Yesterday’s mass murder of 32 innocent people, at Virginia Tech, has left me feeling very sad, confused, and horrified. Unfortunately, these shooting sprees are becoming too common and this seems like salt on an open wound, in light of the eighth anniversary of the Columbine shootings, this week.
I saw in the paper today, that even the previous shooting that claimed the most lives (prior to Monday at VT), was in a Luby’s Cafeteria in Texas, in 1991, where 24 people died. I barely remember that- and it seemed like such a random, out of the ordinary event. Somewhere in those 16 years, deadly shootings have sadly moved from the extra-ordinary to the ordinary. I don’t think I am being overly pessimistic thinking it is not a matter of if the next one will occur, it is when, and how many more innocent people will die?
Something dawned on me today, and I realized that it seems like all the mass murder shootings (at least as many as I can recall) have all been male. From the Luby’s Cafeteria shooting, to Jonesboro, AK to Columbine, to the Native American school shooting in WI, to the Bailey, CO shooting, to the Amish school shooting in PA. Sadly, there are many more, and the underlying factor in these horrific events is the shooter and shooters have all been male.
As a mother of two young sons, that terrifies me. As I laid my sweet, innocent, 11 month-old-baby boy, down to sleep tonight, I couldn’t help but think of all these boys, young men, and men, who go from being sweet innocent babies, to mass murderers. How does one go from being one to the other, and when does it happen? Did their parents notice a change? Was it one event, like being constantly bullied, or a series of events, that finally make them “snap”? Did they not have any one or any place to turn? Why did they feel like killing innocent people were their only options?
Obviously, these are questions that cannot be answered definitively. It does seem that most of these killers felt bullied, isolated, depressed, and had personal problems. I am in no way excusing or justifying their actions, but it does seem like a partial failure of our society, that these individuals felt like there was no other option.
This led me to another thought- surely girls in our society have these feelings and problems as well- what is different in that so far (knock on wood) girls haven’t resorted to mass murder as an answer for these problems?
Do we treat girls different than boys? Is it more acceptable in our society for girls to cry, act out, talk about their feelings, show emotions, while we expect our boys (consciously and unconsciously), to “tough it out,” “be a man,” don’t share their feelings, “keep it to yourself.” If we have a girl come to us crying, because she is being bullied or picked on in school, do we lend a more sympathetic ear, and try to intervene more, then when and if a boy tells us he is being bullied, do we chalk it up to “boys will be boys,” and tell him to work it out? Do boys even get to this point, where they talk about problems they are having, or do they fear sharing these problems with their family? Have we conditioned boys from early on, to suppress their “feminine” emotions and feelings?
I am no psychologist, or sociologist, but there is a reason why we haven’t been seeing females resorting to mass murders. I suspect it is a variety of reasons- maybe boys see and play more violent video games and movies than girls in general. I really believe there is something to be said for becoming desensitised to violence. Maybe in our society, where it is not encouraged for boys to talk about their feelings, they are getting the message, that it is acceptable to hurt others if you are not happy, and in extreme cases, acting out the violence they see.
As a parent, I just wish there were more answers than questions. There are never any guarantees that your children will never be hurt, or end up with problems, despite your best efforts. I just hope that Joe and I can foster in our sons, an environment where they do feel safe, and secure expressing their feelings, and know that we will never think less of them if they need to cry, yell, or express what is inside of them. Everyone needs to do that. It makes me think of a quote by Gloria Steinem, which says,
“We’ve begun to raise our daughters more like our sons…but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters.”
For some reason, this has a bit of hope for me, in that maybe just maybe, if our sons feel it is safe to express their feelings, they will always have a safe place, and non-judgemental place to fall- perhaps just this small thing can make a difference.
My family sends our condolences to all the victims’ families and friends, affected by this awful tragedy, especially parents who have lost their child- My heart goes out to all of you.