)

dl2 

My mom and I

 dl3 

With Goofy Claus

dl4 

Trying on Donald Duck’s hat

Categories
Household Me Mothering

My Blackberry and I

I admit it.  I am not an electronics or gadget junkie.  I had no idea what the big fuss was when the iPhone was released.  I thought it was ridiculous anyone would spend that much money on a phone and wait in line overnight and camp out for one. 

In Colorado, where I live, people used to only camp out for Denver Broncos play-off tickets, or something equally as important- like Colorado Rockies World Series Tickets, or Colorado Avalanche Stanley Cup tickets.  I can understand that- after all, cheering on your favorite sports team when they have made it to the big game- it can be a once in a life time event.

I have failed to see what is so exciting about the next big ‘must have’ electronic device that motivates people to spend all night laying on the sidewalk in a sleeping bag in front of Best Buy.  Whether it is the latest phone, Mp3 player, computer, HDTV, or video game system.  It is just a thing. 

A little less than a month ago, I wrote that it was finally time for me to replace my almost two-year old cell phone, which was absolutely ancient in electronic years.  I had decided to get a Blackberry Pearl.  One of the reasons I liked the Blackberry was because it was not an iPhone. My boss has an iPhone, and I have used hers before.  I don’t like how sensitive the touch screen is.  Every time I thought I was touching what I wanted, I had touched something else instead.  I realized I need buttons I could push, and the Blackberry Pearl has buttons- yay! 

I knew there were other features that I would like, but the main reason I decided on the Blackberry was because of the buttons.  How high tech is that?  My friend, Amy, told me to watch out- I was getting a ‘CrackBerry.’  I laughed and thought that was funny, but I would never become that dependant on a phone- it is just a thing. 

Not even a month later, I am not laughing.  While I haven’t officially signed up at CrackBerry.com, I find every day I am becoming more and more dependent on my Blackberry.  I love it.  Never mind I can make phone calls.  It has a calendar in it. I no longer have to wait until I get home to write on the wall calendar an appointment- better yet, I don’t have to try to remember to write it down.  I just pull out the Blackberry and  presto- the appointment is in the calendar.  It even sends me a reminder just to make sure I really remember it.  My mommy brain doesn’t even do that. 

It has a note pad.  Now I don’t have to carry around 10 different pieces of paper with me (a.k.a. my memory), with the grocery list, the Target list, the Costco list,  the errands I need to do, or the tasks I need to complete.  I can start a new note for each one, and when I need it, I push a few buttons (love those buttons) and presto- my memory is at my fingertips.

I no longer have to be at the computer in the house to check e-mail.  I can receive and send e-mail from the phone.  I can respond to the important ones right away, like the one I received from my boss this week. I was out and about and it would have taken me hours to get back to her.  Instead I was able to respond moments after she sent the e-mail.  I was able to respond quickly to some e-mails regarding my blog too.  I can keep up with my family and friends via the cool Facebook application. 

There is a camera and a video recorder on the phone.  The other night Ryan was doing something cute, and instead of lugging out the video camcorder, I just hit the button for the video recorder and recorded him dancing.  There is a password safe, that keeps all my passwords in one place.  There’s an address book, voice dialing, speaker phone, Mapquest, the weather report, a multimedia player, and more features I haven’t even gotten around to learning yet. 

I can’t believe all the things this phone does.  Now I understand why people will camp out for an electronic thing– it makes life easier.  Instead of having a big, thick, day-timer that I have to lug around or relying on the calendar hanging on my kitchen wall, everything I need to run my life and stay on top of our schedules, fits in the palm of my hand. 

While I doubt I will ever be one of those people camping out for electronics, I do understand it now.  It is great when there is a gadget that can make our hectic lives run a bit smoother, and if you want to be one of the first people who has the latest gadget, more power to you.  I think I’ll save my camping out for the mountains, or maybe just maybe, Broncos play-off tickets in the near future.  🙂

Categories
Cole Household Mothering Parenting Ryan Shopping

To Complain, or not to Complain- That is the Question

I love Target.  I love shopping there, and could spend hours wandering down every aisle.  I usually have the boys with me though, and they are good for about half an hour, and then they are just done.  So I have shopping at Target down to a science. I know how much time I can spend lingering around, and how much time I need to actually shop.

Today after I picked up Ryan from school, we went to Target.  We had some more errands to run, so this was going to be a short trip.  Right on cue, about 20 minutes later, we were done, and the boys were getting restless.  There had to be 50 people waiting in the check-out lines and there were three lanes open. 

I used to work in  a grocery store.  I understand sometimes you just don’t have enough people to open more registers, and crowds come at odd times.  So I got into the ‘shortest’ of the longest lines, lane number 18, and waited.  And waited, and waited.  Fortunately we had the super deluxe cart, so the boys were having fun climbing on and off of it.  Fifteen minutes later,  when there was only two people ahead of me, I hear the cashier calling- “Ma’am, Ma’am,” and waving at me.

I don’t think of myself as a “ma’am,” so it took me a second to realize she was almost yelling at me.  I made eye contact with her and she informed me that she was closed.  She pointed to her light and it was off. 

I politely told her that I had gotten in her line before she turned the light off, and she informed me, rather loudly  (okay she yelled) and very rudely, “No you weren’t.”  Now I felt like she was implying that I have nothing better to do than to sneak into closed check-out lanes at Target, waste time standing there, and then lie about it- just for kicks.

I was contemplating my next move, when the mom in front of me, also with two boys, using their cart as a jungle gym, looked at the cashier and said nicely, but firmly, “Actually, she was.  I saw her get in line, and your light was most definitely on.” 

I told the mom, “Thank you, for confirming that for me,” and the cashier then said, “Oh, well- okay then, I guess you can stay in line.

She guesses I can stay in her line for the privilege of spending money at Target?   I so wanted to say something to her, but Ryan and Cole’s eyes were wide as saucers watching me.  Even though I had been ‘allowed’ to stay in the cashier’s line, there was no way I was going to- I was too mad.

So with my boys watching, I smiled again at the mom ahead of me, and nodded at her.  The cashier was still watching me, and I noticed they had opened another lane way down at the opposite end of the store (this was Super Target), so I told the cashier, “Actually, I am going to go to the line at the other end of the store- it seems to be moving faster.” 

I walked as fast as I could- I was so mad!  There was only one person in front of me, and he had one item.  When the new cashier asked me how  I was, I was honest. I told him I was upset, because I had just waited fifteen minutes in line, and then was told the line was closed, even though the light had been on.  I told him the cashier was very rude.  He apologized many times and told me he was actually her supervisor- he said customers should not be treated like that. 

I don’t complain at stores.  If I can’t find something, or they are out of stock, when they ask me if I found everything OK, I say yes.  I hope the cashier won’t get in trouble, but I felt like this was horrible customer service, and they needed to know customers were being treated like this.  I’m glad I spoke up this time.   

What about you?  Do you complain at stores when you receive bad customer service, or do you just let it go?

Categories
Me

Comes the Dawn

The other day I was looking through a storage bin of things I have had since childhood.  I think most people have bin or box like this. 

In mine there are yearbooks, pictures- lots of pictures, I never got around to putting in picture books, programs of the plays I had been in, newspaper articles I wrote for the high school paper, the piccolo I used to play.  My coin collection.   A customized Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs book my mother ordered for me when I was probably six- where my name and the things I liked were written into the story, helping Snow White. 

I sat there thinking it was odd, after all the years in school, all the people that have come in and out of my life, the things that I found important at one point or another, I had kept, and put in this bin- this bin that has been buried in the back of a closet for almost two decades. 

I got to the bottom of the bin and found a folder.  In that folder were poems I had written.  I never remembered writing poems, but I had signed my name at the bottom of the poems and dated them. They were from 1991.  The year I graduated from high school.  Eighteen years ago- they were the last things I had arranged in the bin. I was eighteen, and had just had my heart broken.

The poems I wrote, were of course about heartbreak.  But I noticed while they were sad, like any eighteen year-old girl’s poem would be, I ended them with optimism.  I knew it wasn’t the end-even though it felt like that.  I knew over the years, I had been losing that optimism that things would always be okay, one way or another.  Every day, it slipped further and further away- and I felt like there was nothing I could do to change it.  

There are moments in life when we know we have to change.  We know if we don’t, we will be lost forever.  We can’t change other people no matter how much we love them, want them to change, try to change them, or beg them to change.  In the end, we can only change ourselves.  Change is hard.  Sometimes it is the hardest thing ever to do.  There is a quote by Henry David Thoreau which says, “Things do not change, we change.” 

As I rustled through the papers, I found one last poem.  A poem that I did not write, but found very insightful among the few items I had chosen to keep from my past.  I don’t remember where I got this poem, or even copying it from a book. It was in my handwriting, but I had noted at the time, the author was unknown.  It is deeper and more profound than an eighteen year-old’s broken heart.  Perhaps this was a poem I wanted to keep for myself, from my past,  if I ever needed help facing the future.  Here is that poem:

Comes The Dawn

After awhile you learn
the subtle difference
between holding a hand
and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love
doesn’t mean leaning,
And company doesn’t mean security.

And you begin to learn
that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up
and your eyes open.
With the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build
all your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground
is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way
of falling down in mid-flight.

After awhile you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul.
Instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.

And you learn
that you really can endure…
That you really are strong.
That you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn…

With every goodbye…
you learn.

© Veronica A. Shoffstall