Running and My Promise

Since I’ve started running, I notice time a lot more now.  Minutes, seconds, tenth of seconds. 

It’s been two weeks.  Two weeks, one day, sixteen hours, and twenty minutes to be exact since my mom died.  At times it feels like I just talked to her yesterday, and at other times it seems like it was years ago.  At times things seem hazy- they are familiar but not quite the same anymore.  There are times everything feels “normal” and then something reminds me of her- a song, a book, and the haze settles back in. 

Staying busy helps.  Being with my children, family, and friends help. Being at work helps.  But the loss is always there, and always will be.  Accepting this, I think, is the first step in moving on. 

Last fall I was suffering from shin splints that weren’t healing, and I was thinking about quitting running.  After a lot of thought, and some great advice, I decided to keep running.  I told my mom I had been contemplating stopping, but I wasn’t going to.  She didn’t even hesitate- she told me “don’t stop running.  You love it.”  Point blank-no discussion.  She knew me well.  She called me every week after that to see how running was going.  She called me after every race to see how I had done. 

On the last day before she fell unconscious, she asked me if I was going to keep running.  I told her “yes,” and she smiled.  I got in her bed with her and rested my head on her shoulder. 

She asked me what the next race was, and I told her I was planning on a 7K race (4.3 miles) on March 14th.  She said “good.”  Then she asked what the next one was.  And the next one, and the next one. She asked me what my goals for running are.  She knew I like to plan things.  🙂  She stroked my arm for a few seconds and told me, “Don’t quit.  Don’t you dare quit.  You are so strong, you don’t even know.  Running shows you how strong you really are.  Keep going Heather.”  I promised her I would.  She closed her eyes then to get some rest.   

In the moment, I took that to mean she only meant running.  But since I have thought about it, she meant it in the context of my life too. 

I haven’t felt much like running in two weeks, one day, sixteen hours, and twenty minutes.  But I have. Last week I ran fifteen miles- the most I have ever ran in a week.  It has helped- my mom was right.  When I have been running the haze is gone, and my new sense of normal doesn’t hurt as much.  It is peaceful. 

So on Sunday, I will be running in my first 7K race. It is the Running of the Green race through downtown Denver, and it is a huge fun, party atmosphere run to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day.  It will be fun race to run in.  But I’m not running the race to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, or to party. 

I’m running in it because I promised.