Category: Cole

Back to Reality

While writing my post yesterday, about my Mother’s Day, I realized that I had actually gotten about 7 hours of sleep the night before, with Ryan spending the night at my dad’s, and Joe getting up with Cole, and then sleeping in. It wasn’t uninterrupted, mind you- but I’ll take what I can get.

It was the most I have slept since before Ryan was born, and wondered what special sleep fairy was smiling on me, in that I was able to sleep for so long yesterday.

Last night, as I was going to bed, shortly before midnight- Ryan woke up. He has been sleeping through the nights really well now, for about 2 months. He was crying, whining, and restless. Nothing was wrong with him, other than he couldn’t sleep. I tried everything, and nothing was working. I let him lay on the couch, and around 2am, he *finally* fell asleep.

Then I heard the noise that I am coming to dread- one that makes me feel like I have drank 6 cups of coffee and shoots adrenaline into my system- Cole crying.

Ever since day one with him, whenever he cries, it has that reaction on me. I have gotten to where I have such a hard time falling asleep, because I *know* just when I get in that deep, restful, REM sleep, his crying will jolt me out of it. Quite frankly, it is easier for me to stay up and wait for it, than it is to sleep and then try to groggily wake up and deal with Cole.

A while ago my friend, Amy, put a challenge on her blog for venturing out of our “blog safety zone”, and putting yourself ‘out there.’ At the time, I didn’t really have anything that I was inspired to write, but as I was trying to get Cole back to sleep last night, inspiration hit me, so to speak.

I love Cole dearly, but sometimes I am just exhausted, overwhelmed, and simply at a loss on what to do for him. Nothing ever works the same way for him two nights in a row. Some nights when he wakes up, he wants to nurse, and then go back to sleep. Then the next night, he wants his back patted, then the next night he won’t settle down unless he gets a snack, and then the next night he’ll sleep for 6 hours straight, and so on.

I have lost count how many nights at 3am I am up with him crying, because I don’t understand why he won’t sleep, and why I can’t seem to solve this problem with him. I know it has taken a toll on myself and in those very, very, dark moments, I wish sometimes that he would just go away.

Before having Cole, I could never understand why some people were led to shake a baby, but after Cole I totally understand it. When hour after hour goes by and *nothing* will get the baby quiet, I can understand how someone could “lose it,” or make a bad split second decision. I am ashamed to say that I have been on the brink of wanting to shake Cole to get him to be quiet, but never crossed that line. I tell myself it will be OK in the morning and that gets me through the night.

Last night after Cole woke up at 2 am, and after trying to nurse him, and sleep with him, he was restless, squirmy, and just not going to sleep. I finally got up with him at 5am, when Joe’s alarm went off. I fed him some breakfast, and stayed up with him until 6:30, until he seemed tired enough to fall back asleep. He finally did, and then I fell asleep until 7:30 when Ryan woke up. I realized that I got up at 10:30 yesterday, and didn’t get to sleep until 6:30 this morning- I was up for 20 hours, and got one hour of sleep.

I should be dead on my feet- I should be exhausted. But no, I hopped out of bed like I had just slept 10 hours, got the boys dressed, made breakfast, did a load of laundry, dropped Ryan off at Joe’s parent’s house, went grocery shopping, did errands, went to Target (where Cole had a complete, screaming, ear shattering melt-down), which didn’t even phase me, made Cole lunch, put the groceries away, did more laundry, dozed with Cole for an hour, and then vacuumed and cleaned up the house. After dinner, I went on an hour walk, and I am STILL not tired.

I don’t know what has happened to me, it is like I am losing my need or ability to sleep. Even if I went to sleep now, I know Cole will be waking up, but don’t know when. It could be in 10 minutes or two hours. Do I risk going to sleep, only to be jolted awake, or just stay up? It seems like I have less patience with him, when I have been sleeping and he wakes me up, than if I am already awake.

The funny thing is I don’t even really care anymore. I have just resigned myself to the fact that this is how it is going to be for awhile with Cole. On a good night, I get 4 hours of sleep, and on a bad night, one hour. I just have to laugh at the days before kids, when if I didn’t have 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, I was a zombie. I didn’t know how good I had it back then.

I know it won’t always be like this, but it is so hard to go through this night, after night, and then try to be productive during the day. I fear by the time Cole does grow out of this, my body will be so messed up from not sleeping, I am just going to have a permanent case of insomnia.

I wrote yesterday how much I loved being a mom, and I do. But it is also hard, thankless, and drop-dead tiring. Some times I hate it and wonder what is going to get me through the night? Sometimes I wonder will I get through the night? Will I ever sleep again? How can a little baby, whom I love so much, frustrate me to the extreme level that he does?

No one ever told me being a mother was easy, and I don’t expect it to. After getting a little break for one day though, and getting some rest, I wonder why I can’t catch these little breaks more often? Maybe it is the bad times that make you appreciate the good.

Cole just started crying, so I’m off. Maybe I’ll get one of those breaks, and he’ll go back to sleep fairly quickly tonight.

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TUESDAY

I wrote this last night (Monday) and didn’t have a chance to post it as Cole started to cry. No breaks last night- it was another terrible night. Cole screamed, and screamed and would not be consoled-again. That woke up Ryan and Joe. I absolutely could do nothing to calm him, so finally at 2 am Joe, Ryan, and I hung out in Ryan’s room, and let Cole cry it out. Yes, I said, cry it out. I normally don’t believe in it, and even wrote a post about about not doing it, a while ago.

Nothing we were doing for Cole was working. It almost seemed like he needed to cry, and work it out. It was so hard listening to him cry, but in the state we were in, it was the only thing left to do. As I sat on the floor, next to Ryan’s bed, I thought about how many times I cry and I do feel better after it. I also thought about what I had just written, and how close I have gotten to ‘losing’ it with Cole, and realized he was safe in his crib, and this is what we needed to do to get through the night.

Cole will be one year old in a week, and it seems like his sleep problems are getting worse, not better. I think he does understand that when we leave, we do come back, and there was a night light in our room, so in the end, I feel like one night of crying it out, isn’t going to do permanent damage to him.

Is it a tool I want to use every night? No. Did it work last night? Yes. After 30 minutes, he fell asleep and stayed asleep until 6, when he wanted to nurse. He immediately fell asleep in my arms, and when he woke up at 7:30 to get up, he gave me a big smile and he was in a really good mood today.

One mantra that I tell myself as a mother is “never say never.” That seems to be my one consistant I can count on- whenever I think or decide a certain course I want to take with my children, it doesn’t always work out that way. In the long run, the only thing that is consistant is change.

Crying it out wouldn’t have worked for Cole when he was a newborn, or even a few months ago, but in order to be a good mother for him and for me, I have to consider the possibility that at times, maybe he just needs to cry, and work out whatever it is for himself, during those times that nothing *we* do works for him.

Sometimes I want to be left alone, not be touched, and have a good cry Is it totally unreasonable to think that my baby would never want those things either? I have thought not- all these months I have concluded that he wants to be held all the time, and wants to be close to me, etc. What if all this time he just wanted and needed his own space?

The only thing that is clear to me, is that I just don’t know. I don’t know if this was just a one-night fix, or not. All I can do is keep trying the best I can, and follow Cole’s cues. I like what my sister told me a few days ago, regarding something else, when I felt like I was a ‘bad’ mom, for not having shot enough video of Cole’s first year. She said, “that doesn’t make you a bad mom, it makes you a normal mom.” For now, normal is good.

Activities Cole Family & Friends Mothering Ryan

My Special Day(s)

I had a terrific Mother’s Day Weekend. Yesterday, (Saturday), Joe got up with Ryan and Cole, and made waffles with them. I got to sleep in for about an extra half hour.

After the boys woke up from their afternoon nap, we headed down to my dad’s house, for Ryan’s big sleep over. We nearly avoided ANOTHER car accident- one block away from our house, a teen-aged boy dashed out in front of the car on his bike, obviously trying to ‘beat’ the car across in the middle of the street. Joe hit the breaks, and started again, when another kid, out of no where started to do the same thing. Joe instantly slammed the breaks on, and the kid on the bike did the same thing, stopping about 1 foot from the car.

Joe and I were both so mad, we just glared at the kid. He said, “sorry” and then muttered something like he was going to stop. I wanted to ask, “when, when you crashed into the hood of the car?” He was doing something so stupid, and was lucky he didn’t get hit. The sudden, hard, breaking scared Ryan and he started crying, and screaming. We had to calm him down, and after a few minutes we were on our way again.

We made it to my dad’s with no more excitement (thank goodness). We got the boys settled with some dinner, and then Joe and I were off to dinner. Cole started to cry, and I felt bad leaving him, but we figured he would start to eat his dinner, and stop crying after a few minutes.

We ate at a grill in a neighborhood, about 10 minutes away from my dad’s house. It was a really nice atmosphere- not too loud, or too quiet. I ordered blackened flank steak salad, with blue cheese crumbles and blue cheese dressing, and a fuzzy navel. Joe ordered mushroom beef stroganoff, and a beer.

We had a great time, just enjoying each other’s company and some uninterrupted conversation. We ordered a slice of fudge chocolate cake to go for dessert. We ended up staying about an hour and a half, and figured we had better get back; we both had a feeling that Cole would be crying.

We arrived back at my dad’s to find Ryan eating a s’more that they made in the back yard fireplace, and as expected, Cole crying. Dad said he pretty much cried the entire time. Cole saw me, sniffled, I nursed him, and after about 5 minutes, he popped off, smiling, and ready to play- the little munchkin.

My dad’s wife had pretty much been entertaining Ryan, since Dad had been trying to calm Cole, and Ryan was playing Thomas trains, and watching a Thomas video. Dad blew up an air mattress for Ryan to sleep on, and then he and Cole jumped on it for about 20 minutes, until it was time for us to go.

Ryan barely kissed me goodbye- he was so anxious for us to leave. He told me if I missed my big boy, (refering to himself) then I could hug Coley.

Cole fell asleep five minutes into the ride home, and about half way home, I got this very strong urge to hug Ryan. I realized this was the farthest he had ever been away from me, and I him, and I had to fight back tears. I knew he was safe, but it still hurt knowing I couldn’t be near him.

When we got home, I changed a very tired and half-asleep Cole into his pj’s, and he nursed for a few minutes, and then went right back to sleep in his crib. I guess all that crying, wore him out.

Then Joe and I watched TV, while he gave me a foot and calf massage (ahh…)

This morning, Joe and Cole got up around 8, when Cole woke up, and Joe left me to sleep in again. When they came back and woke me up, it was 9, and Cole wanted to nurse. The next time I woke up, it was 10, and then I dozed off again, until 10:30! I have not slept in that late since before Ryan was born. I guess after 3 1/2 years, a girl is entitled to sleep that late. 🙂

I laid a sleeping Cole down next to a sleeping Joe, and got up, made some coffee and called my Dad. He said Ryan did fine- they all went to bed about 10:30, and they all woke up at 8, and Ryan had slept like a rock. I talked to Ryan for a few minutes on the phone, and he told me Grandpa had made him waffles this morning. Ryan sounded so different and grown-up on the phone. It made me realize he really is a little boy now, getting bigger every day. My dad said he’d bring Ryan home after lunch.

A few minutes later, Joe and Cole came down stairs, and we ate a light breakfast. Cole played and hung out with Dad, and he seemed like a different baby. He was so content, and wasn’t crying for me every few minutes, like he normally does. I am not sure why- maybe he liked the one-on-one attention he was getting from us, or maybe he could actually focus on something longer than a few seconds, before Ryan usually comes over to him, to see what he is doing. It made us wonder if maybe Cole isn’t getting enough attention from us, so I am going to try to start devoting 10 or 15 minutes in the morning to some exclusive time with him.

Joe hung up my information board, and I got our schedules written down for the week. After I got Cole down for his nap, I got the rest of the flowers planted for our front yard, and then my darling boy was home.

He came and hugged me for a minute, and then wanted to go ride his scooter. He told me again, Grandpa made him waffles in the toaster. After Grandpa left, Dad and Ryan cleaned out the garage, and did some yard work, and I got to dink around on the computer, and organize some of my pictures.

When Cole woke up, we went and got some dinner at a noodle place. We took a little drive to the country, and then came home, gave the boys a bath, and put them to bed. As I was nursing Cole to sleep, Ryan came in and hugged me, and whispered, “Happy Mother’s Day, Mama.” It was so sweet, and I felt very appreciated and loved by my family.

I can’t believe that four Mother’s Day’s have passed already. Here are a few pictures from my first three:

My very first Mother’s Day- 2004 (Ryan was 4 months)

Mother’s Day-2005 (Ryan was 16 months)

Mother’s Day-2006 (Ryan was 28 months, and I was 8 1/2 months pregnant with Cole)

I hope all the mother’s out there had a wonderful day. We work so hard all year, it is nice to have our special day. 🙂

Cole Ryan

More Ryanism’s

A few funny things Ryan has said recently:

The other morning as we were all getting up, Cole decided he wanted to nurse. I started to nurse him, and Ryan started laughing and said, “Coley is having breakfast in bed!”

Since we live near a railroad track, and Ryan loves the trains, we have started to tell him that he is never to walk on the railroad tracks- that they are only for trains, not people. Yesterday at breakfast, he was singing, “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad,” and then he stopped singing half-way through the song. He asked, “Mommy, if the tracks are only for trains, then how do the men work on the railroad? Why am I singing this song?” I told him that grown men were specially trained to work on the railroad tracks, and that is when they started singing the song, but the railroad tracks are not for little boys!

Lately when he has been going to bed, Cole is already sleeping. In order not to wake him up, we have told Ryan to whisper, and or talk softly. So now he has this really funny “gremlin” voice, where it is part whispering and part goblin voice. He talks in this voice all through getting his pj’s on, brushing his teeth, and his stories.

Finally, Ryan’s grandma and grandpa take him to McDonald’s occasionally for french fries, (don’t we all love their fries?) but he calls McDonald’s, Mick-O-Donnels. He says it so cute, and today I asked him what pants he wanted to wear, and he said, (without missing a beat), “My Mick-O-Donnels pants.” I assume he meant his sweatpants, (maybe he is on the to the expandable waistband?)

He sure keeps me laughing. 🙂

Breastfeeding Cole Parenting Pregnancy & Birth

Ina May Gaskin

Tonight I got to hear “The Greatest Midwife in the World”, Ina May Gaskin, speak for two hours. She was amazing, and had wonderful things to say about birth, how she became a midwife, her birthing experiences as a mother and as a midwife, breastfeeding, and parenting.

I read one of her books, “Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth,” when I was pregnant with Cole, and it affirmed my desire to attempt a VBAC (vaginal birth after a Cesarean) with Cole. The book was so powerful for me, in helping me realize that my body knew what to do, and I didn’t need to be afraid of childbirth. I used some of what I read by her, while I was birthing Cole, and I know it helped me have a successful VBAC.

It was an honor to hear her speak, and I even got to chat with her for a few minutes afterwards, and got her autograph! I feel like a birth groupie.

My friend, Amy, wrote a very nice piece on Ina May today, on her blog, so if you want to find out more about Ina May, and some of her background, visit Amy’s blog.

If you are pregnant, do yourself a favor, and at least read, “Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth.” I guarantee you will find something in there that will help you feel more confident and in control of your birthing experience, as well as learn amazing and wonderful things about your body, and how childbirth works. She has a wonderful tone and approach and reading the book is almost like chatting with a very experienced friend, who has been through it, and can tell you anything you need to know. I enjoyed the book so much, I read it in two hours. You won’t regret reading it.

In my opinion, they should make this mandatory reading for every teen-age girl in school, so future generations of girls / women will understand how their bodies work, and this will start the process of changing the attitude that birth is a medical emergency, and also take the fear out of childbirth.

Breastfeeding Cole Family & Friends Ryan

Relatives in Town

My niece, Maelin, arrived on April 6th, and my mom and my youngest sister, who both live out of state, have been able to come out last week, and this week.

Last week my mom, came in for the weekend, to meet her new granddaughter. We met in a park and had sandwiches, and she got to catch up with her grandsons.

I also got to hold Maelin, who is still very small. She is 6 lbs., 9 oz, and it is fun to hold such a little baby. Ryan was 6 lbs., 15 oz, when he was born, and Cole was 7 lbs. 5 oz. at birth, so I never had a baby that little. Here is the proud aunt, with her sweet niece, and you can see Cole sitting on a towel in the background (he’s still afraid of the grass :-):

My sister arrived yesterday, and she is staying with Maelin and her mom (of course), but they drove up to my house, and we hung out with the kids, nursed, and when Joe came home from work, I got to go out to dinner with my sisters, without the boys. It was a nice break, and Maelin slept the entire time.

As a side note, it was really interesting nursing Cole, and then having my sister nurse Maelin at the same time. I never ever thought about my sisters and I having kids at the same time, and it was one of those things that you probably could never plan, but now that it has happened, it was neat- even though our children are different ages, and she is a new, first time mom, and I have 2 kids, nursing is still a common bond for us. By the way, Maelin and her mom, have totally gotten the hang of nursing, and Maelin is a nursing champ!

Today, the boys and I went on a long walk, with me pushing both of them in the double stroller up hill, for the half the walk. I realized I was pushing 50 lbs, between the two of them, and I was really sweating. I hoped I burned off some of the Mexican food I had last night. 🙂

Tomorrow, Cole and I are going to go meet my sisters for an afternoon of shopping. I am hoping to find a few summer capris and shorts, as I have *almost* lost all my baby weight (10 lbs to go), but sometimes that last 10 lbs., is hard to lose while you are still nursing. I actually can get in to a few of my pre-baby spring clothes, but it is cutting it pretty close. I would like a few outfits, I don’t have to “suck in it” if I want to keep the button from popping off. And of course, I’ll be on the lookout for some summer clothes for Ryan and Cole.

Then my dad is coming over to my sister’s house to make his delicious chili rellenos. My youngest sister loves chili, but where she lives, they don’t really have hot green chili. So I plan to pig out on Mexican again.

On Sunday, the weather is supposed to be beautiful, so we are planning another picnic in the park, for the afternoon, before my sister has to catch her flight home. It is great spending time with everyone and I only wish we could do it more often.