Letter to My Heart

I am participating in BlogHer’s Valentine’s Day 2009  event, Letter To My Heart.  My letter below also appears on BlogHer, and you can read all the letters here. 

From BlogHer Describing Letter to My Heart: With “Letter to My Heart,” BlogHer is inviting women to share stories about love, loss, relationships, romance and, yes, even Valentine’s Day. Love isn’t easy, and it takes so many forms.  

Dear Heart,

I have never written a letter to you before, so it is long overdue. 

Where do I start?  What could I possibly write to you about love that you don’t already know?  You may know everything about love, but I don’t. 

My first memories of love were from my parents and my siblings.  I didn’t realize it was love- it just felt nice, and warm, and it felt like everything was right in the world.  No one else but my mom would do, when I was sick.  No one else but my dad would do when I wanted a story read, and no one else but my brother and sisters would do as my closest friends (and sometimes tormentors).

As a family, we knew what buttons to push with each other but we also knew deep down, underneath it all, we loved each other fiercely.  Even though there were disagreements and arguments, I knew there was nothing that would ever come between us permanently.  Family is where love started for me. 

As I grew older and grew up- I also learned I could love my friends too.  Again, everything felt right in the world with true friends.  As I continued growing and romantic love came into play, well, that is where it started getting tricky.   I know you remember, Heart.  Who doesn’t remember their loves?  From their first love to the one they believe with all of their heart, will be their last love?  I am no different and I remember them.  But, I also remember all the complications too. 

Why are there always complications?  Why is love so difficult?  Why isn’t it enough to just love someone, and have them love you back?  What do you do when you realize the love you thought you would have forever is gone?  What do you do when you know you are not loved anymore?  What do you do when the lines have been crossed- between love and hate- gentle and hurt- praise and criticism- and there is no chance of ever going back to that time before the lines were crossed? What do you do when you realize you have been broken, Heart?

I know I have to answer these questions for myself.  I started to allow myself to listen to you, and acknowledge my feelings.  I became strong enough to feel what you were telling me through the silence.   When I trusted myself enough Heart, you gave me the answers.  The answers that had always been there, but I had forgotten how to find them. 

This is why I wanted to write you finally after all these years, Heart.  I think I am starting to understand.  Love certainly has not worked out the way I planned or wanted it to. But the family and friends that have been there from the beginning, have. 

Nothing, especially love, is certain or is forever, no matter how much I want it to be.  But, Heart, you know and have guided me to the place where I need to be.  For strength, for comfort, and to heal- back to the beginning. To my family and friends, where I can always find those early memories of love- nice warm, and as if everything was right in the world.  It is where love started and where it will always be. 

Love,

Heather